To be in a huff with DH?

[lechatnoir]

I'm a childminder so work from home usually 8-6pm and DH is also self-employed doesn't have set hours and pops in & out most days. I'm beginning to get really pissed off as he always needs to be nagged to get up in the morning and often disappears around tea/bedtime (sometimes work sometimes to the pub but in truth I don't always know which) and it feels like he's very conveniently busy when I or the children need him. This morning for example I had 2 babies to feed, 2 packed lunches to make & 4 children (2 DC 2 mindees) to give breakfast before doing the school run & DH is in bed on his laptop despite me asking for help at least twice. I get that he isn't involved with minded children but is it too much to ask that he helps with dressing, teeth cleaning etc his own kids? And yesterday he's home doing paperwork all afternoon but at 4pm went out & despite asking that he's home for 6 to help with DC he rocks in at 8pm then goes into DC who I've just put to bed & plays fun dad for half an hour before going to the pub. Tell me I'm not unreasonable to suggest he's opting out of day-to-day family life & needs to organise his day better and pitch in when the kids are here . He always used to be so hands-on & share everything but since I've stopped going out to work and started CMing he seems to think I'm sat twiddling my fingers all day and therefore his share of parenting/chores is redundant.

[StuntGirl]

Have you spoken to him about it?

[lechatnoir]

I had a conversation with him about it a few weeks back & he was really apologetic, promised to curb his pub going (apart from anything else can't afford it) but he's back doing the same this week and I feel like I'm constantly nagging him or having to keep tabs on him which I hate.

[Jux]

Try another talk, but this time set out some ground rules. Make up a rota -both together - and make it clear what times you expect his help with his own children. You can't expect him to help with the others, so you're just going to have to deal with them on your own.

He is being an arse, but one more try if you're comfortable with that. Also tell him what you would do if he 'forgets' again. Sorry, no one forgets they have children and childcare duties, unless they are completely beyond the pale (in which you're better off without him, but I haven't seen anything to suggest that yet, unless he's an alcoholic of course?)

[lechatnoir]

Not an alcoholic just an arse ATM Might give the rota idea a try so at least I know when I can rely on him to (hopefully) be there. Another chat is definitely in the cards just wanted to check I wasn't being some nagging wife to expect a bit more consistency & consideration.

[StuntGirl]

I find it really sad when women who call their partner out when they shirk always feel like they're 'nagging'. I thought you were just silently seething over it, but if you've already raised it then he's just acting like a tool.

Drawing up some responsibilities might help then; he does school drop off/picks on on x/y/z day, you do them the rest, you get everyone's breakfast while he gets the kids dressed, etc.

Would it be possible with his work for him to finish or take a break at say, 7pm every evening to help out with bedtime routines?

[lechatnoir]

Not so happy little update.....
...Well there was me feeling all happy & smug after DH seemed genuinely mortified that I was feeling deserted, had a lovely weekend together as a family, he got up when the alarm went off this morning, pitched in with the kids like he used to...and then sometime between 5&6:30pm (i was doing kids activities) went out then texted at 7:30pm to 'ask' if he could go to the pub, I ignored it & when he called about 15 minutes later (really helpful at 7:45 just as I'm tucking DC into bed ) so I just said in a very neutral way if that's what he wants to do I'm not going to stop him, so he did & he's still out now . WTAF???!! Did I imagine his big heartfelt apology on Saturday? Did my 'can you please be around Monday & Friday before school & bedtimes' not make sense?

Where the fuck do I go from here? I've never felt so lonely

[Bobyan]

If your not happy about it, why on earth did you give him a "neutral" response?!?

[StuntGirl]

Yes I think you needed to say "I need you home to help with the children like we discussed". Subtle hints are obviously no good with him, you need to be brutally honest.

I'm sorry he has let you down again though. Do you have any family/friends you could confide in?

[MammaTJ]

He is always going to take a neutral response as permission.

[Jux]

You're going to have to be tougher than that!

Did you discuss what consequences there mit be if he went back on e agreement again?

Perhaps Relate would help him to understand how important this is?