RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

(156 Posts)
NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 12:43:27

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap sad and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked sad.

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 18:24:16

I suspect the GS girls die a million deaths inside, every morning...but, hey, the exam results are amazing

ROAR!!!

As long as they can prance around out of school looking like Madonna circa 1985 that's fine wink

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 18:22:22

Oh, and thebody 's last post is UTTERLY spot on.

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 18:21:38

I am coming from the same perspective as Posh really, Noo. Only difference is that I tried to put myself in your shoes a bit. I don't have a daughter - although I have experienced the shock of seeing friends' daughters (and sons for that matter) suddenly looking like teens. I can only imagine what that's like when it's your own!

Plus I think the memory of being told I looked like a slut still jars, more than 25 years on. Of course I'm fine now <twitch> wink

I do get terribly riled though when people talk about girls looking like tarts. If people tell their daughters they're dressing like tarts (which I know you've not done, but I'm on a roll) then we have no hope of stopping vile notions about girls "asking for it" for wearing short skirts.

I've told ds to pull his blinking hood down when going into a shop because he looks like a mugger. Especially when he wears his bandanna-y/balaclava-y thing. Which ruffles my right-on feathers no end - perhaps I'm being thoroughly hypocritical? confused

LaQueen Fri 25-Jan-13 17:57:54

Thebody actually it's the girls at our local girls GS who look like Maria...but, it does make me smile when I see them at the bus-stop, looking so hideously frumpy and matronly (the uniform really does them no favours) - and next to them are the girls at our local comp, looking glammed up to the eyebrows wearing micro-skirts...

I suspect the GS girls die a million deaths inside, every morning...but, hey, the exam results are amazing grin

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 17:53:47

thank you the body

thebody Fri 25-Jan-13 17:51:22

Op we all do this at some point. We all say things we regret because we are human and parenting is bloody hard work.

Glad you and dd have chatted and she will probably remember and laugh with you over this episode sooner than you think.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 17:40:49

Poshcat, why the need to be so spiteful?

i have been feeling awful all day for my bad handling of the situation. and i have admitted that i made a mistake. my dd is now home and we have made amends.

i have received some good advice on here and some people have given me real food for thought (eg jeanai- has given real constructive criticism, but in a civil way.) however, i have been upset by some of the spiteful comments on this thread, tbh, which have felt like a complete character assassination and critique of my parenting based on one unfortunate incident, by people who don't even know me.

i wonder what some people are so inclined to twist the knife. i have been on mumsnet 10 years and never felt the need to do so.

thebody Fri 25-Jan-13 17:37:42

Yes Laqueen If there's a uniform then it should be rigidly adhered to as that makes it much easier for parents to deal with this problem.

Loving your girls looking like Maria in sound of music.

LaQueen Fri 25-Jan-13 17:26:25

My Mum very cleverly always used to praise my outfits - therefore leaving me no need to rebel or push the boundaries hmm

But, my tastes never ran towards me wearing anything revealing/or chavtastic. Instead, I seem to remember always trying to acheive bizarre looks with rolled-down socks tucked into lace-ups pumps, custom-ripped Levis and wearing one of my Dad's old suit-jackets with a huge lacey hankie frothing out of the breast-pocket.

Hideously unflattering - but very little flesh on show.

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 17:02:48

Oh she was brilliant, cheese (other than for sticking with the dickhead boyfriend for so long grin )

Hobbitation Fri 25-Jan-13 17:01:35

I (OP) was about to leave the house to go meet some friends, I'd tried hard and made an effort to do my hair and put together some nice accessories. I came down the stairs and my daughter shouted saying I looked a fright and did I want to look like mutton dressed as lamb etc etc."

I'm sure I've seen threads like that actually. It's a knee jerk reaction, as I said, not ideal but surely we all speak before we think at times.

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 16:59:34

Oh God I'm doing that wading-in-and-flaming thing when the OP as admitted to being a bit U, haven't I? Sorry blush

This is one of those issues I feel very strongly about.

CheeseStrawWars Fri 25-Jan-13 16:58:55

OP, imagine this scenario:

"I (OP) was about to leave the house to go meet some friends, I'd tried hard and made an effort to do my hair and put together some nice accessories. I came down the stairs and my daughter shouted saying I looked a fright and did I want to look like mutton dressed as lamb etc etc."

Would you think she was being reasonable? How would that make you feel? Confidence riding high? Self-esteem intact?

Hobbitation Fri 25-Jan-13 16:57:08

It must be a shock when your little girl comes downstairs suddenly looking all grown up and not looking how you would want her to. But I think fashion faux pas are all about growing up.

I can still remember my mum going mad at me for how I was dressed, but probably because it happened so infrequently, I can remember two occasions. When I was 9 and my friend had done my makeup and hair to look like Madonna. And when I was 13 and, I don't remember what I was wearing but it was very short and probably made me look much older, and I always looked more grown up being quite tall and well developed anyway.

So while the language the OP used wasn't great, I can understand it as my mum came out with something similar on those occasions. It comes out of worrying and caring.

CheeseStrawWars Fri 25-Jan-13 16:54:03

Jenai, your mum sounds great.

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 16:48:27

Bollocks. I am trying very, very hard not to give the OP the benefit of the doubt

JenaiMorris Fri 25-Jan-13 16:46:35

I am trying very, very hard not to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, but the language is fucking awful - "rough", "chavvy", "tarty".

I would hit the roof if I heard my son come out with any of those expressions when describing how someone looked.

A gazillion years ago I was regularly, in as many words, called a slag by my mother's dickhead of a partner because of the way I dressed.

What you're saying OP is clearly not in quite the same league, just tread carefully that's all.

If she's dressing too old for her age (Disclaimer: I loathed the Let Girls be Girls thing because I found it hideously sexist and unpleasantly pearl-clutchy) all you need to do is explain that sometimes people can assume that you are older than you are, and you can end up in situations that you are too young too handle*. Dress up and experiment at home, but don't go out dressed like that.

That's what my mum told me. It made sense then (well at least until I was about 13, when I started dressing like a "slag" hmm ) and it makes sense now.

* Before I get flamed (understandably) when I say "situations you are too young too handle" I am not victim blaming or saying girls in short skirts are asking for it or any of that bollocks, I mean you are prone to being chatted up by possibly quite perfectly nice chaps who'll assume you're 15 rather than 11, which can be confusing and is something 11yos aren't generally ready for.

CheeseStrawWars Fri 25-Jan-13 16:43:59

You ask if you are "right to try influence... out of concern for how they are presenting themselves to the world" - you mean that the world might judge her? Are you trying to save her from such judgement? By doling it out first? People judge people based on looks, sure, first impressions count - but people who judge people they know and love based on their looks are just, well...

Did you bring her up telling her it's "what's on the inside that matters?" Because by acting in the way you did, you just told her that's total shit. Also that you're a hypocrite.

You don't seem to have the necessary tact to be able to "influence" rather than isolate her. Fwiw, she won't always be 11, and she'll rebel if you constantly disrespect and judge her in this way. I think you owe her an apology.

LaQueen Fri 25-Jan-13 16:40:49

theybody yes, I know what you mean.

Fortunately, at their junior school the vast majority of the girls still look like little girls, and look/dress very similar to my DDs.

There are a few exceptions who come to the school disco wearing something very teenager-ish and sporting make-up, but they are looked at with confused curiosity rather than envy by most of the girls. I think they're considered somewhat exotic/silly rather than something to aspire to?

At their GS the uniform policy is very strict, and there's little evidence of make-up. Perhaps because it's an all girls school?

thebody Fri 25-Jan-13 16:33:48

Thing is LaQueen if my dds turned up at their school looking like you describe their lives would be a permanent misery.

Probably be bullied tbh and it's a very successful mixed comp in a very mixed area.

Kids have to fit in to their environment ,as yours are clearly doing,or else
A hard life for them.

PoshCat Fri 25-Jan-13 16:26:08

Nothing to discuss. You're an uptight snob you totally over acted to your little girl taking her first faltering steps to experimenting with her body image.
I imagine she's got the message loud and clear now and won't be trying to look like any of those skanky, common little tarts from the local council estate again.

Job well done Mrs Bucket.

LaQueen Fri 25-Jan-13 16:24:56

Humans are very visual creatures and judge by appearances all the time.

My DDs are nearly 10 & 9, and I would take a very dim view of them trotting downstairs looking chavtastic.

At present I'm very relieved that DD1's satorial tastes have always run towards Tom-Boy garb. Skinny jeans, Converse and an endless succession of long-sleeved t-shirts, preferably in shades of blue.

At weekends they can kinda faff with their hair to some degree, but even then I have limits. Make up is just not a factor, at present.

For school I expect them to look very dowdy and frumpy, with knee-length pinafores, scrubbed faces and neat hair.

Their girls GS has uber strict uniform policies, for which I am very grateful. I see them queing for the bus, and they all look extremely matronly, think Maria when she gets off the bus outside the Von Trapps house...heh heh, heh grin

thebody Fri 25-Jan-13 16:15:19

I let my dds do their own hair by this age. Weird and wonderful were the styles and that's great by me.

My dd hit puberty at 11 and its all about helping her change from a child to young woman and she will be trying to take some control.

Hair isn't really important. A high pony won't make her a 'chav'.

It is tough op and totally get you but hair isn't worth the battle.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 16:14:19

hully, mrsjay, thanks for your empathy.

you are so right, it was absolutely vicky pollard.

am going off now, as dc are home, but do feel free to discuss further.

StuntGirl Fri 25-Jan-13 16:14:04

grin

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