To not want df to go out every night?

(62 Posts)
PrettyKitty1986 Mon 21-Jan-13 22:32:34

I don't mean on the lash. Df has decided he wants to get fit and has started this new 'insanity' fitness plan. Basically, it's an 8 week programme where you work out for an hour, 6 days a week, following a high intensity DVD. He's doing it with a work mate, and going to his house every evening after work (to do it in his mates garage...he couldn't do the work out at home as there's a lot of jumping aound and we don't have the ceiling height).
Anyway, he's been finishing work at 6, coming home for a quick change and to say goodnight to the kids, then leaving, and getting back anywhere between 9 and 10pm. It's only been a week and I'm pissed off with him rushing off every evening and spending no time together.
The final straw was tonight...he got home at 10 and I must have had a bit of a face on because he asked me what was wrong so I (quite diplomatically) told him how I feel. His response was 'I'm doing it to get fit! Loads of blokes are in the pub every night, you should feel lucky I'm not doing that'. Cue lots of sarcastic responses from me about oh, yes, lucky me' etc (he instantly knew he'd said the worst thing possible because he's currently in the kitchen making the lunches for tomorrow as meek as anything).
Anyway, to wrap up...AIBU? It sounds melodramatic but I can see our relationship suffering with him being out every night for the next seven weeks. He can't see it though. But now, if he stops because of me, I'm the unreasonable misses who keeps him chained to the house plus he'll probably resent me for it...so I have a feeling I can't really win hmm.
Thoughts?

susanann Tue 22-Jan-13 10:59:17

I do think hes being unreasonable given the circumstances. Also once hes done the 8 weeks what will he be doing to maintain his fitness?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 08:01:48

YY cory. And the fact his response was "well at least I'm not down the pub like loads of blokes" is a worry.

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 07:57:36

My response would depend entirely on how understanding the df was if I wanted to spend 6 nights out of 7 away from the dc on my hobby. If it's about mutual accomodation, that would be fine. If it's about "well, I can do this because lots of blokes do"- then that's a different story.

But no plans which seriously impact on the other partner's freedom will be laid in this house without previous discussion.

And if the df doesn't realise this impacts on the OPs freedom, then that suggests that he sees her as a useful household implement that will be around in any case.

AmandaCooper Tue 22-Jan-13 07:54:46

Dear fiancé

IsabelleRinging Tue 22-Jan-13 07:50:15

What's a Df?

karatekimmi Tue 22-Jan-13 07:38:31

I'd be seriously pissed off if my DH removed himself from family life like this. I would be on strike apart from the bare minimum and walking out at the weekend, maybe a health spa day, Or a long hike to improve your fitness? I imagine if you do the same to him afterwards 8 weeks of 6 night off I bet he sees it differently.
If he wants to get fit, why can't he sprea it Over 4 months and do 3 workouts a week? It would be far easier for the family life.

AmandaCooper Tue 22-Jan-13 07:38:28

YANBU. And it is nothing like having a DP in the forces or otherwise working away. There are loads of perfectly good ways to get fit that don't involve you unilaterally releasing yourself from all your family responsibilities for 6 nights out of 7 for 8 weeks. I can't believe people think he is being reasonable!

ithaka Tue 22-Jan-13 07:32:12

He can do the DVD at home some nights - that is bullshit about the ceiling heights. My friend is doing it at home and she lives in a weeny wee low ceiling cottage.

It is compromising that makes marriages last and you both need to do that - how about your partner does the DVD at home half the time and with his mate half the time? That sounds totally reasonable to me. You are not stopping him pursuing his new hobby and he is not stopping you getting a night out.

Good luck.

littlewhitebag Tue 22-Jan-13 07:28:33

I would be well pissed off if my DH did this - and my kids are pretty much grown up. No company in the evening for 8 weeks! He is being very selfish and i would be complaining my arse off.

given the chance redex would you get up earlier in the morning to work out or do it in the evening so you could get out of all home stuff and hang out at your mates house?

redexpat Tue 22-Jan-13 07:25:21

Couldn't he get up early in the morning and do it? Are there shower facilities at his place of work?

tbf though snatch i'd do an intensive course in watching paint dry if it meant house elves came and took over all of my responsibilities outside of work for a couple of months.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:23:45

Sounds good. I'll tell DH and the fantasy creatures tonight.

i don't fancy mandarin snatch but could go for something like an intensive relaxation course 6 nights a week for two months if you fancy it?

mrsstewpot Tue 22-Jan-13 07:20:12

Exactly what swallowed said. I would love to bugger off for 6 out of 7 evenings each week and not have to deal with tea, bath and bed time not to mention tidy up and prepare for the next day.

MrsMushroom are you seriously saying OP can't have her weekly respite for 2 months?

So what if it's just a one off intensive course. I'd be seriously worried about the OP's state of mind at the end of it.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:56

Saf, fancy coming on an intensive Mandarin course with me? It's alright, the childcare pixies and the housework elves will cover us whilst we improve ourselves.

DeSelby Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:33

YANBU. I would be very cross if my DH removed himself from our home every evening like this. Great that he's getting fit, but hardly fair to leave all the childcare and chores up to you.

Could he do this in his lunchtime or before work instead?

CSIJanner Tue 22-Jan-13 07:15:43

Quit pro quo - what have you decided to do for 6 nights a week for 8 weeks when his insanity intense workout has finished? Have you told him? And how did he react? He probably won't see it from your point of view until you place him in your shoes.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:12:44

All those saying OP IBU, can you please rock up at home tonight and tell your OHs that you will be out 6 nights out of 7 for two months and report back tomorrow? Thanks.

and presumably that means he does absolutely bugger all at home 6 days a week for 2 months. so not only is the OP in sole charge of childcare for two months but will be busy doing all of his washing, ironing, cleaning etc

i'm seriously in the wrong game - i have to work, look after my child and shock, horror wash and sort his and my own clothes. what a privilege to just be able to drop into your home to have a cuddle with your kids, sleep in a clean bed and get dressed in clean clothes and disappear off again without a worry.

gosh wouldn't it be wonderful as a parent to decide i was going out 6 nights a week for 2 months solid!

much more wonderful than being told you would not be able to leave the house 6 nights a week for 2 months solid.

yanbu imo because you are not a house elf but a coparent and partner. this is treating you like the former not the latter.

Growlithe Tue 22-Jan-13 07:00:07

If you've got children you can't commit to something like this. He usually does bath and bedtime with them, so it's unfair on them to go to a quick kiss goodnight for eight weeks. There are plenty of ways to get fit around the children's routine.

MammaTJ Tue 22-Jan-13 06:58:57

There could be a middle ground here. He finishes work at 6, does he get home at 6.30 or does he work further away than that?

Assuming he gets in half an hour after finishing work, quickly changes and goes to his friends, gets there at 7 at the latest. An hour and a half to do the whole thing, 8.30, leaves to come home to you,home by 9 at the latest.

Joiningthegang Tue 22-Jan-13 06:56:03

I thonk ya bit u - its for 8 weeks - if you have something on then grt a babysitter or make that his night off.

Enjoy the peace - but as someone else said i would ask i he will do/help with bath and bed before he goes back out.

If hr thinks you are arsey or controlling and you feel bitter the next 2 months will be horrible for everyone.

Just remember "this too will pass" - it is also one in the bank for the future.

If i had a df who told me what i can and cant do and made me feel bad about it i would be reconsidering them becoming a dh

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 06:55:02

Actually, my last comment is null and void, because you've said that you usually do bed/bathtime together, but now it's been left to you 90 per cent of the time. In that context YANBU to be upset by the sudden massive decrease in output from him.

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