To not want df to go out every night?

(62 Posts)
PrettyKitty1986 Mon 21-Jan-13 22:32:34

I don't mean on the lash. Df has decided he wants to get fit and has started this new 'insanity' fitness plan. Basically, it's an 8 week programme where you work out for an hour, 6 days a week, following a high intensity DVD. He's doing it with a work mate, and going to his house every evening after work (to do it in his mates garage...he couldn't do the work out at home as there's a lot of jumping aound and we don't have the ceiling height).
Anyway, he's been finishing work at 6, coming home for a quick change and to say goodnight to the kids, then leaving, and getting back anywhere between 9 and 10pm. It's only been a week and I'm pissed off with him rushing off every evening and spending no time together.
The final straw was tonight...he got home at 10 and I must have had a bit of a face on because he asked me what was wrong so I (quite diplomatically) told him how I feel. His response was 'I'm doing it to get fit! Loads of blokes are in the pub every night, you should feel lucky I'm not doing that'. Cue lots of sarcastic responses from me about oh, yes, lucky me' etc (he instantly knew he'd said the worst thing possible because he's currently in the kitchen making the lunches for tomorrow as meek as anything).
Anyway, to wrap up...AIBU? It sounds melodramatic but I can see our relationship suffering with him being out every night for the next seven weeks. He can't see it though. But now, if he stops because of me, I'm the unreasonable misses who keeps him chained to the house plus he'll probably resent me for it...so I have a feeling I can't really win hmm.
Thoughts?

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:50:06

Alibaba you couldn't be further from the truth. I think PEOPLE should have freedom...even if they're in a monogamous relationship...it's about give and take.

My life has not stopped because I am in a relationship...my DH supports me in all my undertakings and it's mutual.

Lyrasilvertongued Mon 21-Jan-13 23:54:07

It sounds to me like the OP is in sole charge of dcs all day and then is expected to continue with sole responsibility all evening- as a relatively new mum I long for the sound of DH coming home to take over for a wee bit with dd so I can get even 5 minutes peace to myself (that he gets during coffee/lunch breaks at work). I'd be really hurt if he decided to do something like this too and I don't think that makes me controlling, I think it means we have an equal partnership where one persons desires don't automatically get priority. I also wouldn't assume he would be free every evening to allow me to do something like this (--though I'm far too lazy too!--) not least because I actually enjoy spending time with him. YANBU -although in my opinion those calling you controlling are!

MrsHoarder Mon 21-Jan-13 23:55:17

The children change things. Yanbu, he would presumably be the first to complain if you decided you didn't fancy parenting for 8weeks. If there were no children then it would be a case of evaluating your priorities and finding yourself something fun to do, but you can't bothact life you have no responsibilities

Hobbitation Mon 21-Jan-13 23:59:23

I'm guessing you don't have kids yet MrsMushroom.

BackforGood Tue 22-Jan-13 00:02:22

OP, would it be feasible for him to come in, help with, or do bath and bed time, then go out then (except on curry night?).
Like some others, I'm quite happy when dh is out for the evening or away for a week or two as it means a peaceful night with TV or PC being available for what I want, when I want, etc., and I can see the point that this is not forever, but a fairly short term thing (if he sticks with it), and a good thing for his health and wellbeing too, without costing a lot. All that said, I remember when mine were little and it was easier to have 2 of you about for bath and bedtime I know.

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 00:04:52

Well it's only short term. Let him crack on with it and then you should have a girlie weekend away or something.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:10:27

It's also the assumptions that gets to me. Telling me he's doing this for 2 months, not discussing it with me iyswim? I work 4 days a week btw, so I'm not with the Dc ( who are 2 and 4) all day every day, I do get time away (in work!) too.

MrsMushroom Tue 22-Jan-13 00:11:41

You're guessing wrong hobbit DH and I have two.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:17:55

I do appreciate the comments though...I'll try and suck it up I think, on the clear understanding that this 8 weeks is a one off. Maybe I'll decide to do the insanity workout once he's done with it and disappear up to my mums every night for a while smile

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 22-Jan-13 06:33:38

I think the point if a fitness DVD is that you can do it at hone. Can't his mate come to yours half of the time? It would save your DF on the travelling time do he could sort the kids out.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 06:43:57

YANBU please don't think you are.

Your DH has decided to go out 6 nights out of 7 for eight weeks without consulting you, leaving you with all the childcare and is begrudging about your regular commitment within that time.

Damn straight if this was a woman posting she was doing this this I'd tell her SWBU.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 06:51:03

A number of factors decide whether YABU or not. I can't decide one way or the other. But...

...does he need to shed the pounds? If so, put up with it for 8 weeks. Does he not really need it? If so, then don't.

Alternatively: does he have a history of coming up with hare-brained schemes to get out of the house regularly? If so, then he shouldn't be doing this. But if it's the first time he's tried anything like this, just let him do it. The kids have gone to bed by the time he leaves, so it's not like it's disadvantaging them in any way.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 06:55:02

Actually, my last comment is null and void, because you've said that you usually do bed/bathtime together, but now it's been left to you 90 per cent of the time. In that context YANBU to be upset by the sudden massive decrease in output from him.

Joiningthegang Tue 22-Jan-13 06:56:03

I thonk ya bit u - its for 8 weeks - if you have something on then grt a babysitter or make that his night off.

Enjoy the peace - but as someone else said i would ask i he will do/help with bath and bed before he goes back out.

If hr thinks you are arsey or controlling and you feel bitter the next 2 months will be horrible for everyone.

Just remember "this too will pass" - it is also one in the bank for the future.

If i had a df who told me what i can and cant do and made me feel bad about it i would be reconsidering them becoming a dh

MammaTJ Tue 22-Jan-13 06:58:57

There could be a middle ground here. He finishes work at 6, does he get home at 6.30 or does he work further away than that?

Assuming he gets in half an hour after finishing work, quickly changes and goes to his friends, gets there at 7 at the latest. An hour and a half to do the whole thing, 8.30, leaves to come home to you,home by 9 at the latest.

Growlithe Tue 22-Jan-13 07:00:07

If you've got children you can't commit to something like this. He usually does bath and bedtime with them, so it's unfair on them to go to a quick kiss goodnight for eight weeks. There are plenty of ways to get fit around the children's routine.

gosh wouldn't it be wonderful as a parent to decide i was going out 6 nights a week for 2 months solid!

much more wonderful than being told you would not be able to leave the house 6 nights a week for 2 months solid.

yanbu imo because you are not a house elf but a coparent and partner. this is treating you like the former not the latter.

and presumably that means he does absolutely bugger all at home 6 days a week for 2 months. so not only is the OP in sole charge of childcare for two months but will be busy doing all of his washing, ironing, cleaning etc

i'm seriously in the wrong game - i have to work, look after my child and shock, horror wash and sort his and my own clothes. what a privilege to just be able to drop into your home to have a cuddle with your kids, sleep in a clean bed and get dressed in clean clothes and disappear off again without a worry.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:12:44

All those saying OP IBU, can you please rock up at home tonight and tell your OHs that you will be out 6 nights out of 7 for two months and report back tomorrow? Thanks.

CSIJanner Tue 22-Jan-13 07:15:43

Quit pro quo - what have you decided to do for 6 nights a week for 8 weeks when his insanity intense workout has finished? Have you told him? And how did he react? He probably won't see it from your point of view until you place him in your shoes.

DeSelby Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:33

YANBU. I would be very cross if my DH removed himself from our home every evening like this. Great that he's getting fit, but hardly fair to leave all the childcare and chores up to you.

Could he do this in his lunchtime or before work instead?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:56

Saf, fancy coming on an intensive Mandarin course with me? It's alright, the childcare pixies and the housework elves will cover us whilst we improve ourselves.

mrsstewpot Tue 22-Jan-13 07:20:12

Exactly what swallowed said. I would love to bugger off for 6 out of 7 evenings each week and not have to deal with tea, bath and bed time not to mention tidy up and prepare for the next day.

MrsMushroom are you seriously saying OP can't have her weekly respite for 2 months?

So what if it's just a one off intensive course. I'd be seriously worried about the OP's state of mind at the end of it.

i don't fancy mandarin snatch but could go for something like an intensive relaxation course 6 nights a week for two months if you fancy it?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:23:45

Sounds good. I'll tell DH and the fantasy creatures tonight.

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