To have shouted at a women in the Asda toilet

(426 Posts)
pinkmagic1 Sun 20-Jan-13 20:11:36

Was in Asda this morning getting a bit of shopping for my nan and my 8 year old ds decided he needed the loo. Sometimes he uses the mans but sometimes he prefers to come with me into the ladies. I personally don't see a problem with this, he is only 8 ffs. However there was a women in there who whilst my ds was washing his hands and after looking at him like something she had scraped off the bottom of her shoe asked me how old my ds was. I told her he is 8, she then proceeded to tell me it was terrible that I should let him use the ladies and he should be able to manage perfectly well on his own! She then made a speedy exit and I shouted after her 'mind your own business you miserable cow!' I was really shook up by the whole incident but aibu?

voddiekeepsmesane Mon 21-Jan-13 22:36:41

My opinion is exactly what snowyeyed said.

My 8yo old son will go on his own to the mens if I am comfortable with the surroundings but say if we had to nip into a pub or something I would take him with me into the ladies.

I just don't understand there being a problem as I said earlier considering its all cubicled.

Primafacie Mon 21-Jan-13 22:37:33

Thanks Dizzy, had a sense of humour failure for a second grin

tittytittyhanghang Mon 21-Jan-13 22:38:51

Can't you teach your 8 year old about privacy, no one being allowed to touch, and shouting for help? - Should the worst happen, i dont think an 8 year old would stand a chance againt a fully grown adult. Actually i think your statement is quite insulting, you wouldn't say that to a female rape victim?

As for the fact that abuse is more likely to happen within the family home, all i can say is that using my personal judgement i know and therefore trust my dp, and any one else i choose to leave my dc alone with. I dont know and therefore don't 100% trust strangers. Or should i hire random strangers to look after dc when im not available on the basis that statistically there are less likely to harm them?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 21-Jan-13 22:44:44

I can see why an 8 yo could use the gents on his own, I just want to hear a good reason as to why an 8yo boy shouldn't go to the ladies with his mum

Primafacie Mon 21-Jan-13 22:47:57

Tittytitty, no it is not insulting. And please take my word that I know what I am talking about.

The idea of hiring random strangers made me smile. Apparently yes, that would be safer. I know this sounds crazy though. But I am also sure a lot of mums of abused boys never in a million years suspected their father/brother/partner to be an abuser?

Incidentally, have you noticed that the Freds on here are always about suspect BILs and FILs, and almost never about the mum's brothers and father being potential paedos?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 21-Jan-13 22:50:28

this thread is getting derailed a bit!

Was the OP being unreasonable to bring her son into the ladies - that seems to be a matter of opinion
Was OP unreasonable to shout - probably but understandable I think
was the other lady unreasonable - yes, because if you want to share an opinion you don't just bark it and trot off.

DizzyZebra Mon 21-Jan-13 22:51:15

Prima I think the fact that you thought someone might genuinely believe that peados live in toilets for this purpose says more about how hysterical some people are than it does about your sense of humour! smile

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 21-Jan-13 22:54:09

I think the best toilets are those where they are unisex but each is a separate little room with it's own sink etc.

No problems at all then with deciding who can and can't use them!

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Mon 21-Jan-13 22:58:22

Statistics are just what they are though aren't they-a number, but that number is a child, even if it saves the small percentage having a life of hell, its worth guarding them when possible.

There have been many incidents of paedophiled in toilets, the statistic is small but why take the chance just because some snob doesn't like it?

An 8 year old is more likely to be raped than to rape, so why shouldn't he have been allowed in the female toilets?

A: The woman was rude.
B: If she'd have minded her own beeswax like most people, she wouldn't have got shouted at.
C: Maybe it will teach the woman to keep her thoughts to herself next time.
D:If op doesn't feel comfortable allowing her 8yo ds into male toilets, its her business & hers only if she wants to take him to the females instead.

tittytittyhanghang Mon 21-Jan-13 22:59:39

Well we'll have to agree to disagree, i find it rather insulting. Id imagine most parents teach their children about privacy, no one being allowed to touch, and shouting for help, but the reality is if you unfortunate enough to be the victim of a sexual assualt/rape etc your not always in presence of mind/too scared to shout for help, and knowing about privacy and that no one is allowed to touch you isn't going to physically help a child to stop it happening.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems Mon 21-Jan-13 23:15:13

There's this marvelous invention called a rape alarm (or something similar). It's a keyring that emits a loud distress sound when pushed, you can attach it to your childs trousers so that they can access it easily if you wish. If your child has need to use it you can then barge in, deck the perv and then stamp on his balls wink Though it is a very low risk.... You could always accompany your child into the gents...

Primafacie Mon 21-Jan-13 23:18:25

No, it may not help in the face of a violent assault, but statistically there is less chance of that happening than of your DH, DF, or your child's teacher or nursery worker to abuse them. Yet we all leave our children every day in the care of others without a second thought?

I just think the public toilet risk is being completely blown out of proportion. There are a hundred things I would stop my child from doing (drinking bath water; eating sausages; crossing a street, ever) before worrying about public toilets. I would actually worry more about the washing of hands, and potential e-coli/ D& V, that I would about stranger danger.

Have you taught your children about dangerous puppies by the way? Because studies show that kids completely forget whatever they have been told about stranger danger, the minute the stranger has a puppy.

I used to have dogs, and witnessed that first hand many times sad

tittytittyhanghang Mon 21-Jan-13 23:20:05

You could always accompany your child into the gents... Surely a 8 year old in a womans toilet (which is all cubicled) is less intrusive than an adult female in a mans toilet where there is usually open urinals? Not that you can usually see anything unless your really look but still, i wouldn't want strangers watching me peeing on a toilet.

tittytittyhanghang Mon 21-Jan-13 23:23:12

I tend to go with gut feelings and what makes me comfortable, even if that is statistically incorrect. What can i say, im human.

Primafacie Mon 21-Jan-13 23:49:12

Yes Titty, and unfortunately our instincts and gut feelings are often wrong. That's where science comes into play. A wonderful thing, science. Also a human invention, I believesmile

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 22-Jan-13 00:19:31

There is no wrong or right though. There is no reason for an 8 yo bit to accompany his mum to the ladies.

We all follow our gut on things when it comes to our kids. We can play statistics but how much comfort is that if the worse to happen. We all make calculated risks but some are not worth taking. In this instance op felt more comfortable having son with her. Perhaps in another situation she would have sent him off to the gents

In sure there are things that you do as a parent that others would scoff at. I'm just unsure why posters should be mocked for a perfectly harmless parenting choice.

akaemmafrost Tue 22-Jan-13 00:19:33

FGS there is no way I am going to give my CHILD a rape alarm along with the explanation to A CHILD that that entails! What a ridiculous suggestion. No, I will continue the HARMLESS practice of taking my CHILD into the ladies with me where his safety can be assured. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to get a grip quite frankly and that's my last word on the matter.

Primafacie Tue 22-Jan-13 00:28:07

Everybody, I agree with you up to a point, but you seem to ignore the fact that your gut feeling, instinct or perception of the risk, however you want to call it, is for a large part determined by your environment, including the mass hysteria around stranger danger. Any notion that your instinct must be right, and/or that it operates in a vacuum, is entirely wrong, I'm afraid.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 22-Jan-13 00:34:27

But you are ignoring the fact that gut instinct evolves over time and is influenced by prior experience. Often people use the expression when really they have made a split second decision quite logically. Have you read blink by Malcolm glad well? Quite interesting.

Anyway, I don't think science or gut instinct are relevant to the discussion. I think what akaem said is perfect.

And no one has come up with a good reason for an 8 yo boy to not be in he ladies whilst accompanied by his mum

DizzyZebra Tue 22-Jan-13 00:36:20

TBH I think anybody who has a problem either way is a bit sad.
It would not bother me seeing an 8 year old boy in the womans toilets with their Mum.
It would not bother me if the child goes into the mens on their own.

I have no problem with young girls coming in on their own if they are out with their Dad either, And i would not object to my daughters Dad taking her in the mens.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 22-Jan-13 00:38:05

People have feelings and emotions and are ultimately irrational. You can't expect everyone to follow a strict statistical analysis in every decision they make. Of course an emotional response will impact decision making.

Why do you think the term pfb was coined!!!

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 22-Jan-13 06:57:15

Prima, I am very happy to ignore and discard everything you have said and stick to how I feel on this. Now run along with your baffled thoughts as no one wants to hear anymore from you.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 07:04:23

Everybody in this scenario was being unreasonable to some extent.

1) In my personal opinion, eight is too old to be making assisted visits to the toilet unless you have a medical problem. Were my DD 8 (she isn't) I would be waiting outside the ladies for her, not taking her into the gents.

2) HOWEVER, these things are a matter of parental choice and the reason your kid was in the loo should have been obvious: he was with you, and you were assisting him in going to the loo. Nothing sinister about it. The woman was very rude to comment.

3) Your response to her, given the provocation, was not really unreasonable.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 07:05:11

PS. The rest of this thread is a bit Paedogeddon.

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 07:16:03

I think your reply to her was rude and didn't put you in a good light. I don't think you were being unreasonable with your son though. When my brother was about that age, he came out of the men's loo in a central train station and said there was a man who tried to touch him. He was quite shaken about it and I've never forgotten it when it comes to my six year old DS. I never let him in the men's loo alone unless he runs in first ( and then I'm standing outside calling out to see if he's ok blush). You could have just said that he's a bit young to fend for himself if need be.

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