To limit DH to £50 per week?

(260 Posts)
MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:25:36

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is shock ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money sad

So AIBU to give him a budget?

HildaOgden Sun 20-Jan-13 18:28:01

You need to show him what proportion of his working year is being used to pay for his snacks...30 quid a day works out at Seven thousand,five hundred quid!!!.Work out how many weeks/months he has to work full time to pay that,and tell him.He might be shocked to see it pointed out that way.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:29:00

fortunately it's not credit Shelley. savings.

trying not to drip feed but i should add...i said i wanted the savings in my name too - as atm it's all in his account - so i could see what was going out as it couldn't be treated as a slush fund for him. He said fine but wasn't very keen. i am already annoyed about the savings as 3 yrs ago we were both made redundant from the same company. he walked into another job but i was unemployed for 9months. i got 12k and he got 25k. we decided to live off my money and save his. a few months ago he came home white as a sheet and it turns out there is almost no money in the savings. for the past 3 yrs he's been drawing on it for treats, hols etc i knew about some ie baby cot etc but not all of it. it never occurred to me he would be so irresponsible, he always made out we could afford stuff like eating out, hols and our incomes were not mixed at that time so i thought his wages were covering it.

Also 'we' have been buying £850 of shares every month thru his work for the past 3 years - he gets a good deal and it's taken directly from his wages. Despite me constantly saying it's too much. He has just stopped that this month. But it turns out he has been spending our savings to suppliment his income to allow us to buy the shares. so in effect we are no better or worse off, just transferred it from one pot to another.

i think another thing confusing him is he has so many accounts that he moves money about, savings, shares, current, isa etc that it gives the illusion of more money than there is. robbing peter to pay paul. it's only since we had ds we decided to merge money and i have been trying to unravel everything. it turns out he is totally drowning inside and didn't know what to do.

hermioneweasley Sun 20-Jan-13 18:29:07

It doesn't sound like there's an easy resolution to this - you have different attitudes and values towards money. Personally I couldn't live like that.

DizzyZebra Sun 20-Jan-13 18:29:50

YANBU. OH and i have decided on a limit of £30 each for 'extras'.

DizzyZebra Sun 20-Jan-13 18:31:36

Also - My brother is very strange with money and aspergers has been suggested as a possible cause. He cannot understand card payments at all and has had full blown tantrums and arguments and insisted he has not spent X amount. He has even stood there and insisted that the bank has stolen from him.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:35:44

hilda - it doesn't work. he did a weeks consultancy and got 5k so he'll just say it's fine. but he then doesn't take into account that has to be taxed at higher rate and it's earmarked because our car died. he wouldn't think it was too much. he thinks things cost what they cost and the alternative of not having what he wants does not register. there appears to be no sense of treats and moderation. ie eating out for lunch and dinner 4/6 times a week is normal for him.

i worry i am going to martyr myself and start going too far the other way. i already order the cheapest main and tap water if we go out.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 18:36:03

So your redundancy money was spent on living expenses for both of you - and his (that you had agreed to save) was just pissed away because he's incompetent and can't live within his means? shock

I'd be livid.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sun 20-Jan-13 18:39:36

The more you type the worse it sounds OP! He has got major issues by the sounds of it, if he has managed to fritter through £25,000. You are very lucky he has been spending savings not running up credit. Would he go to counselling to work out why he does it?

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:39:57

i'm trying not to be livid. what's done is done and i feel at fault for presuming he could manage it.

wht matters now is me getting a grip on everything and us living within our means.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 18:40:46

I would like to retract my original statement, in light of recent evidence.

You would not be unreasonable to limit him.

It would be far more reasonable to make it so that his wages were paid into an account that only you can access, and give him spending money in cash.

Once you have built up sufficient savings to make up for your share of the "joint savings" that he spent, then you should decide if you want to stay with him or whether you want to give him back control of his finances and leave him to deal with his own messes.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 18:41:32

£25k in 3 years is £160 a week of spending over and above what he could actually afford.

MsVestibule Sun 20-Jan-13 18:43:13

I just wrote out a post, but then read your most recent updates and I'm even more shock. I'm a SAHM, and any money DH earns is family money. Although we do argue over him spending too much, we are basically on the same page when it comes to spending.

TBH, under these circumstances, I think you are absolutely mad to be considering having another baby and also moving to a country where you can't earn your earn money.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:43:22

his parents are overly frugal. loaded but shop at car boots and wont use electricity or heating. his mum says they can't afford to put on the oven so dinners are cooked virtually by lightbulb! they've never had anything nice and i think he never wants to be like them. also when he got this job he really thought it was rock n roll money. but it isn't. it's good, but not that good!

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 18:48:22

Holy shit koala sad

Can you move some of what's left of the savings into a long term savings account so he can't 'just' withdraw from it? You really need to be looking out for yourself and your children here. You need to extract yourself from being tangled in his piss-poor financial (mis)management and be able to support yourself somehow. Can you not see how incredibly vulnerable your position is? I worry for you and your children as things currently stand.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sun 20-Jan-13 18:49:16

I am not a fan of 'I am trying not to be livid' - some things warrant livid. Why are you trying not t be livid?

You are not a fault for assuming an adult will not spend £25k on naff all, on pizza and other pointless crap.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:49:59

trills - if you take off 10k for hols and baby stuff, then divide it then yes. don't get me wrong - we've moved 3 times in 3 years so things have come out of it, but my issue is i thought we were covered with wages and just dipped in a bit.

my own fault really. i feel so stupid. he's also not paid up his life ins on the house. so for the sake of 3 months of £19 we've lost it to the value we paid for the house and can only get cover for what it's worth now - a drop of 20k. it's okay tho as apparently he's 'not planning to die' confused aaaarggh

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 18:51:40

No, its not your fault

Repeat ad nauseum.

MsVestibule Sun 20-Jan-13 18:52:00

Holy shit koala Indeed. I can't see why you're trying not to be livid. DH would be peeling me off the ceiling if I'd found out all of this.

As Stuntgirl says, you are in a very vulnerable position, and while I really, really don't want to kick you when you're down, I actually think you're also burying your head in the sand about how bad this all is sad.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:53:53

he is insisting he has access to all money, but i think just knowing i can see the saving account might reign him in - i hope. i was very trusting.

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 18:55:05

He is fucking awful with money. Either he's an idiot, or he's controlling. Either way it's not good.

He needs to sit down with the budget. There is £x coming in. There is £x going out. There is £600 (I think you said?) left over. £x in savings not to be touched under any circumstances, £x for him to spend, equal amount for you to spend. And once it's gone it's gone. It's absolutely non negotiable, it really is.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:56:13

you don't earn the money but you want to impose a budget?how's that work
no.as adult he takes more responsibility,more prudent,spend responsibly
if money remains tight you stop being housewife and get a job,you pull in salary too

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:56:43

oh god i know. when we are together i get sucked in and think it's okay. but when i stay at mums it starts going round my head again and i feel like i'm unravelling a ball of string with one end tied to a cat.

i need to take control but i do feel sympathy for dh.

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 18:57:56

I agree to an extent scottishmummy. What happens when they move to America though and she can't earn any money? Suffer for eternity because her adult husband is a selfish shit?

Astley Sun 20-Jan-13 18:57:57

Wow to £850 of shares a month! I can't believe he didn't realise this was far FAR too much if he then needed to take hundreds a month out of the savings!

Was the redundancy saving the only saving you have, or do you still have money in the ISA's etc you mentioned?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sun 20-Jan-13 18:58:02

In the nicest possible way I want to shake you koala! It is not your fault.

You are talking about this is in a strange way and I think you are taking blame that does not belong to you.

You really could do to find your anger. A grown man has seriously damaged his whole family's prospects and shows no remorse.

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