to not invite these partners to my wedding?

(165 Posts)
gollumiscute Sat 19-Jan-13 01:42:59

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 17:03:21

I see where you are coming from, youoldslag. I haven't seen the other threads so only commented in relation to this one, and personal experience. As I (sort of) said earlier when it comes to this sort of thing you can't keep everyone happy and trying to do that could easily drive you mad.
Me and my partner were invited to a wedding of one of my close friends and my partner was there at the expense of a friend who had been friends with the bride for years. I couldn't for the life of me understand why my husband was there but said friend wasn't, but then not for me to think about as it wasn't my day.
OP, if you are still reading this, you are probably no further forward - my advice would be go with your gut instinct, and what you would expect of others if the roles were reversed. If they don't want to go without partners they can always decline the invite....
Good luck! smile

RubyrooUK Mon 21-Jan-13 16:55:06

OP, are you ever coming back? Loads of us put in time and effort arguing about your wedding invites over here. wink

AnnoyingOrange Mon 21-Jan-13 16:50:50

I think it's odd not to invite partners and I wouldn't be inclined to accept if I was given such an invitation.

Hobbitation Mon 21-Jan-13 16:32:25

I would invite partners if I knew they had a long term boyfriend/girlfriend, not if they had just started seeing someone (as it may cause embarrassment to them) and would be counting them in the numbers from the start, not as an afterthought. Everyone at our wedding was there all day, couldn't be doing with faffing about/having a hierarchy of who is invited to what part of the do and why.

YouOldSlag Mon 21-Jan-13 16:26:34

LetMe- no they don't count MORE, but there have been so many threads about not inviting partners and BFed babies, or excluding guests from the reception and just having them at the ceremony and evening do, that I am starting to think that the comfort of guests is getting thrown off the list completely.

As I said elsewhere, guests have loooong memoires of bad weddings.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 09:24:01

I agree with Slag. Weddings are getting ridiculous.

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 09:05:45

Of course you are right, Youoldslag, guests do count - but not more than the bride and groom! And I suppose it would come down to whether the options for the B&G are sacrificing 4 other guests (as the OP suggests in their post) for the sake of 4 people who they don't really know or, of course, not invite the four girls at all but that could be considered rude also (and massively disaapointing). Surely if you are a friend you would put the B&G's needs before your own, even if you did think that it was rude that they couldn't afford the space or money to invite your partner?

YouOldSlag Mon 21-Jan-13 08:51:33

I think if you've just met someone and it's just been a few weeks, then it's OK for them not to be invited. If it's work colleagues, it's OK not to invite spouses. If not, then it's bloody rude!

I would really hate to see this become acceptable etiquette. Weddings are getting ridiculous now and guests feelings are simply not being considered. It may be the bride and groom's day, but guests DO count too!

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 05:32:16

If a friend didn't really know my husband and only invited me to their wedding due to numbers/costs I wouldn't be offended. The day is about them, not me, after all. Likewise if my husband was invited and I wasn't.

It is your wedding OP, do what suits you, just don't get upset if people choose not to come as people have very different views when it comes to weddings, as can be seen from the thread responses.

YouOldSlag Sun 20-Jan-13 16:28:37

nkf- Agree. It's becoming an over extravagant circus and guests' feelings are getting overlooked in favour of posh venues and expensive extras.

In the olden days it would church or registry office, then a do in a hall with kids and husbands all included and a jolly time was had by all. I'm not saying everyone should have weddings in a church hall, but we could learn a lot from that. It's getting out of hand like a giant egotistical snowball.

nkf Sun 20-Jan-13 16:02:35

Not inviting will be like paying bars or requests for money. As the price of weddings escalates, people will have to cut costs. And where better than making your guests annoyed? I think there should be a new trend for cardboard cutouts. People who look like your friends and fill up the photos but who don't eat or drink anything. I'm sure I could market that idea. If people can get away with caged doves and favours, then this should be a shoe in.

YouOldSlag Sun 20-Jan-13 10:31:28

There have been several threads about not inviting partners recently. This worries me as it indicates a trend is beginning, or it's becoming acceptable to cherry pick half couples to weddings.

This says to me that weddings are becoming way too precious and we are losing sight of what they are really about.

wannabedreams Sat 19-Jan-13 22:54:10

Invite them and OH or don't bother.......

hrrumph Sat 19-Jan-13 22:50:58

I'd invite the partners as well.

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:15:39

Well that is why I mentioned how at least they'd have each other wink

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:26

*A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.*

My point was that guests have long memories of bad weddings! smile

Incidentally the wedding I referred to was full of people I knew, I just wasn't allowed to sit with them! Not a huge deal, as that was only for the meal.

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 21:00:42

Binky- I used the example of family only as a blanket get out clause. If a bride is determined to have the posh £££ venue and having problems with friends/partners/live in lovers/friends with 5 kids etc, just have a really small one and friends can't then be offended if it's small and family only.

Not that I would do this myself, we included partners and kids and friends and their kids at ours. I want their friendship and loyalty long after the wedding!

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 19:24:26

Maybe I just have different experiences of weddings than other people who would not go without their partner. Sounds like lots of people find them a chore and therefore resent going anyway, whereas I've always enjoyed them. Also, I don't get this thing about sitting on your own etc. Surely you tend to know other people too, as friendship groups cross over?

As said earlier, I wouldn't just invite one person who didn't know anyone else, but apart from that I don't understand why it's difficult to spend time with others you know. I also don't see it as a judgement on the relationship.

youoldslag - you're right, technically you could change everything else about your wedding to invite everyone plus partners (although your example of a family only wedding does not seem to qualify as being able to invite everyone you want, plus partners). Seems more realistic to have a balance between a number of things, but maybe I feel this because I don't really feel that strongly about child free/non-partner weddings etc.

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 18:40:50

Tables plans or seating plans are awful ideas. Let people sit where they like. Obviously old biddies have to be helped into chairs and brought platefuls of food. But all that sitting where you've been put and waiting for some cold food to arrive. It's all so annoying.

PrincessOnBoard Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:57

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.

ArtexMonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:51

Good lord, if you can't afford the ££ for your preferred guest list to come to a sit down meal, you need to maybe look at having family only for the ceremony, meal and speeches, then an evening do in a hall with a buffet or something.

There's no shame in this, nearly every wedding I've been to has been like this.

PrincessOnBoard Sat 19-Jan-13 18:37:40

In the OP's case, she already knows some of the partners and also, these are very close friends. They might be fine about leaving their partners at home but I'm not sure that I'd risk it for £160.

Who are her close friends??

From the OP it states that they are lucky to see each other once a year.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 19-Jan-13 18:01:14

Its not rude at all. Just invite the women and put them at the same table. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was me. It would probably be good. People dont have to take their dp with them to everywhere they go, contrary to popular belief.

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:55:49

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:54:55

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

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