to not invite these partners to my wedding?

(165 Posts)
gollumiscute Sat 19-Jan-13 01:42:59

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:20:44

That's not what I meant at all, ledkr.

The remark was about the expectation that these women, who may not still be friends in any significant way, are expected to pal up and hang out together for the OP's pleasure.

If you make your wedding into a celebration of your life so far, it will be more like an endpoint than a new beginning.

These women's partners are important in their lives now.

Having them as a part of an important social occasion is more likely to lead to ongoing contact with these friends.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:20:46

But isn't a wedding "a performance" dressing up and being sat at the front of the audience guests' making speeches, the first dance!
If you want to do all that then I'm guessing you'd want as many important people as you can afford there to view it all.
Don't take any notice if me though. I don't get the whole wedding thing anyway. We snuck off on Xmas eve and just did it. We had a new car and a nice holiday instead grin

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:21:46

"But isn't a wedding "a performance" dressing up and being sat at the front of the audience guests' making speeches, the first dance!"

No.

TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 09:21:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 09:23:49

I think it is fine not to invite partners, I would however speak to them about it

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:28:45

"I'm guessing you'd want as many important people as you can afford there to view it all."

Quite.

But this turns on the definition of the word "important".

It's a pretty big statement to say to your friend that her partner of 5 years, whom you know and like, is not important.

Asking the "girls" to come alone is pretty much saying "come to my wedding and then we will go our separate ways. Your life now is of no interest to me."

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:30:25

We it sure looks like it to me or why get dressed up etc. could just rock up in a nice dress and sit with your guests. Or not have anyone there at all.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:33:26

You think the only reason to wear nice clothes is for a performance?

Um... OK.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:01

Athing. "I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to." - Ah, the wedding as performance rather than enjoyable social occasion strikes again.

For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers.

I think its getting married in front of strangers that turns it into a performance, rather than if its just in front of those you know and love.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:43

Oops posted too soon.

So i think you've got it the wrong way around Athing.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:36:57

fuck that's what I mean. Thanks for saying it so much better than me.

princessnumber2 Sat 19-Jan-13 09:37:03

Why don't you just ask them up front? My wedding had a strict numbers limit (because of venue and budget). I have a HUGE family and already couldn't invite loads of family members. To invite all of my family and all of our close friends and their partners and kids, it would have been a wedding of 300+ (which I've been to and you basically don't get to see everyone anyway). We wanted the people we were closest to at our wedding and that didn't necessarily follow a straightforward set of rules.

I was in a v similar situation to you. A group of friends who were all v close but I didn't know their partners at all. I couldn't have only invited some of the group so it was a case of them coming as a group without partners or not coming at all.

I talked to them about it in advance and explained the situation. They were all fine with it and understood. One was a tiny bit shitty but came round in the end (more so after he got married and was in the same boat grin).

Some friends did get to bring partners but that was because they'd just had a baby and were coming with the kids etc. We tried really hard to be fair on everyone and to accommodate people who were 8 months pregnant, breastfeeding, travelling from abroad etc.

Wedding guest lists are a nightmare (as is the seating plan) and you almost always put someone's nose out of joint.

At our wedding the people who came without their partners said they had a lot of fun and didn't spend the event looking after their OH.

I think that was because they knew loads of people at the wedding. It's a bit different if they wouldn't know many people/anyone there.

VestaCurry Sat 19-Jan-13 09:38:10

YABU. The approach to weddings in this country gets curiouser and curiouser.

iamabadger Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:06

I know op mentioned the money per head, which I agree isn't much in the total if a medium to large wedding, but it's not just a out that is it? Having four people she doesn't particularly want there takes up four places she could use for other people. Saying she should have a bigger venue us ridiculous-if that's where she wants to get married and is what she can afford then that's where she should choose! I presume a bigger venue would cost far more than £40 per head. Her friends are not joined at the hip to these men, and plenty if women who are single go to weddings and don't look like spinster Sal as so wine charmingly phrased it. So what if other guests think they are single it hardly makes them lepers!

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:47:00

"For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers."

You consider your friends' partners to be "practical strangers"?

Even ones you know and like? That they've been with for half a decade?

confused

It's easy to see why some people struggle socially.

PS a wedding isn't a private thing. It's a public thing.

That's the whole fucking point.

But you have given me an insight into what motivates bridezillas.

Guess what?

At your wedding, you are a host.

The people who show up to celebrate with you should have a nice day.

It's not all about you.

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 09:54:43

I think its getting married in front of strangers that turns it into a performance, rather than if its just in front of those you know and love

But they are not strangers to the good friends are they or in this case even the OP, thats the point. Its not all about saying a few vows, its the party to celebrate afterwards and it strikes me as self absorbent if the bride cant see that to. At the end of the day I couldnt care less who watched me get married, some stranger off the street could have wandered into the church for all I care, I was so happy to be marrying someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I was looking forward to the reception, I wanted everyone to have a good time and if my guests wanted their partners there for this then I was fine with it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:18

"Having four people she doesn't particularly want there takes up four places she could use for other people."

Charming!

Dear Friend, your partner is just not somebody I care to have around. There are other people I like more.

Please come and celebrate how wonderful I am.

Yours in hideous self obsession,

Bridezilla

FeistyLass Sat 19-Jan-13 10:03:24

You know your friends best so can you judge whether they would see it as an insult?
A relative sent partnerless invites to myself and my sisters and I know my sisters were very offended. (some of them have been married for over 20 years and our brothers' wives were invited (despite not being married for as long) so it did seem like a bit of an insult to them tbh!)
However, I also have a friend who invited a group of her friends without their partners and they were all fine with it. She did speak to them about it first.

ovenchips Sat 19-Jan-13 10:10:08

AThingInYourLife has put it better than I ever could in her posts.

People are doing a lovely thing for you by coming. It involves £££, a lot of prep, time and inconvenience. It really is not you doing a lovely thing for them.

Your wedding wouldn't be quite what you envisaged without guests to celebrate with would it? (Or presumably you'd elope).

So why begrudge your guests the opportunity to actually have a good time by being thoughtful about what it would take for them to do that?

When it is single invitations and i would have to spend weekend with 'old' friends (i.e. people i hardly ever see anymore) without someone close (ie a partner) to spend it with, I wouldn't feel grateful about a mean-spirited invitation of one.

TheBrideofMucky Sat 19-Jan-13 10:15:46

I would invite partners too sorry. Think it would be rude not to, especially the ones you already know. I'm having partners I haven't met at my wedding too so can see where you are coming from.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:20:29

PS a wedding isn't a private thing. It's a public thing. That's the whole fucking point. But you have given me an insight into what motivates bridezillas.

If it were truly a public event there would be no such thing as a guest list.

As for your bridezilla comment and the swearing grin It just makes you sound daft. You're so desperate to win this argument! Why? Are you scared of stepping out of the house alone! You yourself sound like a guestzilla. Its a controlling thing i think. You. Can't. Control. How. Someone. Else. Plans. Their. Wedding.

You're the one who said a wedding isn't a performance, but then say its public and so anyone can come. Sounds like a performance to me! You're contradicting yourself.

For me its a special day that special to me people come to = not a performance.

mrsjay Sat 19-Jan-13 10:24:09

I think inviting 'the girls' is fine without partners I was at a wedding with just work people a few years ago no partners/husbands were invited I think it was cost as well , would they be offended probably not if they dont come then at least you invited them

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:24:14

A wedding ceremony is a public event, that isn't up for debate.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 10:27:50

We are getting married this year. We've decided we will invite partners if they re living together or married. If it's someone they are 'seeing' then we won't.

To not invite the partner of someone who is living with their partner, is in my eyes, and as someone else said, like saying the relationship is inferior just because they aren't. My fiancé is my family now and has been for a long time now, despite not being married and if someone didn't invite him to a wedding then I wouldn't have gone either.

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 10:28:04

All have been with partners for 18mths plus? These are then likely long term aren't they?

Do they live together? Ditto

Do they have kids? Ditto

If the answers are yes then they should be invited. If they've been dating for six months no.

Tbh at ur wedding u won't spend much time with them. It won't be a Uni reunion per se. They may not really like each other now, for gawds sake give em someone they do like, their partner to talk too!

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