To be really upset with my Mum and her rubbish apology

(93 Posts)
whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:32:46

My mum has my son one day a week while I temp. I can choose my day at this particular place so its usually pretty flexible. I was asked to go in on Thursday, Mum said no she would prefer Tuesday so I swapped. Monday night she said actually she would prefer Thursday so I swapped back.

Thursday morning comes and I waited for her to arrive at the time she said but she didn't come. I called her and turns out she is still asleep. So I just calmly asked her to hurry, put the phone down, ruminated on the possibility of going to her house (but I had already taken the car seat out of my car to put in hers so that would have taken me longer... etc) Anyway in that time she calls me back and said she cant come at all because she has lost her keys. Time was getting on now.

I spoke to my husband and he said by the time I get to her house I will have missed my train and it will be around 10 (I have a hour's commute) and basically with this job on this particular day I HAD to be there by 9 or there was no point going in (I would have been in the office on my own after that time with no training or instruction) so I may as well just not go. It turned out I was able to call in and get some work to do at home so not all bad on the work front.

Mum called back later in the day - Its ok! She found her keys! Great huh! And she's sorry but these things happen and I have to understand. There was no real sense of apology, no sense of urgency, no acknowledgment that I or my work had been inconvenienced and when I said she had cost me the days wage and potential chances of going back to this place she just said "Dont make me feel bad" and put the phone down. Now I do understand that these things happen, but honestly she has been saying this to me ever since I was small and I'm just fed up of being let down all the time. I spent the morning in tears at this. I just feel she didn't take any of it seriously and then got angry at me for being angry (which she always does, everything is someone else's fault. She even blamed my younger brother for 'taking' her keys which he didn't)

Am I in the wrong here? Am I being harsh by being upset? My work could just get another temp who turns up on time with no hassle....

onyx72 Sat 19-Jan-13 08:57:10

No idea why that was posted twice!

CabbageLeaves Sat 19-Jan-13 09:00:37

I'd have been upset OP. As a mum I'd never let my DD down in similar situation because of the consequence for her. If I'd did for whatever reason I'd be as upset as you were being in that position.

It is time for you to find more reliable childcare. My parents did childcare for me. Do I appreciate them? Without doubt yes. Do they value the time they spent with their grandchildren. Absolutely. Did money exchange hands? Yes it did in same way you describe.

I was soooooo grateful to them, but had it not worked out I'd have moved on to alternative care. They would have been devastated if I did that tbh.

This has hit a nerve with you. Not only has she put you in a very difficult position at work (fortunately overcome this time) but its reminded you of childhood disappointments

Don't be cross anymore. You can't change her but you can change your response. Find reliable child are and your mum will have to accept it.

Bigwuss Sat 19-Jan-13 09:07:05

I agree with the others that say either you sit down with your mum over a coffee and talk it through. It may be she doesn't understand the impact she is having. If you do this I would stick to only childminding timekeeping etc. or make other arrangements.
If it were me, I would be looking for other arrangements as you can't always change other people's long standing habits, only your response to them.
Some mums just aren't reliable and I think you'll not get any joy from trying to get her to change.

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 09:11:49

Although you say your mum will be upset if someone else looked after your son, it sounds to me like she doesn't want to have him whilst you are at work.

I would have been really upset, and you need to agree reliable childcare for your working day. See if your mum wants to spend time with your DS when you aren't working.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 09:11:51

I think people are being really horrible about the mom here. Poster is getting free childcare and should really put up with the 'unreliability' unless she wants to pay a nursery £50 a day (or whatever it is).

If anything, poster is ungrateful.

I do love the free childcare posse. Remember OP they can do whatever they want because its FREE. What a crock of shit. If you make a commitment to help someone you help them.
OP your mum is obviously unreliable so I would definitely look into an alternative.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:31:24

Hold on March. The op changed her work plans twice to suit her mother.

It's hardly entitled to expect someone to stick to an agreement and not let you down at the very last minute at all.

Op, ignore March. She's talking tripe.

You need to make alternative childcare as your mum is flaky. Could you help a friend one day a week with their child in exchange for taking your ds one day a week?

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:23

People are just saying the gm is unreliable. That's not horrible! She is unreliable and she let her daughter down when she'd agreed to help. If she's not happy to help then she should say so and yes, she should feel guilty about letting her dd down.

All this free childcare and be grateful bs IS bs because if the gos didn't want to do it then they simply shouldn't do it. But don't make it a rod to beat someone with.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 09:36:45

Sounds like a lot of spoilt daughters here.

Uppermid Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:38

Op your mother is completely unreliable, you need to get other. Childcare arrangements sorted. And yes it is tough. You may well end up workings for nothing for a while, but that's the deal when you have kids I'm afraid.

And to everyone else thinking the op is in the wrong here - really? Just because you are doing someone a favour, means you can do it on your terms? D you often get asked to help people out? Would you be happy to let them down? After all its for free isn't it so it doesn't matter.

Op ignore them.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:46:41

Spoilt? Someone agrees to an arrangement, they let you down, you are cheeses off about it and THAT's being spoilt? hmm

Sounds like the mad anti dd/dil brigrade are out waving their pitchforks again. grin

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 09:47:42

She´s not getting free childcare if her mum doesn´t do it though, is she?

She´s not getting anything-not even the chance to make another arrangement!

Isn´t the issue that the mum promised to do something-& then didn´t?

Does it matter that what was promised was childcare?

Uppermid Sat 19-Jan-13 09:50:00

Melika - are you reading the same thread?

so let me get this straight. The ops mum offered to look after her gc whilst the op worked. She dictated when she could do it, the op changed her days as requested (twice) and then she didn't bother turning up. This could have caused the op to lose her job, caused massive inconvenience, the ops mum can't see any problem, doesn't apologies. Yet the op is entitled?!

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 09:56:37

Working parents need to organise reliable childcare; what the OP describes isn't that. Childcare is a logistiocal problem - as in I need someone to look after my DS for my working day + commute.

My work is not undertsanding or flexible and if a temp changed days and then didn't turn up, they wouldn't be used again. I would 'get another temp who turns up on time with no hassle.' Last minute changing days, regularly losing keys, sleeping in are not an emergency. OP's childcare arrangements are jeopardising her employment.

I was back at work full time when DS(now 6) was 5 months old and have never had any help from gps with regard to free/paid childcare.

dayshiftdoris Sat 19-Jan-13 11:05:48

I must be entitled to as I was furious when I was let down in a similar way many years ago...

I was a midwife at the time, was threatened with disciplinary and a clinic had to be cancelled which affected 30 other people.

It so simple to say 'pay for childcare' but I was and was trying to cover christmas... every year for 6yrs I flew by the seat of my pants - often working christmas day as I could guarentee that they wouldnt just decide to leave as they did in previous years.

Her mother's an adult - as an adult when you offer to do soething then you take responsibility for it and in my book she is shirking her responsibilities in a manner that she probably wouldnt do to anyone else.

I will say this though OP... if you want to keep working longer term then you need to sort this out - you could pay for childcare but I think people have overlooked something major here...

Your husband

I am assuming he doesnt work 24/7 so why dont you work when he isn't? Its flexible enough to do at home with little notice so perhaps there is scope to work round your hubby

Other obvious solutions is you ALWAYS drop off - that way she cant oversleep and not have him or your hubby drops off / stays late at home to wait for your mum or you drop him to your friend if mum lets you down.

Whilst what your mum did is frustrating and shows lack of thought it will not change and as should you need to take responsibility for the childcare with this thought in mind....

She is not and never will be reliable childcare

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 11:08:29

What about ALL the other times she has been reliable. What is she? An underclass untouchable, no, she is her mother who probably doesn't always feel upto it.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 11:10:49

NB, I don't suppose any of you have ever called in sick?

Schnarkle Sat 19-Jan-13 11:11:27

I spoke to my husband and he said by the time I get to her house I will have missed my train and it will be around 10 (I have a hour's commute) and basically with this job on this particular day I HAD to be there by 9 or there was no point going in (I would have been in the office on my own after that time with no training or instruction) so I may as well just not go. It turned out I was able to call in and get some work to do at home so not all bad on the work front.

So what part does your husband take in organising childcare? He was very useful in pointing out what you had to do and granny is getting a lot of blame here too. Or does he sit away from it all nice and safely and let you deal and pay for it?

FeckOffCup Sat 19-Jan-13 11:19:27

If the OP's mum had been sick then that would be unavoidable and OP WBU to be pissed off with her.

As it stands I think OP is NBU to be pissed off, her mother said she would take DS on a specified day and then went back on it for no good reason. I would try to come to a mutual childcare swap with your friend instead OP.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:28:26

This is not about the fact that her mum let her down with childcare - that's incidental.
This is about the fact that her mum has a history of dismissing her daughter's feelings and opinions as trivial, and of no consequence. As though the OP were at fault for daring to feel let down!

My mum was the same. If she did something to upset or annoy me, she simply would not own it. The problem would be that I was overreacting and volatile and being unfair to her and making a fuss over nothing.

I'm a level headed person with a good sense of perspective actually. She just simply would not be found to be at fault. Ever.

It was not a good personality trait of hers. At all.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:33:09

Melika - you are wrong.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:45

Melika, your points are illogical and irrelevant.

MadBusLady Sat 19-Jan-13 11:39:24

She didn't call in sick, she overslept, lost her keys (which she randomly blamed on the OP's brother) and didn't seem to think any of this was at all important or out of the ordinary, and told off the OP for minding about it. If she'd been sick, or said in advance "Sorry I don't think I'm up to it" that would be totally different. It would even be different if she'd accidentally overslept, lost her keys, and been totally mortified and apologetic about the whole catalogue of errors. But she didn't and wasn't.

I just cannot believe it is at all controversial that this is not a good way to behave.

edam Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:21

Your Mum is a cow who clearly has no idea of the impact of her actions, or more likely doesn't care. You have learnt a valuable lesson - that you cannot rely on her.

Do feel your dh should have stepped in as it was an emergency - not a long-term solution but if childcare let us down, dh and I would share the burden.

But now you know your Mum doesn't care about letting you down with no notice, you need to sort something else out. If you can't afford a CM or a nursery, you either need to find a lovely, lovely friend who will look after your child for less than CM or nursery regularly or rearrange with dh - stay at home or work flexibly between you, or find some local work.

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:49

Melika shock Where do you work? How do you sort your childcare out?

OP works one day per week - are you suggesting that the OP calls in sick because the person that has agreed to help with childcare can't be arsed at the last minute? OP is a temp, her employers can simply find someone else?

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