to not want to tell people the sex of my baby?

(208 Posts)
CheerfulYank Wed 16-Jan-13 22:46:13

I'm due in May. DH and I know the sex but would like to keep it to ourselves. (I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. blush)

My mother keeps asking me about it, sending me emails of things that are stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things and asking if she should buy them.

She has a friend who does exquisite linens for nurseries and has offered to make some for me. My mom said on the phone "I haven't even messaged her about anything recently because she'll want to know about the bedding and I don't know what color to tell her!" I said "can't you tell her in May? The baby will sleep in with us for awhile anyway so I'm not concerned about the nursery." Apparently not, though. hmm

My brother, whom I have a difficult relationship with anyway, hates secrets or surprises of any kind. He sent me a few Facebook message saying "I don't get it" and "is this some "thing" people do now?" This is his way...he tries to make me feel stupid until I agree with him or do what he wants.

Even my best friends are talking about how they'll "get it out of me" and the general consensus seems to be that I'm being selfish. sad

AIBU not to tell? I just want to keep it between us and the few random mumsnetters I've told for awhile. Plus our pfb has been an only for almost six years and we are trying to include him as much as possible, so we were thinking he could make the announcement.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:13:43

good god, your mother sounds hard work!

You know, you could have avoided all this by not finding out yourself grin or by laying the groundwork beforehand and being really vocal about not wanting to know, wanting the big surprise when the baby is born, etc. Then people would have expected that you didn't know and wouldn't have pressed it. grin and you also would have enjoyed the big surprise at the birth.

You're going to have to be firm.

We're NOT telling anyone. Stop asking.

Or just tell them. Have the Big Reveal now.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 07:26:17

She is quite hard work. Luckily she lives a five hour drive away...it does wonders for our relationship. grin

She does have her good points...she adores DS and really is very funny, but God I could throttle her sometimes! smile

By doing this I was actually trying not to be precious! I have Facebook friends who have arranged entire photo shoots around the gender reveal...opening big boxes and then looking joyful as pink or blue balloons float out, having parties where everyone bites into a cupcake to reveal pink or blue filling. I thought that was all a bit much and we'd just keep it to ourselves and then have DS make the important big brother announcement at the hospital. I certainly didn't think it'd go over like this!

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:42:13

God those balloon and cupcake things sound so OTT and indulgent.
I guess to me, the bottom line it, who is the surprise for? Ultimately it's only the parents who really matter. We wanted surprises so we chose not to find out the gender and find out for ourselves as I gave birth. The gender really isn't that important to anyone else, so I suppose it seems a bit odd to me to be saying 'we didn't want a surprise ourselves but we're going to make it a surprise for you.' The balloons and cupcake things you describe sound so self important - I mean honestly I couldn't give a toss what sex other peoples babies are! And I don't mean that in an uncaring way, obviously I was glad when friends had healthy babies but I would have been stunned if any of them started doing a massive 'gender reveal'.
Anyway, as i say it's entirely up to you, but I think probably if I'm honest your friends know that YOU know so a big announcement from the hospital is not going to he as exciting for them as the sex of your baby is to you.

Hyperballad Thu 17-Jan-13 07:52:30

If ever I announce that I've arranged gender cupcakes could you lot arrange for me to be shot. Ta.

dizzy77 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:44

I'm interested in this as I had a very similar experience to YorkshireDeb with DS, people seemed to respect our desire to not talk about the sex even though we "knew", although frankly I was never committed to it until he arrived anyway because I'd heard it's often wrong.

Second scan next week with DC2, and we'll probably find out (DH won't engage in name debate until 50% of the possibilities are ruled out) but have yet to determine our communications strategy.

I can appreciate it may come across as a bit "I've got a secret, ner ner". Our reasoning was we didn't want to be bought lots of pink/blue things, and I didn't want to politely shrug off lots of stereotypical comments about what I could "expect" based on the baby's nominal gender: my increasing impatience towards the end of my pg leads me to believe I was actually helping people not have their heads bitten off. This time round, it almost feels worse, as already people say "Oooh I bet you're hoping for a girl this time" etc etc, all well meaning conversation lines which is starting to make me angry. I reply that we honestly don't care.

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 08:01:17

Oh dear cheerful your mum does sound rather umm... Trying... Anyway you know what i think you should do wink

I have seennthose crazy gender reveal parties watches far too much crap tv like teen mom etc

Tailtwister Thu 17-Jan-13 08:05:55

We had a similar problem OP, so I know how frustrating it is. We found out but had decided to keep it to ourselves. Unfortunately, DH had the fact that we knew extracted from him by his mother (nothing I could do about that) and then we weren't given a single moment's peace. In the end we had to tell DH's family, who then couldn't keep their bloody mouths shut and told everyone (including my own parents).

Stick to your guns OP if you can stand it.

themindwonders Thu 17-Jan-13 08:12:48

i skipped some replies (sorry) .. we took our dcs to scan, my ds1 said can u tell us (didnt mind) and then he told everyone (again didnt mind) .... we just refuse to tell anyone his name (prob cos i'll change my mind before may lol) i would mayb tell him now and get everyone off your back so you can enjoy the rest of ur preg

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:16:26

She really is 5Mad. When I finally did stop working last May she said "what's the point of stopping now, DS will be in kindergarten in another year!" After years of telling me it was awful that I worked! By the by I worked 8-12 in a school, so all afternoons, weekends and holidays off. I despair of her sometimes, I really do. smile

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:18:59

Will do Hyper. grin

I try not to judge the things other people do but I have to say I do give a "oh ffs" at some of the gender reveal parties...probably why I'm not invited!

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 17-Jan-13 08:20:00

My friend found out the sex of their baby but then didn't tell anyone. I don't know how others reacted but our group of friends were fine. There was a couple of times we jokingly tried to get us to tell her by mistake but it was just teasing. I don't think YABU at all. Your baby is a big deal to you, and would hope to your family and friends. Just tell them you want to surprise them on the day and to stop going on about it.

ll31 Thu 17-Jan-13 08:22:14

Seems ridiculous tbh, telling people we know and then not telling them. .. seems attention seeking and plain silly-sorry! But best of luck!

Figgygal Thu 17-Jan-13 08:23:14

You're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be IMO

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:27:20

Well it wasn't like I said "we know and you don't , ner ner ner" smile I'm just a shit liar!

Plus they all knew that I had to go in for a lengthy and high tech scan that took an hour and in which every part of the baby was photographed and measured, so it was no good telling them the Dr couldn't tell.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 08:34:17

Oh yanky you daft banana, it's because you have told people that you know the sex grin

So you are being U but I love you anyway grin

PM with details please! wink

NoTeaForMe Thu 17-Jan-13 08:41:51

I did exactly as you are doing with my first pregnancy. I was going to tell people that I didn't know the sex but as I told my mom that I didn't know she said 'well you clearly do know, don't lie !' I admitted we knew but we had decided not to tell anyone. We told friends that we didn't know-but oh my god it was all hard work! Worth it when I was able to phone them and tell them we had a daughter!

We have found out and told everyone this time as my husband has said it will help our daughter prepare for what's ahead! I don't think it would matter too much either way but he was adamant and I couldn't decide if I wanted to know! You can't tell a 2 year old and expect it to be kept a secret-do this time everyone knows!

YANBU to keep it a secret, it's ridiculous that anyone thinks they have aright to know!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

merlottits Thu 17-Jan-13 08:42:14

People who know and don't tell are a PITA and it does come across as control freakery.

You're obviously having another boy and just scared people are just going to say "oh another one?". Are you hoping that if the big reveal is after he is born then no one will care that he is just 'another boy' and just be excited about the birth?

No one will be thinking that, I'm wondering if YOU are thinking that?

Are YOU a bit disappointed in the gender?

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:49:47

Nope, Merlot. I am thrilled. smile

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 08:58:53

Well,

I kind of lost sympathy when you mentioned "exquisite linens" on a site for the general public, when you must be aware that some people struggle to buy the basic necessities for a new baby. I also think most Brits fail to get the Yank (to use your word) materialism surrounding a new baby, especially the "baby shower".

I see where you are coming from re your mother but dealing with overbearing mothers comes with the territory (for many of us). I don't really understand why you chose to find out yourself if you did not want others to know. And, as for getting your 6 year old to "make the announcement"; how precious can you get?!

I am trying not to sound harsh (and dismally failing) but why can't you just be a little more normal and try to realise that most of the population have children and it is really not a big deal. And sadly the second child's birth will get a fraction of the attention of the first's and, if you go on to have a third, you may even get comments such as "do you really need another baby" from friends and family (as a friend of mine with three had). However, from your oen and your baby's perspective, none of it matters at all. If you are just honest and allow those around you to be nice and buy you things if they want, then everyone will think a lot more of you and this non-issue will disappear.

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:01:53

Yy you shouldn't have told people you knew. I don't care how crap a liar you think you are. You can still say "we didn't find out".

Now, as has been suggested, you'll just have to say "we're not telling, so stop asking!"

Another tack would be to say that you don't want pink or blue things. I'd do that anyway, whether I knew or not.

I know, btw, and I'm not telling

grin

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:04:56

What, Larry? It's not ok now to say something is beautiful in case other people can't afford it?!

How bloody ridiculous.

It wouldn't matter if the OP had said "my mum wants to get us a blanket from Tesco and doesn't know what colour to get". The post would be the same.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:05:20

Oh God, I could never ever afford the crib bedding! Ever! My mom has an etsy shop and so does this woman. She and my mother trade things and my mom was recently really helpful to her with a personal problem, and this woman told my mother she would love to make some bedding for my baby as a favor.

I'm really, really not materialistic, I promise. smile I mentioned the bedding because I think it's silly for my mom to use that to entice me to tell. If I cared about it I would have told her so that I could have it.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 09:07:35

Toby,

It was the phraseology and the nature of the whole dilemma. At least I would not be so rude as to tell a potential present giver what colours I did not want, based on my own perception of sexism. A present is a present and you should just be grateful for it. But maybe I am old fashioned and one's own politically correct views should come ahead of old fashioned decency.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:08:18

I think I could get a lot more precious than letting DS make the announcement... Did you not read the above about gender reveal parties?! grin

And I won't be having a baby shower.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 09:09:31

I have never heard of "gender reveal" parties. True, that takes things to a whole new level smile.

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