to want to cancel going to this wedding

(326 Posts)
nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:16:09

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

ukatlast Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:58

If he's not that fussed about the friendship (and I'm guessing he isn't or this issue would never have arisen because communication would have been better all round) then I think YANBU and they need to get over themselves...upstaged by a newborn?...fgs!
In your shoes I would be keen to back out as well...they will realise in years to come once having had their own newborn how outrageous their attitude was.

Don't think yabu & very off that the mil to be has personally phoned you!

We went to a wedding where I was very pregnant with dc3 & had been in & out of hospital with contractions. Didn't spoil anyone's day I just went up to the room & quietly had my contractions then joined in again when they had gone away.

Presumably you could take ds to your room & feed him there if he was getting overwhelmed?

Might be that they think your dh won't be an attentive enough best man?
How does your dh get on with the bride to be?

thegreylady Tue 15-Jan-13 21:36:57

I just think you have a lovely dh smile
YANBU

*bf not be

WorraLiberty Tue 15-Jan-13 21:37:19

YANBU

I'm all for child free weddings if that's what the couple want but your DH is doing them a favour here.

They knew the baby would be around and you've been more than reasonable with your plans.

LemonBreeland Tue 15-Jan-13 21:41:07

YANBU. If they didn't want a small baby there they should have made it clear at the beginning, not now the wedding is almost here.

They have made you feel very unwelcome, I don't blame you at all if your DH cancels being best man.

I can't believe they got the brides mum to call! How old are they, 16? If I were your dh I would call and say if the baby can't come then neither can he, and ask where they would like to go from there. I would also tell them both to grow a pair- the mum ringing indeed grin

MerylStrop Tue 15-Jan-13 21:42:53

They probably think that if you have a babysitter for DS1, then they can have DS2 as well.

Interpreting it as withdrawing your invitation is not quite fair on them. They just don't get it. I think they are probably being a bit dim, not mean. Perhaps there are actually 17 other bf babies at the wedding.

That said, I would think bugger them and not go. But it could well be friendship terminated with DH's mate.

PS Do they not realise that anyone at all can go to a church wedding service? It's not a private party and any old noisy attention seeking person can go, invited or not. M

PoppyWearer Tue 15-Jan-13 21:42:55

YANBU.

When we got married my DH's best man had a 3yo and a 6wo.

To make things easier for the best man and his OH, we invited the best man's parents and also set up a wedding crèche which they didn't use but that's a whole other thread and a room where they could go with the baby when needed.

It cost us a lot of money, but that's how much we wanted them there, in spite of it being "our" day.

We also tolerated them dressing up their 3yo as a bridesmaid and her standing in all of the photos, but now we really are in another-thread territory.

MerylStrop Tue 15-Jan-13 21:44:39

I reckon it's the MIL's doing entirely

ihearsounds Tue 15-Jan-13 21:45:36

So they've have several months to say right no children at this wedding, said nothing, and now decide a few weeks beforehand no children?

Screw them. You have been accommodating, sitting at the back of the church to make a quick exit, rather than somewhere up front. Booked a room at the hotel, and obtained a sitter for your other child.

nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:14

To be fair, I don't think they asked the bride's mum to call - I think she's the one making the fuss, she probably made her future SIL call and when that didn't work decided to do it herself. And Callyfornication, I'm perfectly prepared just to go to the reception and not the ceremony, they've made it clear they don't want the baby at either. I think the bride is an only child, which probably accounts for her mother's attitude.

I'm sure that the bride and groom didn't intend to be mean and probably didn't originally realise that it's not that easy to leave a bf baby with someone else for a couple of days, but dh did explain quite carefully without going into too much graphic detail (I was tempted to wrestle the phone out of his hands and tell them precisely why I neither wanted a miserable, hungry baby nor to have rock hard leaky boobs) and they - or rather Bride'smum - still wouldn't have it. Something tells me dh's friend is storing up trouble for himself.

Floweryhat Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:15

Yanbu

We went to a wedding a few years back where we as a couple were invited to the main bit inc reception and our dcs (all under 6) go their own separate invitations to the evening do! It was a local church wedding and the bride is godmother to one of my dcs. We had no local family and no childcare to call on, but tried our best to work something out. in the end we paid a nanny for the main part, but we had to leave the reception early to go and get the kids ready for the evening do they were invited to (and v excited about), wo missed the speeches and by the time we got back with them we were late for that part. There was a string quartet, a bar and not enough seats for the guests. Nothing whatsoever for 3 young kids to do. We played outside with the on the lawn the dark, and then sat in the floor in the hall. Then thought sod this, and went home. Funnily, we haven't seen much of them since. Longstanding friends of over a decade, but just drifted apart since. If I could turn back time I wouldn't go.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:31

how old will your baby be at the wedding?

justmyview Tue 15-Jan-13 21:53:11

Might it be an option for your DH to travel to the wedding for the day, attend the wedding service & leave after the meal?

TheCrackFox Tue 15-Jan-13 21:55:10

".... Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her......"

What kind of a sad twat thinks that a baby is going to be taking attention away from the bride? What sort of sad twat gets their mum to phone up for her? If the bride is any older than 17 (unlikely) then I feel very sorry for her future DH.

Does your DH think this is worth ruining a friendship over? If not could he go on his own?

EuroShagmore Tue 15-Jan-13 21:55:41

I was about to say YADNBU until I read your awful only child comment.

<Stalks off thread, sibingless> Harrumph.

She must have got your number from them though? They still need to grow a pair and tell the mum to leave it if they are happy for you to come.

I would give them the ultimatum.

NamingOfParts Tue 15-Jan-13 21:56:01

I am guessing that they just dont really 'get' children. Quite possibly the meal with you brought home the reality of children to them.

I am also guessing that they saw your DH properly as a family man with other interests, ties and responsibilities. While for the bride and groom this is their big day, for you it is simply a day.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Tue 15-Jan-13 22:01:12

I would do what justmyview suggests. Your dh goes on his own, does his formal bit and then leaves.

And spells out to the happy couple, before or after the wedding, how unimpressed you both are with their behaviour.

Few things about modern life bemuse me more than people's preciousness over weddings.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 22:01:44

If it's a church wedding anyone can go and sit in the church service anyway.

nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 22:02:40

EuroShagmore, I wasn't suggesting that they was anything whatsoever wrong with the bride being an only child. I just get the distinct impression that her mother almost views the wedding as her own because she's been focussing on it for years, well before the couple even met, and maybe if there were other siblings around it wouldn't be such a big thing for her or they'd joke their mother out of it. Bride is in her 20s, BTW.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 15-Jan-13 22:06:54

It's true what Linerunner says. Often at church weddings random members if the church's congregation go along.

Weddings have to be open to the public by law.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 22:06:58

Is it a church wedding?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 15-Jan-13 22:08:01

I think your DH should speak to the groom again and if they still don't want baby (how old?) then decide what you will do. it sounds to me that they didn't expect your baby to be coming so they were surprised at the dinner.

I would either send DH to be a fantastic best man or both stay home. I think it would be petty for DH to turn up and leave early to get home as it will create an atmosphere. Whatever you think of their attitude towards your baby being there, it would be unfair to create an issue at the wedding itself.

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