to not want to support him for 4 years

(90 Posts)
Ballyk Wed 09-Jan-13 13:34:29

namechanged
been with dh 11 years 4 ds 10,9,4 and 2.
2 years ago dh decided he wanted to quit work and go to uni full time (he is the main earner) he was offered a place on the condition that he passed the exam, he failed the exam and was told what he needed to do to ensure he would be accepted next time he applied. Anyway 2 years later and he has done nothing but thinks he will be accepted this year hmm
I have had various part-time jobs and done several college courses since having my dc, since having my youngest dc I have been a sahm but kept my hand in doing voluntary work and extra courses. For me to progress further and do the job I really want to do I need a degree. I have mentioned this to my dh and he says I am selfish and its his turn to study and my turn to work full-time and that I would not be able to cope with a full-time degree as I am unorganized and all over the place confused
We have had lots of ups and downs the past few years and at one point split for a while, I was left skint with a mortgage, debts and the children to support while he buggered off partying with his mates and other women.
Obviously we have since got back together, I never want to find myself in that position again and want to be able to support myself and dc.
AIBU to think fuck him, if he really wanted to go to university that much he would have done everything to achieve this, also he doesn't know what job he wants after doing a degree. AIBU to apply for the degree I want to do (only a week to go for applying) and put myself and dc first.

Ballyk Thu 17-Jan-13 12:17:19

Whoops don't know what happened there

Ballyk Thu 17-Jan-13 12:16:39

Thank you all for wishing me luck
Good luck to you jambalayacodfishpie I've got my fingers crossed for you
No he didn't apply and I havn't told him that I have

Ballyk Thu 17-Jan-13 12:15:39

Thank you all for wishing me luck
Good luck to you jambalayacodfishpie I've got my fingers crossed for you
No he didn't a

SomethingProfound Wed 16-Jan-13 19:05:29

Bally, good luck in your application. I truly hope you get in.

I think it's incredibly important that you pursue this degree. From reading your posts it does not sound as if your relationship is in great shape at the moment, pursuing this will give you good earning potential and the ability to be independent, should anything go wrong.

Also and perhaps most importantly it sounds like you have worked really hard to get this far you owe it to yourself to go all the way!

As for your DH it sounds as if he is looking at university life through rosé tinted glasses.

Becoming a full time student especially when you have a family to consider is a huge commitment to undertake both in financial terms, time and the amount of effort it takes to complete a degree. To do so with out a long term plan and a really strong interest in a specific subject area is irresponsible.

Good luck in your studies.

ThereGoesTheYear Wed 16-Jan-13 18:11:19

I just read your other thread. He sounds horrible. Fuck him.
Good luck with your course.smile

Fab! Fingers crossed for you both Ballyk and JambalayaCodfishPie!

JambalayaCodfishPie Wed 16-Jan-13 15:07:54

Whoop whoop Ballyk! so did I

Did he? grin

Ballyk Wed 16-Jan-13 12:28:08

Yes I applied

mollymole Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:04

Have YOU applied yet ?

ThreeTomatoes Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:35

It just seems like you haven't really talked all this through properly, as a couple, with mutual respect for each other's dreams and plans. You say the idea was that you would work full time while he did 4 years' study. Was this talked through and agreed properly? Or has he just taken this for granted? Have you properly sat down and said, actually, here's what I want to do, I can't work full time while I do it, let's figure out how we can both study and whether we can manage it financially? sort of thing. Rather than all this accusing of selfishness and 'fuck him's going on.

fwiw i think he sounds like a twat and i would be highly frustrated with him too. I too feel like he's possibly doing this to try and prevent you from following your dreams, rather than because he wants to do it; he sounds a tad resentful.

You sound like you've been doing really well. I've been working nearly F/T, studying with the OU, and there's no way I could have fitted in voluntary work as well, though I wish I could as it would be so beneficial for future prospects. Good on you!

lottiegarbanzo Fri 11-Jan-13 13:16:34

It's because you sound as though you have little respect for each other and don't support each other. Also his history. You are sensibly thinking about how you would support your family if he were to leave again. That begs the question, if that is likely, wouldn't you be better off managing the separation yourself, rather than having to deal with a more stressful separation at an unpredictable time.

That doesn't mean you should separate of course, if you think you can make the relationship work. All this lack of support, conflicting aspirations and sulking just doesn't make it sound obvious that you can, or that it's necessarily worth it if you do. Of course there's much more to it. We can only go on the little you've told us.

Anyway, focus on your application and good luck!

Ballyk Fri 11-Jan-13 12:57:46

Yes it is one of them courses,
The city that I live in has really cheap rent so that won't be a problem and if he ever did leave me would more than cope on my own. I'm surprised really at the amount of people who think we would be better of separated

Cabrinha Thu 10-Jan-13 16:07:14

I'm another that wants to know what the course is though! Nursing or social work?

Cabrinha Thu 10-Jan-13 16:06:33

As I said before - get your application in, whatever - and don't remind him. Tbh, I'd considering securing a place, then deferring - and then spending the next year working and saving as much as you can. Plan to go it alone - this does not sound like a secure relationship. Although you shouldn't move the kids far from their father, I'd even be looking at course location with a view to which city has cheaper rent, to help when if you're on your own.

Zalen Thu 10-Jan-13 15:52:38

Agreed no-one is fundamentally entitled to have someone else support them, but in a marriage, if one partner is to be a sahp then that is generally what happens, presumably by mutual consent.

I absolutely agree that you should not let him put you off applying for the course you want and have prepared for on the off chance that he will get something he fancies through clearing. My main concern for you is that you get the course you want and he doesn't get what he wants then instead of doing the decent thing and buckling down to support you through your course whilst putting in the effort to prepare himself for his own course he just takes himself off and leaves you to it! It seems he has form for that.

So the big question for me is, if he disappears can you still support yourself through your course? If you can that's excellent, go for it. If you can't then would leaving him now put you in a better position to support yourself through your course? If so then a pre-emptive strike may be in your own best interests. If you'd be up the proverbial creek either way then you might need to do some serious thinking about what you want to do going forward, with or without him and start making plans to get you to where you want to be.

tomverlaine Thu 10-Jan-13 15:11:09

I am a bit confused.
are you effectively saying that if you got on your degree course then although you wouldn't be financially worse off than you are now he would still have to continue working FT?
I think this is unreasonable really- you are putting what you want (and i understand that you beleive it is better for the family) above what he wants (presume he thinks this is better for the family?)
I don't udnerstand how this would help your dependency on him in the short-term (although it may do in the long term)- if you split up while you were at uni what would happen?

My view is that you are not entitled to have him support you through a degree course FT and neither is he - I think he had more justification than you originally but doesn't now as he is obviously not committed so i don't think he should do it (sounds like he won't anyway)
if he wants to give up work -could you just swap roles for a period to give him a break (he is sahd doing parttime courses etc) whilst you are breadwinner?
i think fundamentally no-one is entitled to have someone support them (or bear the burden of supporting a family alone) unless the others consent to it

AThingInYourLife Thu 10-Jan-13 14:53:30

He really sounds like a dick.

Jux Thu 10-Jan-13 14:35:52

Sorry to be judgemental, but it sounds as if you'd be better off without him. He'd sulk if you got in and he didn't?
He can't be bothered to apply on time, can't be bothered to do the stuff he was advised to do to help him get in, doesn't know what he wants to study anyway, doesn't know what he'd do after he's finished (assuming he ever starts and does actually manage to finish anyway.

No, sorry, can't see what he's contributing other than money while he's working.

pluCaChange Thu 10-Jan-13 14:24:27

Well don't delay on the basis of what he MIGHT get through Clearing. If he gets something, you two can always swap deferring study

Hydrophilic Thu 10-Jan-13 13:26:43

I don't have anything helpful to add but just wanted to wish you good luck with your UCAS application.

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything more about it until at least Wednesday (16th Jan). I wouldn't even discuss my own application. How does he expect to get a reference in time? I allowed 3 weeks for my reference and even that was cutting it fine in the end.

Ballyk Thu 10-Jan-13 12:05:19

If I got in and he didn't he'd probably sulk for abit and then hold it against me and not support me with it. It is a very difficult situation

Ballyk Thu 10-Jan-13 12:04:14

Yes it probably would affect the family/relationship because he'd be jeoalous/pissed off that I'd be going instead of him

Grapesoda Thu 10-Jan-13 11:55:00

So your returning to uni would affect the family. Sorry if i'm being a bit slow.
If you can't both study at the same time what do you think he would do if you got into uni and he didn't?
Sounds like a v difficult situation.

Ballyk Thu 10-Jan-13 11:49:55

Thanks grapesoda I would have to work full time to support him if he went to uni
sallingforth no I don't find that rude, probably true. Sad but true

Sallyingforth Thu 10-Jan-13 11:13:46

It sounds to me like your relationship is not strong enough for either of you to rely on the other for any extended period of time.
Sorry if that sounds rude, but that's the message I get from your OP.

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