To tell my sister that's the last time

(45 Posts)
plim Tue 08-Jan-13 00:04:19

That she will treat me like shit.

It's a long story so facts in brief:

Younger sister, turbulent past - artist, clinical depression and years of abusing herself with drink anorexia etc. she has had a rough trot.

For the last two years she has sorted herself out, doesn't drink and is on her way to a 1 st in vet science.

My older brother was also an artist, depressed and drank himself to death. I lived with him and the night he died I left him at 4 am in a drunken mess and went to work, he fell out of bed pissed and must have passed out as he had fluid in his lungs.

I think my sister blames me for this.

My sister was pissed and in a similar state 2 years ago and I left her bedroom to call the dr and she said ' that's right, you gonna step over my body on the floor and leave me to die too'. I ignored it, she was paralytic.

Recently, my family are having a rough patch, hub lost job 2 wks b4 Xmas, we are really broke and in an awful situation. I called my sister and asked if I could have the £400 back that I lent her b4 Xmas. She slammed the phone down and sent me a nasty text saying that's the last time I accept anything off you. I have not heard from her since.

I am tired of being spoken to like dirt. She puts me down a lot, is incredibly difficult to get along with but us my sister.

How do I deal with it?

3smellysocks Tue 08-Jan-13 13:07:22

you had nothing to do with your brothers death. he chose to get drunk and unfortunately he had an accident.

3smellysocks Tue 08-Jan-13 13:05:06

text her again and remind her that your DH lost his job and things are hard for you both. Can you have your money back?

As a rule - see her when she is nice but create some distance when she is rude. She will learn.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 12:22:37

Christ that's awful digerd, I'm so sorry about ur dh.

digerd Tue 08-Jan-13 12:19:43

There are takers and givers and those who only take and are charming/ have charisma.
Dh and I were both givers < not money lenders or borrowers> and always paid for what we were given, which wasn't much.
A favour in return we never got. When DH was terminally ill, for the first time he asked for a favour in return from his family members- all refused.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 11:46:57

I've put the veg box on hold for a couple of weeks, I think mum wants her own space but now sister is a student she feels a bit stuck. I don't think she will ever move out.

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 11:23:28

Are you going to stop sending your mum organic veg boxes etc too? Because I don't think you can afford to right now.

How is your mum about her daughter living with her?

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:46

I think I want distance, so not a cafuffle - I hate confrontation and it would only make things worse with her anyway as she would really over react if if I said anything remotely critical. Would love to say forget the money but I really need it and she will pay it back

HormonalHousewife Tue 08-Jan-13 10:13:07

Firstly you have my sympathies, I think you have been fantastic throughout all this.

What do you actually want as an outcome ?

you are strong enough to ignore any mess she gives you.

you cant afford to lend her money - so dont. and dont feel bad about it.

Its not your fault that your Dbro died and its not fair that she gives you grief over this. This should be something you are united in your grief about.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:12:09

Right I would ring her now and smooth things over saying that you hadn't seen her text when you phoned her and you don't want to hassle but you are skint. This is just so that hopefully she'll give you your money back next week. After that I would distance yourself from her and don't lend her anything. See her only occasionally and don't listen to any sob stories. Why should you and your family go short while she sponges off you?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Jan-13 10:06:58

If you stop paying for her car and groceries you'll soon recoup £400.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 08-Jan-13 10:03:15

Plim shes 37, stop being the bank of big sister, my friend's brother asks to borrow money, takes ages to pay her back and treats her like a slave, i told her to stop enabling his childish behaviour, hes 30 and crap with money.

Dont lend her anything ever again, shes not grateful for it, dont give her anything, she whats to get on the straight and narrow, then she can start supporting herself.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 09:55:28

Don't want to cut her off but need to stop letting her walk all over me / make ne feel awful about myself.

diddl Tue 08-Jan-13 09:48:31

Are you bothered about a relationship with her?

If so, I wouldn´t confront-just stop enabling her!!!

Unfortunately-it´s a two way thing-she´s treated you like shit-you´ve let her!!

Just withdraw any future help at all.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 09:45:07

Sorry to hear that newyear, it's horribly painful being so powerless to help them isn't it. Re the earlier question is there family history - yes on my mums side, brother and sister very similar, hedonistic, self analysts and take after my mums side of the family for drink and depression. My other brother and I take after my dads side (which has it's highs and lows!!) so like chalk and cheese. Needless to say my parents are separated!!!

Adversecamber Tue 08-Jan-13 09:44:28

My younger sister is a taker and people just give she is incredibly charming and pretty but under that she is a calculating user. Your sis sounds the same, relationships like this are very destructive. I actually stopped all contact with my sis for a number of years. She then moved back in with my Mum and then dbro, she has used their goodwill for 8 years now and I am sick of it.

I am very sorry your dbro died but do not let her make you feel guilty about it.

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 09:29:55

No advice about this particular situation but I too watched my DBro drink himself to death.

Nobody wakes up one morning and decides they're going to be an addict, there's always a reason why they started substance abuse and that reason will still be there when they sober up. Sounds like your sis has got entitled little baggage syndrome!

noblegiraffe Tue 08-Jan-13 09:20:03

It's not your fault your brother died, and you are not responsible for your sister to the detriment of your own family.

If you can, I would write off the £400, draw a line under it and then when she next needs something explain that you can't afford to support her financially any more. She is sorting herself out, and financial independence is part of that, which can't happen if she is bailed out whenever she needs it.

VestaCurry Tue 08-Jan-13 09:10:37

Agree with kungfupanda

lottiegarbanzo Tue 08-Jan-13 09:07:12

Oh, ok, I've no idea what equine researchers earn, or how many end up working in their chosen field. Quite different but still good that she's studying.

You need to let her know she can no longer take you for granted and has to treat you with respect as a fellow adult. Younger siblings can seem never to grow up and grasp that even if they have much happier and easier lives than your sister.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 08:56:58

She's studying veterinary and equine science.....wants to be an equine researcher.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 08-Jan-13 08:54:46

Well I am immensely impressed that someone as you describe managed to get a place to study veterinary medicine - possibly the hardest university course to get into due to very limited places. Have I understood that right? She will have an excellent income in a few years.

Not very relevant or helpful sorry and yes, she sounds an utter nightmare.

FellatioNelson Tue 08-Jan-13 08:46:12

Oh dear. YANBU. It is alarming that both your DB and your DSis seem to have struggled with the same issues/addictions. Is there a family history of childhood trauma/problems/dysfunction? You don't have to be everyone's keeper you know - you can step back and do whatever you need to do to preserve yourself and your own family and not feel responsible for propping up everyone around you. It is ok to do that. don't feel guilty.

nilbyname Tue 08-Jan-13 08:42:20

Sorry I must have skimmed over that in your Op.

I still stand by my advice.

plim Tue 08-Jan-13 08:37:44

She's 37 believe it or not but she did spend at least ten years depressed / drunk.

nilbyname Tue 08-Jan-13 08:33:57

Hello op but do you have mug written on your forehead?!

She is taking you for one, and you are letting her, it stops now. I am sorry to hear that you are in financial difficulty, but I would write off the £400 and not be beholden to her in any way. I would also have a very frank conversation with her and let her know that all you do for her is coming to an end, that as much as you love her she is not good for you, it is not a healthy relationship and some space from her is what you need. She will probably kick off, but maintain your stance and she will come round.

Just repeat, space and time, space and time. Be fair, be consistent, tell your mum what is going on and why. Reassure her that she is not part of it, and that the good relationship you have with her will continue. Be cordial with your sister, but stop being a mug.

She is young-in her 20s?- probably the most selfish time of ones life.

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