Porn porn pissing porn!

(295 Posts)
Lucy411 Mon 07-Jan-13 15:33:18

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect sad

IfNotNowThenWhen Tue 08-Jan-13 11:54:00

X post Dahlen. Yeah, I agree with you about the bodily autonomy thing actually, and the condom use.
I am staggered how many men are prepared to have sex minus a condom.
It really needs impressing upon our sons that if you are prepared to have sex without a condom you are basically agreeing to pay 18 years worth of child support and/or live with Aids.
Also, porn has popularised things like hair pulling, slapping and coming in women's faces. Now, I am not averse to a bit of playful slapping, but in my face?? I think not.
I am a 30 something woman though, and have the confidence to say "hold up there Sonny Jim", not some insecure teenager who just goes along with being degraded because it's become normal.

MadCap Tue 08-Jan-13 11:56:04

Mini, there's no doubt in my mind that there's a link between having the first opinion and thinking that a woman is allowed an opinion.

Locketjuice Tue 08-Jan-13 12:09:52

Sorry to be graphic, the only foreplay he really wants is a blowjob.. But can't be just a blowjob he wants a full on show of pure deep throat (sorry!)
I'm thinking this is all linked in there somewhere too!

AnyFucker Tue 08-Jan-13 12:22:37

yuk

IfNotNowThenWhen Tue 08-Jan-13 12:30:28

Right. He doesn't actually want to have sex with another person, he want to do porn. Watching a lot of porn is definitely not the way to learn how to have sex with a woman.

Mia4 Tue 08-Jan-13 12:57:20

Locketjuice, if this is your breakpoint you need to hold true to it. His words are just words, his actions have spoken the truth many many times. He wasn't being stupid, it wasn't a once off moment, this is consistant and current and he won't change. Not without help and counselling for your relationship as a while. And even possibly not at all.

The things you are describing during sex are a bit worrying, they would flag a possible addition-despite his denials. But porn aside, this is about trust. If you agree to something and then constantly do the opposite and hide it then you're not trusting your partner to be honest with them and stand your ground or asking to work the relationship by trying counselling/compromise.

And it's very hurtful to be the person lied to, especially constantly because if you lie once who knows how much more you can and over what. It makes you also distrust them and get paranoid. This definitely boils down to trust, you know deep down he won't change or you wouldn't be looking through his phone. Question is where do you go from here?

That's down to you but as I've said, he isn't going to change on this any time soon. Really you need to possibly be apart and have counselling on all these issues: the trust, the relationship and your sex life.

Locketjuice Tue 08-Jan-13 12:58:30

The thing is I wouldn't care if he wanted to video us
He knows this he said that he doesn't understand why people would?
I want to know what it is exactly he's in to but won't say just I don't know and when asked if I could do anything for you like ANYTHING he said dont know a blow job.... That's hardly imaginative for a man that watches countless videos..

Disaronno Tue 08-Jan-13 13:01:12

He knew the rules and he chose porn, sorry.

Blistory Tue 08-Jan-13 13:02:18

^ It's not because men "need" it, it's just that the desire to see naked women tends to be stronger than any ethical considerations. It is depressing^

It's more than depressing, that ^^ thinking about men's desire overriding their ethical consideration is why we accept women being abused, beaten, raped and killed. Stop excusing the use of porn by saying it's an intrinsic part of man's nature. That does the good ones a disservice and allows prats like the OP's partner to wallow in self pity about how unreasonable and controlling women can be.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 13:03:52

I only brought up the crisps analogy to show how silly some posters scornful reactions have been, only for them all to go "Crisps and porn are equal in my hierarchy of trivialities". I don't have anywhere to go after that; if someone can't empathise that while they accept porn as 'a bit of fun' for others the impact of the industry as a whole is a serious matter, then I really don't know where to go with that.

Leverette Tue 08-Jan-13 13:12:34

I don't have links to the resources, but there is plenty of serious research evidence demonstrating that when a man uses porn, his partner feels less attractive AND the man views her as less attractive.

The upshot for me is that why, having had it explained numerous times, does a man continue to indulge in something that <harms the woman he claims to love>.

Does it not occur to him that the women he's viewing are all someone's daughter, friend, partner, parent? IME male porn users are shocking hypocrites who have totally objectified the women they wank over as nothing of greater substance than a Big Mac.

IfNotNowThenWhen Tue 08-Jan-13 14:09:45

I am not saying that using porn is an intrinsic part of mens' nature at all. And I am far from excusing it. All I am doing is pointing out the fact that most men DO use it.
So it is an intrinsic part of their behaviour. That is just a fact.
Why this may be, well, there are probably a lot of reasons, some of possibly them related to a sense of power that men get from being able to view women doing sexually graphic things. I say that because ime men who are sexually confident and have lots of girlfriends tend to not be all that interested in porn.

MrsBethel Tue 08-Jan-13 14:54:50

"Disaronno Tue 08-Jan-13 13:01:12
He knew the rules and he chose porn, sorry. "

Lot of comments along this line.

By the same logic, if the UK had the death penalty for shoplifting, you could justify it by saying "the criminal knew the punishment and chose to commit the crime".

The 'ultimatum' approach to solving marital problems just isn't helpful. It is a marital problem in itself. It is an attempt to claim power in a relationship. It's not the way to handle any issue with someone you really love.

Most porn problems come down to a difference of opinion:
To me it is unethical, and tantamount to cheating.
To most men it seems to hold no value; it's a bodily function; like going for a shit.
The solution? I'm not sure there is one. Condone it and I'm a doormat. Forbid it? Is that going to work? People only tend to obey rules they agree with, and remember men think porn is harmless. An ultimatum simply raises the stakes. But will it foster a spirit of cooperation?

AnyFucker Tue 08-Jan-13 15:09:24

MrsB, here are a couple of novelty ideas..

1) How about men educate themselves about the realities of porn? Perhaps they would be a bit less blase about how actually their orgasm comes at a price.

2) How about women stop defending men's right to use porn over the justifiably hurt feelings of the women that object to it. Less pressure on women from other women to be "cool" with it would be great

3) How about we all stop the relentless march of normalisation of the selling of sex and the harm it does to our society as a whole

MrsBethel Tue 08-Jan-13 15:51:51

The crux of the problem is that I think it's unethical, but men (generally) don't.

MiniTheMinx Tue 08-Jan-13 16:04:51

Men have far too much vested interest in denying the harm.

Blistory Tue 08-Jan-13 16:12:13

Well men need to be told that it's unethical, that it is harmful, that it's not a bodily function or a need they can't control. That it could be their daughter or wife or sister that some freak is wanking over. That women are harmed in the making of porn. That they're not entitled to access to women's bodies just because they want.

Entitlement to wank over a picture of a naked woman really isn't that far from entitlement to have sex with a woman just because you're a man. That's rape and all because they think they have an entitlement to women. Because we're not worth it. Well, fuck that. And if that makes me a prude or uptight or controlling, I'll take that over having to tolerate porn because it really is only the tip of the iceberg.

And now we have young girls being pressured into 'sexting' because it's becoming the norm. All because we refuse to address what porn really is and the harm that it does. It normalises abuse of women. It's not about sex, it's about abuse.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 16:39:55

Well I'm dragging this back to a more general point!

It's a bit stupid to say 'What, you're ending your marriage over porn??'.

Anyone's bad habits or unreasonable behaviour can destroy a marriage tiny bit by tiny bit over years. It might not seem like a massive deal to someone else - their partner watching porn, or smoking, or drinking too much a few times a month, or not helping round the house - but over time it can erode all the good stuff. Especially where there have been lies and deciet.

In fact if OP had come on here and said that her husband had never once emptied the dishwasher or cooked a meal despite her pleading and that he'd promised for years he would but never did, I bet there would be more support for her in considering ending the marriage!

Angelfootprints Tue 08-Jan-13 18:41:59

Really sorry your going through this op. It makes me genuinely sad to think another family somewhere in the country is now split apart over yet another selfish mans right to get his kicks elsewhere despite knowing the potential hurt.

If it was just a one of mistake I would hope you could forgive and move on- but ten times? Thats just ridiculos.

Be prepared for him to think this is no "biggie" as you forgave him 9 times before though, so dont be surprised if he seems lax in reaction in the early days.

slhilly Tue 08-Jan-13 20:46:54

I don't think men are going to stop using porn because others are harmed when it is made. Most people don't change their behaviour, by and large, for ethical reasons like that. There is extensive info out there to help us buy just about every product in existence in a way that causes less harm, from bank accounts to tablet computers to meat to transport options. Most of those remain niche, with the exception of some food items where the retailers have pushed eg bananas. Statute, or at least regulation, is required to effect fundamental change. But there would surely be an enormous black market.

I guess the only posssible model for behaviour change would be a social movement coupled with legislation, that shifted the behaviour from mainstream to fringe, a la drink driving, which would probably work best if coupled with a movement promoting the meme that sex is better when you don't use porn.

I don't mean to be defeatist, but it is important to be clear about the type of solutions likely to work.

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