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AIBU?

am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

135 replies

alycia · 07/01/2013 10:58

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for good.im sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

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ErikNorseman · 07/01/2013 11:02

Bless you
You stepped up to raise her child, well done. Do you think she will manage with this one? Would you be up to raising it also? I do feel for you, teenagers can be nightmares bloody stupid impulsive at times :(

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 07/01/2013 11:03

Good on you for stepping in to care for your gs, but maybe if she had had to keep him she would know how hard it is and that alone would have been contraception.

McBalls · 07/01/2013 11:06

Oh poor you, this sounds an awful situation for you.

I don't have any advice really, just wanted to say well done for caring for your GS, and I can totally empathise with how you're feeling about this new pregnancy.

alycia · 07/01/2013 11:08

she wont be able to cope with this one.ive 2 girls myself ages 6 and 3 plus my gs in the house a 2 bed house i cannot care for anymore.she prob would have him taken away from her as social services are involved thats why i stepped in i couldnt see him care.

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alycia · 07/01/2013 11:09

just dont understand why shes having another. she hasnt got any money and i cannot help out as im payimg for her 1st child

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shewhowines · 07/01/2013 11:10

Time for some tough love i'm afraid. You need to state clearly that you won't be looking after it and that you don't think she is capable of raising one on her own. You need to tell her that you will be asking social services to be involved for the sake of the child.

You will also need to tell her that she is on her own with this one and will need to move out (if she hasn't already).

Make it clear to her that you will act in the best interest of the child, even if that involves informing SS of any neglect etc, but that you will not have another one in the house or raise it for her.

Talk about adoption if she is against abortion.

Be clear and stand firm. Tough love. You will do her no favours else.

Lambzig · 07/01/2013 11:11

Poor you, this is a dreadful situation for you. Really good of you to take on your GS when you already have your hands full.

Can you take a deep breath and sit down with her and talk through how she is going to cope? Does she have somewhere stable to live, a job, etc?

No advice really, but I do feel sorry for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2013 11:15

Oh how awful. What a selfish person she is. Does she have any comprehension of what she's actually doing? I don't know what would be the best for you but in your position, I'd be telling my daughter that no, I will not take on another child for her and that she must take responsibility for herself.

I'm certainly not going to say a trite 'well done for taking on the grandchild' when this has the potential for sending you to the doctors for anti-depressants. Your health comes FIRST and you do not have to abdicate your life for your daughter's selfish and irresponsible wants.

MadamFolly · 07/01/2013 11:15

Where is she living?

I think I would be informing SS of this pregnancy and her circumstances, who is the lad? Is he capable? Are his parents involved?

alycia · 07/01/2013 11:16

im not good at tough love but i cannot take anymore.ive told her i wont be looking after another.she wont get rid or have it adopted.she lives with her bf but they owe rent arrears gas electric arrears never have no money shes always asking me to borrow.ss will find out as there still involved. i tried talking to her she told me to f off and its her life so now ive decided not to be in contact with her which hurts me but i cant go on like this.

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alycia · 07/01/2013 11:20

shes so selfish. shes not thinking of her son who lives with me. hes a nice lad he works well sometimes. he is good with her son who isnt his. his family are not very good tbh his dads a drunk. his mum lives away.

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Tralalalaha · 07/01/2013 11:21

No more money. Full stop. I've been trying to get this across to my pushover mother about my feckless middle brother for years. Same story, gas, rent, electric arrears, payday loans, got a full time job, left it because he couldn't hack working full time and not seeing his 'babbies' even though he left both of their mums, and basically doesn't see them unless my mum drives him round there. Consequently my mum is skint, knackered and depressed with the stress of it all. Don't go the same way, please. If you don't help her out she'll have to hit rock bottom, and that will be DAMN good for her.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 11:22

Does she live alone or with you still? Is she still at school? Does she have a part time job or anything?

It does sound like some tough love is needed, as she will never learn if someone is there to pick up the pieces. The thing is you're not being spiteful or anything, even if you feel you're being cruel. If you literally cannot take on another then you can't. In addition she's clearly not learnt her lesson so what would happen with child number 3, or 4?

Can you have a chat with her about contraception - she's going to have sex anyway by the sounds of it so could you get her on the pill/injection/whatever and give her some condoms. I mean, its the other negative consequences about sex that make me shudder, but I suppose all you can do is talk to her about them and then let her make her own decisions. You can't stop her having unprotected sex, unfortunately.

We have someone with similar feckless attitudes in our family, and already her eldest daughter is on the same path. The strain on those around her has been enormous. I feel for you, I really do.

shewhowines · 07/01/2013 11:23

I think you're doing the right thing unfortunately. Removing yourself from the situation is the only thing you can do.

Refuse to give/lend any more money as you need it to raise HER child.

Tell her that you would like to be there for her but you can't stand by while she ruins another child's life as well as her own. Also tell her that when she starts to make positive moves to sort out her life then you will do your best to help.

Until then stand firm. Act in the best interests of the baby. Tough love.

She is right, it is her life so you need to back off and let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. You need to do this for your own health. Just make sure that SS act in the best interests of the child, even if you do feel you are betraying you DD.

alycia · 07/01/2013 11:32

its so hard but ive done and tried everything

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alycia · 07/01/2013 11:33

do i disown her for good or is that just been bad as her mum

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happynewmind · 07/01/2013 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alycia · 07/01/2013 11:38

your so right i cannot do it again ive took her 1st on. its so hard as ive 2 of my own aswell to care for. i could rip her head off but i no this wouldnt help matters.

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StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 11:39

Does she live with you OP?

alycia · 07/01/2013 11:41

she lives with her bf

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ComfortablyCurvy · 07/01/2013 11:43

I wouldn't disown but lay out new rules and stick to them.

No more money off you
You will not be taking this baby off her

She has to learn to take responsibility which she isn't at the moment. She can't even pay her bills on time!

Tough love.
Be there for emotional support and if she needs you but tell her she has to stand on her own feet.

Ss will be involved I assume for extra support for her. Sure start is also good for new/young mums.

But she needs to act like a mother and not a teenager. And she isn't by the sound of it so you need to change how you are with her and she needs to step up and grow up.

MissVerinder · 07/01/2013 11:46

if the bf is a solid man and can support her well enough in all aspects, SS might give her another chance. they'll be doing parenting assessments the minute they find out she's having another baby.
you are fantastic for taking your grandson in

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Sallyingforth · 07/01/2013 11:46

Everyone is entitled to make one mistake, but we are supposed to learn from it and your daughter clearly hasn't.
Tell her that you will continue to look after the first child if she wishes, but she must have left home and be entirely self-supporting by a certain fixed date - four weeks before she is due. You will not be able to do anything to help her after that date.
Separately from this I would tell social services what you are doing, and the two fathers' names and contact details, so that they have her on file when they are called upon to help.
And you need to take your doctor's advice to manage the stress this has caused you.

Sallyingforth · 07/01/2013 11:48

xpost - I see she has left home. You must make it clear she cannot move back with you.

Pandemoniaa · 07/01/2013 11:54

You don't have to disown her. But you do have to be tough with her and make it very clear by word and deed that you have no intention of baling her out. Be that with money you don't have or by taking on another grandchild.

It might be that she copes better this time around. If she's only 17 and already has a 15 month old ds then she must have been very young when she first got pg. But you know your dd, we don't.

What you must not do is take on any responsibilities that put your own dc and your gs at risk. It won't do anyone any good if they all end up in care because the pressure is too much for you.

You are her dm. You love her and there's absolutely nothing wrong in showing her that you do. But this does not extend to stepping in to solve yet another messy situation.

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