To work 12 hours a day for 3 years with 3 Dcs under 6?

(153 Posts)
forgottenpassword Sat 05-Jan-13 15:43:05

I have 3 Dcs 5 and under. I have a very stressful job which involves long hours, averaging about 12 hours a day but sometimes longer. I am a pretty laid back person so can cope with the stress but am very into my kids so I am sad not to spend more time with them. But if I carry on with my job for next 3 years I am fortunate enough that I will be able to save enough to privately educate my children up to end of primary. But is it worth it?

mummytime Thu 10-Jan-13 10:59:01

Private school is not always better than state. The benefit of involved parents is proved.

So I'd say its not worth it.

Bonsoir Thu 10-Jan-13 10:28:53

Oblomov - "Not all children have great memories. I had a very happy childhood but don't have any memories about being a very young child."

The issue is not so much one of conscious memories as one of unconscious memory. When a very young child is happy and secure "in the moment", he/she carries that feeling through to later childhood and adulthood and it is a bedrock of strength. A very young child who is unhappy and anxious is much less likely to be a happy secure adult for the same reason.

stopgap Wed 09-Jan-13 23:44:24

I live in NYC, and this is a commonplace scenario (I am currently a SAHM to a seventeen-month-old but plan to start working two days a week in a few months).

In any case, maternity leave here is usually 12 weeks, and then people with careers in banking, law etc. go back to 60-hour work weeks. I see their toddlers and young kids with nannies in the park, some content, some utterly miserable and vacant-looking, and I often wonder whether it's worth it.

I don't care who is around more--mother or father (incidentally, for me, it was my father, and we've always been much closer)--but I do think, at least for the formative years, and if finances allow, it's good to have one parent at home or working part-time.

batsintheroof Wed 09-Jan-13 23:01:50

I always wonder what people think is important in life with these sorts of threads. I personally think that state schools provide a rounded and richer understanding of people from diverse backgrounds. If we are talking about eductation- private schools win hands down, but its very insular and weird environment to grow up in. I don't think it's worth the money at all but then education itself isn't everything for me.

Shagmundfreud Wed 09-Jan-13 22:43:33

Oh gosh - stay at work.

Gawd knows your dc's won't achieve anything in life if they go to state schools.
hmm
hmm
hmm

Oblomov Wed 09-Jan-13 22:19:22

Not all children have great memories. I had a very happy childhood but don't have any memories about being a very young child.
What age can you remember back to? Some people remember things aged 3, others can't remember before 6!!
I was partly privatley educated, but I don't rate it 'that' highly. But if you want private, I also agree with others that you shoudl be concentrating on secondary rather than primary. Both our local primary and secondary are one of the best in the whole country, apparently, so there is no need for me to educate my sons privately. I am concerned that the schools local to you are so bad. As others have suggested, I think moving is the most important issue here.

BlastOff Wed 09-Jan-13 22:12:33

Is that 5 days a week you do 12 hour days?

I do 12 hour days three days a week and HATE it, but my job demands that, there is just no way round it. I would do anything to be a SAHM but we are in negative equity and in debt, so not even selling up would allow it. It makes me extremely sad, and if I had a choice I wouldn't be doing it.

I think I will always regret this as I love the two days I have with them, but I don't know how to change the situation we're in.

extracrunchy Wed 09-Jan-13 21:45:07

I'm an ex nanny and don't want to make you sad but you are missing out on a LOT, and so are they. And state education can be excellent, depending on where you are.

Savechamges Wed 09-Jan-13 21:38:13

I don't think the children would suffer so much for 3 years but you will miss a lot, I miss those years lots of fond memories... Both in school now life is very different!

LynetteScavo Wed 09-Jan-13 21:23:15

this isn't a child centric situation

Yes it is. It's just that the adult can see the bigger picture, and therefore is able to make the final decision based on that.

LynetteScavo Wed 09-Jan-13 21:20:31

MN is weird. Usually posters declare mothers working harms DC in no way at all...women should work, blah, blah, then you get a thread like this where a mother admits to working full time to pay for private education and people are; Ooooh, no, don't do it!

As you already have the job, and a great nanny in place then I think in your position I would carry on. I think going into a new job and new child care with 3 DC this age would be tough, but you're not in that position.

Personally I wouldn't spend the money on primary education, OP. I would keep it to pay for secondary. or some really nice holidays

Bonsoir Wed 09-Jan-13 21:08:52

scottishmummy - but surely you think you have a parental responsibility to pay a great deal of attention to your DCs' feelings?

scottishmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 21:00:51

I don't defer adult decisions to young children, lunacy to suggest otherwise
if i asked my dc shall I go to work today?theyd no chose to stay home
however in world of adult responsibilities and commitments I don't defer to the dc

wisemanscamel Wed 09-Jan-13 12:45:45

What MrsMelons said - if you had to do it, fair enough, but this is a choice that you are (both) making on the children's behalf. Your nanny is bringing up your children for you at the moment. She is no doubt loved by them and may be excellent.

But your reward for all this is private schooling for them at primary level and a feeling of sadness? Doesn't seem like a good deal to me.

MrsMelons Wed 09-Jan-13 12:31:09

Also - the schools in our area are truly awful so they wouldn't be at nice schools instead but I still would never give up my time with them unless I had to in order to feed us or something (in which case we'd of course do whatever we could even if it is working 12 hours a day) but not for a luxury like private schooling.

MrsMelons Wed 09-Jan-13 12:27:57

My DCs are at private school but I would not have worked the hours you described in order to send them. I took a career break from work and we waited to make a final decision once I was back at work after 5 years off. I would not have given up that time at all. We said we would leave it till secondary and see if we could afford it then.

I still would not work all those hours to keep them at the school (neither would DH) and I hate the 2 days a week I leave at 715 and get home at 6pm, the other days I do drop off/pick up.

I don't think having them at a private school is THAT important.

GothAnneGeddes Wed 09-Jan-13 11:47:27

Such a depressing view some people have of children, you'd think they were talking about a pet.

Considering the number of threads on here with people talking about their childhoods and that their thoughts and feelings then were ones they would stand by now, I really wouldn't be so quick to dismiss their opinions.

valiumredhead Wed 09-Jan-13 10:04:43

No, they won't care whether you are there or not provided their needs are being met

Do you really think that?

I worked for families as as nanny with babies from birth until the children went to school so I was very much a member of the family and the children had always known me but they still needed and wanted their mum and dad.

If what you say is true then no child really needs to be fostered or adopted if all their needs are being met in a children's home/orphanage.

In fact kids don't need their parents at all and should just be shipped off to boarding schools and never allowed home until they are adults wink

dikkertjedap Wed 09-Jan-13 09:55:06

As others have said: only you can decide whether it is worth it.

Personally, I did not find it worth it and resigned from my highly paid and very demanding job to a new career which totally fits around my children (with huge drop in income).

I am now not able to afford private education. I don't mind as I believe that many children who do well learn more at home than at school and do so well at school because so much is done at home (not necessarily formal learning, but lots of informal learning plus the general environment, books, discussions, museums, etc.). I am very happy to have quit my previous job and being able to spend lots of time with my dc.

However, in your case, only you can make this decision as it depends on your priorities/interests, both for now and in the future. It is all good and well to want to spend lots of time with your kids, but also ask yourself, would you want to do lots of activities with them or would you find it boring, etc. Not everybody likes it.

NaturalBaby Wed 09-Jan-13 09:46:37

It goes without saying that a child request is not the same as an adults informed decision... but this is about the child, who is a valid individual with his/her own human rights. Parents often realise far too late what their child thinks/feels about decisions that have been made for the child's benefit, decisions which may have had a detrimental effect despite the good intentions.

noddyholder Wed 09-Jan-13 08:05:10

No

Bonsoir Wed 09-Jan-13 08:03:30

You dismiss the experience of others very quickly, scottishmummy - that is one of your consistent traits on MN. As a parent, IMO you need to pay very careful attention to what your DC tell you about their experiences and to take their long-term well-being into account, even if it does not fall in with your own personal agenda planned from before their conception smile.

scottishmummy Wed 09-Jan-13 07:36:26

child want/request is not same as adult informed decision.lacking adult capacity
adult will look at current and future consequence and bring an depth and perspective child can't
this isn't a child centric situation,it's bigger and it's an adult decision including chikdren

Bonsoir Wed 09-Jan-13 07:33:15

It's really important to listen to your children's opinion about family logistics. IMO children bear the brunt of negative externalities of parents' decisions far, far too often.

achillea Wed 09-Jan-13 01:38:30

scottishmummy I didn't suggest the children should decide - I said what would they want you to do? To think about this from the child's point of view. This is all about them, whether they get the privilege from education or whether they will get more from a homely upbringing. What will make them better people?

OP has come here because she doesn't think it's working out the way things are at the moment and wants to know how to make it better. My suggestion is, to take a realistic hard look at what would suit her children and the wider family - but more importantly, to get DH to be involved in that too. He is expecting her to make all the sacrifices and all the decisions and that's not right. If he thinks dcs should have a SAHP then he should be prepared to offer to do it if OP isn't ready for it.

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