To leave dd2 in the car outside tesco whilst i run in to buy 2 things?

(137 Posts)
Marne Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:00

Dd2 is almost 7 and has ASD, she had been asking for a magazine all morning, its her favorite magazine and she knows what day it comes out (which was today), usually i go and buy it when she's at school or i go whilst she's at home with dh as she's not keen on supermarkets (bright lights and too busy) but dh had gone out and told me just to take her to get it.

I took both the dd's with me, dd1 is almost 8, got to Tesco's and dd2 refused to get out of the car so i parked in the p&c space right outside the front door, locked them in the car, ran in, grabbed a loaf of bread and the magazine, payed and came straight out. Dd's were fine.

Dh thinks i was wrong to leave them on their own in the car, maybe i was? but if i had tried to take dd2 out of the car she would have had a meltdown and if i turned around and went back home she would scream for the rest of the day (as she wouldn't have got her magazine).

So is dh BU or AIBU?

SarahWarahWoo Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:33

Asked DH, he said if we were in same situation he would be happy for me to leave DD in car or he would bring home required item and we could make a big thing of Daddy fetching it for her x

Morloth Fri 04-Jan-13 22:44:17

I think at those ages it is fine.

I leave DS1 in the car (or sometimes at home! shock) for short periods of time now (he is 8).

He loathes shopping and I can't see any reason to subject him to it. He isn't any safer with me than without me, he is 8 and walks to school by himself (has for more than a year now), goes to soccer practice by himself most kids here do this stuff at this age. Thank God we haven't quite reached UK cotton wool standards just yet.

Now DS2 there is no chance (he is 2.5) because he doesn't have the problem solving ability, fine motor skills etc that his big brother does. I also wouldn't leave DS2 in DS1's care because while DS1 can certainly take care of himself. I don't think it is fair to put DS2's safety on him - would your DD2 have needed DD1's help if 'something' happened?

From what you have described you made the right call. The risk/reward ratio would have made me do exactly the same.

neveronamonday Fri 04-Jan-13 22:48:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mentallyscrewed Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:53

YANBU.
Depends on your child. I would leave my 8 year old for a few mins in the car but when my ASD 6.5 year old is 8 then I can't see it happening.

My friends often suggest that in a year I'll be able to leave my then 14 year old looking after her brothers. DS1 will be 9, DS2 7.5. I could easily trust her with DS1 but not DS2.

Depends on your situation and your children.

Greensleeves Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:59

Sorry, I know it's hard, but I wouldn't have done it. Just not worth it.

doingtwelvethingsatonce Sat 05-Jan-13 09:03:36

Well, you asked on AIBU. Some will agree with you, some won't. As soon as someone thinks you were, you go into "explain away everything" mode. Sorry, but if you have no problems with what you did then why did you even post it to begin with?? confused

You state your DH thinks YABU and shouldn't have done it. I suggest you discuss it further with him. As he is a parent to the children, he has just as much say in whether or not they are left alone in the car as you do. If HE had done something you felt was unsafe, would you want him to listen to you or a bunch of unknown people on the internet? hmm

RedHelenB Sat 05-Jan-13 09:06:30

If DH doesn't feel comfortable with it maybe avoid doing it in future but if you are fine with it then that's what counts - they were in your care & as you say you know them. BTW, I am not saying anyone with autism can't be sensible but when I test my kids on situations (like letting them walk to the shops( it's the unexpected scenarios I give them that I'm most concerned about their replies!!!)

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 09:11:42

I would have driven her home without the magazine tbh because that would have been the better learning experience even if she would have screamed. I know with my two with autism they will always push the boundaries so rewarding them for their non compliance would just escalate it next time so it's something I will always avoid. I think you may have made a rod for your own back because dd got what she wanted without having to make any effort on her part so for me YABU.

Marne Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:38

So what happens when your child is ill and you have to take your other child/children to school? do you not leave the sick one in the car when you run in with the other one? (i always do) or do you drag your sick child into the playground?

Dd2 often gets poorly (so poorly she can hardly stand up) so i have to leave her in the car outside school for 5 minutes when i run dd1 in, i dont have much choice as i have no one to sit with dd2 and no one to take dd1 to school.

Every day you take your child out in the car you are risking their safety, theres more chance of being in a accident than someone taking your child from the car or your car catching fire when parked.

Thank you Insanity for your coment, i understand what you are saying about making a rod for my own back by giving in and getting her the magazine but i was having a tough day, dd2 has been very anxious over christmas, she has hardly played with anything and magazines are the only thing that keeps her still for more than 5 minutes, i spend all day chasing her around, cleaning up after her and calming her down, by getting her the magazine i actually manage to sit down for 5 minutes without having to worry about what dd2 is up to. I made a choice on what was best for all of us. It was a last minute choice to take dd2 with me (as dh was ment to be home before lunch so i could go on my own), i did not have time to prepare dd2 before we went so how could i expect her to cope with being dragged into a supermarket. I should have thought about this before taking her but i didn't.

I know i posted in AIBU so i did expect these responses but i'm a bit shocked at how over careful some of you are (the coments about cars catching fire are a bit OTT), i was only gone 5 minutes max, i'm sure most people take their eyes off their kids for 5 minutes (maybe when they play in the garden or when they are in bed?).

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 10:10:33

Marne I'm as hard as nails though (because I have to be) Ds is nearly 18 and a foot taller than me so I can't risk him being non compliant because that would be dangerous for me and anyone else.
Not criticising you at all because I know it's really hard but just saying what I would have done and giving you my reasons why.
FWIW the mistakes I made when ds was still tiny I still pay for to this day 15 or 16 years later so would say that if you can see yourself being unhappy at a teen doing that behaviour then do your utmost to address it whilst they are still small enough for you to impose your will.

RedHelenB Sat 05-Jan-13 12:33:29

I think letting the handbrake go or someone bashing into the car would be the scenarios I would worry about plus maybe dd2 getting it into her head to find you if something prevented you from being as quick as you planned. But it's a judgement call. FWIW I would not leave my 6 year old in the car out of my eye vision because i wouldn't be 100% that he wouldn't fiddle with things or decide to come looking for me if he felt I had been too long a time. However i would leave him with his older sisters & he does play out on the cul de sac with the front door open. At the end of the day it is parental choice & everyone has to do what they think best.

Goldmandra Sat 05-Jan-13 20:03:31

" i'm a bit shocked at how over careful some of you are (the coments about cars catching fire are a bit OTT), i was only gone 5 minutes max,"

It only took two minutes for my friend's car to go up in flames. Luckily on that occasion she hadn't left her baby sleeping in it. She went out as soon as the smoke was spotted coming from the wheel arch and grabbed her handbag. She didn't have time to rescue the children's car seats.

I may now be a bit paranoid. I don't know but I do know I couldn't leave younger children in a car out of my sight.

As for whether you should have left your DD without a magazine - you made the judgement based on your own circumstances and what you know your own DD can cope with. No-one else is in any position to judge.

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