To be upset by this

(68 Posts)
milf90 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:22:32

Oh and I have been together 3 years this year, have lo (17 months) together and we have just bought our first house together. A few weeks ago I walked in on oh and friend talking about us getting engaged - oh said it wouldn't be long. Neither of them knew I overheard this. I was so excited, I have been looking forward to this pretty much for the last 2 years ;)

That weekend sil announced she had gotten engaged. I was so happy for her, she has been with df 7 years and we thought he was never going to ask.

Fil popped round the next day and asked if we knew and then said "well you 2 won't be able to get married until after they are married now" my heart broke a bit tbh, it had gone through my mind that that might be the case (I don't want to step on any bodies toes!) but then reasonably, it doesn't matter does it really? As long as we don't book it on the same day?! She was planning a long engagement at first too, which made it worse, but now she's decided on spring 14. (I had in my head summer 14 depending on if he proposes of course!)

Mil keeps asking me if I want a joint wedding, which I find quite funny since oh hasn't proposed!

I'm just a bit heartbroken i guess, I had gotten all excited in my head about it, mentally planning it, I worked out that financially we could afford it by the end of this year (sil is in loads of debt and would be borrowing more to pay for it!!), we want another lo after we are married (not before!) and don't want a huge age gap, 3 years we decided was optimum, so timing would be nearly perfect if we Ttc after wedding.

Am I a complete bitch for feeling so upset (and jealous!) about this? I honestly wish her all the luck and happiness in the world but I find it so upsetting that 1. I feel my dreams are being shattered and 2. Frustrated that we are being sensible and she isn't

We were also talking about weddings over Xmas and fil again reiterated his point that we would have to wait and save up first (tell that to bloody sil ;)) and that would take ages - I said actually it wouldn't because we want to cost cut as much as poss because neither of us want to spend a lot of money when we have a lo and want to get a bigger house in the next 5 years. My dream wedding would be around 6 grand (short notice all inclusive) - fil said where's this then, so I told him and mows he's bloody gone and told sil!!! Is it me or is this just a horrible thing to do?? I literally could cry!!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 04-Jan-13 20:56:17

OP you need to get your name on your own house - otherwise he could kick you out. Which I know you think he won't do, but I am really not sure that he is going to marry you.

showmethetoys Fri 04-Jan-13 20:43:54

Dammit, I was just about to come on to say that I couldnt believe that this thread had got to 66 posts and no one had mentioned the OPs username, and there was cabrinha 's post, 3 from the bottom!

OP has already stated that her partner wants to do it ''his way'', Pumpkin

OP agree you are in a v vulnerable position indeed financially

Why don't YOU propose?

Cabrinha Fri 04-Jan-13 20:19:22

Well, YABU based on your name alone - milf, really?

You have made yourself very vulnerable to financial loss. Why on earth haven't you protected your investment? Do it TOMORROW. Seriously - invest 10 minutes reading the Relationships board here if you have to.

My husband up 5K more than me our deposit, which he instantly "lost" 2.5K of because we own the house jointly. I said "oh, do you want to protect that?" and he said "no" - but there was absolutely no awkwardness or issues in a sensible conversation. If any part of you is uncomfortable speaking to him about protecting that money, then it's shows you have good reason to get it protected.

You can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage.

I've never experienced any embarrassment with my daughter having her father's surname. I chose to keep my own name, but she took his as it's nicer, and meant more to him to give it to her - I didn't care - I carried her for 9 months, gave birth to her and have loved her every day - she doesn't have to share my name to be my girl.

If you want to get married, then propose. But in the meantime, please do sort out your money!

DonderandBlitzen Fri 04-Jan-13 19:27:57

he then went on to say he wasnt ready for a baby, wasnt sure if he wanted another baby and shouldnt we get married first

I would have said "OK, when?" at that point. Surely if he is a half decent person he will understand your desire to have your father and grandfather at your wedding? Have you spoken to him about this yet? When you go out for the meal, it might not be the best time to talk about it as it's potentially an upsetting topic. (Hugs.)

Pandemoniaa Fri 04-Jan-13 14:13:06

but a little bit that im getting fed up of having a different name to LO (im fed up of having to explain and then watching people getting embarrassed!)

Do people really get embarrassed over what's quite a usual situation? dgd has ds2's surname (he and ddil are engaged) and it's never caused them the slightest problem.

However, there's more than one red flag in your post, OP. I'm concerned that you've put up the deposit for a house that you don't own for starters and I'm baffled as to how your dp buying it in his name alone meant you could borrow more.

It also seems that your dp has got himself in the enviable situation of throwing out little lifelines about marriage when it suits him but managing to engineer a situation where you aren't actually allowed to pursue the conversation sensibly. It's all very much on his terms, isn't it?

As for not getting married before your SIL, this is a non-existent tradition too. You can marry whenever and wherever suits you and your dp. In another example from my family, ds2 got engaged a year before ds1. However, ds1 will be marrying at least a year before ds2 for reasons that suit all the couples involved. Nobody has thought to suggest ds1 has to wait for an interminable period just before ds2 proposed first. So I wonder if your dp and his father have come up with this idea as yet another reason to postpone any discussions and planning for your own wedding.

spg1983 Fri 04-Jan-13 13:13:33

As long as you all get on, I don't see what the issue is. DH and I are both teachers so when my DB and SIL got married, it was abroad and they booked it for August so we could definitely attend. It had been booked for over a year. Then 6 weeks before DB's wedding, there was a very sudden terminal illness in our family so DH and I brought our wedding forward so that it was 2 weeks after we got back from DB's wedding. Both days were very different and absolutely amazing, plus SIL found out she was pregnant on the morning of my wedding which was really lovely, I'm now expecting as well.

DB and I have always been quite competitive but somehow doing everything at pretty much the same time has brought us much closer together, they are like our best friends as well as family, even though our wedding anniversaries are only 3 weeks apart!! We both paid for our own weddings so no pressure on parents.

lostmykeysagain38 Fri 04-Jan-13 08:10:08

I got married in the same place as SIL, although a few years later. I'd been to her wedding so obviously knew that it had been there when we booked it. The 2 weddings were both lovely but both very, very different and as far as I know, there were no issues with it being in the same place - and believe me, she'd have let us know!!!

10 years on, I can barely remember our wedding (or hers!)

Lavenderhoney Fri 04-Jan-13 03:18:18

Even if you were married you need to protect yourself financially. You need to be on the deeds and have an agreement drawn up with a solicitor regarding your amount and how you are due full repayment of the plus interest shoulda there be a split. A solicitor friend of mine told me people don't do it as they think they will never split or x is not like that etc etc and sadly end up with nothing if they split.

You can both have your name on the deeds but only one on the mortgage. It doesn't have to be one or the other. If you are on the deeds And he applies for a Mortage it makes no difference at all to what he can borrow. I'm surprised your mortgage advisor and bank didn't tell you. It's very common.
For a fee you can be added to the deeds which I strongly suggest you do as currently you have no power over the house or finances shold he choose to sell it.
Did you pay a lump sum to the bank directly for the mortgage? If not, you would have to prove it was not a gift. Even if you paid it direct to the bank mortgage account, as your name is not on the deeds or mortgage he could say it was a gift.

A conversation about your future should not end up in him shouting. It's supposed to be exciting not cause for stress.

If he doesn't want to marry and is now wobbling about more dc and won't specify dates or says platitudes like " maybe next year" be very wary as you might spend the next 10 years waiting and investing with this man who will eventually leave or you chuck him out ( assuming its now bth your house).

It's quite reasonable to want to marry in your situation, especially if you believe in marriage and you assumed he does to.

akaemmafrost Fri 04-Jan-13 02:57:11

I think it sounds like you pussy foot around him a a lot. It doesn't sound like you have an equal say in the Big Stuff at all, he says how it's going to be and that's how it is. I dint think I would WANT to marry him tbh.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Fri 04-Jan-13 02:41:29

I'm out of date! Sorry. blush My friend, who waited until she had had all her children before getting married, used this as a reason, but her DC are teenagers.

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 22:08:16

How would having two people on the mortgage have REDUCED the amount you could borrow? Never heard of that.

I think you should be very careful. Have you got proof of how much you contributed for the deposit?

milf90 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:08:31

No it's not, another reason why I want to get married (we used my money for the deposit).

I know that sounds really dodgy, but I do trust him and if I was on the deeds we wouldn't have been able to get a mortgage for as much money (I was starting up my own business at the time) at one point he was going to put my mums name on the deeds so we could borrow more, but didn't need to in the end as the bank finally saw sense!

YuleBritannia Thu 03-Jan-13 20:55:53

OP, is your name on the house deeds?

Snazzynewyear Thu 03-Jan-13 20:52:15

If he's on the birth certificate he will have PR automatically so yes that info is out of date.

pingu I can see why booking it for the month before/after would put people's backs up, but surely the whole year isn't out of bounds? One spring wedding and another autumn/ winter one, for instance, doesn't seem off to me.

OP, think you need to pick a good time and place and have an honest talk with him. If you really think he's a good guy but he is acting strangely over the marriage thing then you need to get to the bottom of it, and you two need to be making the decisions, not anyone else.

milf90 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:45:38

*should get married first

milf90 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:44:48

he sounds like he's stalling to me, why when he has a house and child with you i dont know, just how it reads to me

yes me too. i think deep down this is what i am concerned about. i dont want to drip feed (and i realise i am doing it horrendously!), but i keep remembering and putting together other things that have happened!

when we had the discussion about getting married this august, i said to do it with whatever money we had, because he said he desperately wanted a sibling for LO and that a life was more important than a wedding (i said i wanted to get married before having another LO)

a few weeks ago i made a blase comment about being broody (looking at pictures of his friends baby) and he then went on to say he wasnt ready for a baby, wasnt sure if he wanted another baby and shouldnt we get married first bangs head against a brick wall

i dont get it. we love each other, we trust each other, we are happy, life is pretty good - never been better.

i havent spoken to him about ti yet - he has been in a terrible mood since last night. i know its going to end up in an argument (conversations like this always do) so im very reluctant to have it. my mums having lo saturday night though, so im planning asking if he want to go out for a meal and talking to him about it.

Ellenjane - he is on LO's birth certifcate so it shouldnt make any difference. my reasons are mostly financial, but a little bit that im getting fed up of having a different name to LO (im fed up of having to explain and then watching people getting embarrassed!)

RillaBlythe Thu 03-Jan-13 19:31:01

ellenjane is out of date.

TheBOF Thu 03-Jan-13 19:23:50

Ellenjane, are you sure about that? There is automatic Parental Responsibility now for fathers on the birth certificate, and my understanding is that marriage automatically 'legitimises' previous children of the partnership anyway (which tbh is a concept that has been superceded by the new PR laws anyway).

pingu2209 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:14:47

The whole wedding thing and too close to family members is a tricky one. You may well piss a lot of people off if you book your wedding in the same year as your SIL. Of course, that is if you OH asks you!

My sister got engaged first and booked a date for her wedding of summer 1988 (no specific month). My brother got engaged about 6 months later and decided on a short lead in time and booked his wedding date for 1 month before my sisters.

There was hell to pay across the family. My sister, mother and father were livid.

They felt that it was to upstage my sister's wedding.

Tread carefully.

That said, more than 20 years later - neither is still married to the people they married back in 1988!!!!!

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Thu 03-Jan-13 18:36:22

Sorry, just skimmed the thread, but just wondered about why you want to be married before you have another DC? It would mean that legally, their statuses would be different and your DP would have more rights over the child born within the marriage, and IIRC, the child would have more inheritance rights.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Thu 03-Jan-13 18:30:58

Have you talked to him OP?

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 03-Jan-13 09:10:52

Marry when YOU want to marry and on your terms! That is all!

he sounds like he's stalling to me, why when he has a house and child with you i dont know, just how it reads to me

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