To think that my friend is being a bit rude?

(134 Posts)
awaiting2013 Mon 31-Dec-12 10:24:02

A few weeks ago I invited my friend over for NYE. We both have young children and not much cash so I asked her if she wanted to come over, bring the kids (let them sleep if she wishes) and spend NYE or part of it with us. Bring a bottle, let's have a drink and I'll knock up some food. She told me that since she had no plans, sounded like a good one. A few days ago I sent her an email asking if she was still coming over etc. and she said yes.

Imagine my surprise yesterday when I saw on her FB page that she was asking around as to who was available on NYE and if anyone wanted to go out for a meal and drinks on the town with her and her DH?

So I'm sitting here on NYE, just me and DH and the kids. Not too bothered as TBH not fussed about NYE. We need to save hard. However I am feeling a bit angry because my no. 1 NY resolution is not to be so fucking nice (sorry!) to people who are crap to me and my family and to not let people get away with crap behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that my friend has not even bothered to say she is not coming over because she has hedged her bets and got a better offer?

noblegiraffe Mon 31-Dec-12 10:41:11

Why on earth would you wait until tomorrow to ask? It's a perfectly reasonable question.

I would text/post on her FB page today. If you leave it until tomorrow she'll try to wriggle out of it by saying she'd forgotten the arrangement and may try to shift the blame onto you by saying, "Well, if you saw the FB post, why on earth didnt you remind me? You obviously didnt want me to come..."

Message her now!

pictish Mon 31-Dec-12 10:44:42

Oh dear. She is a thoughtless prat.
Of course it's rude and inconsiderate. I'd be annoyed and a bit crushed at this tbh, and I'm not a needy person or sensitive. I would feel aggravated at the lack of respect for me.
Being ditched for a better offer is hurtful for anyone.

In my younger days I would've sucked it up and festered, but at 37 now words would be had. Calm, polite, unmistakable words.

MonaLotte Mon 31-Dec-12 10:45:15

fuzzpig I see your wankbadger and raise you an asshat!

OP I would text her and say sorry can't do new year as have made other plans in case she is relying on you being plan b if she can't find anything better to do!

awaiting2013 Mon 31-Dec-12 10:45:40

Actually I am condensing what we discussed. What we agreed was that they come over, brought some booze, either brought the children with them or left them with in-laws. If they brought them they could stay until late or go before midnight if the children got really restless/ couldn't sleep etc. That was just a back up as her DM/MIL will babysit at the drop of a hat. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want me to babysit and pretty sure she has hedged her bets and got another offer. I am not actually going to call her tonight in case she suddenly changes her plans to fit me into the evening somehow (drink on the way out etc.) but will pull her up on it when I see the postmortem of the evening on FB.

You girls are way more assertive than me. Even as I type I am sitting here thinking, ooooooh but I don't want to upset anyone blush

MagicHouse Mon 31-Dec-12 10:47:27

Don't post a bitchy comment! It will only make you look bad. But you could post a comment saying something like"....err...... I thought you'd agreed to come over for food and wine???????"

MonaLotte Mon 31-Dec-12 10:48:42

If you keep acting like it's ok to treat you like this people will keep taking the piss. It's not nasty to stand up for yourself. You can do it!

Surely FBing someone before the fact doesn't require any more assertiveness than calling/FBing them after the fact? confused

She's your friend and you know the situation better than anyone here but your proposed course of action doesn't sound good to me. You are less likely to be calm and reasonably after being shat on.

noblegiraffe Mon 31-Dec-12 10:50:02

You don't want to upset anyone by mentioning that someone had arranged to come to yours this evening?? Why would that upset anyone?

No wonder your resolution is to not be so nice. Perhaps you should amend it to not be so wet!

HecatePropolos Mon 31-Dec-12 10:50:14

Unless she will come to yours, bring the kids, have a drink, get them settled and then leave, saying oh, they're settled now, you don't mind if me and X pop out for a bit, do you...

you really need to say to her that that is not going to happen.

If you can't contact her now to ask her about her plans, because you don't want to upset anyone - do you really think that if she comes over and gets the kids settled, you're going to say no, wake them up and take them home. Do you?

No. You'll smile, say ok and then come back on here and fume! grin

So don't do that.

Contact her now. Say that you've noticed she's asking about NYE, so you assume she's not coming over to yours. cos of course it won't be possible for her to leave the kids with you and go out later.

yohohoho Mon 31-Dec-12 10:50:14

Just contact her and asked if she is still coming

is she really that dumb she would post on Facebook, where you can see her, looking for better offers.

if my friends did this I would genuinely think we had cross wires. I am not friends with anyone that bitchiness would be my first thought.

ifancyashandy Mon 31-Dec-12 10:52:38

FFS, call her!! You can't complain about being treated badly if you allow people to act in such a way without pulling them up on it!

'Hi, potentially shit friend, you ok? Bit confused as saw on FB that you're off out on the town tonight? Thought you & kids were coming here? No biggie if plans have changed - although a call would have been nice - but just need to know so can adjust plans this end...'

BlatherskitedaboutChristmas Mon 31-Dec-12 10:53:38

What happened to wanting to be less of a softie??

Do not wait until tomorrow. Ring her now and ask her what's going on and if she tries to "fit you in", just say "Actually, we've decided we'd rather not have you over after all". Let her know her bridges have been burned.

Most of all remember - she is only treating you the way you are allowing yourself to be treated. Toughen up.

LettyAshton Mon 31-Dec-12 10:54:24

I can't believe people are so brazen - all encouraged by FB.

A friend had a evening do a couple of days ago. He had bought all the food and arranged games etc. It was amazing how so many guests were struck down with the Norovirus that very day. Even more amazing was how at the last minute they had managed to leave their respective toilet bowls to enjoy various activities and then have the energy to post all about it on Face Book. Friend was quite upset and now has a few ex-friends.

pictish Mon 31-Dec-12 10:56:58

I would PM her on FB.

I take it our plans are off then? I wish you a good night, but I think it would have been polite to let me know that you wouldn't be coming round later. Quite rude not to really.
Cheers for that.

JenaiMorris Mon 31-Dec-12 10:58:33

You invited her to spend NYE or part of it with you.

I don't think she's being particularly rude. I think you are being a bit needy and oversensitive, sorry.

manicbmc Mon 31-Dec-12 10:59:05

Do you think that if she can't find anyone to go out with, she'll still turn up at yours?

I'd be messaging her to make sure. Like Pictish said ^ but just wish her a nice night and then say you and your dh have now made other plans so she doesn't use you as a fallback arrangement.

But do it today.

pictish Mon 31-Dec-12 11:00:33

Yeah...do explain what her spending 'part of it' with you means?
Were you agreeable to her coming round for a couple of hours and then going on elsewhere?

That bit is quite important.

I'm going on the idea that she was supposed to spend Hogmany with you.

QuickLookBusy Mon 31-Dec-12 11:02:38

For goodness sake, don't be so daft. You can't sit there all day wondering if she's coming or not! If she doesn't get a better offer she might still turn up.

Take control of your night.

Text what Ifancyashandy posted. It's polite, to the point and means you are in control. Do it now!!! You really aren't being rude you're just asking a perfectly reasonable question.

Shelby2010 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:08:03

If you want to avoid confronting her why don't you act as though you hadn't seen Facebook & text her? Surely it would be completely normal to text & ask her what time she was coming round at? Then it acts as a reminder if she didn't think you had made a definite plan together, and at least you know what's going on. Waiting til tomorrow & then acting disappointed is a bit passive-aggressive & childish IMO.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 31-Dec-12 11:09:00

Don't contact her via FB because there's a risk she might not see it or will ignore it. Give her a call, be nice and friendly - just say you saw on FB that she was arranging a night out tonight and had she forgotten about your arrangement to come over for drinks and wine? It might be a genuine oversight, so find out before you start posting comments on FB because you don't want to be the one looking daft or rude if she genuinely forgot. Do it today because the last thing you want is to spend NYE wondering if they're coming over or not, as you won't know whether to do food etc for them.

Like the others said though, do not end up babysitting. You might not be going out but you are not her babysitter.

QuickLookBusy Mon 31-Dec-12 11:12:09

I agree do not do Facebook. I also think texting is better if you don't feel confident about speaking to her.

Just text her and get it over with. Ask dh to hold your hand while you do it, or we will!! You've got to do it, you can't let someone treat you like this!

Spatsky Mon 31-Dec-12 11:13:45

I don't understand why a quick call or text asking is she no longer coming is not a optiion to op?? It seems the most blatantly obvious course of action.

Also, as an aside, leaving her to get on with it then posting a bitchypa comment on facebook after doesn't make you sound "too nice" at all, it makes you seem a bit snide.

Fakebook Mon 31-Dec-12 11:14:00

Just leave a comment on her status saying "hope you and the kids have a lovely time".

This makes me think about how close a friend she really is to you? Are you very very close or just acquaintances? Maybe she doesn't like it how you assume she's poor?

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