To make dh choose-me or his mother?

(238 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:08

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:14

Thinking of you. Hope you are getting some sleep.

ariane5 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:12:15

Thankyou. Dd2 still in hospital so things are atill up in the air.its very difficult. Just taking it a day at a time.

morning - just a nod to say i'm still thinking of you. hope you're managing x

peaceandlovebunny Wed 02-Jan-13 02:15:25

thinking of you and your children. keep going, ariane5. you are someone very strong and very special.

ariane5 Tue 01-Jan-13 23:35:20

Dd is still in hospital and will be staying for a few days untill they have sorted out insulin doses/taught us how to inject etc.

Dh is staying with her again tonight. We are managing to 'get on' in front of dd to keep things nice and calm for her.I don't know what else to do I just want to get dd to be well again.

biff23 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:04:27

So sorry about your poor dd. At least they can get her monitored and on the mend. Remember to stick to your guns though, don't be worn down whilst you are so emotionally vulnerable.

Let us know how your dd is doing.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 01-Jan-13 15:11:32

Hi Ariane, just sending you best wishes. A horrible, exhausting time for you but I think you know that things cannot continue then way they were.

This new diagnosis is so difficult but it might help to make it more and more clear that your kids need you to fight for them.

Thinking of you.

Enfyshedd Tue 01-Jan-13 13:29:02

Ariane5 - Just read this thread & couldn't just leave without sending my best wishes that you will get through this. I think you are a strong enough woman to be raising 4 children, never mind 4 children with illnesses & your DD just being diagnosed with diabeties.

I think getting hold of your local branch of Women's Aid would be useful - they should be able to provide you with advice & support. They might also be able to point you in the direction of other agencies that will be able to help you in the coming months.

I hope you have friends in RL who you're able to rely on at this time for practical help as well as the moral support everyone's offering here.

Good luck for your and your children's future thanks

aamia Tue 01-Jan-13 11:43:53

You will find that this is manageable and that your dd becomes so much healthier than she has been. I know a little girl who was diagnosed at eleven. it will be fine .

PiratePetesPotty Tue 01-Jan-13 08:55:18

OP I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. You will get through it though, you have suffered through a hell of a lot at the hands of your DH and his family. You are completely in the right, do not let him tell you otherwise. He sounds vile. From what you have posted it sounds like he got with you in the first place to get 8 grand out of you. His family are NOT taking advantage of him, he is on their side. They (him included) are taking advantage of you. If he loved you he would never have asked you to get that loan out in the first place. He KNEW his mother wouldn't pay you back. Reading your posts has been utterly shocking, it is not a normal way to live. You must be under a huge amount of stress, it will be so much easier once you are free of this horrible family.

if you pray/meditate/relax/commune with nature/whatever your energy source is then now is the time to tap into it x

i know it sounds mad but in a way this is good news - she had it anyway and it was making her ill and maybe causing all sorts of problems but now you know and can treat it and maybe she will feel better overall for being on top of it?

you have so much on your plate. glad dh is staying with her. dont' see that as giving in or letting him back in - he's just being her dad and you have to look after the rest of them.

deep breaths - this is really gonna be the worst bit. it always sounds cliche but it time and time again it is my experience that just when all seems pitched black and everything is lost is when the light comes in. don't know if you have a faith or anything but it's there in all the religions, pre bible religions, philosophies and everything down to tarot cards that everything crumbles to pieces for a new start to be born. it's there for a reason - they didn't all just like the same story and include it - they all observed it in life over and over. please hang on to hope, go with it, trust it and give it time. things will turn around and you can cope.

Pooka Tue 01-Jan-13 01:02:07

Oh poor you, and poor dd - so overwhelming for you at the moment.

No advice really, just sympathy and best wishes for a happier 2013. This time next year, things WILL be better.

Jcbmgb Tue 01-Jan-13 00:57:02

Hi Ariane, I'm really sorry to hear the news about your dd, it must be a huge shock for you all and no doubt your dd must have been very poorly prior to her being admitted.
My dh has type 1 diabetes ( diagnosed quite late when he was admitted with ketoacidosis in his mid 30's)
As scary as it seems now, you and your dd will find your way through this and learn to manage the condition.
I know you must be feeling as though life is very unfair and that perhaps you can not cope but you have already proved that you are a survivor and you are able to cope with many many different challenges and still come out the other side.
You have already coped with an unhappy marriage, debt, 4 children, children with disabilities and ill health and you will find the strength to confront this new challenge too.
You need to surround yourself with people who can love and support you and for the time being close yourself off to any people who 'take' from you or drain you - concentrate on each challenge as it comes your way, deal with one thing at a time and as it occurs, you are too exhausted and fragile to try to attempt to make too many huge changes so just focus on the small ones, one at a time to make the situation more manageable.
HTH

drjohnsonscat Tue 01-Jan-13 00:45:26

Oh so sorry. What a horrible time for you and DCs. Have no constructive advice but just posting for moral support. You are doing the right thing and things will get easier because you are obviously strong and doing all the right things although the universe is throwing all it's got at you right now. Love and strength to you and DCs.

ariane5 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:37:00

Dd2 is in hospital.she has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetessad

Dh is staying in with her as I couldn't stay with ds2 (he's still bf).
Has been an awful day she was so poorly and on top of all the other health problems dcs have this is just awful.
I am so unhappy.

ICBINEG Mon 31-Dec-12 22:41:41

happy new year and good luck with all this!

ellee Mon 31-Dec-12 22:26:05

Thank god you've kicked the bastard out.

Thank

GOD

(And I don't say that lightly)

redexpat Mon 31-Dec-12 20:19:54

Happy New Year Ariane. I really hope things develop in the right direction. Kep us posted.

Jux Mon 31-Dec-12 18:16:35

Well done, ariane. Take one step at a time. You do have a lot on your plate, but this is the worst time and will be over. Just remember that "this too shall pass" mantra!

Happy new year to you.

DPotter Mon 31-Dec-12 16:40:14

ariane5 - very best wishes for you and your children for 2013 ! Stay strong

blackeyedsusan Mon 31-Dec-12 16:18:52

keep going. you will do it, a bit at a time.

MamaMumra Mon 31-Dec-12 16:14:35

Well done ariane5 - hope your dd is better soon.

ariane5 Mon 31-Dec-12 15:53:43

Thankyou-off to gp again now as she has to have a blood test. So busy and overwhelmed.still no contact from dh which surprises me.

just keep chipping away at it. fingers crossed for dd getting better quickly.

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