To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

(498 Posts)
creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:35

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don’t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:44:32

I'm really amazed at the amount of people that truly believe that women should not take ownership of their decisions.

tabulahrasa Fri 28-Dec-12 14:45:00

They're both adults who chose to have sex knowing full well that no contraception works 100% of the time.

She gets another choice after conception because it is her body, but they both had the same original choices, to have sex or not. He chose then.

quoteunquote Fri 28-Dec-12 14:45:07

If it was the other way round and men were forcing pregnancy or abortions on women it would not be acceptable would it? So why should women be able to 'force' a decision on men?

OP, You do know the reason we have sex? (the bit where a male puts his penis in a female's vagina, and ejaculates),

We have the act of sex primarily for reproduction, yes it's fun, but that's just good packaging in order to encourage us to mate.

so the point that you opted in or out of the reproduction side of sex, is at the time it is happing, either you use contraception at that point or you don't,

Unless you can't read, have never spoken to another person everyone knows contraception is not 100% safe, so if you know this and still have sex, then you can't complain when sperm reaches an egg, that is the first fact of life.

This man must have no friends or family, or someone would of sat him down and told him how foolish he is being.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 14:45:48

"Because it's her body, and it's women who bear most of the brunt of pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing. As is clear in this case."

And if they want to bear that, they can make that choice. Doesn't mean they should be able to force it onto someone else.

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:46:26

I wouldn't say she was manipulative - the OP thinks she knows what their relationship was like when they were together, but I don't see how. You don't know what he said to her - perhaps he was manipulative to get what he wanted out of it? He may have pretended to love her.

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 14:46:32

Why is this even your problem, OP? What if we all said, yes, you're right, she's stupid - what would you do with that?

Fwiw in response to your question about why a woman decides whether or not to keep a baby, that's because it's inside her body and anything she chooses, abortion or pregnancy, is ultimately going to affect her far more than the bloke.

I think that's how it ought to be.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 14:46:42

"I'm really amazed at the amount of people that truly believe that women should not take ownership of their decisions"

That's the crux of the feminist movement, all of the rights, none of the responsibilities.

lunar1 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:47:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

YANBU at all and I can't understand the majority here who think you are. You said the relationship wasn't serious. You said the ex made no bones about not wanting to be involved and has stuck to that. I think your friend was naive as hell to think he'd come running back.

You're obviously not casting her off or rubbing her dubious choices in her face so I don't see the problem.

D0oinMeCleanin Fri 28-Dec-12 14:47:51

I thought it was common knowledge that contraception can and does fail?

Men should be taught this in schools. It seems to come as such a shock to them, poor wee things.

If you have sex you have to accept that this might result in unwanted pregnancy. If you are not ready to deal with the consequences of that then you need to not be having sex.

Your friend deserves better than you and this tosser. You can't just abandon your own child because it is inconvenient. What does he intend to do about financial support?

perceptionInaPearTree Fri 28-Dec-12 14:50:08

I think you're missing the point somewhat okaynow. The woman also has to be the one to go through a termination - the physical effects, the emotional effects. The man gets to walk away from the whole thing whatever the woman decides.

FrancesBabyHouseman Fri 28-Dec-12 14:51:10

okaynowitstheseason
"I'm really amazed at the amount of people that truly believe that women should not take ownership of their decisions"

"That's the crux of the feminist movement, all of the rights, none of the responsibilities."

WTAF? shock

So now he probably tricked her into having sex, by manipulating her feelings?

From the ops first post, I think it was pretty clear where he stood from the start.

I imagine there would be uproar if we insinuated that she had lied about taking contraception, purposefully sabotaged a condom and planned to have an "accidental pregnancy" so why are we fabricating stories about the man in the picture???

RooneyMara Fri 28-Dec-12 14:51:40

Elphaba, yes but imo that's not the entire point iyswim. I agree the friend has been a bit naive and unrealistic with her expectations. But my issue is, what is the OP going to do about it and why is she having a go about it on here?

That's why she's coming across as not very nice. She's being totally judgmental, and even if she is right, it's not an attitude I'd want in a friend I was confiding in.

mumagain33 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:52:21

YANBU. completly agree with oknowitstheseason. The her body her choice brigade are certainly up in force on here! They BOTH made a fuck up, he choose not to be apart of it SHE took the resposiblity to carry on regardless. Why should the bloke get the blame all the time? Why should he be forced to look after a child he dosnt want just because she thought they would all set up home together as i bet she did! Sick of girls pulling this stunt! Some one tried it on my brother putting stuff on facebook about him not caring and sending scan pics and it turns out DNA says it wasnt even his!! Your friend needs a reality check big time, tell her u will be there to support her with the baby night and day but she has to face facts, she chose to walk down this path 'alone' so she needs to get her head around it sharpish! Silly girl!

twentythirteen Fri 28-Dec-12 14:53:15

This child wasn't forced on him. He had sex, a known cause of children.

She's going through something tricky. Perhaps she had hoped beyond hope that it would all work out, but that's not a crime. I hope she has support around her.

CailinDana Fri 28-Dec-12 14:53:32

I'm not sure exactly what the problem is OP - are you saying you're against her feeling afraid and lonely? That she has to shut up to suit you?

creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:53:47

No contraception is 100% safe, yep that is why we ave access to abortion.

She is not morally against abortions, but decided not to have one because of her age. I don't have a problem with that decision at all. I am happy with her about the pregnancy. But this decision was made in the full knowledge that her Ex wanted nothing to do with it. Again her choice, and I'm happy to support her.

But she needs to stop blaming him for the decisions she made.

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 14:53:59

Women have a right to go ahead with a pregnancy against a man's preference. Men can't have a say over abortion, it is definitely a women's right to choose. But if they do so, they should not respect the man's right not to be involved.

Are you serious?

So to steal a phrase from JK, a man gets to have sex, not put anything on the end of it and if a pregnancy results, take no responsibility?

Maybe you should wander over to the thread where the mum is worried her son has stopped using condoms because his GF is on the pill and tell her it is fine, if she gets pregnant it is not his problem. hmm

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 14:54:01

bin I think we mean that just as she has come to realise that ther is going to be a baby they BOTH created, so he hopefully would come to realise. No starry eyed, happy ever after, just a" I did the deed, I have to deal with the consequences" kind of change of thinking.
creamteas you still don't get it. The only 100% safe method of contraception is no sex. We all know this, so everytime anyone has sex, they accept this risk. Both are equally responsible for the life created, regardless of the abortion issue.

FrancesBabyHouseman Fri 28-Dec-12 14:54:50

mumagain33 Because he decided to stick his dick inside her fadge an ejaculate his sperm inside her that's why! hmm With sex should also come the emotional maturity to deal with the possible consequences in an adult fashion.

ImperialSantaKnickers Fri 28-Dec-12 14:55:50

OP if you had asked for help in supporting a friend who had been living in cloud cuckoo land for the last few months and is now landing with a big hard thump I think you'd have avoided the flames.

Too many of us still think Mills and Boon romances are true, sounds like she was one of them...

All you can do is avoid the subject when she starts on it and help her focus on the future, not wallow in the past and angst about the might-have-beens.

okaynowitstheseason Fri 28-Dec-12 14:56:48

Do we ban abortion for cases of consensual sex where there's no health risk, on the basis that the woman "chose" to have sex and risk a pregnancy so should lose all further decision making powers like the man does?

But she is taking ownership of her choice -- she's having the baby.

It's not like she's at 36 weeks and suddenly saying, oh no, I don't want it anymore. She is going through with it.

Her ex has decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her and that's fine, I don't think anyone is saying he should have to be.

But legally and morally, he does not have the choice to not be a father -- he is one. He chose to have sex knowing that contraception is not 100% reliable and his partner might get pregnant and choose to have it. Now he needs to take ownership of his decision.

mumagain33 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:57:05

Also i would like to add.. if this contraceptive mishap had happened why wasnt there a trip to chemist next day for a morning after pill??? sounds like she wanted the pregnancy... its not fair to trap!

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