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To be unsympathetic with pregnant friend

(498 Posts)
creamteas Fri 28-Dec-12 14:13:35

Two people I know were in an on-off relationship which neither took very seriously. Last year, due to contraception failure, she became pregnant. From the beginning, he made it clear he was not interested in being a father and offered her money and support through an abortion. She decided she wanted the baby, and at which point he stated that he wanted nothing to do which the future child and ended all contact with her. This was at about 6 weeks in and she is now 36 weeks pregnant.

Throughout the pregnancy she has sent him constant updates and invitations to scans etc all of which have gone unanswered. She was still assuming he would change his mind, when this week she heard the news that he is moving abroad just after New Year.

She is now apparently devastated and wondering how she will cope. Yet it was her decision to continue with the pregnancy and she did so knowing that he had no intention of being involved.

I am trying to be sympathetic but given that he made his feelings very clear from the beginning, I really don’t think she has anything to complain about. She made the decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that he was not going to be involved. AIBU.

mumagain38 Sun 30-Dec-12 19:37:27

Agreed peaceandlovebunny!

Writehand Sun 30-Dec-12 19:41:35

I don't think YABU for feeling exasperated, she's been pretty silly, but I think unless you can be loving & supportive to her as a single mum she'd be better off without you. Sometimes as friends we just have to bit our tongues. If she's constantly wanting you to agree that he's going to change his mind that's hard, when you've felt she was being so unrealistic. Perhaps you can gently show her that she can do it alone, and both she and her baby can be happy without him.

I can't think of anything more this bloke could've done to show he didn't want to be involved. He's financially responsible (if he ever returns) but there's nothing anyone can do to make him emotionally involved, and frankly I don't think it's reasonable to expect it.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 30-Dec-12 19:42:34

Bunchamunch, I am sure most people are fully aware of what sex could result in, even if protection is used. Don't just blame the man if a pregnancy is created though, as the woman is just as aware of the foreseeable consequences.

My ex once said to me that if I fell pregnant I would have to consider having an abortion. I was like, "yeah okay." All I said to him was don't come knocking on the door in ten years time wanting to make a go I it with your child. Basically I would not have forced him to take responsibility for a child he didn't want.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 30-Dec-12 19:47:32

Ah, that old reliable 'morning after pill' argument too. 'Cos that's just as 100% fail-safe as any other form of contraception isn't it? Not intellectually challenged? The woman involved in the OP's scenario has absolutely taken responsibility for her choices. She is having a baby, on her own, and is having a wobble because of the somewhat drastic action of the child's father moving to another country to completely avoid having to even breath the same fucking air as their own child, a child he has contributed towards creating. Being upset that the father of her child has decided to fuck off abroad does not indicate any lack of responsibility on her part. Again, what is with all the bullshit on here about any woman not taking responsibility for her actions when she is fucking carrying that responsibility on her own, for 9 mths 'til the child is born and will then be solely responsible for everything that child needs thereafter?

Aye, right enough, clearly not intellectually challenged at all to miss that glaringly obvious fact. This woman is taking full responsibility. That much is pretty fucking clear to all but the intellectually challenged.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 30-Dec-12 19:49:47

Sowhat, where have I said it's all the man's fault? Nowhere. The woman here is equally responsible, and has taken full responsibility for the consequences of failed contraception.

mumagain38 Sun 30-Dec-12 19:53:53

Jesus ,hysterical much bunch lol? U talking from personal experience here?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 30-Dec-12 20:03:38

Nope, my DD's dad is very much a part of her life thanks smile. Hysterical? Is that the best response you can muster?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 30-Dec-12 20:08:13

You called men thick as fuck. That says it all.

There are responsible men and women out there. But if we're going to call men thick as fuck when it comes to not realising that sex = baby, then women should be equally called in the same manner.

The old, "oh it was in the moment thing and we didn't use anything." Shows that they knew the risks but didn't do anything to reduce that risk. And yes the woman is then left with the pregnancy, but you cannot just blame the man for causing that to happen, because she knew full well the risks. This has happened with our 2nd child. Momentary and very silly, we've created a baby, but we BOTH knew what we were doing. Granted its a bit different because we're together, but the point is he never wore a condom and I didn't take a morning after pill. Both at fault.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 30-Dec-12 20:34:22

Actually, I called men who don't get the whole sex = baby thing and take responsibility, thick as fuck - in response to those pouring out sympathy for those poor unsuspecting men who really, really don't want a baby yet happily take that chance every time they have sex. That is a pretty stupid way to conduct your life IMO, especially if they lack the maturity to actually take on board the responsibility for a possible pregnancy that inevitably wll happen for quite a few of them. So, yes, those men are as thick as fuck, and I make no apologies for saying so. The woman here has been slated for actually taking responsibility while being accused of being irresponsible - so many here saying she deserves what she gets, what did she expect, she chose this knowing he didn't want anything to do with a child while her friend is congratulated for having no sympathy for her situation. While the man has understanding and approval for just fucking off to another country so as to avoid any responsiblity whatsoever, 'cos he really, really didn't want to be a father and said so. That's just a fucked up way of looking at this situation IMO.

I have zero tolerance for anyone who thinks it's in any way a reasonable or justified option to walk away from a child they helped create. Nothing justifies that IMO, and it amazes me that so many seem to think it normal and will happily offer understanding or approval for anyone who does that. If that makes me hysterical then so be it. grin

anonacfr Sun 30-Dec-12 20:49:45

She might not even have realised the condom hadn't worked. By then it would have been too late for the morning after pill anyway.

Three of my closest friends had contraception failures that resulted in pregnancies.
One female friend was in a relationship, condom broke and MIP didn't work. They had the baby and got married.

Two of my male friends, both in not-really relationships, found themselves 'forced' into fatherhood right after leaving uni. One had actually broken it off with the girl (met in a foreign work placement, he'd moved back to the UK when she called him to let him know she was pregnant). They were both in their early 20s and weren't even considering the thought of babies and parenthood. Not only did they take responsibility, they ended up married and with more kids.

I can totally understand why the OP's friend was hoping her partner would change his mind when he saw scan pictures, updates etc. After all it is a baby we're talking about.

mumagain38 Sun 30-Dec-12 20:51:25

Lmao !

Afrodizzywonders Sun 30-Dec-12 21:00:47

I completely agree with 5madthings & bunchamunch, all I will add is thank fuck this is a totally hypothetical debate and men are deemed responsible for children they have fathered.....

End of grin

maraisfrance Mon 31-Dec-12 22:04:01

Haven't read whole thread, doubtless this been said previously: your friend, and HER child (say that quite deliberately) is better off without an unwilling, deadweight 'dad' in her life, not really interested in her, the child or family life. And I say that as someone who was married to such a dad for years! She's free to build a really nice life for herself and the baby, and be an attractive proposition, should her thoughts tend that way, for someone, further down the line, who really does want to make a family life with her and the baby. Good luck to both of them - and if you can get over being critical of how she's feeling right now, maybe you can help her focus on this much more exciting future ahead of her.

peaceandlovebunny Wed 02-Jan-13 02:42:58

a child he has contributed towards creating
i'm old, but there has never been a time in my lifetime where a woman could not avoid pregnancy by saying no/using contraception/ terminating a pregnancy. if all else fails, she could have the child and give it up for adoption.

would i have done that? no. i would probably have done as the friend in the o p and kept the baby. but i'd take the hint that the father did not want to know.

having sex with someone does not equal agreeing to bring up a child together. if that was the contract, we'd all have to get it in writing before opening our legs. there'd be far less sex. what a good idea.

if everyone (male AND female) accepted that sex - even with protection- could potentially result in a baby & had sex on the basis that they are willing to raise, look after & be financially responsible for any resultant child, the world would be a much better place.

op i think you're being a wee bit hard on your friend, she's having this guy's baby, her hormones will be all over the place & i think he's being a total cock-end about the situation. i get you're probably sick of hearing it but come on, your friend is stuck with this situation for the rest of her life- wee bit of empathy, no?

peaceandlovebunny Wed 02-Jan-13 03:56:04

if everyone (male AND female) accepted that sex - even with protection- could potentially result in a baby & had sex on the basis that they are willing to raise, look after & be financially responsible for any resultant child, the world would be a much better place.
yes, i'd agree with that.

midori1999 Wed 02-Jan-13 04:54:34

Well, the law thinks that arseholes men that behave like this do ave to take responsibility for their actions. Presumably why he is leaving the country.

It sounds, OP, like your 'friend' and her baby are better off without this man as well as better off without you as a 'friend'.

To not have sympathy for a woman you call a friend who is 36 weeks pregnant and scared, even if she has been deluding herself, is dreadful.

i've read more of the thread op * it seems like you really want your "friend" to have had aN Abortion- it just reads really weird to me.

seriously, what's your motivation? you are coming across as the new- jealous- bitch of - a- girlfriend, not as the pregnant-woman's friend- what's the issue? <genuinely asking, btw?>

in fact, please pm me your friends details,i'll be so much nicer & much more sympathetic to her predicament situation than you are apparently capable of being.

HilaryClinton Wed 02-Jan-13 07:55:24

I don't think this has been mentioned, but the CSA has reciprocal arrangements with many/most countries. Even though he has physically opted out , it will be possible to get the money you are owed from him.

mrsL1984 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:02:37

Cream tea- you seem quite hung up on her choice? What bout his abandoning a child that he did make? What's your opinion on that??? Sometimes you only get one chance at being a mummy and maybe this is hers? Yes he walked away yes she chose to have baby... SeeMs to me ure more bothered about the ex choices than ure friends

mrsL1984 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:24:49

How would this have worked out if she wanted abortion n he didn't????

5madthings Wed 02-Jan-13 09:51:58

If she had wanted an abortion and he didnt it would be her choice as biology dictates.

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