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DH spending our joint money on his DCs

(451 Posts)

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 16:55:14

We have taken the attitude that we spend the same amount on all of our children, whether they are children from our marriage or not.

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 16:56:41

I agree it is daft to buy iPads for one child and have the others starving. However I would not have a second child if I could not give all my children the same standard of living .

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 16:56:57

Even if we assume that all three children are part of the family, which I do but others may not, YANBU. If DH and I had three DC and my DH took two of them out for McDs and New Look and bought them iPads for Christmas while we had no money for nappies and formula for the baby, I would be livid, regardless of accounts, step-families and all that gubbins.

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 16:58:21

Enormasnob what if the step child lives with you, as our stepson lives with us about half of his time. Should I refuse to buy his food simply because we do not have a genetic link? If we are out shopping should I refuse to get him anything. Families cannot work like that.

DingDongKethryverilyonHigh Wed 12-Dec-12 16:59:17

how the hell does someone spend 25 quid in mcd?

cantspel Wed 12-Dec-12 17:01:43

The op says the balance in the account is lower than she expected not that he has spent all the money on his dd leaving nothing to buy nappies or food.

Please clarify op whether you now have no money for nappies or not just as much as you thought you had.

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Wed 12-Dec-12 17:02:06

freddos that would mean that only the OP has to pay for her daughter? confused she has no problem with her husband paying for his daughters..she is saying why is their joint money paying for them.

Right now they have their mother and father and possibly a stepfather paying for them. Shouldn't dad pay for his previous kids and their mother. And dad ALSO pay for his daughter with the OP?

OP has also alrady said she hasn't got money for essentials

MerylStrop Wed 12-Dec-12 17:02:28

THe i-pads are the problem.

The MacD's and leggings shouldn't be and wouldn't be, were it not for the i-pads. Plural. Can he take one back? Or get two decent tablets for the price of one i-pad?

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 17:04:39

I find it very strange the number of couples who have such separate finances. If you agree to marry a man who has an existing family you have to accept that guy are agreeing to support existing children to a lesser or greater extent.

LIZS Wed 12-Dec-12 17:08:46

I don't think you need to be awkward about it . Perhaps while you are on ml the contributions to the joint account need to be adjusted and if needs be increased overall so he can budget for a particular amount towards his dd's and you buy the family essentials. As a matter of interest if he had paid out of "his" account , would you have noticed or minded ?

Fairylea Wed 12-Dec-12 17:12:00

I would work backwards. You should both end up with the same amount of spending money regardless of individual income. Even if he earns more or you earn less you should have the same.spending money as you are both contributing equally to the family in different ways.

With Christmas, amounts should have been agreed between you for each child and money put into household account from incomings equally to accommodate this. Therefore leaving equally less spending money.

Lack of communication and equal money are at key fault here.

ENormaSnob Wed 12-Dec-12 17:15:01

Aris, my ds1 is not my husbands bio child and lives with us full time.

Financial responsibility falls to me and his bio dad. I would not expect his fathers partner and their dd be left in the position the op has.

Dh and I share household bills and ds1 bio dad pays maintenance.

If I took money out of the joint account to treat ds1, thus leaving our dd and ds2 without essentials, I would expect dh to be furious. Rightly so.

Ds1 doesn't get more or preferential treatment just because he's a step child.

midori1999 Wed 12-Dec-12 17:18:05

Surely the problem here is not that your DH spent money from your joint account on his DC, but that he bought iPads you couldn't afford for his DC for Christmas?

This is why DH and I have joint money. Any out of the ordinary/larger purchases, including presents either for our DC, my DC or My DSC are discussed first. Hence, neither of us make large purchases we can't afford or haven't agreed.

If you really haven't got money for milk or nappies (and I suspect maybe you have, but in your own account?) then perhaps your DH can take one of the iPads back and his DC can share one between them for Christmas, or he can return them and buy a smaller gift each?

DorisIsWaiting Wed 12-Dec-12 17:23:12

Was going to post the same as midori- it's not where the money's come from that the problem iot's his priorities.

ipads and meals aout at MacD's are fine if you can afford them, but atm with you on mat lewave HE can't!

He needs to understand that prioritising ipads over nappies and milk is appalling behaviour, You also need to thibk somemore about discussion prior to buying large value items. DH and i discuss any high value purchases before any spending happens including which account it's coming out of (mostly joint acc's btw).

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 12-Dec-12 17:23:50

"your dp should be able to spend what he chooses on his dc"

????

Like the rest of the population, he should only be choosing to spend what he can afford.

Not stealing money from the household expenses account to buy leggings and junk food while his baby goes short of milk.

Jesus, the "freedom" some women think men are owed is astonishing.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 12-Dec-12 17:26:14

Is the baby really going to go without nappies and milk just because her older siblings went to Mc Donald's? I doubt it.

And where did the mony for the iPads come from? Was it out of the joint account, or was it out of the Fathers account? Did he buy the iPads in exactly the same way the OP said she would buy an unnecessary party dress?

EmmelineGoulden Wed 12-Dec-12 17:26:21

It sounds like, regardless of how many accounts you have, that your DH is spending more on your DSDs than you can afford as a family. If buying DSDs presents is leaving you short of money for food and nappies then he is being really irresponsible. And if he's buying ipads for some of his children while you have been uanable to spend a few pounds a week taking another to an activity you wanted to, that is something you really need to talk about.

But it also sounds like you think of the DSDs as being his expense and your DD as being a joint expense, and possibly even more your responsibility than his. If this is the case I think you need to revaluate. That's not a constructive way to think of your step-children.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 12-Dec-12 17:27:18

"However I would not have a second child if I could not give all my children the same standard of living ."

grin

Easy sums not your strong point obviously.

How the hell do you spend 25 quid in McDonald's?!

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Wed 12-Dec-12 17:34:21

he probably spent more on his DD's as they are older? Yours is her first Christmas, so like you say, she won't notice, but they will , I think YABU.

The DSDs are a financial expense of their FATHER and MOTHER, not the OP.

The joint account pays for the household bills and foods, and necessities, so she is contributing towards the DSDs while they are with the OP and their father anyway for daily costs.

It's not also then her responsibility to provide gifts and treats, that's why they have separate accounts. The father can use his account spread across ALL of his children, the OP uses hers for their joint children, and if she is able, or willing, is able to treat the DSDs too.

I don't get this expectation that the 2nd wife needs to financially provide for children by another mother at all.

I had SS growing up, and my parents kept their finances separate. FFS their mother (who I loved dearly) asked for money towards ponies one year. Fine for Dad to fork out for that if he was able, not fine for my mother to also have to contribute towards them.

nkf Wed 12-Dec-12 17:54:09

Personallly, if you are short of money for nappies, then there is a problem whatever the cash has been spent on. I'd talk about it as.a.money issue rather than a step one.

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 18:01:39

As soon as I married my husband we became a joint financial unit and therefore I bore some financial responsibility for DH.

When I met DH although he was on a good wage much of it went to his ex because she was not working. So indirectly I supported my future stepson by paying for most things when we met.

When we got married, again despite having two healthy incomes we had a small wedding because of our stepson .

Now we are married we have one pot of money once the bills are paid. I am pleased that my husband pays his ex well in excess of what he has to because it shows a level of respect .

In my past career I would get bonuses , I always split them between all of our children including our stepson as he was part of the family - a family I chose to take on.

DSS lives with is for half of his time? It does not even enter my head to not pay for things for him .

waltermittymistletoe Wed 12-Dec-12 18:02:36

This is not about step-children though, is it?

It's about OP's DH spending money they don't have on things the children don't need.

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 18:09:53

I agree there is also an issue about money , I said that below. Children do not need I pads ,

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