DH has gone off to work this morning in a strop. Last night at 11pm he announced he was going to the den to play computer games. My face fell and I said, please can you take (9 week old) DS with you as he will need a midnight feed before he settles for the night. DS has settled into a pattern of last feed at 11.30pm, next at 4.45 and then about 8. As it is, I have been doing the late night feed, the middle of the night feed, and the 7-8am feed while DH is getting dressed and going to work. He takes an overnight feeding shift during the weekend but I do the week nights. DH wouldn't and mostly doesn't wake up anyway. DS is formula fed, and I'd like DH to take a feed at ONE end of the night - I don't mind which - and I'll happily do the middle of the night feed and the other one.
DH thinks this is highly unreasonable because: I'm home with the baby "and can nap all day" and he feels he takes DS "off my hands to give me a break" as soon as he gets in from work (this is usually while I'm serving up dinner). Therefore the hour from 11.00-12.00 at night is his and his alone to play computer games and wind down from work. He is gone from the house for 10 hours a day, 07.20-17.20 usually. "Taking DS to give me a break" involves parking the pram beside the computer and playing games while he feeds/cuddles DS. He does all the changing when he is home too, always has since DS was EBF at the beginning. But he thinks I can't wait to have the baby off my hands and that i want to do as little as possible, after only going to the gym/baby group/NCT coffee mornings all week.
I think he is BU because he doesn't seem to understand that a couple of naps strung together is not the same as a full night's sleep. That even when we go to bed and get up at the same time, I am still operating on an hour's less sleep from feeding/burping/settling DS in the night, and I wake a couple of times to check on him anyway. That at 9 weeks postpartum, my body and my energy levels are still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, and DS was BF for the first 7 weeks which was horrendous due to a painful medical condition. I look fine and feel fine most of the time now but I cannot be pushed too hard or I get awful backache and start bleeding again (found this out the hard way). I believe I am still more tired than he is because i feel my body is still operating at about 70%. DH tells me that I'm a parent now and this is par for the course, and I just have to step up and manage. He somehow misses the glaring hypocrisy that he expects to keep his own private me-time schedule despite also being a parent now too. He went in on his paternity leave to his usual weekly football game and off to a stag do in the middle of it and he thinks I resent him for it because I reacted with surprise when he said he was going - I was just shocked that he expects his life to carry on exactly as before tbh.
Yes, if I was single I'd have to do it all on my own, and I'd cope. Millions of women do. But I'm not alone. And I'm really happy being sole carer for DS for 50 hours a week. He's an easy baby to be honest, so it is easier for me to get to baby groups and i can take him with me for half an hour at the gym. But he is still a small infant, needing the same level of care and attention all infants need, and it is a huge responsibility. When I am solely responsible for DS I am on alert all the time.
So in our particular circumstances I think it's not unreasonable to go to bed an hour or so earlier and have DH look after him so I can rest soundly knowing DS is taken care of, OR I could move DS's and my bedtime earlier and DH can stay up and have his private time as long as he gets up earlier to do the morning feed/burp/settle and I can lie in a bit.
AIBU?
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AIBU?
AIBU or is DH?
21 replies
FlatFacedArmy · 10/12/2012 08:42
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