To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

(389 Posts)
HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:16:49

Get your biscuit and brew ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1) Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2) I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3) Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4) She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5) Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6) Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7) When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8) Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
.
9) Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10) I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11) ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12) Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13) MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14) Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15) Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

Googol Tue 12-Feb-13 16:18:02

Hope you're ok OP.

Bejeena Tue 12-Feb-13 15:01:37

Sorry she sounds like a total fruitcake!

Taking a 6 year old and 2 year old to all the way to Australia, away from their mother and then for just 2 weeks? What planet is she on? It'll take them 1 week to get used to the time change etc. She is not on this planet.

I agree you need legal advice.

springyhopes Tue 12-Feb-13 13:48:22

Doesn't look like it. Which is disappointing as I am/have been in a similar position and would like the thread to have continued.

Cuddlyrunner Sat 09-Feb-13 13:54:59

was there ever any more posts on this or other subjects by the OP?

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Jan-13 04:26:18

Oh wowzers. What a complete mentalist.

FairyJen Wed 02-Jan-13 22:40:31

Jesus wept what a weirdo!

Why the hmm?

I hope all is well with the OP.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 02-Jan-13 21:53:08

Where is the op???? [hmmm]

Reaa Tue 01-Jan-13 19:18:16

And I agree with anyone else who has mentioned a full background check.

If you can suspend contact until issues resolved/something else in place to safeguard your children.

Reaa Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:08

Omg that's really strange, sounds like she is trying to turn the children against you, do your children have to keep up contact with your ex when she is around? Contact solicitor asap and have something in writing to say the strange one needs to be away during contact as she is damaging their mental health!

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 01-Jan-13 18:41:37

Op?

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 31-Dec-12 20:56:26

Are you here op? Please update

NotAChocolateRaisin Mon 31-Dec-12 20:47:47

YES YES to whoever mentioned the children's passports. Make sure YOU and only you have these (erring on the side of caution).
I can see a "last minute" "holiday" abroad happening with this mentalist

NotAChocolateRaisin Mon 31-Dec-12 20:33:07

IMMEDIATELY start collating evidence on this. It is one thing to say it but you need to get some concrete evidence for solicitors etc. get screen prints of FB page, notes (on headed paper) from the doctors and school records. Anything like this crops is, find a way to document it. If this becomes a court case, you'll need all these things.

Make sure PIL, friends of the family etc understand the situation and support you on this.

Seek legal advice.

I'm so sorry you are suffering this, it sounds god awful.

The only immediate solution I can think of is to move out of her range but this obviously isn't appropriate for a thousand reasons

lunar1 Mon 31-Dec-12 18:33:19

Just wondering how you are getting on handsoff?

PolkadotCircus Sat 29-Dec-12 13:52:32

God you poor thing.

I had IVF,it does addle your brain but in no way to this extent.She must have had mh issues before. Infertility doesn't cause lunacy,it may make you low but sorry this kind of behaviour is beyond that.

Did she have issues pre fertility problems,it would be worth finding out?

Ditto to what everybody else has said particularly re the passports.

HopAndSkip Sat 29-Dec-12 13:28:26

I hope things are ok HandsOff

sparkina Fri 28-Dec-12 13:30:07

YANBU for calling her a headcase!!

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 13:24:03

Am appalled at those analysing individual things and saying they're okay -it's like with stalking, you have to look at the overall picture.

A few thoughts (will try avoid repeating existing good advice)
- Can you use that Sarah's Law thing to check whether she has a record of any kind?
- Is there any way you could change to supervised contact only eg at a ex PILs and enforce this through a solicitor?
- Insist any correspondence between you, ex and her is in writing.

If it was me I would seriously consider hiring a PI to look into her background.

mrslaughan Fri 28-Dec-12 12:33:14

I am sorry - but you need to get legal advice asap - focus on facts and the reasons why these have created grave concerns. Know what you want to achieve. e.g. that they don't have unsupervised time with her. Be prepared that you exDP will not be happy about that and unfortunately your PIL may fall in behind them. I would also be very careful of exSIL.....its quite startling how alliances change when. push comes to shove. You have to think, no more Mr nice guy, no more happy families, until acceptable boundaries have been established and are abided by. Your ex sounds spineless by the way - he is just following the route of less resistance.

Kungfoo's advice is very good.
She has a plan, and she is laying the groundwork. She wants full custody and the accusations of abuse are all part of it, you know she has said this to SIL - but who else has she said it too? - the DR's.......

You should also give your DR's and Dentists a bollocking - allowing someone without parental responsibility, unbelievable.

I also think she would be a flight risk, with or without you exDP, she wants your children, if she feels they are slipping away, she may do something really crazy. Who has the passports?

HoneyMurcott Fri 28-Dec-12 11:36:54

Total fucking nutter. Let us know how you get on.

MyKidsNotYours Fri 28-Dec-12 11:00:19

OP, I was in the same position as you some time ago. In our case, the stepmother did have a baby eventually, after a lot of IVF. The new baby has only made things worse. Now, both she and my exH are obsessed with "having the whole family together" (not including me of course). She constantly tells my DC that they would be better off living with her and their dad because (1) I work full time (which I have to do because when we divorced he pulled every trick in the book to say he couldn't pay spousal maintenance so I had to return to work after years as a SAHM); (2) she doesn't work so could look after them better (like your exH's wife, this one gave up work as soon as she met exH despite not actually having the baby till years later); (3) she and exH (so, exH then) would pay for the DC to go to "lovely private schools" if the DCs went to live with them (but if they stay with me they have to stay at state schools because I can't afford private and their dad will only pay for education if it suits him, e.g. if it means he "gets" the DCs); (4) they are not allowed to say their half-sibling is their "half-sibling", neither am I - we must all behave as if they are full siblings and because they are (they're not!), my DCs should be under the same roof as the new child to form a proper bond.

My exH and his wife chose to go and live 80 miles away from us. They could live nearer but choose not to. I am expected to ferry the DCs to theirs most weekends and when I suggest they would prefer more time at home with me (they would), their stepmother tells them their father will take me to court! FFS! I thought when she had her own baby she'd back off but it's just made it all a lot worse.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Tue 18-Dec-12 07:37:56

Been thinking how you are handsoff

Thumbwitch Mon 17-Dec-12 09:11:18

Another thought crossed my mind - could this behaviour actually be backed by your ex? What I mean is, do you think that perhaps he is behind the ideas, and she's just the face of his plans? So that he can blame her if it all goes wrong, iyswim.
Only you could have any idea whether or not he could be that devious - and even then you might think he couldn't and wouldn't but it could still be him at the root of it.

My point in mentioning it is that making any suggestion to him that his GF is OTT might not go down well. But as others have all said, you need to make it about what is right for the children and no one else.

Lia87 Sun 16-Dec-12 15:57:49

Agree with the general theme here, be very careful to stay calm too, as it sounds like you've done so far somehow!.
Remember however tempting it is to argue it will do you no favors, and it will give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you.

Is it worth suggesting one overnight after school during the week where school is made aware only dad can pick up, then every other weekend?
This is a very reasonable arrangement, and should limit fruitloops alone time with the children for the meantime, without risking you looking as if you're trying to stop them seeing ex p.

Then if anything escalates you can show you've tried a different schedule and this didn't work either.

best wishes

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