'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

(224 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 13:28:17

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.

Grrrrrrr

angry

IvanaHumpalot Tue 04-Dec-12 09:12:31

Agree with Yermina

LesleyPumpshaft Tue 04-Dec-12 08:20:10

YANBU! DS's dad was absolutely fine right up until I was about 6 months pregnant and we got on like a house on fire, having been very good friends for a couple of years prior to getting together. He then jacked in his job and started drinking all the time and started seeing someone else behind my back.

You can never predict or have any control over how other people react to major life events.

I'm allowed to ask why I had a child with him, although I didn't have the benefit of a crystal ball either. Other people aren't allowed to ask me though, or I might ask them why they are being such a dick.

Winetta Tue 04-Dec-12 07:01:40

Wow. Well said Rabbit and hugs to you OP

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Mon 03-Dec-12 23:04:56

It's a rhetorical question anyway. I mean, all it does is make you feel worse than you do already because you either have to answer it, or stop your cathartic release of swear words in it's tracks. (I may have to work on a witty comeback for this question for a nice third option)

Most women I know work so hard to see their children cared for, whether planned/unplanned/immaculately conceived/married/single/dating/one night thing, if the other person responsible for that child doesn't pull their weight and lets their child down in some way, of course you are going to have a good old moan.

I'm orf to bed. If I kill it again I can only apologise. Bogeyface did a good conclusion anyway. I can't say what I want to say without going right into my own personal stuff, and I really didn't mean to make it all about me and kill it dead.

lostconfusedwhatnext Mon 03-Dec-12 23:01:03

This is an upsetting thing to hear because in a roundabout way the person is wishing your lovely dcs out of existence.

I do not have dcs by a dickhead but we do have 2 dcs and not a lot of money, we are worried about where we are going to live and how we are going to afford everything as realistically we both have to work but realistically we can't really afford the childcare and all this is exacerbated by my health problems which lead to a deficit of day to day energy on top of all the other deficits. Sometimes people on here seem to suggest that these reasonable forseeable difficulties mean that I should not have had children. This makes me very sad. Really? only those in perfect health with huge salaries and /or free childcare can have children? So my gorgeous dcs should not exist, and instead of sniffing their perfect silky heads I should be drinking too much cheap winebox wine (affordable with no kids and no incentive not to) watching shit tv, while looking ahead to a lonely old age? Why? Who appointed you to say that should be my lot?

Bogeyface Mon 03-Dec-12 22:25:01

no you didnt Rabbit but I think I may do with my repeating of others wise words in a crap way grin

Bogeyface Mon 03-Dec-12 22:24:21

The man you marry and the man you share a marriage with can be 2 different people.

You can marry (or live with, go out with, shag....whatever) the perfect man. He is kind, funny, generous, loving, pulls his weight....blah blah.

Then you get pregnant.

Violence, adultery, financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, drug and drink abuse from the non pregnant partner are all far more likely to start during pregnancy than at any other time in a relationship. It is the watershed when men and women have to step up and grow up. Some cant or wont.

This is why women have babies with bad fathers/husbands, because until the baby came, they were good partners. Sadly many fail to deliver when being a grown up is required.

OP YANBU, it is a fucking stupid thing to ask and solves nothing.

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Mon 03-Dec-12 22:14:24

I killed the thread, I am sorry. sad

SirBoobAlot Sun 02-Dec-12 22:49:00

<hugs Rabbit>

Know where you are coming from. Much love to you - sounds like you've held up wonderfully.

flow4 Sun 02-Dec-12 22:35:45

> Cheers Rabbits <

flow4 Sun 02-Dec-12 22:33:52

That is a very nice observation catgirl. smile I think a lot of us find ourselves in pretty much this situation.

One of the tricky things to get your head round when you have had a baby with a twat (IME) is that if you love the child, you can't ever really regret meeting the twat. Even though he is a twat. hmm grin

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Sun 02-Dec-12 22:31:29

Yeah I was mostly on my own. He washed his hands of "it" when I was seven weeks pregnant. I had a toddler too, just under two at this point.

I'd gone out and gotten a job, but unfortunately it was only another few weeks before my mobility started to decline. Spent the majority of my pregnancy in a wheelchair. Several hospital visits for complications, rheumatology referral, turns out I've got an inflammatory joint disease, which is an auto immune disease that attacks my joints.

Things have been up and down. I'm not perfect. But I am also not afraid to admit that. I get things wrong. Loads. But I like to think I get at least as many things right too.

Mumsnet was a big turning point, when I read about DV and abuse, and the Stately Homes thread, about familial abuse. And there are people here who are in worse of situations than I am, who reach out and hold my hand when I need it. If they can do that, then I humbly like to think that maybe I could some day too help someone when they need it. So I won't be ashamed and people can judge. Hell, I might even agree with them, the person I was four years ago is not the person I am now. But don't get stuck in that. I'm moving forwards, onwards and upwards, not so I can look down on people you see, so that maybe when I get up there, I can give them a hand up too.

yes, great post rabbits

Lia87 Sun 02-Dec-12 22:29:41

Rabbit, you sound like you've coped amazingly with some hard choices and not as much support as a lot of mums have, i can't see how anybody could judge you for any of that!

AnneNonimous Sun 02-Dec-12 22:27:28

That was a brilliant post. Bit in love with you rabbits thanks

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Sun 02-Dec-12 22:25:25

Applauds rabbits, very moving post <sniffs> your dd is a lucky girl

catgirl1976geesealaying Sun 02-Dec-12 22:20:48

Doesn't sounds like you had a baby with a twat, rabbit

Sounds like you had a baby on your own

(and it /you/ her sound lovely)

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles Sun 02-Dec-12 22:14:45

I made a concious decision to keep my baby, not to conceive her.

That happened on a drunken night when I was seeking comfort in wine and someone's bed I guess. I used condoms, I was unlucky, I couldn't make the choice to abort, not when the reason I was so upset was losing two close family members so closely together, there was too much grief in my life already.

I figured that if I was big enough to go out and make a baby, then I was big enough to face up to the consequences and deal with it. Her dad didn't. Got away with doing nothing for two and a half years, then with no contact until recently. Now I take her and drop her at the door as it's the only way she gets to see him and her sisters, she loves her dad and his family, so I'll continue doing that if it's the only way. In private I think he's an immature tosser who has prioritised his own self over his child for a long time, but I'm still willing to encourage a relationship because he does love her and it took me a long time to grow up, so I'm not going to hold it against him unless he upsets my baby, so far so good, he is well warned.

And now in some ways believe my baby was meant to be, because she was the thing that really smacked some common sense into me. And I mean steam rollered. And holy cow when I woke up I'd dug myself into a deep deep hole, and I'm still looking up thinking HTF do I climb up there! But I've made what we do have full of love, happy moments and education.

And when I do climb out I'm not going to cover it over and hide that hole and be embarrassed, people can make mistakes and learn from them. If I can share my experience and show someone that great big whole I dug for myself, and help them to avoid that in any way, then I'm happy with that.

Nobody taught me what abuse was, nobody showed me how to have self esteem. I'm not making excuses, but when I look back at myself, I look back at someone who started off knowing nothing and having a very bad life experience to model my own self on, I thought a man would fix that for me. I learned that actually most of them will just take what you have, and some of them won't even ask nicely. Then I thought playing at grown ups would fix that for me, if I pretended it would become real, but I was still dysfunctional and I ended up on my own with my two babies before I saw life properly and realised only I can fix it for me. And first I have to make sure my children don't start off badly, to minimise the impact my mistakes will have on them, because starting off disadvantaged makes for a long learning curve with some unpleasant moments.

So if people want to judge me, do feel free. What they think isn't really going to impact on me any more than I already managed myself, just don't get all stuck up in the negative, because that's a poor way to live life, and our children model themselves on what they see. I'd rather teach them to see the good, to offer a hand out to people, to strive to achieve, to know that where we come from does not always define us, but how we choose to act does.

happybubblebrain Sun 02-Dec-12 22:04:32

I think my point was missed.
Keep your knickers on is good advice - until people stop blaming women for men being knobs.

MissCellania Sun 02-Dec-12 21:58:21

I doubt anyone here has a perfect life, and I don't think having children with a non-twat is much to be proud of, surely that should be the minimum to be looked for.

inadreamworld Sun 02-Dec-12 21:57:38

Anyone can make a mistake and no YANBU. Some people just pick the wrong guy, not because they are stupid but due to bad luck or him not showing true colours until later. I would feel sorry for someone who had chosen a knob as the father of their child and certainly not judge them.

Honestly can't believe that some here are advocating that you should keep yer knickers on unless you're sure that your partner will make a great husband and father.

People change, situations change and sometimes us less than perfect human beings make mistakes or bad choices.

Be careful those of you judging with your "perfect" lives. Pride comes before a fall' n all that.

Well, I've fucked a lot of twats in my time.
It was great fun!

DrCoconut Sun 02-Dec-12 21:46:25

The g on my laptop is dodgy, so "oin" is actually "going"!

DrCoconut Sun 02-Dec-12 21:43:27

My relationship with my abusive and twattish ex was very complicated, by the time I realised what was oin on and had the strength to leave I had DS1. Ex has never seen him since the split or paid CSA and I have left it all well alone. DS1 was the making of me. I picked up my crumbs and made a life for him, and sorted out my own life in the process. I now have a normal DH and DS2 as well. Life is boring and predictable, just the way I want after the continuous drama and stress with ex.

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