To not consider myself a 'young mum'?

(62 Posts)
AnneNonimous Fri 30-Nov-12 21:24:27

I am 21, my DS is 8 months old.

A friend of mine from school had her DD two weeks before mine. She is the same age as me. She is always running on about how tough it is being a young mum, and how people judge her etc. And how well she is doing considering. She goes clubbing a lot and on holidays without her DD who is left with her parents as she feels entitled to still be 'young'.

We are both in the same situation living at home and single parents. While I wholeheartedly agree that it's bloody hard as parenting is in general I don't class myself as a 'young mum'. I am young and I am a mum but in my opinion a young mum is a youngish teenager. I definitely don't qualify for any of the young mum courses in my area. At what age does it start being acceptable to just be a mum?

YABU! because if you're not a young mum, what hope have I got of being one at 29?! wink

BieneMaja Sat 01-Dec-12 06:40:10

For me you are a "young mum" but probablyore likely to consider you as as that because you live at home etc.

To many people that would mark you as "young".

However, it's doesn't have to be a bad thing. If you are ready for it then thats fine. Your friend clearly isn't!wink

RawShark Sat 01-Dec-12 06:20:59

IN NHS terms I was virtually geriatric at 33, so make the most of it grin

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 01-Dec-12 06:12:22

You are a young mum...my mum referred to me as a young mum the other day and i had to correct the old dear.....im 38!

Boomerwang Sat 01-Dec-12 06:03:55

I'd say you were a young mum, as I've had my first aged 32 and I certainly feel like an older mum. Looking back at my 21 year old self there's no way I could have dealt with having a child, though that's not to say that you are the same.

I'm actually jealous of younger mothers because they'll have so much more time with their kids, more in common and similar memories of the social eras they lived in.

FellatioNelson Sat 01-Dec-12 06:03:14

I think you are a young mum, but when people (especially HCPs and social workers, HVs etc,) say 'young mum' they usually mean teenagers.

You are an adult, albeit a young one, and 30 or 40 years ago it was not at all uncommon for most women to marry and become mothers at your age, but these days it is fairly unusual and I imagine most women having babies at 20 or 21 in the same position as you.

I think you are a young mum but that's not an insult.

I was a mum at 17. I fell pregnant by accident but from the moment I POAS I was a mum and I did everything I could for my baby. I felt ready. Myself and dd's father lived with my parents until I was 19. When we moved out, got married and had ds. So I had 2 dc at 19. I was happy with my life and family.

Looking back I was young there's no denying that. But it hasn't stopped me being the best mum I can be. Unfortunately my relationship with dcs father didn't last. I think that was mainly to do with us both being young, but it can and does happen AR any age. And we've been amicable. We are both now in stable relationships, me married and him engaged. And my children are well rounded and settled. (and very excited about the impending birth of their little brother/sister).

I don't feel much older this time round at 25 tbh, and I know I still get counted in the 'younger' bracket, even though now I feel much older than when I had dd. (although that's likely to be partly because I have an 8yo and 6yo!)

Try to take it all with a pinch of salt. Be the best you can be and let the 'labels' be just that. It's no skin off your nose.

(sorry for rambling, 38 wks and can't sleep, urgh)

Loveweekends10 Sat 01-Dec-12 04:36:37

It's all down to maturity isn't it and not age. But enjoy the label I say. It's far better that being called an old mum believe me.

squoosh Sat 01-Dec-12 02:58:46

21 is definitely young to be a mum.

Cezella Sat 01-Dec-12 02:13:47

I'm soooooo jealous, would love to be a young mum sad

(Realise how unhelpful this post is but really am green eyed)

MissMummy1 Sat 01-Dec-12 01:13:25

I am almost 21 and due my first anyday. I definitely don't consider myself a 'young mum' in the stereotypical sense! I have a degree, my own business, my own home/car/etc and I've been with my partner for 3 years, engaged for 1.

Everyone's different. I don't think 'age' as a number comes into it, more maturity that defines someone as 'young'. To me a young mum is one who is still quite childish themselves - clubbing and generally just selfish like the girl you described. A lot of my friends from school had kids at 16/7 and are better parents than many 30+ year old mums I know. That said, I know I personally wouldn't have coped well with a baby at that age.

ellargh Sat 01-Dec-12 01:05:56

I think you are a young mum but not in a judgmental way. I was 19 when I had DD1 and 22 when I had DD2. I'm 24 now and still feel young but I am much like you although I don't live at home and haven't since I fell pregnant. No holidays. Clubbing once every few months when DP fancies a night in alone and vice versa.

I am much more of a hermit than my friends my age with babies who go out every week and have babysitters on tap.

splashymcsplash Sat 01-Dec-12 01:01:53

I would definitely consider you a young mum, but thats not a bad thing!

I became a mum at 23 and considered myself young. Looked far younger too. People often thought I was the nanny when out with dc.

guccigirl666 Sat 01-Dec-12 01:01:06

I'm 23, ds is 4 and I had him the month before I was 19. I do consider myself a young mum, I live at home and am the only of my friends to have a child. We've all been through uni and the last thing on my friend's minds is having any dc for another 10 years!

I feel like I have to 'prove' myself to everyone - look at me I can be successful even though you all thought my life was over when I got pregnant. I find I don't really 'fit' in with the other 'young mums' either. I only really mix with 2 other people with children and wouldn't say we are friends it's more for the children's sake.

But I honestly wouldn't change a thing - apart from his father, if I could swap who I had ds with I would grin

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 01-Dec-12 00:15:34

I was 21 when I had my first, and I felt like a young Mum. I was the youngest by about 10 years in my ante natal class, and I felt like I was the youngest Mum around right up until my oldest was at Junior School. Then it seemed like there were a few more young Mums around, but now he is at secondary school I feel like I'm by far the youngest again!

It's not a problem now, but when I was still quite young I felt judged for it. Even though most people were lovely, I wasn't particularly confident so I think I felt worse than the reality iyswim.

DrCoconut Fri 30-Nov-12 23:52:06

I'm 35 and at the top end of the range at toddler groups here.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 30-Nov-12 23:29:11

I think at 21 you are a young mum,but not in a bad way at all,just as you say,you are young and you are a mum.. I'm 24 so don't think it's an incredbily young age to have a child. I hopefully will have a child by 25/26/27 and I would still consider myself at those ages to be young,or rather younger,than the "average" mum age because that's apparently 31/32.

Before the age of 20 people would refer to you as a "teen mum",frequently in a negative tone.

bedmonster Fri 30-Nov-12 23:19:50

Dude I'm in the same boat as you. 19 when had DC1, didn't feel young at all. Was 27 when DC3 came along and felt very old.
Now have a nephew who is 22, nieces 21 and 19 and think they would be very young parents. All are at Uni and living the student dream I guess, in my eyes I still see them as children!
OP, in answer to your question, I don't believe there's a universally acceptable age to just 'be a mum', it's a role I think you settle in to in your own time.
Enjoy it though, cos it sure goes fast!

fridgepants Fri 30-Nov-12 23:04:14

Where I grew up, it's quite normal to get pregnant in one's teens - many of my schoolfriends were engaged or had children by 19 or so. So there, 21 wouldn't seem particularly young. My sister had her first the day before she turned 20, and her last at 25. Where I live now, a bit of a naice area, that would be considered pretty young. It depends where you are, I think, and what order you decide to do things in.

My mum had me at 36 and was considered very much an 'old mum' at the time - she was offered a whole battalion for tests for birth defects (which she refused).

AnneNonimous Fri 30-Nov-12 22:30:56

My aunt had her first at 40. That was when she met her DP and settled down and she gets countless comments about it. I wonder what the cut off point is from young mum, to just a mum, to an old mum!

AnneNonimous Fri 30-Nov-12 22:28:21

I suppose it is the negative connotations that it carries, that in the case of a 'young mum' or 'old mum' young or old = incompetent. And yes my friends behaviour is only supporting that and it does piss me off.

whathasthecatdonenow Fri 30-Nov-12 22:23:44

When my mum had my eldest sister she was 19 and considered quite old to be having her first. When she had me she was 33 and told she was far too old to have another, even if it was number 5. People always have opinions. Mostly they don't matter.

therewearethen Fri 30-Nov-12 22:18:50

Oh and your friend sounds like she's using the 'young mum' thing as an excuse to go out on the piss and forget her responsibilities.

catcalledginger Fri 30-Nov-12 22:18:46

Yes, I would consider you to be young at 21. There is another thread on here somewhere about someone who has just found out she is pregnant at 45.

I wouldn't waste sleep over it. Who cares anyway?

ThisIsMummyPig Fri 30-Nov-12 22:17:24

I think it is all about attitude. One of the mums at school had her first at 18, but she is a grown up, still with her partner, and I don't think of her as young until I start talking about school, and realise how she remembers it so much better than me (but I am nearly twice her age!)

Your friend who goes out clubbing does sound young, and too immature to have a child (IMHO).

My SIL was 26 when she had her first child, and was told that she was an old mother by the hospital. Her DD is 28 now.

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