to be furious with my DM for screwing up my perfect future?

(170 Posts)
ICBINEG Wed 28-Nov-12 12:15:18

It was all very simple....she and my DF were going to move to the seaside and live in a beach hut...the grandchildren would go visit and learn to build sandcastles....

Instead my DM is dying and has been given a low chance of making it through another year.

How can my DM possibly teach my DD to knit/sew/cook and a million other things she was supposed to do if she doesn't make it to my DD second birthday?

How can she have screwed up the very simple task of staying alive till at least 100?

On a scale of 1 to massively U, how U is it that anger is forming a significant part of my reaction to this news?

Please come tell me this is normalish or shout some fecking compassion into me or something...anything.

flow4 Fri 30-Nov-12 09:04:11

mumoftwo I am so sorry. What a raw, raw wound that must leave. I do hope you can come to forgive your son, and yourself... We all sit out here, and feel such compassion for you both... And you do deserve that compassion, you know... smile

LtEveDallas Fri 30-Nov-12 06:13:05

Downton, thank you, you are very kind thanks.

DowntonTrout Thu 29-Nov-12 17:57:17

LtEveDallas you are certainly not a bitch. You have given me support when I needed it.

I think all this anger we feel is good because it means there is a bit of fight left in us and it stops us sinking into the depths of despair. It is our way of coping and is healthy.

When someone close to you dies, you do not only grieve for them, but for yourself and others around you, for all the might have beens and things you would have shared that have been snatched away.

LtEveDallas Thu 29-Nov-12 13:37:09

You know, I've always thought I was a bitch. The hard faced cow my mother said I was.

My brother died when I was 24, he was 42. He died because of the way he lived - he caused his own death (even though someone else helped him along). I've always been SO angry with him.

Angry that he died.
Angry that he could do this to us.
Angry that he made my father cry.
Angry that he left his partner alone with 2 children.
Angry that he screwed his daughter up
Angry that his son has not memory of him.
Angry that he never met my DH, nor his own GD, nor my DD

But mostly ANGRY that the choices he made were the death of him.

I loved him so much, and miss him regularly. His birthday, his anniversary, christmas, Glastonbury(!) all dates that mean something and he should be here for.

He should have been here, he should have got drunk with my DH and loved my DD. God he would have loved her - always questioning, bright as a button, cheeky as hell.

It's not bloody fair.

Love to all of you dealing with loss. It never goes away, but it does diminish thanks

Mum and ICBINEG thanks

Charleymouse Thu 29-Nov-12 12:37:48

flowers

mumof2teenboys and expat sending you big hugs.

Oh ICBINEG, i am so sorry sad

ICBINEG Thu 29-Nov-12 12:14:34

More thanks for mum and all of you for sharing on here.

It has been so cathartic to read peoples experiences on this thread....every time the rage has built to high I have been able to come back and feel a little more grounded and a little more sane....and well...a little more among friends.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 29-Nov-12 11:48:15

Oh Mum sad thanks

Oh Mum thanks I'm so sorry.

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Nov-12 11:02:28

Oh mum sad

I have always found these sorts of threads helpful. I went through a big "why me" phase feeling like I was the only person in the world who had lost a parent when I was a teenager etc. How my suffering was so much worse than everyone else and the world had singled me out to have shit dumped on my head. I think I got stuck in a teenage response to the situation IYSWIM.

It was very helpful and healthy for me to get a perspective through reading other people's experiences that a lot of people have gone through these painful times and that its not just me. Sadly many many of us have suffered losses and are doing our best to cope with them. Its amazing how we all manage to keep going despite it all.

For those who have just had bad news or recently suffered a loss all I can say is it does get less raw over time, even if that feels hard to believe right now.

Molehillmountain Thu 29-Nov-12 10:21:47

My brother died when I was three. The only thing I remember about it all was being really, really cross. I can picture myself in the chair by the window of my parents living room crying with anger. With whom I'm not sure-I think my parents.

prettybird Thu 29-Nov-12 10:17:39

I'm in tears every time I click back on this thread. But that's a good thing.

I had grieved for my mum for so long while she was still alive but not actually there that I'm still finding it difficult to grieve for her now, now that she's actually dead, if you see what I mean. not sure I do but that's the best way of describing it

Thank you for this thread. I hope it helps you as much as it has already helped others to talk about their feelings.

DowntonTrout Thu 29-Nov-12 10:00:42

I agree with the ^.

Don't feel guilty for opening up all our wounds. I have been thinking about Dad dying constantly since you started this thread. And I have revisited all my feelings of anger, guilt, sadness etc.

And you know, it's been painful but the funny thing is its made me realise that life does go on. People say that to you, and it's such a cliche, but the truth is, it does, it gets better and easier, never goes away completely, you carry it around with you forever. But thinking of all the awfulness of being in the middle of it and comparing it to now I can see I have come a very long way.

So thank you for saying what we all felt but didn't dare express. We are all at different points in our grief, obviously for some it is still very raw, we live with it because we have to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 29-Nov-12 10:00:21

oh mum sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 29-Nov-12 09:59:41

flow4 you are so right that we should talk about death more.

When I was at school, a friend of mine lost her Mum to breast cancer. I never knew what to say to her, and I just withdrew from her - we were 11. I have thought about it often as I've got older, and there is a part of me that would like to find her and tell her that I'm sorry her Mum died, and I'm sorry that I was too cowardly to say that to her at the time.

I talk about my grandparents who have died all the time, tell my children things about them and make them into real people.

I remember reading on a thread here about how bereaved parents feel that people don't want them to mention their dead children, that after a certain length of time they shouldn't want to say their names any longer. I sobbed and sobbed reading that, because what could be crueller?

expat I can't even find the words to express myself, but my heart is sore for your loss. Aillidh will always be remembered here.

OnwardBound Thu 29-Nov-12 09:56:54

So sorry mumof2teenboys sad

There just aren't the words to say what I want to really so am sending

completely inadequate

HUGS and thanks

I am furious with my son for killing himself, I am furious that his brother found him.

I am furious that I didn't know how ill he was, I'm his mum, I should have known.

I am furious that he wouldn't talk to us, that he wouldn't let us help him. That he chose to take himself away from us, that he left us behind. That he didn't believe that we love him and need him and would miss him.

How dare he do that? How dare he leave us? Why didn't he talk to someone/anyone?

The one thing that makes me more angry than anything else, I sent his brother to make sure that he was ok, I sent his brother to find him dead. I did that to him, I made him find him dead. I am so furious about that.

fuckwittery Thu 29-Nov-12 09:48:58

funnily enough not angry at my dad for dying but was angry at my mum regarding how she dealt with it with me. my poor mum

fuckwittery Thu 29-Nov-12 09:48:02

Oh I have been avoiding opening this thread but I'm glad I did now. I second everyone who says it is normal. My dad died when I was 6 and then my mum got seriously ill a couple of years later and I spent my teenage years and 20s caring for her and worrying about her whilst trying to get an education, career and look after my own children etc. I buried her on monday, and I was so angry over the years all the things we couldn't do together. I was angry with her for not protecting me from her illness I think, and not being a "proper" mother and grandparent, it is such a hard hard thing to even express though, so I am amazed you can even say it and feel guilty about it out loud. it is a natural feeling but you are such a good daughter for posting your guilt on here and asking for help with how to deal with it. I am starting to let go of the guilt and anger now I think, but it totally sucks. Why couldn't I have appreciated more the little time we had together, even though it was so limited and difficult in many ways. I'd do anything now for one more afternoon sitting with her, even if she spent all that time moaning at me, if I knew if was our last afternoon I'd comfort her and tell her all the things I didn't say, rather than feeling cross and impatient sad. I've just put together a photo album for mum's funeral and I only have about 3 photos from the 18 odd years she was in a wheelchair. She looks bloody miserable in all of them (my graduation, wedding and I think one she got in by accident at Christmas one year!) and I am cross about that.

You are grieving already (i think I grieved for years before my mum died), and I have been looking at some stuff about grief cycles - shock, denial, anger are all common.

WilsonFrickett Thu 29-Nov-12 09:36:35

Completely agree ^^ flow

flow4 Thu 29-Nov-12 08:10:42

"So rage filled and self-centred" << Oh ICB, people have posted to let you know that it's OK for you to be feeling angry. Please don't feel guilty about posting; it's good for people to be able to talk about their feelings.

We don't talk about death enough in my opinion. We'd all deal with it better if it was less taboo to talk and share our feelings.

Charleymouse Thu 29-Nov-12 01:45:52

So sorry ICBINEG.

No you are NBU.

I am still furious with my wonderful Dad for dying of a heart attack aged 59. DH and I had just decided to try for a baby and I was contemplating the pros and cons of telling him this and the selfish git just dropped down dead.

He smoked and drank and was overweight and I am so pissed off with him for doing this when he knew he had heart problems. It makes me very angry that he died without knowing he may be a Grandad soon. It makes me even madder that my pregnancy was to tinged with sadness as it followed his dying and to top it all MIL selfishly passed away the same bloody year whilst I was pregnant. She couldn't even be arsed to wait until DD was born. The pair if them make me so mad. FFS how could they do his to me and their DC and themselves. It makes me so cross.

I also recommend "Grandmother Remembers" I bought this for my Nana and she filled some of it in and I love just looking at her handwriting.

So no YANBU. My anger is only occasional now but the sadness is overwhelming.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

ICBINEG Thu 29-Nov-12 01:06:03

I am truly sorry that this has reopened painful wounds for people. Yet another unintended consequence of being so rage filled and self-centred at the moment.

All I can say in balance is that I very much appreciate the perspective I am gaining, the relief that my reaction isn't off the scale bonkers and all the wonderful ideas for making the most of things.

Okay so now to try and sleep....last night when DD woke me up for milk the pillow was soaked and it seems I had been crying in my sleep. At least that means I am capable of reaching the sad phase even if only while unconscious...

Best wishes all!

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