to be upset that dh has agreed to sil doing this

(93 Posts)
Splatt34 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:50:03

DD is 2. Pantomime wasn't even on my radar for this year. I got home tonight to DH telling me his sister is taking DD to pantomime. His sister is older & has never wanted kids. She has babysat in the evenings about 5 times but has never had DD to entertain on her own in waking hours.

I also feel that a child's first trip to the theatre is something special & always envisaged sharing this experience with DD & DH as a family. I don't really think she's old enough this year but I am really upset that I won't be sharing her first panto with her. (I am also 15 weeks pregnant & slightly hormonal)

DH thinks I'm being selfish. What do you guys think?

Splatt34 Tue 27-Nov-12 20:28:21

Thank you all. I think she will go but I think SIL has no idea. I happen to be day off work so about if it goes pear shaped. DD has never been out anywhere other than nursery without DH or I so that's perhaps another reason I'm nervous of this. (IL's utterly useless and my parents live 2 hours away & while they do all sorts with my nephew don't offer with DD, I assume because of distance). I'm still not happy about it though, but I'll live with it!

cricketballs Tue 27-Nov-12 18:19:17

I think YABU - you SIL wants to do something nice for her DN now she is at an age when things become interesting for those who aren't into babies. My MIL has taken my 2 DS since they were this age (going to the panto does not mean they have to sit still, the actors, the audience expect that children will not be still or silent!), and my eldest DS who is now 18 is still going to go with his nan this year -it becomes a tradition and one that is special to them.

I always take my DN (who is now 24!) Christmas shopping and have done since she was 2 I really wasn't into babies but at 2 I could start to have a relationship with her as it is a 'thing' that we do on as aunt and niece and I love it still that we have this special moment without anyone else interfering

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 17:27:01

Your dsis might be ok, if you prep your dd and help with advice, like loo before even if she says no- just say well i need to, will you come? Mine love theatre and live shows ( circus!) and have been going since 18 months and six months. The baby used to sleep but they are both mesmerisedsmile dd at 2 sat through ballet as she loves it so at 2. Mind you, i take non crunchy snacks and water.

What are you going to do, op?

Ragwort Tue 27-Nov-12 15:38:38

I would be delighted grin - watching a pantomime is my idea of hell on earth, fortunately DH took DS for the first couple of years; now even DS doesn't enjoy pantomime, DH desperate to find someone to go with grin grin.

You are being very precious, let them go and have fun, whilst you enjoy a rest. smile.

MamaBear17 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:34:14

I think your husband should have told his sister that he would ask you and get back to her. Its lovely for her to want to take your little one and a nice experience for them to share. However, for me, the issue would be that SIL asked your hubby and he answered for the both of you. I always double check with hubby if my mum asks to take DD somewhere, and he always asks me. I am guessing that it is the decision that was taken out of your hands that is more upsetting than the event?

Janeatthebarre Tue 27-Nov-12 15:13:15

YABU. Are you going to get this whingey every time anyone in your DD's extended family tries to do something nice for her simply because you haven't done it first.
Stop being silly and enjoy a few hours of free babysitting. If DD gets wriggly or restless at the panto that's your SIL's problem and I'm sure she'll deal with it.

My DS wouldn't sit through a panto at this stage (he's currently 22months). I can see your point about wanting to share it as a family, but honestly, let her go. Then you can have a nice, relaxing night, and laugh when she comes in, frazzled.

I think 4/5 is a great time for panto. Before is maybe a tad too young.

JollyJock Tue 27-Nov-12 14:47:16

Someone asked me if I was going to take 19mo DS to the panto this year. My response was "god no, he is far too young for panto".

There are a few pantos around here. i don't enjoy the big 'professional' one at the theatre. The smaller ones at local venues are much more fun and child friendly.

I can't imagine taking Ds to the one at the theatre until he's at least 7, and even then I don't think he'd enjoy it much.

Learning70 Tue 27-Nov-12 14:39:10

Aw Yanbu but tbh you will get more chilled out about first moments, specially once you have two. Let her get on with it! She'll probably have a mare and wish she hadn't asked!

TroublesomeEx Tue 27-Nov-12 14:29:48

It's actually quite nice to know that your child has done something with another person for the first time.

It's nice to know that they have done something special with another person; that they are building memories and a relationship with someone else in their own right as their own person and not just as your child.

It's nice that someone in your extended family wants to spend time with your child.

Personally, I do think she's too young for a panto and your SIL will probably end up leaving early with her. And I also think that it is nice to do the important 'firsts' with your child/ren. But really, it's actually quite nice knowing that they've done some 'firsts' with other people too.

This is her aunt and her aunt loves her.

sooperdooper Tue 27-Nov-12 13:53:14

YABU, she's trying to do something nice, and you're looking at ways to take offence, and being a bit needy

At 2 your DD won't actually remember it anyway and you have a whole lifetime of going to the theatre/panto, chill out, take the time to have some nice time to youself smile

EuroShagmore Tue 27-Nov-12 13:35:28

YABU. It sounds like SIL just wants to do something nice for your child (and give you both a couple of hours off). How on earth could you take offence at that?

whoneedssleepanyway Tue 27-Nov-12 11:07:11

Pantomimes are hideous, I took DD to her first one when she was nearly 4....I would love someone to offer to take her for me instead.

valiumredhead Tue 27-Nov-12 11:02:14

loads

valiumredhead Tue 27-Nov-12 11:02:04

Load of 2 year olds go to the Panto - not too young at all, its a great introduction to theatre imo.

I think she was doing something nice - aren't Aunties meant to do nice things for their nephews and nieces?

SugarplumMary Tue 27-Nov-12 10:46:02

In this situation I'd be annoyed with my DH - calling me selfish and not having the courtesy to run it past me especially if it’s a day I could have had plans for.

I’d be annoyed with SIL if she’d bought the tickets before checking with DH – it’s not clear to me from op if she did so if she presented it as a done deal.

Then I’d pack a change of clothes or a few and let them get on with it.

If it really bothering you book something next year – perhaps something all of you could do along with SIL – having extra adult eyes and hands with multiple DC is something that can be very useful in future years.

I have taken a DC younger than two about 20 months along with two other DC - 3 and 5 they were mesmerised - though I did have benefit of still bf for scary bits and bits but we were very pleased they managed so well. They were better behaved than some much older DC present and loved the experience. So I wouldn't bank on it going badly if you think it could be annaul thing and you don't want that.

Aero Tue 27-Nov-12 10:30:00

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way - I've felt the same when ds1 was very young and SIL wanted to do things with him. BUT, let her do it - it will be ok and in years to come (esp when you have another child in the picture), you will be really glad SIL does this kind of thing. I'm saying this now because I have hindsight - ds1 is almost 15 and has two younger siblings. SIL is still an important figure in all of their lives and they love spending time with her and she love having them, and we get a much needed break.
Honestly, I used to feel the same, but over the years I have come to very much appreciate the interest SIL takes in her nephews and niece. This will come to you too. There will be many firsts for you and nice things you can do as a family, but if you allow your dd to build a strong relationship with her Aunt, then this will only serve to benefit you all in the long run. Trust me - voice of experience (and I fell on this by accident - it caught my eye whilst I was looking for advice about something else. I almost never post here these days, but I've been there and felt like you do now and didn't want to ignore) and years of hindsight allow me to see the bigger picture and I now treasure the time my dc spend with their aunty who adores them. HTH smile

Thumbwitch Tue 27-Nov-12 10:21:05

Well it sounds like your DH does at least have some appreciation that it's not likely to be a successful trip! grin

I think, regardless of whether or not it's unreasonable, I'd feel the same as you. I think your DH could at least have run it by you before agreeing and allowing the tickets to be booked - then you could have reached a compromise (you going too, for e.g.)

It is nice of her to offer but really you should have been given the opportunity to have a say in it.

Still - it will be interesting to see how it goes - if she's just 2, and not fully potty-trained, it's going to be pretty challenging for your SIL. Best of luck to her.

SoupDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 10:14:58

It will be hell. Let her do it!

Jingleflobba Tue 27-Nov-12 10:12:40

Maybe your sil wants to go to a panto and sees your DD as a good excuse grin
Seriously you're being a wee bit precious about this, she wants to take her neice out for a Christmas treat. DD is a little young for panto but it will be a nice trip out for them both and you and your DH could make the most of quiet child free time! (Remembering how DD2 was conceived... blush
It's a lovely thing for her to do and I don't really understand this whole 'we must do certain first things together', your DD's family consists of more than just you and DH and you should count yourself blessed that you have loving people around you who want to do nicenthings for your daughter.

differentnameforthis Tue 27-Nov-12 07:32:21

As someone who didn't get to give her dd her first feed, or change her first nappy, or dress her for the first time (crash section under GA & heavily sedated after, dd1 in SCBU for 3 days) I understand about firsts & how important they are to mums & dads.

But now, several years on, firsts don't actually seem that important. You get a lifetime to have new experiences with her. Don't begrudge someone else that pleasure too. Let her go & enjoy your peace & quiet. You will be thankful of it when you have 2 & little help smile

spg1983 Tue 27-Nov-12 07:00:45

OP, the exact same thing happened to us when DSS was 3. BIL and SIL bought him panto tickets and took him, whilst murmuring what a clever present it was and how they'd make it an annual trip...unfortunately they forgot about the fact that at that time (and probably still now) he had a crazily over-active imagination meaning that he firstly got all worked up and weed himself whilst sitting on BIL's lap, then once he'd calmed down they'd also forgotten that he was only just toilet trained and prone to forgetting to go to the loo when distracted and enjoying something so he peed himself on SIL's lap too!

Luckily I'd packed them off with loads of spare trousers and pants for DSS so he ended up dry and happy as Larry, whereas BIL and SIL made quite a hasty exit after bringing him back and surprisingly haven't offered to go since!! In the meantime, DSS has developed exemplary bladder control and is now an avid theatre-goer with DH and I!

Splatt34 Tue 27-Nov-12 06:24:28

Thank you ladies. It's nice to hear some thing I'm not being unreasonable. I don't think SIL has any idea what she's letting herself in for, & I don't think issues of it being scary would have entered DHs head. He see's her as a very grown up just 2 year old who is often mistaken for 3. Plus he says he's told SIL that he doubts she'll sit still & that they'll probably leave after 15 mins.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Tue 27-Nov-12 05:43:44

I would let her go, I attempted to take my 'wriggly arsed' child to the cinema to at 5, I walked out halfway through, he was under seats, hanging on the back of seats, kicking people in the back via a seat, let her go, she may never offer again if your DC is anything like mine. grin

If you want to go I'm sure SIL will find another ticket, your DH is possibly just trying to give you a rest?

Is Ot sil struggles with young baby's ? Now dd that bit older she feels more confident

I don't get this first thing only on mn did I know it existed and now end up double checking with my little sister about my niece (I am more hands on ) and she like no go ahead and just Di what ever you want with her

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