to be upset that dh has agreed to sil doing this

(93 Posts)
Splatt34 Mon 26-Nov-12 20:50:03

DD is 2. Pantomime wasn't even on my radar for this year. I got home tonight to DH telling me his sister is taking DD to pantomime. His sister is older & has never wanted kids. She has babysat in the evenings about 5 times but has never had DD to entertain on her own in waking hours.

I also feel that a child's first trip to the theatre is something special & always envisaged sharing this experience with DD & DH as a family. I don't really think she's old enough this year but I am really upset that I won't be sharing her first panto with her. (I am also 15 weeks pregnant & slightly hormonal)

DH thinks I'm being selfish. What do you guys think?

bondigidum Mon 26-Nov-12 23:04:42

Yanbu at all, I would feel the same way.

I am very excited for our first theatre trip as a family. It is definitely something you want to experience with your child and not have someone else do, much like the zoo or the beach really. Totally see your point, I would also be upset.

I don't think your DD is old enough to get it anyway. Our eldest DC is 2.8 and I doubt he would sit through it all, also think he would be a bit scared with so many people and the loud voices/costumes, people shouting etc. So I don't really think it is wise of sil anyway. Your poor DP probably didn't realise, I'm sure my Dh would be the same. Its a really nice gesture of sil but I would have to cancel it. Simply explain dp didn't realise that 2 is really too young for a panto and that she will probably get very upset with the noise and disturb other people/need to come home. You could also say and I did really want her first theatre trip to be as a family.

It is a special moment. I get quite precious about things like this too. I was upset that my gran bought DD1 her first doll for instance!

zipzap Mon 26-Nov-12 23:17:51

I think it's rude, entitled and thoughtless a bit off to have booked the tickets without checking with you that you didn't have any plans, regardless of if it was going to be her first visit to the theatre or not... Particularly as it sounds as if you were planning to have a rare day at home with your dd that you were looking forward to. What if you had already booked tickets to the panto or the zoo or santa's grotto or whatever for that day? What would she have done with her ticket then?

Do you have siblings? What would your dh have said if you'd arranged for one of them (or a friend of yours etc) to have taken dd out on a day when he might have already got plans - either to do the same thing with dd later thereby spoiling it for him, or to do something different on the same day? For me there are two different issues and he is ignoring both of them.

Yes there are lots of different firsts in a child's life and as a parent it is nice to be there for lots of them. Different things are important to different people - whilst a theatre trip might be important to you, the first trip to a football match might be important to your dh but not you. How would he like it if you had arranged for your brother (or whoever) to take your dd to see his team play before he has had a chance to?

You could do a couple of things - either ring up the theatre, explain the predicament and then see if it is possible to change the booking and add an extra ticket, then ring sil, say that as you had always wanted to take dd to her first theatre show because it is important to you, you are prepared to tolerate happy for her to be there too and the theatre is willing to let you exchange tickets (you would obviously have to pay for your own).

Alternatively, make some extra me time for you by saying that the only way that you will let dd go out with sil is if dd is properly used to caring for her, changing nappies / getting to the loo in time, etc etc and so she needs to come over [as many times as you want] before the panto trip to prove that she can cope with the joys stresses of taking out a two yr old!

blackeyedsusan Mon 26-Nov-12 23:19:44

may be, just may be you can prepare your sil for the experience...

you know... she is scared of the dark so make sure you give her a hug hen the lights go out so that she does not scream aas she can take a while to calm down... usually only about ten minutes but...

ermmm .... oh yes, she is potty training so you had better take her to the toilet several times during the performance...

oh and you will pack extra wipes and spare pairs of pants/nappies as she tends to have poo explosions at the moment...

grin

blackeyedsusan Mon 26-Nov-12 23:20:13

oh and do not let her get too hot as she is liable to be sick...

Gentleness Mon 26-Nov-12 23:35:00

My 3yo only ever really forgets to go to the toilet (without prompting) in very noisy, confusing, distracting or upsetting situations.... ;)

Morloth Tue 27-Nov-12 00:04:32

Nappy situation is not your problem.

Another plus point for involved family members. wink

oldraver Tue 27-Nov-12 00:20:01

She's taking a 2 year old she has never looked after before ? hahahahahahahaha

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 27-Nov-12 00:22:16

I do think you DH should have checked with you before tickets were booked in case you had other plans that day. However, I do remember my aunt taking me to see Bambi and the The Jungle Book at the cinema when I was small and to theme parks when I was older and they are very happy memories to me. So now it's booked I'd just let SIL get on with it. Perhaps you could spend the day sorting out your Christmas shopping without DD in tow smile

AThingInYourLife Tue 27-Nov-12 00:36:59

She's too young for panto.

I would have said no.

Chunkychicken Tue 27-Nov-12 01:08:18

I don't think the 'first panto' issue would bother me as I'm lucky enough that my 2.7yo DD has lots of relatives that take her places that I haven't and have a great relationship with her, which has been incredibly helpful with a now 15do DS. However, they have all been involved in her life from a baby and she started spending time with them early on. If someone had suddenly decided to take her out, having not paid her much notice for the last 2.7yrs, I think I might find that odd. As much as its helpful to have extended family when your pg/got a new DC, it becomes more 'change' & can be unsettling for them to have effectively strangers coming on the scene.

Good luck to her though, if she's never changed a nappy!!!

LadyHarrietdeSpook Tue 27-Nov-12 01:28:23

You're that upset about missing a panto? Really? It wouldn't be a milestone for me but to each her own and all that.

I'm guessing she didn't REALLY book the tickets w/o checking with your DH first. If she did, she is being very unreasonable. Your DD is only two and I think that is too young to just present the parents with plans to take them out. My SIL is very engaged and has taken DD1 places but she would always check dates with us first and make sure we thought the activity was suitable.

Pantos last hours and hours and may well be too much for MOST two year olds. I guess with my DD1 it would have made a difference if she was two but nearly three; it's still a long time though. I am surprised that your DH thought it would be suitable for her and that your sister could cope if she gets overtired, misses you guys etc. How far away is it? It's not going to be a relaxing couple of hours off if you basically have to hover in the vicinity in case it doesn't work out.

I would focus on the practicalities though, not the sentimental stuff, and suggest another activity they could do together.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 27-Nov-12 01:30:40

I think it's ridiculous to allow this to happen, for DD's sake (SIL) has never had DD to entertain on her own in waking hours, yet your DH is perfectly happy for the first time she does this to be to a panto, where such a small child needs to be with someone they trust (noisy, busy, potentially scary environment), not someone they barely know.

... and your prime concern is missing out on a first hmm

I don't think any of you are thinking about your DD.

Narked Tue 27-Nov-12 02:21:09

She's never had sole care of your 2 year old DD in the day time before or taken her out anywhere before? She's never changed a nappy. And your DD is potty training? And she's taking her somewhere she's never been before to watch a panto?

She'll need all the luck she can get.

Narked Tue 27-Nov-12 02:24:38

Chippingin, her DH has already said yes to the SIL and won't listen to concerns that panto might be scary for a very small child and most of the posters on this thread are saying the OP should be grateful to her SIL and stop making a fuss. What is she supposed to do?

My 3 year ols swears she never been to a "show" before. She has been every year to the panto plus a couple of other kids shows in between. IMO unti they reach 3 each and everytime they go is like the first time as they have forgotten the time befre! Realistically you can both see the "wonder" of the first panto as both this year and next year will be reacted to the same!

Morloth Tue 27-Nov-12 02:55:56

I think if I really wasn't happy about it I would be pushing for my DH to go with them.

If the OP really and truely believes it will not be good for/will harm her DD then of course she must insist that it doesn't happen. If that means a great big screaming row then so be it. If I thought DH had agreed to something harmful for my children then it would not be happening regardless of the fallout and the same in reverse, DH would not allow me to do something harmful either.

But is it really that likely that the DD will be unhappy?

Lavenderhoney Tue 27-Nov-12 04:16:17

Oh yes she is, oh no she isn't ...( sorry, couldn't resist)

Your sis was probably racking her brains to do something nice, which it is, although I totally see where you are coming from, I think you should try to be ok with it. She may want to spend time with her niece now she is 2 and she won have kids.
It will be nice for your dd o have another trusted adult she can talk or happily babysit overnight or when you having your baby, assuming your dp is your birthing partner?

I wold pack a little bag with water, snacks , small teddy, baby wipes, spare pants and leggings or whatever and hand it over with a smile. Your dsis possibly hasn't thought of the practicalitiessmile of loos etc. are you going with them to the theatre then sloping off for Christmas shopping to help dd go with her easily?

It could be a nice tradition for them, you can join next year with the new baby, or get a manicure or something and let her take bothsmile

MumofWombat Tue 27-Nov-12 05:20:24

You may need to accept this now as a fait accompli, but I would be a little surprised if your SIL is going to be able pull it off successfully. My DS is a little younger and he can only sit still for about 5 minutes maximum, add in over excitement, potty training issues etc
Sometimes you can't change circumstances but you can change how you view it. So you could view it as an opportunity to finish your Christmas shopping, or simply to relax or to catch up on sleep, with the added bonus of a high chance of having a silent unseen last laugh as your fears weren't unfounded!
Your daughter won't remember this, but you can go with her in a couple of years to the theatre when you'll both enjoy the experience.

Is Ot sil struggles with young baby's ? Now dd that bit older she feels more confident

I don't get this first thing only on mn did I know it existed and now end up double checking with my little sister about my niece (I am more hands on ) and she like no go ahead and just Di what ever you want with her

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland Tue 27-Nov-12 05:43:44

I would let her go, I attempted to take my 'wriggly arsed' child to the cinema to at 5, I walked out halfway through, he was under seats, hanging on the back of seats, kicking people in the back via a seat, let her go, she may never offer again if your DC is anything like mine. grin

If you want to go I'm sure SIL will find another ticket, your DH is possibly just trying to give you a rest?

Splatt34 Tue 27-Nov-12 06:24:28

Thank you ladies. It's nice to hear some thing I'm not being unreasonable. I don't think SIL has any idea what she's letting herself in for, & I don't think issues of it being scary would have entered DHs head. He see's her as a very grown up just 2 year old who is often mistaken for 3. Plus he says he's told SIL that he doubts she'll sit still & that they'll probably leave after 15 mins.

spg1983 Tue 27-Nov-12 07:00:45

OP, the exact same thing happened to us when DSS was 3. BIL and SIL bought him panto tickets and took him, whilst murmuring what a clever present it was and how they'd make it an annual trip...unfortunately they forgot about the fact that at that time (and probably still now) he had a crazily over-active imagination meaning that he firstly got all worked up and weed himself whilst sitting on BIL's lap, then once he'd calmed down they'd also forgotten that he was only just toilet trained and prone to forgetting to go to the loo when distracted and enjoying something so he peed himself on SIL's lap too!

Luckily I'd packed them off with loads of spare trousers and pants for DSS so he ended up dry and happy as Larry, whereas BIL and SIL made quite a hasty exit after bringing him back and surprisingly haven't offered to go since!! In the meantime, DSS has developed exemplary bladder control and is now an avid theatre-goer with DH and I!

differentnameforthis Tue 27-Nov-12 07:32:21

As someone who didn't get to give her dd her first feed, or change her first nappy, or dress her for the first time (crash section under GA & heavily sedated after, dd1 in SCBU for 3 days) I understand about firsts & how important they are to mums & dads.

But now, several years on, firsts don't actually seem that important. You get a lifetime to have new experiences with her. Don't begrudge someone else that pleasure too. Let her go & enjoy your peace & quiet. You will be thankful of it when you have 2 & little help smile

Jingleflobba Tue 27-Nov-12 10:12:40

Maybe your sil wants to go to a panto and sees your DD as a good excuse grin
Seriously you're being a wee bit precious about this, she wants to take her neice out for a Christmas treat. DD is a little young for panto but it will be a nice trip out for them both and you and your DH could make the most of quiet child free time! (Remembering how DD2 was conceived... blush
It's a lovely thing for her to do and I don't really understand this whole 'we must do certain first things together', your DD's family consists of more than just you and DH and you should count yourself blessed that you have loving people around you who want to do nicenthings for your daughter.

SoupDragon Tue 27-Nov-12 10:14:58

It will be hell. Let her do it!

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