To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(659 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

BabyGiraffes Mon 03-Dec-12 09:31:30

You did the right thing and your mother may not change her mind. Those feelings can run deep. dh parents died when he was quite young but he had a falling out with his aunt a few years ago because she phoned to demand dh and his brother (both adopted) should not accept a minor inheritance from a distant aunt (sth like £200 so not huge) because it was meant 'for family' (and she wanted her three children to get more cash). He's in his late 40s and his aunt has always treated him and his brother as second best. She's the only remaining relative but we no longer have contact with her.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 03-Dec-12 21:32:31

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about the awful way some of your family have behaved. We have one birth and one adopted child, and if anyone tried to imply that one of them was "more family" than the other, they could fuck right off. But it wouldn't make it any less painful or upsetting to go through, including for the children. sad

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 04-Dec-12 20:59:26

It was not a family adoption so to speak, however I knew DSs mum from school she was my best friend until college then we lost contact until she found me again many a couple of years later just before she was pregnant with DS. We got closer and when she died, because she had no family she asked us to watch over her DS. We didn't meet DS until his dad contacted us saying he was leaving DS with the SS as he couldn't cope,
and the rest is history.
DS is not our youngest. We have a younger DS who is 2, and 2 older DCs.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 04-Dec-12 21:46:12

Sorry DCs called me before I had a chance to finish.
My mum called around yesterday whilst the older DCs were in school. DH aswer the door to her and asked what she wanted.
She was calm at first and said she wanted to give her side. She started giving her reasons.
However she then got herself into a grump and started ranting about how horrible I was and made some very personal comments until Dh made her leave. She rang today and said if we were choosing DS over her then fine she will not contact us at all until we say sorry. Hopefully that is the end of it.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Tue 04-Dec-12 21:48:29

Poor you. Your mums behaviour is dreadful. sad

Only4theOlympics Tue 04-Dec-12 21:52:47

There is no justification for her attitude or behaviour. You have NOTHING to apologise for. I hope you and your lovely dh and dc (all of them) have a very merry Xmas.

Aname
I am really sorry that your Mum is behaving like this about your DS. I find it really bizarre. My DB has a stepson and 2 younger children, all the family get presents of the same value for all of them because they are all my DB children. I really can't understand how any reasonable adult could behave differently.

I hope you are feeling OK this must be very hard for you. sad

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 04-Dec-12 22:20:30

We will all be okay. smile
My MIL has invited us all to hers for xmas dinner including my younger brother an SIL and their DCs as well because my mum isn't happy with them. So it is going to be a mad but fun christmas and all the DCs are very excited.
grin

pigletmania Tue 04-Dec-12 22:29:25

Your mum is a nasty toxic woman and so is your older brother and his wife. There is no excuses for her to treat a 5 year od little boy in that way. Good on you op you have tat fantastic Chrstmas with that wonderful family of yours, and Sod the lot of the toxics. May tey have a happy toxic Chrstmas together.

pigletmania Tue 04-Dec-12 22:30:08

Please keep us updated I have this tread on watch smile

pigletmania Tue 04-Dec-12 22:33:10

You stick to your guns op, you have nthing to apologise to, what for getting her to treat your ds like a human being with compassion love and empathy. Nasty nasty woman your mum op

Your MIL sounds great smile

thelittlestkiwi Tue 04-Dec-12 23:28:55

OP- you sound bloody lovely. There is no reason or excuse on earth for your mothers behaviour so I'm glad your DP would not let her in!

I hope you all have a lovely Xmas. Family is what you make it and you have it in spades.

MsHighwater Tue 04-Dec-12 23:58:48

If you are in touch with her again, do please remind her that she was angry with you for "choosing your DS over her", which implies that she expected you to do the opposite. If she is, in any way at all open to reason (doesn't sound like it, tho), that ought to give her conscience a jolt.

Your little boy's story is heartbreaking. He is lucky to have found a family to love and care for him after so much sadness.

Disappearing Wed 05-Dec-12 00:04:30

That's outrageous, I can hardly believe it! She sounds nasty, and you sound like you've been very reasonable with her so far.

I'd tell her to shove her presents up her arse.

bubby64 Wed 05-Dec-12 00:07:52

My best friend has this problem with her DC's and her FiL, He will always ask about her first 2 DC who are her biological children, he sends them gifts and is keen to have photos etc, but her DC3&4 are adopted (a biological brother and sister), and he tries to completly ignore their existance. He has always said that my friend shouldnt have adopted, as they were never that well off, and now his bio grandchildren are not getting everything materially they could have had if there had been less children to pay out for. He is a bigotted, nasty man, but quite prominant in his local community. She has gone down the route of trying to cut him from their lives compleatly, but it is difficult, because he lives in a neighbouring village to ours, and most people round here know a lot about each other, and some of his equally biggotted friends think he has a good point!

bubby64 Wed 05-Dec-12 00:13:34

By the way, she sends the gifts and things back, but itd hard on her bio DC as he often sees them in the village (Its hard to avoid all contact unlss they became complete hermits) and tells them about the gift he sent or photo he wants, or tells them he is willing to go to their school events, but "mumsays I can't" and TBH, he trys anything he can think of to try to build resentment between the children. Luckily, at the moment, I doesnt work, and the 2 eldest DC are quite protective of their younger adopted siblings, but, as they get older, it may cause some teenage angst.sad

HalloweenNameChange Wed 05-Dec-12 05:35:50

I read the OP of this and assumed it was a troll because surely people don't act like this in real life, but then read through the other posters with such similar stories and I am genuinely shock! What the actual fuck, I can't believe what some of you have been through! Op please don't ever let your vile mother around your son, she doesn't deserve him and he doesn't deserve the abuse.

Life is so difficult, how could anyone be so heartless to deny a child a family?

Hesterton Wed 05-Dec-12 07:00:04

One of the most moving of the many moving posts on this thread was the poster who overheard her step grandfather saying he would take just 'our two' (her older brother and sister) to see an aunty. The thought of a sensitive little child having to process and then live with the connotations of a phrase like that is incredibly painful. Almost worse that outright hostility towards a non-birth child which can at least be dealt with and brought into the open to be exposed as the bigotry it is to the child by the parents, and the perpetrator ignored if it isn't accepted.

That sort of phrase would stick in your mind and twist in a most painful way; no wonder the poster remembers it after all these years.

It illustrates how the smallest things can get a hold and have a massive impact in a situation like this. An elderly aunt at a family party, when we got all of my dad's grandchildren together for a photo insisted on squawking loudly and repeatedly, 'He only has six grandchildren, why are there seven there!' I physically snatched her away, hissing for her to be quiet before others including my (long term fostered) nephew could hear. I still don't think she understood what she'd done although she shut up, thank heavens. I won't ever forget that remark, so can only imagine how the child might have felt if he'd heard. Happily he was at the other end of the line grinning away madly with his brothers, and she lives 500 miles away; it was the first and probably last time they'll meet through circumstances.

At least you know where your mother stands; it's enabling you to ensure that your DS isn't exposed to any overflowing snide comments about 'our' children, or 'real' grandchildren or 'blood' while she accepts him on the surface. At least you know.

pigletmania Wed 05-Dec-12 09:13:41

Bubbly shock another toxic person to add to the list. If I were your friend t would seriously consider moving as far away from him as possible, so she has no influences around her. That would be a big possipbility for me as it will be for the sake of her family and their well being

LemonBreeland Wed 05-Dec-12 09:37:40

Aname, I really don't understand how your Mum came around to put her 'side'. She can't possibly have any rational explanation for behaving this way.

Thank goodness you have a lovely MIL, and what a lovely thing you did for your friend in caring for her son.

Bubbly your poor friend, I agree about moving away if possible. I couldn't let my children grow up around that.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 05-Dec-12 09:41:07

I cant help feeling really sorry for the child. His mum dies, his dad gives him up, he has found a loving family with you, and an old bint has decided she cant possibly love him or treat him equally to his siblings because he is not biologically family. angry Have you put your side across? Or is it pointless?

Thumbwitch Wed 05-Dec-12 10:18:37

Good for your DH and MIL sounds like she's a lovely lady - I hope you have a fab Christmas and meanwhile your ma can stew in her own bile, along with your older brother. smile

moajab Wed 05-Dec-12 10:32:00

I'm another one who is shock at your mum thinking she can justify her 'side'. Well, she can spend Christmas waiting for her apology while you have fun with your 'real' family - the one brought together in so many different ways (birth, adoption, marriage). It sounds fab. And it's totally your mums loss that she wont be part of it.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey Wed 05-Dec-12 10:38:09

I showed this to DP, and he was appalled at your mum and older 'D'B/SIL. He believes a child in that position deserves all the love they can get and that you are fantastic for offering this child a family, home, love, etc.

We both wish you and all her family a wonderful Christmas. Your MIL sounds great.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now