To think the children's dad

(42 Posts)
FateLovesTheFearless Thu 22-Nov-12 07:01:48

Should still take the children tonight as per our usual child contact agreement?

We have four children 7 and under. On Sunday ds1 was sick twice at his dads. On Tuesday ds2 was sick one. And yesterday just after college (full time student,lone parent) I started and have been unwell right through the night.

The children's father has said he won't take them tonight as he doesn't want the sickness bug. I have a house needing sorted out and whilst they haven't been sick in the past 24 hours they are all miserable with colds and I have had two hours sleep. Aibu to think he should still be taking them?

StuntGirl Thu 22-Nov-12 14:44:56

Could he be swayed by being told how much the kids are looking forward to seeing him? I dunno, I had one of those feckless fairweather fathers too and he makes my blood boil. Be a parent or don't, but don't expect to get only the good times or you might find out one day you don't get anything!

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 14:31:59

I agree ginnybag

ginnybag Thu 22-Nov-12 14:18:59

And 'him not feeling well now' has exactly what to do with it?

If the kids want to go, then they go. He's a parent, he needs to suck it up.

If you were 100% and he was not, then I'd maybe rearrange for the kids sake, but both parents are sick, so there no advantage for the children in staying where they are against going to override their wishes.

Can you only imagine the replies if this were posted in reverse and it was Mum refusing to have them?

diddl Thu 22-Nov-12 14:06:04

If you have them when you´re unwell-why shouldn´t he??

FateLovesTheFearless Thu 22-Nov-12 14:01:32

Thanks for the replies. The kids dad knows he can see them whenever he wants but we do have an arrangement as it. Was required when applying for divorce. The kids also love going to their fathers and do want to go.

He has now text to say he isn't feeling well and whilst I am annoyed he won't have them, I just don't have the energy for a fight hmm so never mind.

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 12:46:31

Okey dokes

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 12:43:01

No, it's not for both!

A parent has no right to spend time with their DCs; it is the DCs who have a right (under European law) to a relationship with their parents.

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 12:40:23

I've not really thought too much about the wording as I'm still with my dh/kids' dad. I'm sure I'd think it through more if i were in that situation

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 12:37:48

Is it not for both?

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 12:35:58

toffee You mean it is the DCs time with their Dad - surely? The time spent with the NRP is for the DCs - not the parent.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 12:33:05

Does a child have to live with a parent for at least 50% of the time to make that house home?

My DSS spends 4 nights in every 14 with us. He has his own room, belongings, breakfast bowl, chores etc.
More importantly he considers it home - he referred to it as his home with Dad when his class was walking past recently (he didn't see me so it wasn't for my benefit) but his Mum is adamant that he lives with her, visits Dad and only has one home.
My DD, in contrast, has spent half her time with me and half with her Dad since we split. She didn't feel at all at home in the former marital home after her Dad left with most of the furniture and half her toys despite having been brought up there, she felt like she was just visiting and that her Dads new flat was home. sad

It's about their level of comfortableness in the home, the welcome they feel and their sense of belonging - not the amount of time they spend there.

OP - I hope you're feeling better soon!

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 12:30:44

No, but your partner might help out if he were at home, whereas the OP is on her own and it is her ex's time to have the children.

EMS23 Thu 22-Nov-12 12:24:02

outraged - that's all very well but if a father (or non resident parent) didn't make their DC feel at home in their house, wouldn't that be awful?
Why shouldn't a parent want their child to feel at home in their house? I can just imagine the outcry if I came on here saying I'm taking back my DSS's bedroom and turning it into my dressing room/ guest room because after all, this isn't really his home. I'd be the wicked stepmum and my DH the disinterested father then, wouldn't we?

WhatsTheBuzz Thu 22-Nov-12 11:18:51

No but then you don't get to avoid your kids because you're already ill and surviving on hardly any sleep either, do you?

ToffeeCaramel Thu 22-Nov-12 11:13:23

He is being totally unreasonable. If he was a family friend = fine to want to avoid the sickness bug. He is their parent. You don't get to avoid your kids so you don't catch stuff off them. Who does that??

ChaoticismyLife Thu 22-Nov-12 11:00:53

NADM It has been said though, quite recently on a thread in AIBU and it's not the first time I've seen it

"If one parent has blocked contact or restricted shared care in the past, I don't blame their ex for refusing the DCs when they're sick - if you decide you are going to be primary carer, and sideline the other parent, then you can't expect the DCs to settle with that parent when the DCs are ill and you need a break."

I will agree with this although I don't think it's true in this case.

Outraged I always think of you when I see Freddos grin but I digress. That's your opinion, others will disagree. I personally don't have strong feelings either way but I do suspect that it would be right for some DC and wrong for other's.

izzyishavingababyAGAIN Thu 22-Nov-12 10:50:37

I wouldn't send dc to dads sick If i already had the bug - what's the point in making 2 people ill?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 22-Nov-12 10:47:21

It's not like that Chaotic.

The point is that children shouldn't have two equal homes. They don't need two homes, they need their two parents. There's a difference.

Children are not there to satisfy the parents, it's not like having a caravan shared between two families who should then get exactly the same number of nights to stay in their caravan. They are children, who are people in their own right. I can't say I'd like to live my life between two homes, so I don't see why my ex and I should expect to do that to our children just because we both want to bring them up.

WhatsTheBuzz Thu 22-Nov-12 10:15:19

KittyFane I second that last comment.

Peanutbutterfingers Thu 22-Nov-12 09:47:49

What do the children want? When my DS (2.10) was sick last week I asked if he wanted to stay and have cuddles with mummy or go to play with daddy and he chose daddy and I was very grown up about that even though I'd held him sitting up all night as it hurt to lie down and been sicked on eleventy million times (when he came home he did tell me 'I missed you sooooo much today')

KittyFane1 Thu 22-Nov-12 09:27:51

But do they have two homes or one home and where their dad lives? If separated fathers and mothers really did care for their DC 50/50 there would be no need for child maintainance paid by one to the other. This 50/50 split rarely exists. I wouldn't send my poorly DC to a reluctant ex.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 09:13:15

chaotic I've rarely seen that attitude on MN though- more often the idea of two homes/shared care is considered detrimental and Dads who pursue that are considered unreasonable.

If one parent has blocked contact or restricted shared care in the past, I don't blame their ex for refusing the DCs when they're sick - if you decide you are going to be primary carer, and sideline the other parent, then you can't expect the DCs to settle with that parent when the DCs are ill and you need a break.

ChaoticismyLife Thu 22-Nov-12 08:42:15

I soooooooo love mn. Dad is an equal parent and they have two homes...until the DC is/are sick then all of a sudden he isn't/they don't confused

YANBU

diddl Thu 22-Nov-12 08:33:00

If they are "miserable with colds"-wouldn´t they rather just be resting at home?

What do they want to do?

It's not fair that he doesn't have them when it's hard and I have no sympathy with him not wanting to catch the bug but I also think that you DCs would probably be happier with you and you should all just chill for a couple of days in front of the tv. You shouldn't go to college either.

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