Actually, I think my sis is being selfish and unreasonable

(142 Posts)
BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 18:29:05

My Mum who is retired and lives on her own is really unwell. She has been hospitalised, and has since been discharged, but still very poorly, while she waits for a procedure which she will be in about 3 or 4 months time.

Me and 2 other siblings have been caring for Mum since she became ill about 6 weeks ago - calling every day to prepare meals, do dishes, laundry, shopping, make cups of tea, have a chat etc. Even when she was in hospital there was a fair amount in terms of laundry, visits etc. We all have DC, jobs etc, but it is no problem to do it as we are all really worried about Mum. Another sibling has even flown home from abroad to help out.

Mum is finding it really hard to get up and down stairs - thank goodness she installed a downstairs bathroom a couple of years ago. Yesterday she said she was thinking of buying a 3 seater sofa so that if she is too unwell to go up to bed, she can stretch out on a longer sofa and sleep on it (she only has a 2 seater sofa at the moment).

We have a further sibling, the baby of the family, who works abroad - let's call her Barbara. She is single with no DC. She moved out of her flat here about 8 years ago, and moved abroad to study, and now works abroad - it is unlikely she will ever return to live here. She has used 2 of the bedrooms in my Mum's house to store her furniture and possessions since then, making these 2 rooms unusable, but Mum doesn't mind.

When Mum said yesterday about buying a sofa, I immediately thought of Barbara's 3 seater sofa which has been in one of the bedrooms for the last 8 years. This would be a perfect solution, as Mum isn't even well enough to go shopping for a sofa, doesn't really have the income to be able to afford it (would be using savings), and probably only needs to use it for about 6 months until she has had her procedure and recovered. I suggested this to Mum, who said she would ask Barbara.

So today I was speaking to one of my siblings, who told me Mum had asked Barbara if she would be able to use her sofa. Mum had given assurances that she would care for it, use throws etc. Barbara has said no, she doesn't want Mum to use it.

[Mouth hangs open] Un-fucking-believable. So, is she being unreasonable?

chinam Mon 19-Nov-12 19:57:38

The cheeky cow. Either your or one of your siblings needs to grow a pair and tell this woman where to go with her precious sofa.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 20:19:09

It gives me no pleasure to hear people saying she is BU and selfish, but I am gutted by the way she has behaved.

I honestly thought that asking her for use of the sofa was purely a formality. I suppose it was wrong of me to assume she wouldn't mind.

We have always known that Barbara is very self absorbed - I suppose it is classic family dynamic of the youngest being able to get away with it (apologies to all the youngest MNers who aren't self-absorbed), but it has never manifested itself in such a horrible way before.

Perhaps it is a case that she doesn't realise how ill Mum is. I am seeing every day how it takes Mum a good half hour to muster the energy to get to the loo, and even then it is with help. It is completely uncharacteristic of my Mum to even say that she needs to spend time lying down on the sofa.

nilbyname Mon 19-Nov-12 20:26:03

Well, you need to do something about it. I would. You need to talk to Babs, and she needs to make a big change.

frumpet Mon 19-Nov-12 21:02:46

Are you sure Barbara said no ? I just wonder if your mother would rather have a nice new sofa , rather than her daughters fag burnt cast off ?

hermioneweasley Mon 19-Nov-12 21:07:32

Call her and tell her, very calmly, why this is not ok and how ill your mother is. If she still doesn't offer then tell her you are throwing out her stuff as there is a balance of rights and responsibilities within a family.

picnicbasketcase Mon 19-Nov-12 21:08:39

Your mother is so ill that she needs assistance to get to the loo, and your youngest sister wont let her use a sofa that's sitting there doing nothing. For fucks sake. How callous and selfish can she be?

And I thought the 'joint party' thread would be the most shock thing I'd see on here today.

witchitagrub Mon 19-Nov-12 21:13:36

I think you do need to speak to barbara actually just to make sure there havent been any crossed wires..

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 21:23:55

Mum has a lovely new sofa that she bought recently, it's just not long enough for her to lie down on, so I'm sure there is no ulterior motive on my Mum's part. Also she's not fit to go and choose one, and she could use her savings elsewhere.

Yes, I need to speak to my sis. My DH was shock when I told him, then not so shock when he recalled seeing an e-mail from a friend of sis saying she was a selfish c--t about something she had done.

I just feel so dreadful about how this has made my mum feel.

DIYapprentice Mon 19-Nov-12 22:01:59

Wow.... just.... wow.... How utterly selfish and self absorbed!!! (And I'm a youngest in the familiy MN with a very ill mother, but unlike your sister I flew over to help for 5 weeks when I realised my DSis and DBro were struggling with the care/situation!)

But on a more practical note - 3 seater sofas tend to be large things, and not everyone can always fit one into a house when they move so get yourself onto Gumtree and/or Freecycle and see if you can get one cheaply/free for your DM. Or perhaps a day cot would be better? Think day cots might be a little higher than some sofas so your DM would find it easier to get out of it.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 22:36:54

DIY, great idea about the daybed.

maddening Mon 19-Nov-12 23:00:45

Give Barbara hell. Seriously ram that sofa where the sun does not shine! Ok a little aggressive but am angry on your mum's behalf!

FTRsMammy Mon 19-Nov-12 23:09:46

She's being very selfish and thoughtless
What Freddie said

FTRsMammy Mon 19-Nov-12 23:10:59

Sorry freddie

<mutters to self about not knowing how to mnet properly sad >

whois Mon 19-Nov-12 23:18:21

What the fuck???

I thought this was going to be a martyr "I care for mum 10x a day and sister only does 2x" thread until the sofa paragraph.

Seriously, your sister needs to be told she is a fucking selfish bitch and she owes mum £x in backdated rent and sofa needs to e moved out. F sofa isn't moved out it will be sold/binned/used.

Sister can not be for real?!? No one is that redic surely? I'm thinking there has to be a misunderstanding...?

MonthlyName Mon 19-Nov-12 23:25:41

Can we all email your bitch selfish sister, or shall we just fill up a thread which you can email the link too?

Popumpkin Mon 19-Nov-12 23:34:55

I can't believe what I'm reading here shock.

Your poor, poor mum. How dreadful to suffer such selfishness at the hands of your own child. She may not be "wanting to make a fuss" outwardly but I bet she's heartbroken inwardly. Not so much about the sofa but more about the blatant refusal to help. sad

BerylStreep Mon 19-Nov-12 23:35:45

Too late to phone tonight. I had taken tomorrow off work with the intention
of moving the damn sofa. Will maybe just ring her tomorrow and tell her I am moving it regardless.

Just use it.

Barbara will never know. Tell your mum it's fine. You can always replace it if Barb comes home and kicks up a stink. How fucking weird, to object to your own mother using a piece of furniture she is storing for you! shock

And if she DOES ever find out, well, WTF is she going to do about it?

Fakebook Mon 19-Nov-12 23:40:41

8 years! What a greedy cow. Just move the sofa!

Lavenderhoney Tue 20-Nov-12 02:37:30

And Barbara is also saying over Christmas? I assume she is not using your mum as a free hotel whist she goes and parties all night? Babara will help decorate, clean, cook, sit in with your mum , get rid of the furniture right?

Or will Babara be really busy catching up with her uk friends and be too busy and mum doesn't mind? Plus i expect mum will be lending her money - if she has to Hire a car for her stay, its not cheap!
ask her to give her share today for the new sofa, or you will sell her furniture and they money will pay for it- she won't pay for storage she wod sell or ship it.

She should get her gear out.

It's very difficult for your mum, but yor sister cannot be allowed to cause problems.

MidniteScribbler Tue 20-Nov-12 02:54:42

Where does Dsis live? If it's Australia, I'm happy to take a posse and go throw rotten eggs at her house. Not sure where I can rustle up a posse these days, but I'm sure there must be ways.

What a twerp. Just use it. If she has a problem with it, she's free to get all of her belongings moved from the property.

MammaTJ Tue 20-Nov-12 06:07:34

Jus use it and if she doesn't like it when she visits and sees for herself how poorly your mum is, then maybe she will flounce off again!! grin

MoleyMick Tue 20-Nov-12 06:51:25

I'll be in your posse Midnite!! <fellow Aussie>

HecatePropylaea Tue 20-Nov-12 06:56:53

I think I'd say our sick mother could really do with the use of this sofa that she has kindly stored for you for ten years - along with everything else - to make her day just a little bit more manageable.

If you don't like it, I suggest you arrange to have your things moved out of her house and you pay for storage.

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 20-Nov-12 07:01:40

If all of you got together and wrote an email saying how selfish her attitude is, do you think that might dent her unbelievably egocentric attitude?
Or send her a link to this thread!

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