To think he should buy a new fucking engagement ring!?

(312 Posts)

I got a text from my ex fiance this morning saying:

"Hiya, this might sound a bit weird, but can I have the engagement ring back?? Think I may have found a new recipient!"

My face was like this shock.

I've not seen him for a while- since I picked the last of my stuff up- and have been distancing myself, but he didn't mention anything when I saw him. I asked him when we split if he wanted the ring back, and he said no.

Obviously I don't wear the ring, but it still means something. And what woman in their right mind would want a ring chosen by a man's ex and worn by her for nearly 3 years? I think that's pretty insulting for both of us. AIBU??

Bogeyface Mon 19-Nov-12 22:59:47

grin just dribbled hot choc down my front!

MinnieBar Mon 19-Nov-12 23:15:08

Noooooo don't give him any money!

My dad was engaged to someone else when he met my mum, he dumped the fiancée and wanted to give my mum the same ring.

My mum asked how much was in his bank account and bought herself a new one for that amount, less £1 (which was what, about a tenner at most in those days??).

It still wasn't good enough so after they'd been married a few years she upgraded to a huge fuck-off rock and gave me the original. It's nice, although I never wear it…

confuddledDOTcom Mon 19-Nov-12 23:56:55

Again, I've never said people can't have an opinion, I've only spoken about morals. No one else has said it's morally wrong. I've also never said I have a problem with one person's morals being different to another's or that one person's morals are right and another's wrong. Your morals might dictate that you would give it back to him, that's great if you find yourself in that situation, give them back. Blue's (and many others on here) morals dictate that the law is right, she doesn't have to give it back. Neither is wrong, we all live by our own moral standard.

The only thing I have ever said is wrong is to say your morals are better than someone else's - which is what you did, not me.

What Bogey said grin

Right. I have read and taken on board all comments. This is actually my first serious AIBU, so I want to get it right! grin

To summarise my feelings, the law says the ring is mine. Now I can see how this is a grey area morally. But morals differ from person to person and are fully subject to personal opinion, and personally after the way he treated me at the end of our relationship and the nasty texts he sent me over the weekend I don't feel remotely guilty about keeping it.

I think each situation is different and personal to the people involved. In my case, if he had accepted it back at the time I would have given it up without question. But he didn't, he insisted I keep it. So tough. It is not my problem he has changed his mind.

I'm keeping it and will be selling it. I understand the advice to send it to him, but the truth is I feel that both legally and otherwise it IS mine do do with as I please. plus it's down to sheer laziness that it hasn't been sold already! Decision made! Thanks all thanks

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 01:33:40

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said. Generally accepted practice is that if the groom to be calls the engagement off, the bride to be keeps the ring, if the bride to be calls the engagement off she should give, or at least offer, the ring back. hth

tescocarrierbagexplosion Tue 20-Nov-12 02:08:39

Make sure you enjoy yourself with the money!!

Morloth Tue 20-Nov-12 02:33:39

Is the ring the only thing left between you?

Give him back the ring and tell him to never ever contact you again, you don't want to know him.

Just wash your hands of him.

MinnieBar Tue 20-Nov-12 07:10:59

I've changed my mind.

Go on a loooong trip with some friends and then throw it in Mount Doom. Job done.

Valdeeves Tue 20-Nov-12 07:13:36

Don't give it back. What a dick to send that text! Poor next girl in line,

confuddledDOTcom Tue 20-Nov-12 09:44:18

frantic51 - the law doesn't agree. It specifically says that an engagement ring is a gift belonging to the woman unless preagreed that it should go back to the man afterwards (for example with a family heirloom).

Morloth - if she gives the ring back he'll come back for more later. Considering there is no new woman, just someone he has his eye on who's already in a relationship, this is just an attempt to get into her head.

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:33:41

Confuddled I didn't say it was the law, I said it was generally accepted practise in polite society. I have one old college, "friend" who got engaged five times, broke it off and kept the ring each time! shock She was considered a gold digging grasper and lost a lot of friends! grin

Cozy9 Tue 20-Nov-12 10:35:16

Give it him back. He paid for it.

McKayz Tue 20-Nov-12 10:37:00

Cozy, it was a gift. I paid for my XH's christmas presents while we were together, doesn't mean I can ask for them back 2 years after we split up.

confuddledDOTcom Tue 20-Nov-12 10:45:24

It's custom in other countries, in the UK the law/ custom before the marriage reform act was that the ring was to compensate the woman if they should split up - hence the ring being more expensive and elaborate than a wedding ring and usually containing jewels.

Cozy, do you demand all your gifts back when you fall out with people?

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:12:28

Yes, it should compensate the woman if the man breaks off the engagement. It shouldn't, however, leave the door open for women to exploit men as my ex "friend" did by deliberately accepting marriage proposals, knowing that she had every intention of breaking it off once she'd got her hands on an expensive ring!! shock

In this instance though I think it is unclear who exactly called it off? Seems like it was more of a mutual agreement and OP did offer the ring back at the time and was told to keep it. So, in this instance, I'd say, "keep it". smile

confuddledDOTcom Tue 20-Nov-12 11:15:23

It wasn't the law that it was only if the man broke it off though, it's always belonged to the woman in the UK. In other countries (America and Australia too I believe) it does depend on who broke it off.

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:19:07

I've already said that I wasn't talking about the law! Just accepted practise in the kind of society I've always moved in! grin Which is why said, "friend" was dropped from our circle. The law isn't always morally correct, you know! wink

confuddledDOTcom Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:42

Says who? Morals are personal, there's no right and wrong in morals. Personally my morals say that you don't demand a gift back, so I think that the law on engagement rings has always been right.

If your friend was getting engaged just for the ring then giving them the flick once she had it, then that's wrong. If she had a bad taste in men and intended to marry them, then that's different. The only place I can see "morals" coming into it.

the ring is yours. you should do whatever you want with it.

i think it was a pretence for him to contact you. it's not about the ring.

block his number if you can.

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 11:58:58

Confuddled I really don't want an argument and I don't think that we are actually that far apart in our thinking. Of course no gentleman should demand his ring back, but it shouldn't come to that as no decent lady wouldn't offer it back if she had broken off the engagement for no apparent reason other than a change of heart! OP did offer the ring back and was told she should keep it so it's a bit rich of him to demand it back now. I simply meant the law allows for people such as my ex "friend" to behave as she did and, imo, it shouldn't. Hope that makes my point clear? smile

confuddledDOTcom Tue 20-Nov-12 17:31:21

I'm not arguing, I just don't agree with the idea that morals are a standard thing and we all live by the same ones.

I actually still don't agree with you. My morals are that no one should ever demand a gift back (unless it was a "if you don't use that any more, would you mind..." type thing as we've had with things Mum has bought us for our babies) and my moral code would not oblige me to return any gift when asked for it back. Whether that included a Christmas present or an engagement ring.

Certainly the one I wear at the moment I'd tell him to do one if he asked for it back!

frantic51 Tue 20-Nov-12 18:03:27

OK, fair enough! smile I guess we are disagreeing then! grin I consider that an engagement ring is a much bigger investment than any, "ordinary" present and if a woman chooses to call an engagement off without any good reason, ie fiance has knocked her about or been playing around with other women or she finds he's lied about something important or whatever, then she's being pretty grasping to hang on to it tbh hmm

Not that I want to get involved in bickering when the decision has been made, but frantic if you read my back story I didn't randomly call off the engagement and there certainly were good reasons. I don't think keeping the ring is grasping- it was a gift. I bought him plenty of expensive gifts when we were together. I'm not expecting his XBox back to give to a future partner! grin

gail734 Tue 20-Nov-12 19:42:55

I had an ex who dumped ME and then used to occasionally call or text. It was messing with my ability to move on from being dumped (not getting over HIM. He was a knob, I was humiliated to be the dumpee) so I asked him to please stop contacting me. There was amazement in his voice when he asked "Is that really what you want?" It was quite empowering. I think that OP's ex is just using this as a creepy way to suggest that he's moved on, although he almost certainly hasn't.
Giving him the ring back would at least remove any excuse he has to contact you. If the loss of the £200 or whatever irks you, sell it and block his number.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Tue 20-Nov-12 21:59:31

Wow. You had a lucky escape. Pity his new 'recipient'shock

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