Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

"He likes to find The Way and lurk in it"

Quote of the week.

Shodan Fri 23-Nov-12 18:53:56

Dh can change personalities en route from the kitchen to the sitting room.

In the kitchen he is pickattheremnantsbeforeeatingthehotmealfucker, then somewhere in the four yards from kitchen to sitting room he turns into dousethebloodylotwithsaltbeforetryingitfucker.

I have managed to curtail both fuckerynesses to some extent with careful use of a well-placed fork and secret previous salt dosage but he still persists.

However I would be prepared to let these go if he would just stop being sloshyeaterfucker. I'm not unreasonable like that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 23-Nov-12 18:22:11

Brilliant, spoony.

spoonyfucker Fri 23-Nov-12 16:07:58

I felt so wracked with guilt reading this thread I actually had to register with this name as my permanent online confession.

Sartre knew what he was talking about when he said that "Hell is other fuckers".

That sounds like a brilliant idea, Eldritch. winewinewine

Oooo yes whyever not Eldritch

I love how they think we understand/care/haven't got anything better to do like poke our eyes out read an interesting book.

Mine also fecks with ingedients and a few weeks ago put cayenne chilli powder in my gravy made from meat juices whilst I stepped out of the kitchen. My mistake clearly I should NEVER HAVE STEPPED OUT OF THE KITCHEN or maybe I should put a lock on the cupboards....

EldritchCleavage Fri 23-Nov-12 15:03:03

Clutching do you want to join the support group with me and SDT? I've ditched the training idea. The way it will work is we will set up our DHs so they can tell each other about their exciting maintenance programmes while we get drunk.

BellaOfTheBalls Fri 23-Nov-12 14:49:19

I'm also married to a spoonyfucker, cookerknobfucker and a sellbydatetosspot. He'll stir shit that doesn't need stirring then amusingly say "I made dinner". This is a man who can cook a fry up and that's it.

He also likes all his vegetables boiled until they become one with the water they were cooked in (bloody Irish MIL) and then proceeds to eat his food in size order. If I make a sauce to go on a piece of meat that has lumps in....pfft.

SecretNutellaFix Fri 23-Nov-12 14:39:29

We'll have a chat about it, everyone is stressed at the minute.

Something just snapped last night, usually I just sigh and joke about it.

Holy hell secret ! Cannot believe he 'told' you to do it! get sharpening that cleaver and try to stop your eye twitching or you'll give the game away.

When you're in the slammer we'll all say how you were forced in to doing it and regale people with your dishwasher story! Proper sob story, should go down a treat wink

EldritchCleavage Fri 23-Nov-12 14:27:24

SDT we need a support group. That or a training session that teaches you how to render your T.Y.E.F.D.O.E.S.M.Jfucker incapable of speech using some well-aimed blows with the Screwfix catalogue.

SecretNutellaFix Fri 23-Nov-12 14:21:31

I have a very sharp non dented meat cleaver. smile

Lets just say it involved him telling ME that I needed to empty the half washed dishes from the broken dishwasher and wash them before the new one gets delivered today. As HE was sat on his arse watching TV and tweeting and looking at FB on his fucking phone. I was in the middle of MNing and doing Xmas shopping.
Just like I'm the one who "needs to wash his stuff for work" when he has several pairs of smarter trousers in his drawers, but he prefers these two or three pairs of jeans/casual trousers. or find his Goddam Fucking socks.

Can you tell I'm still fuming?

Hello SDT ! I have one of those too, I need to practice my 'do I look like a give a rats arse' face in the mirror more often.

SecretNutella - sorry but that cracked me up "meat cleaver through his fucking head" ! Sorry you're obvs upset about something. I have a very nice if slightly dented Global meat cleaver at home that would do the trick. It's dents came from DP's best mate who, coming home drunk one night, triend to open a tin of beans with it (oh yes...tis true pru..)

Welcome to MN, Clutch!

Eldritch - I have a Tellsyoueveryfuckingdetailofeverysinglemaintenancejobfucker. I. Do. Not. Need. To. Hear. Every. Single. Fucking. Detail. Of. Every. Fucking. Repair.

Ohhhh god that felt good.

SecretNutellaFix Fri 23-Nov-12 13:52:37

No. He hasn't.

<fumes silently>

I foresee a Talk coming along soon, if I don't end up killing him first.

Oh yes HoneyDragon he know exactly what they are for but he can also be one of those not-so-rare breeds called ALazyFuckersauras when he wants to be !

Thanks HipHop smile

I have a listyfucker.

Everything in his life has a list associated with it. He is very behind on loads of things he wants to do. He can EASILY spend 1-2 hours every couple of days updating the lists of things he has to do, which he has bought software to contain.

The idea that he could have spent those hours actually DOING some of the stuff gets treated with derision. After all, then his lists would be out of date...

Lavenderhoney Fri 23-Nov-12 13:29:39

My dh is a flickoffthelightswitchesfucker. If he had his way we would be stumbling round in the dark, bathing in the dark etc etc. I hate it and the dc get nervous as they can be in the bath and he doesn't look, just flicks off the lights.

He doesn't interfere in the kitchensmile though I think he is sitting on his hands as he is a spoonyfucker at his mums housesmile

welcome to MN Clutchy smile

grin @ flingitinfucker

I have a StashWhereNoOneWillEverFindItEverFucker

HoneyDragon Fri 23-Nov-12 13:15:19

oh dear. Has he not mastered a basic retreat?

DollyTwat Fri 23-Nov-12 13:01:37

My dad is a onlybuyitifWhichsayssofucker

He once spent so long researching a new camera that Which would recommend that they'd stopped making the model he wanted, so he had to start his research all over again

SecretNutellaFix Fri 23-Nov-12 12:59:39

He just about avoided having a meat cleaver through his fucking head last night.

And he is still apologising for the comment that triggered it and checking "are you ok", which is causing the anger to keep simmering.

HoneyDragon Fri 23-Nov-12 12:56:20

Nutty grin Hows the survival course going? Has he managed to feed himself again yet? wink

SecretNutellaFix Fri 23-Nov-12 12:50:51

That's what mine is called!
Could not remember the term for him.

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