Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

(326 Posts)
HoneyDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 21:40:34

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this confused faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

NatashaBee Mon 19-Nov-12 18:39:24

DH is a seasoningfucker. No matter what he's cooking (or even if I'm cooking it) he works his way round the spice rack sprinkling bits of every sodding spice in there.

I am so thrilled that this thread is still going. Reading it has cheered me right up after a shite day at work.

I see we have widened the fuckery proficiencies beyond the kitchen and garden. Can I add car maintenance / mechanics?

DH is an expert in lookunderthebonnetandgohmmmbutdoesnthaveacluefuckery. I would suggest a spanner rather than a spoon may be offered under the circumstances.

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 19:12:40

grin I suspect this is no longer a thread Tess. I think it's therapy grin

I think you're right. grin

WineGoggles Mon 19-Nov-12 19:30:59

Sounds like an entrepreneur should invent a fucker guard for cookers to stop all this interfering. Or set booby traps to catch the annoying gits grin

I'll keep an eye out for it in the Betterware catalogue. grin

MrsDeVere Mon 19-Nov-12 19:52:05

Lakeland will do one in terracotta with a picture of a chicken on it.

puffylovett Mon 19-Nov-12 20:09:16

Fab thread. I have a spoonygobblyfucker here too - he's also a gruntyfucker, it drives me mad hmm

I always know when he's on the bog.

IceNoSlice Mon 19-Nov-12 20:29:42

Arf at MrsDeVere. Lakeland would SO do that.

oldraver Mon 19-Nov-12 22:56:10

I have a DairyFucker.... OH sees it as his mission to get butter and or full cream milk into as many dishes as possible.

Now I know a lot of things do taste better with a knob of butter added but Mushy Peas ? I want to taste pea not butter, a knob of butter may of added to the peas but not enough butter to make a slick on top of the peas in the pan. He tries to get as much butter in as possible so it no longer resembles what its supposed to but has turned into something else.

And scrambled egg needs a dash of milk, not half a pint and cooking for half an hour so it resembles curds and whey a milk maid would be proud of. It does not improve the flavour to boil egg in milk for aaaaggggeeessss.

HoneyDragon Mon 19-Nov-12 23:42:47

<<vomits at the mere thought of MrOldravers scrambled eggs envy <--Vom >>

oldraver Tue 20-Nov-12 00:04:37

I have had to try and politely decline his Scrambled eggs.... there is so much milk it doesnt all evaporate or encorporate into the eggs.... so when its poured out the eggs are swimming in warm milk

<vom indeed>

TobyLerone Tue 20-Nov-12 08:11:12

<boak>

Scrambled egg shouldn't have milk in it. Fact.

handsandknees Tue 20-Nov-12 08:55:28

Haven't got through all the pages yet so apologies if this has been done already, but in response to the OP - if he ever does this again you can actually turn your dinner into CHICKEN PORRIDGE (after you've shoved the wooden spoon wherever you need to of course). It's a common breakfast food in Asia, made from rice, water and enough salt to preserve a human. The chicken bits are usually supplied on the side to sprinkle on top, but I think your DH's version would work too.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 09:09:23

I too have an ObsessiveTidyingFucker;

"I didn't realise you were still using it."

The oven is still on, the hob is still on, the apron is still on. Your working assumption should be that I'm still using it.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 20-Nov-12 09:13:10

Oh, milky scrambled eggs <<rocks in the corner with flashbacks>>

Xh made the worst scrambled eggs ever. I never once let them anywhere near my mouth.

He put eggs, milk and massive chunks of raw onion in a jug, then microwaved it until it was rubber.

Wtaf he thought he was doing I don't know but that is not scrambled eggs. [boak]

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 09:21:26

Raw onion? Urrrrgh.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Tue 20-Nov-12 09:52:36

Randall that explains the Ex bit, fucking weirdo.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 20-Nov-12 10:06:00

He was indeed the worst cook in the world. The worst part was that he genuinely enjoyed his frankly bizzare offerings.

Actually no, the worst part was that he made the best roast chicken ever. Mine is always raw or dry, his was perfect. Moist, juicy, crispy skin, the works. It was beautiful every single time.

Then he'd wreck it all with over-boiled veg and his fucking ridiculous "onion gravy" angry

Lifeissweet Tue 20-Nov-12 10:50:46

Mine is an alarming combination of the above. He is definitely a gobblyfucker - and it's not just the ingredients, but also the stuff that's cooking on the stove. JUST BLOODY WAIT UNTIL IT'S FINISHED - It's chicken, it's not cooked, you'll get sick!

He was also an ExactRecipeFollowingFucker until that wound me up so much that I yelled at him. Then he decided to attempt my 'a little bit of this and a little bit of that' style of cooking (which isn't outrageous - just a bit or oregano or basil in a tomato sauce, a bit of garlic here and there...etc - all stuff that makes culinary sense) and put Thousand Island dressing in a pasta sauce. Seriously.

He also doesn't know where anything goes when asked to put away the washing. I got cross with him about that this week to. I wouldn't mind so much, but DS's bedroom is all labelled to help him with his vocabulary (he's deaf and reading is hard for him). I don't know how much clearer it can be than drawers labelled with 'pants' and 'socks' along with little pictures!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 10:56:54

Was onion gravy raw onion floating in a heavily diluted oxo cube, perchance?

CheeseAndBunion Tue 20-Nov-12 11:04:45

My DH is a Hoveryfucker. I cannot move in the kitchen without him hovering. Getting a hot pan out the oven? Not possible because Hoveryfucker is in the way. Grab a spoon out the drawer? Not with Hoveryfucker standing against it. Quickly get a much needed ingredient from the fridge? Watch out Hoveryfucker is fumbling in there too! He says he's hanging around just in case I need help. I say it's akin to the Angel of Death hovering around just in case I decide to snuff it.  And worse, Hoveryfucker talks endlessly. I can't even fork a sausage without him wanting to have a chat about it.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:25:10

Wish my DP knew where the fucking spice rack was!!

Or that he was obsessively tidy!!

Mine is a 'sit on the pc after work and ignore the kids fucker' sad

HoneyDragon Tue 20-Nov-12 12:21:23

Hoveryfuckery grin

How is he still alive?????

leavesarefalling Tue 20-Nov-12 12:27:37

ooh, I have a Hoveryfucker too. He has the uncanny ability to lean against the exact drawer i need to get something out of, and the cats are hoveryfuckers too, sprawled in front of the cooker, in front of the sink, blocking the fridge!

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