Please help me understand if I'm being unreasonable

(99 Posts)
Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 00:34:13

Please help me get some perspective - I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment. My DH works really long hours, not usually at home until after I've gone to bed during the week & gone early in the morning. He has a demanding job & I'm grateful for the financial security he brings to our family. I don't make any demands on him during the week at all, ever, I make one request which is that he gets home at a decent time on a Friday so he can spend some time with the kids (& me) & we can "start the weekend". I do everything to do with the home & our 3 kids plus I also work, I have just started a new business, I work every day during school hours & then from home when necessary, plus do all the after school clubs, dinners etc etc.

Often on a Friday he "slopes" off to the pub, tonight his train got in at 6.10 but he didn't get home until 7pm (we live 5 mins from station) as he went to the pub to see a friend on the way home. He texted me to say the train would be in at 6.30-7 depending on how quickly it got home as it was going a bit slow?!?!! When I smelt drink on him, he told me he'd had a drink with the CEO before he'd left! When I found out he'd been to the pub I was a bit miffed, but we were at pizza express with the kids so I didn't kick up a fuss, but when we got home he said he would take dog for a walk & I said I would take dog as he would probably go to the pub. He got really aggressive towards me (not physically at all) but he made me apologise to him & told me it was all my fault that I'd made something of this all & it was nothing. He said I could f&@k off & to stop going on at him all the time - I don't think I go on at him except for this Friday night thing.

AIBU - should I just overlook these Friday evening pub trips, is it fair for him to go to the pub because he needs to chill out after a hard week or is it acceptable for me to expect him to come home at the earliest possible opportunity? Please please help me - I just don't know what to think anymore!

butterflyroom Sat 17-Nov-12 09:25:17

Presumably the OP's DH chose to have 3 children with her. Yet she virtually brings them up on her own whilst working by the sound of things. YANBU. He should get home and spend time with the kids not choose to have a bloody pint. After they've gone to bed you could relax with a bottle of wine (or two!) between you. 50 mins at that time could be the difference between spending an hour or 10 mins with the children.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:19

Ew no. It gets on my nerves a little bit when I have to be home from work double quick because dinner's on the table. Much rather dawdle and have a bit of chat. You've got more to give if you're on your own a bit.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 17-Nov-12 09:27:31

Poor sod works all week and wanted 50 mins out to see his mates. I genuinely understand your point of view but sorry I think your being a bit unreasonable. He's not shunned the family all night just a quick drink, if he stops for one when he's walking the dog then it doesn't matter either. You need to let him have boy time too or youll push him away. I'd say the lie was to stop the grief when he got home, then he was narked he got caught over something silly.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:29:40

He's not being a part time husband and father, he's at work being a full time father and supporting his family.

ENormaSnob Sat 17-Nov-12 09:32:31

Is everyone ignoring the fact the op works too?

I know it's already been mentioned but I would also be very suspicious here too sad It follows an all too familiar routine.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 17-Nov-12 09:32:32

Gottomakeachange - Start ups are horrible employers. In my experience, having worked for one that is now a very successful company, it is an all encompassing experience that almost take on a work cult status. You are all so IN on making a success on it, and willing the company to greatness, it is EXPECTED to work till 11 pm without fail. Or you are a slacker, you will be squeezed out, because there will be others who are keen to be on board, in CASE it turns out a big success. Especially if stock options are promised.

But your dh has kids and a wife. He needs a break, and you need to see him. It is a tough one.

What are your weekends like?

There are plenty of kids around with fathers who work long hours or abroad, who are used to not seeing their dads between Sunday night and Saturday morning.
Sadly it is not unusual. sad

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:33:29

To all those saying the op's DH needs a bit of time to himself to do what he wants, when does the op get that time? OK she's on her own every evening, every week, but that is something that is being forced upon her, not a choice, she's not able to nip to the pub for a quick pint whenever she fancies. OK, she could get a babysitter, but that takes planning and money and a lot of effort for 50 minutes down the pub. However the DH just heads to the pub whenever he wants, knowing he has childcare on tap.

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:36:41

Not whilst he's down the pub for 3 hours most Friday nights he isn't Brycie. I'm sure the op would love to be down the pub with him, but wait that's right, she wasn't asked and is expected to be home taking care of their children, on her own, again.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:36:51

Yes, she does too, most people are saying that. Depends if she ever is free of the children during the week. But why not just say something along those lines to him, instead of "you are never to be anywhere except here or your office". That would do my nut. Do a deal - you have Fridays - I have such and such a time. It's not that hard. If he said "no I'm not going to let you have any time" then he's being unreasonable. But wanting his own time is normal and reasonable.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:38:03

What till midnight? Don't her children go to bed? She hasn't said she wants to do anything else like go to the pub, she just doesn't want him to.

AWimbaWay Sat 17-Nov-12 09:45:19

It's the fact he just expects her to cover for him that bothers me, if he'd asked if she minded staying in watching the children so he could nip to the pub fine, my Dh regularly heads to the pub after work, I don't have an issue with it because he asks if I'm OK to be in watching the dcs first, doesn't just expect it. I feel the op wouldn't be so put out if she was included in the decisions once in a while either, she could then bring up the fact she feels he doesn't see her or the Dcs enough and they could come to a compromise, at the moment it's very much what he says goes.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Sat 17-Nov-12 09:46:43

There is nothing stopping OP from arranging a baby sitter once a week so she can go out with friends, or join him at the pub.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 09:48:11

So she can say that too. What's with all the "I smell drink" at 7pm, honestly I think that's very controlling. Presuming the op is a nice normal person, you have to be under a lot of stress to be that controlling so she needs to think about exactly what she wants and if she wants time alone, to say so. It would certainly be more productive than saying "I smell drink and you're not allowed to walk the dog in case you go to the pub".

Treat him like a child and he will act like a child. Telling him what time to be home, telling him to come straight home, can I smell drink on you, no you can't leave the house I think you are lying about where you are going.

Have an adult conversation and put across your point, listen to his pov and come to a compromise.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 10:54:54

You could always swap roles like we did.
Then you might both develop a better understanding of each other's views and opinions and the pressures linked to your different responsibilities within the family. OH was a SAH/part-time worker for 6 years. Then he got a demanding job with long hours and we shared childcare.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 11:17:51

I mean we shared childcare differently, because the situation had changed. For example, I started taking them clothes shopping.
But really, if your relationship is going to survive, you need to accept that both of you could do with some me time, independent of each other.
I'm still wondering if you are more financially stable that 9 months ago, or if you are still in a state of flux with 3 children to provide for.

differentnameforthis Sat 17-Nov-12 11:33:17

No job needs those hours, no one is actually producing anything constructive putting hours like that he and or his employer is taking the piss

Erm, how do you know that for sure? My dh has done/still does those hours. He works in a job where a company (a hospital, a mining company. hotel etc) can ring up - for example - on a Thursday night & say we need x,y,z fixing for Friday am & they have to fix it. Which means he has to find a team to stay which sometimes includes himself. He worked Easter Sunday this year. They are one of 3 or 4 companies that do this type of work in our state & they have big ticket clients, so they jump when needed. And the type of work they do is not done in a few hours.

Last year he did 2 weeks off site fixing something at nights, which saw him & another guy working 6pm - 1am because they had to do it when no one was around as it was confined spaces.

So, in fact you are wrong. There ARE jobs that need those hours & it doesn't always follow that the op's dh can't organise his work, or is taking the piss. I am shocked that you say that without even knowing what he does!

Mousefunk Sat 17-Nov-12 11:50:08

What I take from this is a rather simple solution.
Friday he comes home straight from work, he sits with you and the kids- has dinner, reads to them, puts them to bed (whatever your usual routine is) and then he goes to the pub for a couple of pints for an hour or two. Then you guys have the weekend together and make it a rule that on the Sunday he does not answer his phone so at least one of the two days you get together is work free. He owes it to both you and his children.

A lot of people defending the 'poor bloke' because he works 80+ hour weeks, what about op?! She runs her own business, looks after 3 DCs all with no support and by the sounds of it no time off.. So I say poor woman! Your DH needs to pull his finger out of his arse and realise how good he's got it. A seemingly very patient wife who looks after his home and their 3 DCs around the clock and doesn't expect anything of him.

Also people keep saying 'it was only 50 mins!' OP has said he usually does it for hours and comes home when kids are in bed which is not fair. I think he owes it to his family to at the very least stick to the agreement he will be home on a Friday to see you all.

Don't agree with putting ideas into op's head that he's cheating...There's no evidence of this and op hasn't expressed her concerns that he is so that's just pulling straws.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 17-Nov-12 12:10:26

Mousefunk, on past history, they already have one failed business venture behind them, but I have no idea if that was a joint venture or OP alone.
So here she is just starting a new business again, in the middle of a recession. Good luck to her, but her OH could be still feeling that the financial security of the family still rests entirely with him. So he might need a breather between work and home if he's trying to keep the roof over their heads on his own.
She doesn't trust him, wants him at home and needs the security of his income. She's treating him like a naughty child, and he's living up to that image.
So if you did give him an ultimatum OP, and he cut his hours and his income and became what you wanted, could you step up and fill that gap?

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 17:57:48

God this has not been a pleasant experience at all, I'm surprised how judgemental some people are!

We have talked & sorted it now & he is going to come home first on a Friday to see the kids & then go out later.

To put a few things straight, we did have a failed business (which was a joint venture), I went back to work full time & worked hard to pay it all off, which I did. I am capable of supporting the family, but WE made the choice that it would be better if one of us worked more flexibly as we didn't feel happy putting kids in after school clubs every day.... So that's why I started a new business, I do earn money already & will soon be able to bring in about 2/3s of his salary. The reason I have done this instead of staying at home is because I don't want him to be massively stressed with the responsibility of being the main provider & that hopefully in the future we will be in a stronger financial position, therefore enabling him to make different career choices should he wish. I have always worked apart from mat leaves etc. I don't have any time to myself, I'm not that bothered about having me time, but I would like some more family &/or us time & they are his kids too let us not forget!

Anyway, all's well that ends well........ going out for a curry tonight & very much looking forward to it. Thanks so much to those who contributed without judging, I think I can safely say this will be my last venture on to these forums!

Oh no, I hope you weren't upset by my post, maybe just give aibu a rest for a while?

I'm really glad you've managed to find a solution that works for you both. Family time is in short supply so very important here too, so I completely appreciate your concerns. Best of luck to both of you with your businesses smile

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 19:14:21

opheliapayneagain it may be beneficial to check your facts first. I am not SAHM, I do not have any time off during the day.

Gottomakeachange Sat 17-Nov-12 19:14:54

pishmepullyou no not at all - thanks! :-)

PiedWagtail Sat 17-Nov-12 19:18:07

YANBU. As others have said, I'd have hoped he'd want to come home and see the kids and you instead of going to the pub - and I woulnd't like the lies and aggression either.

I don't know how you cope with such long hours. It must be like being a single mum in the week. Do you get any time to you? Do you have babysitters locally?

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