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Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

(401 Posts)
whoisright Tue 13-Nov-12 08:22:54

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet confused

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

houseofpox Sun 18-Nov-12 04:06:23

A lot of people take advantage of others finding the discussing of financials distasteful. Best to get it out in the open.

Mimishimi Sun 18-Nov-12 03:42:40

I think it looks like one of my brother's is never going to own his home. If my parents said in their will that they would like him to live there should they die, I would not be too cut up about it at all (would be quite pleased and relieved for him actually) but I would prefer that the proceeds, if it were later sold, were split three ways. Hopefully it's not sold at all because it's been in the family a long time. At any rate, it's none of my business and find it distasteful to think about.

Jux Sun 18-Nov-12 00:23:42

Well done, talking to your dad.

It looks like your sister is bullying your mum quite badly.

Well done for talking to your dad, OP. so sorry for everything else that is going on, it sounds incredibly hard sad

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 19:17:24

"All that mattered was hearing my dad say he wanted to leave his share equally and feeling that maybe I am just as important because for most of my life I have been in dsis shadow. Sometimes I could understand that it had to be that way as she has at times been very unwell with her epilepsy but at other times it was just a case of my mum choosing her over me and it hurt.Terribly."

This is so sad. I hope you find some peace.

nkf Sat 17-Nov-12 16:52:40

I think your mother is making ill considered and unfair decisions but, actually, I am more concerned about your distress. I totally see that it is not worth getting into a fight about a house that is owned by a 60 year old woman. So sorry. Hope it calms down somehow.

orchidee Sat 17-Nov-12 16:42:51

I'd be tempted to cut contact with sis and mum, at least temporarily. Get yourself over to relationships where you'll get support and info on your family dynamics. Do something that nourishes your soul. smile

I think it's great that you told your dad. Your conscience should be clear, you haven't helped them scam him.

cumfy Sat 17-Nov-12 15:52:12

You should still have that discussion, even if it ends as you predict. No ?

cumfy Sat 17-Nov-12 15:50:42

Yes, but how precisely would it be over ?

You would not end it. Nor would DB.
Who exactly would end it and how ?
The fact that the person "who ends it" and the manner in which that happens speaks volumes about the central issue.

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 15:33:07

I stay on friendly terms too as dd1 idolised her aunty even when we got thrown out (dont think she understood what had happened or why) and she wanted to see her so a few weeks after we had been thrown out for a while I had to drop her off for 'contact' visits then wait in the front garden afterwards for her to be sent back out to me.

Was a horrible horrible time I was broken but went along with it as dd1 kept crying to see her aunty and grandma.

prettybird Sat 17-Nov-12 15:30:09

What your dad does need to do just now (to keep options open) is make sure there is a "charge" on the deeds of the house at the land registry (not sure what the correct term is) to make sure that his interest in it is registered.

He can also make sure that his own will is clear about to whom that share should go.

That way, if/when he dies and/or your mum dies, at least that bit is clear and it doesn't just "lapse" to your mum or your mum's estate.

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 15:29:14

Yes we do speak, although it is not often the occasion at my house was when db was visiting (he lives quite far away from us) and he had his daughter that weekend too so I thought itd be a good idea to invite my mum and sister too as they hadnt seen db daughter in ages.

BIG mistake ended up in an argument and dsis went home very put out that db wants my old baby stuff as well (neither of them has actually asked me-they just eye up the nice bits).

We couldnt even manage a family get together so a discussion about the house would beover before it started.

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 15:25:06

really sorry you are going through similar cloudpuff.

cumfy Sat 17-Nov-12 15:24:52

Only recently they had a fight at my house over who would be first to have the next child as both of them want my angelcare monitor when i have finished with it!

confusedconfused

So you do all speak ?
You do let her in your house despite her having thrown you out ?

So why not arrange to talk about it ?

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 15:22:28

Even if i never get a single penny I wont care.

All that mattered was hearing my dad say he wanted to leave his share equally and feeling that maybe I am just as important because for most of my life I have been in dsis shadow. Sometimes I could understand that it had to be that way as she has at times been very unwell with her epilepsy but at other times it was just a case of my mum choosing her over me and it hurt.Terribly.

cloudpuff Sat 17-Nov-12 15:21:55

It all sounds very stressful and I honestly think you are doing the right thing.
My dad died very suddenly in January and had no will, he did have a lot of insurance policies and Dads wife and stepson has the lot whislt his two natural children (me and my brother) have not got a penny. I dont know how much was left but I do know the house is fully paid and my stepbro went from having bailiffs at his door the week my dad died to now planning the wdding of a lifetime.
dads wife is disbaled as is there Daughter so I understand they should be cared for but I do resent my stepbrother benefitting now by having tens of thousands of pounds spent on him, when my brother and I don't, and I know for fact he will inherit everything upon my stepmum dying. I will never ever say anything out loud though as the stress would not be worth any money I would recieve, I am happy with my life so they can all go fuck themselves tbh.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 17-Nov-12 15:18:18

They do know that it's not there money to decide about don't they?

Your parents could sell the house and spend the proceeds on penny sweets if they want.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 15:13:54

I feel very sorry for him and you. It's like King Lear and Cordelia.

Hopefully he'll force a sale, keep the cash or if he doesn't need it bung it to you and bro. Then your mother and sister can harry themselves through a miserable life and the whole stress will be lifted from your shoulders. It won't be "fair" as in an equitable financial settlement but at least you'll have something for your children andt those two won't have got their wicked way.

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 15:11:20

The thing is, my sistr wants the house and my brother wants some inheritance at some point and both of them are stubborn. I suppose at least my brother wants it to be an equal thing whereas my sister wants it all.

The thing that makes it all so difficult is that both of them CAN be lovely yet they seem preoccupied with money/property/who has the most/best of everything. Only recently they had a fight at my house over who would be first to have the next child as both of them want my angelcare monitor when i have finished with it!

I grew up with their rivalry but this whole inheritance thing has taken it to a new level.

Hopefully my dad will come up with some sort of plan.

Brycie Sat 17-Nov-12 15:08:58

If it's sold now then your father's share doesn't have to go to your mother, it can go to your Dad, you and your brother.

i think your db needs to be reminded that it's not his inheritance, it is his mum's money!

he sounds rather entitled, as does your sister.

and you are rathe under-appreciated. so here's a {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}

Bogeyface Sat 17-Nov-12 14:10:39

Ermm....your brother isnt looking too good now either!

He doesnt want his inheritance being spent? He is beginning to sound as bad as your sister!

whoisright Sat 17-Nov-12 13:58:18

I hope it does all work out ok, I do feel better today that I spoke to my dad but I am still unsure how things will be resolved as my dad wants to be fair and leave his share equally to the 3 of us. He has spoken to db about it too now but nobody has spoken to my mum or sister yet.

My db is VERY against a sale now as then the money will be split between our mum and dad and db concerned that our mum may rent rather than buy effectively spending his inheritance.

Doesnt seem like this will end well I can still forsee a lot of arguing, I think i have done all I can do and what I think is right (thanks to the advice here).

Just a case of wait and see now but hopefully I can try to distance myself from it all, Im having a hard time coming to terms with how difficult and upsetting my family dynamics are. I really hope I can do things diferently with my dcs.

edam Sat 17-Nov-12 13:20:03

Talking to your Dad was a very sensible thing to do and should help to sort this horrible situation out.

I'm surprised so many expert neurologists are on this thread, confirming absolutely that everyone with epilepsy can have their condition controlled perfectly with drugs. hmm Posters who think they know absolutely that every person with epilepsy can work know jack shit about it and have no business commenting.

I have epilepsy and DO work but I'm well aware that there are people whose epilepsy is not controlled no matter how many drugs are tried - not least because my sister is a learning disability nurse and this applies to many of her patients. This does not necessarily mean the OP's sister will never work, but sheesh, how arrogant and stupid of posters to think they know better than any doctor what possible range of severity and impact there is.

nilbyname Sat 17-Nov-12 13:14:08

Well done op for speaking to your dad, that must have been really stressful. I know the fall out will be hard to deal with, so get used to telling your mum and sis...
"It is done now, I think we can all just leave it at that"

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