To tell my dad its like hes stealing from me!

(125 Posts)
MagicLlama Sat 10-Nov-12 18:51:02

So basically dad lives with me in my house. He contributes to the mortgage and household bills (just in case thats relevant)

I have a savings account. In it goes the hit and miss CSA money I receive from DS2s dad. The idea with this account is that because its not guaranteed every month, I am trying not to depend on it for day to day expenses, and instead amd trying to save it up it to fund repairs that need doing around the house which is falling down around my ears. I was planning to save it up until Feb, which would then give me enough money to fix the hole in the roof. My dad knows this.

The card is kept in the safe upstairs because again if Ive easy access to it Im more likely to spend it.

3 weeks ago, dad was paid £300 via a cheque and asked me to change it for him. I was at work so told him to just grab the card, bank the chq withdraw the cash from the cashpoint, and put the card back.

Last Friday I noticed on online banking that the account was £300 less than I thought it should be. At first I though that the cheque banked for dad had bounced, but upon checking £300 cash had been withdrawn. Turns out dad had withdrawn the money to pay his blokes because hed got cashflow problems. He also reckoned that because theyd been doing stuff up here he was OK to take the money out. I was pissed off because hed done it without asking, but conceeded that as they had been working up on the stable yard I would cover the wages. I told him not to take money out of the account without speaking to me first because it wasnt OK.

So tonight I have again logged on to internet banking and discovered that yet again he has taken £230 out of the account in the last 3 days. Ive just yelled at him over the phone hes out and asked him what hes doing. His answer is that hed got no money in his account so he borrowed it, and was going to put it back when he collected some money from a job hes finished. It his head this makes it OK.

Dad is quite emotionally manipultive (I think unintentionally) and ive always been his support, and i struggle to stand up / go against him. Unfortunately my counselling has helped me see this but not yet got me into a position when Im able to do something about it.

Hes carrying the card around in his wallet, and I am fuming, absolutely fuming, I feel like hes stealing from me. I would never dream of just going into his wallet and helping myself to his money not matter how desperate I was without mentioning it first. I dont know how to explain to him that whats hes doing is just shit and wrong and to get him to listen and understand.

Even more annoying is mum told me this would happen, so I cant ask her for advice because shell just be pissed off with my dads shitness with money.

So WIBU to tell use the phrase stealing when I try and speak to him rationally later? If so, can anyone think of a better phrase I can use?

t0lk13n Sat 10-Nov-12 18:52:50

He is stealing from you...never give your pin to anyone...even family....this is why. Say you have lost it and ring the bank for a new one and a new pin!

NervousAt20 Sat 10-Nov-12 18:54:16

That's terrible, I would take the card out of his wallet and hide it somewhere else. It's disgusting that your dad thinks its okay to do this to you. I would want every penny back including the first £300 angry

ChunkyPickle Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:19

No YANBU, he is stealing, and you need to get the cashcard back from him now.

GrimAndHumourless Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:42

you need to ask him for the card back, if he won't give it up then cancel it with the bank

of course you need to change pin on it anyway, as your security has been willingly compromised by your letting your dad have pin and card

no chance of you getting that money back legally from him either, sorry

ChunkyPickle Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:51

In fact, yes, you don't even need to get the card back, just ring them up right now and tell them you need a new pin and card.

hygienequeen Sat 10-Nov-12 18:55:59

Get your card back ! he has no right, and i would be FUMING ! Failing that as you don't use the account (usually) get your card stopped and a new one sent to you (to hide !!)

Jins Sat 10-Nov-12 18:56:23

Get the card cancelled ASAP.

fatcuntroller Sat 10-Nov-12 18:56:56

Phone the bank and get your card cancelled NOW before he takes any more. Just tell them you've lost it and they will send you a new one.

addictedisback Sat 10-Nov-12 18:57:16

It's not like stealing it is stealing and as its money from dc dad its stealimg from the dc

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 10-Nov-12 18:58:20

If talking to him and coming to a reasonable conclusion is going to be hard and likely to take some time, then you need to phone the bank and report the card as lost or stolen. You can request a new card if you have suspicions that your account security has been compromised, and they should give you a new one, with a new PIN number if you ask for it.

You need to do something to protect yourself financially now, before you try and sort out the issues with your Father.

addictedisback Sat 10-Nov-12 19:00:05

As well as geiing a new card and pin make sure you get the old ome blocked and change the code on the safe.

It IS stealing. Call the bank and tell them your card has been lost and you need it cancelled ASAP, you will get a new card and pin sent out.

Is your safe a key or a code? If it's a code change it, if it's a key I'd replace the safe/lock.

Why is he living with you and not in his own place?

AThingInYourLife Sat 10-Nov-12 19:01:37

He is stealing from you.

Cancel the card.

Then ask the thieving bastard to move out.

ddubsgirl Sat 10-Nov-12 19:02:25

i would report the card stolen and get it all changed

MyLastDuchess Sat 10-Nov-12 19:09:09

Like everyone else, my first thought was that you need to cancel the card. It's easy enough to do.

Do that before you speak to him; you obviously cannot trust him with the card as he is using it to steal from you!

maddening Sat 10-Nov-12 19:11:32

Stop the card and tell him the card is stopped if you feel kind.

PoppadomPreach Sat 10-Nov-12 19:15:00

Absolutely agree with all of the above.

It is stealing.

Cancel the card and get a new one.

StuntGirl Sat 10-Nov-12 19:20:38

Agree with everything. It's stealing and he's being selfish, rude and manipulative.

Cancel the card and get a new one. Change the code on the safe. Keep the bank card safe and don't tell him the new PIN. And then you probably need to ask him to leave. He sounds like an absolute twat.

ChasedByBees Sat 10-Nov-12 19:21:08

It is stealing, it's not just 'like' stealing. He is really on some weird power trip thing if he thinks he has the right to take your cash card and use it as his own. I would demand your money back - all of it - and then get him out of your house.

Get the card cancelled. It's not 'like' stealing, it IS stealing.

Softlysoftly Sat 10-Nov-12 19:23:20

Cancel the card.

Talk to your father, only you know if he is going to give the money back or not, he could see it as not a problem if he fully intends to return it, it's not right but some people do think like that.

I wouldn't use the term stealing it won't help matters, just say that you kept the account separate for a very good reason, have ordered a new card and not to use that one as the bank will assume he has stolen it and any money withdrawn, say you want the money back by x date as it is basically a grandfather taking from his grandson and feels very wrong.

Walk away, assume he will give it back, when/if you don't get the money on x date then you call him a thief and chuck him out.

pigletmania Sat 10-Nov-12 19:26:40

Yes it's stealing, I would cancel the card, even if he gives you it bac, he has your details and could do it again

MammaTJ Sat 10-Nov-12 19:29:25

I would report the card stolen!!

midseasonsale Sat 10-Nov-12 19:32:21

Ring him now and tell him you are coming to collect the card. You need it. He can repay by cash or cheque via you. I think it is worth letting your mum know.

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