to come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men online dating are just on it for a shag?

(175 Posts)
soontobedivorced Sat 10-Nov-12 15:21:37

or is it just me. And every one of my single female friends. Do men really not want relationships any more? Going to be a huge number of sad lonely old men sitting around in their rented flats surrounded by cats living on beans and smelling of pee in a few years time. You watch and see.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 19:15:21

I think your problem there Anskabel, was that you even went on a first date with a men who texted you 100 times a day!
Happy ending though! Glad you met someone nice.

maybenow Sun 11-Nov-12 19:22:53

I met my Dh online in 2005 - i wasn't looking for marriage then, but i posted my interests (martial arts) and we talked initially about watching rugby so he knew he was getting a bit of a tomboy and no barbie doll grin. I was in a new city and looking for new pubs, meals out, socialising, not sex per se. And I met two men who were up for lots of socialising, number two turned into DH.

If i was looking for marriage i'd probably go for somewhere like e-harmony where it's a bit of a given people are supposed to be seeking proper relationships rather than plenty-of-fish for example which seems to be a bit more about sex dating.

Anskabel Sun 11-Nov-12 20:33:04

IfNotNowThenWhen yes I agree about my mistake - at the time I'd not long come out of a 4 year relationship with someone who had been extremely emotionally neglectful (met through friends, not online) and to be honest I was flattered by the attention. Mr Arrogant knew I'd been badly let down by my ex (that's another story, a very long one!) yet he still messed with my emotions when he knew I was vulnerable. I hope karma comes back to bite him...

E320 Sun 11-Nov-12 20:54:38

I "met" my toyboy online on a very "dodgy" site (not in the UK). It took us 3 years to get physical. Clearly he wasn't out for any kind of shag.
We have now been seeing one another over 6 years. Both older & very " burned" from our marriages, so no hurry!

Stephenbeecham12 Sun 11-Nov-12 21:32:09

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IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 11-Nov-12 22:26:39

Uh Huh.
"aggression, ambition, ribbing, competition, passion, authority, and plain speech--all of these are often discouraged when women are present, in order to spare feelings and prevent discomfort."

Sure. Because, as a woman, I am not aggressive, ambitious, passionate, authoritative and plain speaking, so therefore in my oh-so feminised environment I discourage such behaviour.

Oh wait though. I am all those things.

And, with all the respect that blog is due-(i.e, not much), society is not quite as "Gyno-centric" (ha ha) as this nutter seems to think.
Ask, I don't know, a female police officer, army officer.
Hell, ask a nurse.

Also read some of the comments below that blog. The fear and loathing of women was sickening.

What a load of total pseudo sociological arse StepenBeecham

Stephenbeecham12 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:00:18

I wonder what your post could possibly be about?

I’m sure that you too, in your own way wish to help “soontobedivorced” understand why she can’t get what she wants. Perhaps she understands your point.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 12-Nov-12 00:39:33

I think that it's better to go into dating with fun rather than lifelong commitment in mind. If anything should be fun, dating should be fun.

If it is not, then perhaps it's time to take a break and work out why you:
1). Find it so tiresome and
2). Dedicate your time and energy to such a draining activity.

I have used OL dating. I have found it a positive experience. I didn't take it too seriously. I never took the sex seekers queries personally. I ignored some, laughed at others and moved on. One thing that OL dating is good at is giving you a chance to weed out those wholly undesirable to you quickly and easily.

OL dating can't give you a happy ever after. It only provides an introduction service.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 12-Nov-12 09:42:44

Its about that link you posted to the blog you thought had all the answers Stephen dear. The one that was full of shite. Did you not mean to link to that ?

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 12-Nov-12 09:47:11

I think that is exactly the right attitude dione.
Fwiw i know its the same for the men I know too. I know, maybe, 4 men in thirties and forties who are desperate to find someone they can love,and all want kids etc. There is nothing wrong with any of them, its just that finding a good fit can be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Stephenbeecham12 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:08:42

Oh I see.

Yes I too felt that that was not a particularly strong point, rather over generalised. However have you not noticed that groups of men and groups of women sometimes communicate in different ways as opposed to when they are in “mixed” company?
Everyone else has noticed.

However, I can’t see any connection at all between that point and the reasons why soontobedivorced et al don’t know the answer to their question. It must be quite obvious if you read the blog. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see. The answer is there and elsewhere on that blog but if you don't like them, then they must be wrong eh!

You thought that some posters had a fear and loathing of women? Perhaps they did, I didn’t read them. Perhaps they have a reason? Perhaps that is the answer to the question, no?

I thought it was an interesting blog post. Was there something that you didn’t agree with dear?

Dahlen Mon 12-Nov-12 11:30:18

Never tried OD personally partly because the many people I know who have done it (male and female) tell me horror stories just like the ones on this thread. hmm

A few things stand out from those experiences though. The main one being that unless you are experienced in OD and have very good character judgment (even harder when you're applying it to a profile rather than the actual person), the free sites are often a complete waste of time for anyone looking for a LTR. Most of the people I know who had success with OD used paid-for sites that are much more selective with their screening and try much harder to match you with compatible people.

Once you get over a certain age, most single men are single for a reason. While I know lots of lovely men, they are the ones who tend to be in happy relationships already. Obviously there are exceptions since infidelity and fuckwittery are not controlled by sex chromosomes, but IME the amount of single men single because their long-suffering partners have had enough of being cheated on, left to do more than their fair share of housework/childcare or widowed in preference of COD or some other hobby, are disproportionately represented on OD sites.

Conversely, the number of women who join OD sites looking for a knight in shining armour rather than a partner are also disproportionately represented. And they are ripe pickings for the sort of sexual predator/lazy sod mentioned above.

As indeed is anyone of either gender who is desperately lonely and looking to fill a gap.

But it can and does work. I know a few people who have had successes. There are two traits they've all had in common:
1) they were happy with their lives as single people anyway and just wanted something extra rather than expecting the relationship to fill a gap.
b) they carefully edited their profile not only to accurately represent themselves but also to weed out the twats. The point of a profile is not to make yourself sound irresistible - you've already got a captive audience. The point of a profile is to try to ensure compatibility.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 14-Nov-12 20:17:35

Stephen.
That blog was a polemic by someone called "girl says what?" that was full of ill thought out opinion backed up by, er, nothing at all based in fact or reason.
For that reason alone, I can dismiss it as total bollocks.
It doesn't help anyone at all, except, possibly the writer, since she is clearly a girl who is a little worried that the boys wont like her unless she tells them what they want to hear.
It's a bit sad really. Dear. As are you. Dear.

Stephenbeecham12 Thu 15-Nov-12 10:21:23

So your first comment was to pick on an utterly irrelevant and minor point just to show that you are, what was it? aggressive and authoritative etc? Congratulations, you are obviously proud of that great achievement. Completely irrelevant to the original post and to the one you were responding to, but hey since when has relevance mattered? As long as you can talk about yourself and how proud you are of your obnoxious traits, then all is well in the world.

And your second post was to dismiss something in its entirety, when the part relevant to the OP is obvious and only part of the whole. Dismissed, further, without allusion or critique. Prone to ill considered sweeping judgements are we? Don’t believe anything unless it is supported by “empirical” “studies” which are “peer reviewed” no doubt.

It seems as if your signature tune is composed of two parts, namely:
1 missing the point entirely and,
2 being angry

Pretty much everything the blogger states is “true” and supported evidentially, should you care to look for it. Refreshingly, she doesn’t need to append her writings with endless citations of studies for presumably she trusts her readership’s ability to seek out the studies and doesn’t need to set it in the context of an “ academic study” which presents the “facts” to give it a false air of authority. If you are the type of person who dismisses the “facts” which are supported by “evidence” you will do so if they conflict with your belief system. It matters not to you whether they are to hand or you need to make an effort to seek them out. The next step after dismissal, (for the impoverished or criminal intellect) is to discredit the source, the next step is to shoot the messenger and the final step is to level unarguable “isms” at your victim. The equivalent of the gulag in Stalinist times (Pussy Riot anyone?)

As an aside -
If you were to check out various “scientific” studies published in Hitler and Stalin’s times I would expect they were peer reviewed as well but those peer reviews no doubt coincided with the zeitgeist and were produced within the context of a society that brooked no other valid opinion other than the one that prevailed. Sound familiar?
Suppression of the truth, Propagation of myths, miss-assignation of motive etc?

Perhaps this blogger is disinterestedly espousing higher values than “attracting the boys” like truth and justice and protecting her children. I’m not sure if your “considered” assessment is projection on your part or cynicism.
Are you really saying that any woman who writes something that you happen to disagree with, despite its validity, is only doing so to “attract the boys”?

How dispiriting. How low an opinion you must have of women. Thankfully I do not, or else this would probably have occurred to me. It must be either that you have a very low opinion of women or just another case of projecting your obvious self-loathing.
Is the gender of a writer so important to you? Think about what you are saying. “I can dismiss anything this woman says because she is only doing it to attract boys”
With that level of ability to analyse discourse and dismiss it out of hand, based on the gender of the writer, I’m surprised you can even manage to get out of bed in the morning

I find it curious that you are interested in a stranger’s relative happiness or sadness. But wait! Can it be another case of your clearly exemplified projection of self-loathing or the all too common ad hominem last refuge of a scoundrel? When arguments cannot be refuted, then look for a chink elsewhere? Shoot the messenger? I am neither one nor the other since you interest yourself. The whole concept of happiness is just a superficial entitlement thing. Puerile and just up your street I guess, Dearie.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 15-Nov-12 17:24:07

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Stephenbeecham12 Thu 15-Nov-12 19:21:11

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Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 08:49:48

Re: Online Dating.

I do actually have several past & present colleagues, also lots of acquaintances / friends of friends - who have met & married men or met long-term boyfriends through online dating.
These women used all kinds of sites.

Facebook is also useful; i have a cousin & a best friend who both met & married husbands through FB; also a male cousin who has a girlfriend & baby through FB.

Lots of men & women are just after sex, but quite a lot aren't, or start off that way then meet 'the one'.

Don't give up, OP.

Also try the gym, local cafes, supermarkets & pubs (usually sports pubs) during 5pm - 7pm to get chatting to men who have finished work.

Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 08:57:08

I've dated men through FB; & made good male friends through FB, the gym, going to the local pub & cafes; but myself i'm not looking for a serious relationship right now until i get my health back to normal.

I'm 36 & confident that i will meet a decent man when i'm well.
I do live in a busy town, that helps.
Also my gym is in a hotel with lots of businessmen who travel round.
I work in a place full of men.

Most of all i relax & although i wear make-up, style my hair etc, i don't worry too much about that.
I have lots of interests to talk about (even sports like boxing etc).

The important thing for me is that 'spark' but meanwhile i enjoy making friends & acquaintances.

Personal Safety is very important btw when dating or meeting a male friend, don't forget that issue please.

FlangelinaBallerina Fri 16-Nov-12 09:32:09

Not read the whole thread so forgive me if this has been said, but I thought sharing my friend's experiences might help. She did online dating for a while and found she could reasonably easily weed out the ones who only wanted casual sex. A bigger problem for her was the ones who were single for the very good reason that they had no time in their lives for a relationship. Having met someone they liked didn't change that. This may have been partially because she was going for career men. Anyway, she eventually met a good one, and married him. But I do think her experiences might be pretty common, if you think about it quite a lot of single people are single due to lack of time to socialise and find someone.

ButternutSquish Fri 16-Nov-12 15:18:07

I'm getting married next March to my DP who I met online. We have friends who have got married after meeting this way & another friend who has just gotten engaged...so it can happen. We all met our partners via pay sites; Match, E-Harmony & TimesOnline Encounters.

That being said, I have some across some prize twats along the way. In fairness, I let some of them mess me about as I had absolutely no self confidence after coming out of a 20 year relationship. I was new to the area, so didn't have a network of friends to go out with. I tried various groups to meet men but they were full of groups of friends who really weren't looking for new friends, iyswim

I did have a long distance relationship with a man who turned out to be a compulsive liar. He was actually living with someone and dating me at the same time. Came back to bite him when I also found him on a sex/swingers/cross dressers adult site when random googling his log-in details.

After waiting for HIV test results on my 40th birthday I randomly dated anyone who asked me and had lots of 'encounters' - some fun, some not so fun. I dated married & singles alike, & men I would normally say no to, as they weren't my type...like the chinese guy who I think was secretly gay, an indian guy who called me an ice-maiden because I didn't want to have sex with him. Lots of guys sending cock-shots and requests for pics of my bits too...also a guy who wanted to masturbate over skype...yeah, knock yourself out mate! grin no camera my end!

I was really tiring of the whole thing as I met my DP. He'd been given the run-around too. Women who were alot older than they said they were, complete psycho's who couldn't take no for an answer, one girl who got twated on their first date.....who doesn't have a horror story to tell?

I'm so glad I've found him. He's lovely! Younger than me (call me Ms Cougar!), in a good job, no baggage, funny, sexy, intelligent, the list could go on.....

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 16-Nov-12 17:39:33

<ahem>

Latara Fri 16-Nov-12 18:18:18

Rebecca i think the last post by Butternut was interesting, funny & honest. Also the previous post.

& i'm sure i didn't say anything offensive or rude.

Please don't delete this thread because of people who are offensive to each other just those posts.

SoleSource Fri 16-Nov-12 19:57:09

Thank you for your honesty Butter. smile

I have had very similiar mixed experiences.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:03

Not sure why my post of 17.24 was deleted. I thought I was being polite!

soontobedivorced Sun 18-Nov-12 16:01:41

curious to know how people found dates through FB?

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