To open this can of worms?

(108 Posts)
janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:34:40

Ok this might be long and confusing but I'm going to try and get all the detail in.

My parents divorced and my Dad remarried someone with the same name. My Mum kept her married name. so both my Mum and step mum have exactly the same names.

This is going back over 10 years now and my Grandfather (Dad's father) came into some money. He. decided very generously to share his good fortune and sent cheques for all his children and grandchildren. He also sent one to my Mum having been very fond of her when my parents were married and knowing she was ill and struggling financially. All the cheques were sent to my grandfather's children to be distributed to their own children.

My grandfather the following year received the rest of the money he came into and once again cheques were sent out to his children to distribute. These were 5 times larger than the year before. Only this time my Dad said there was no cheque for our Mum. He also said not to speak to our grandfather about it because we would come across as greedy.

Now there's no reason my grandfather would be obliged to send any money to our mum and it's not too far fetched to believe it's true. However it niggles away at me and i can't 100% believe my father. It would have been very easy for my step mum to cash that cheque with the names being the same. It was the last year my mum was alive too and the thought of what a difference that money could have made to that year makes me sad.

I could ask my grandfather but if my dad did steal that money then I'm opening a massive can of worms that i can't undo. It would cause a huge family feud and my grandfather would did knowing his son was a thief. Of course there's the possibility it's not true and then what do i look like?

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 10-Nov-12 14:36:19

Ask him, and ask him while you can. You need to know what sort of man your father is.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 10-Nov-12 14:39:07

I personally would do nothing. Far to much speculation and too much potential hurt to open my mouth over that one.

Even with solid proof I would struggle to let an old man spend his remaining time angry at his child.

Very bitter pill admittedly but one I think you have to swallow. What would it actually achieve?

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:39:19

But i can't un know that and he's the only parent we have.

Yama Sat 10-Nov-12 14:40:02

I really don't know. Sounds like it would niggle at you if you do nothing.

Is there a way of asking indirectly so that you can backtrack if your suspicions are wrong?

I'd want to know if my father was capable of such an act. If he is then he needs and deserves no protecting. If he's not then you know your Dad is not as bad as you suspect him to be.

lollilou Sat 10-Nov-12 14:40:32

Yes I agree ask him it will just needle away at you otherwise. Can you do it in a discreet way?

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:41:13

That's what i think too. But there is a part of me that thinks he does deserve to be punished. Not at my lovely grandfather's expense though.

cakebar Sat 10-Nov-12 14:41:49

I would ask the Grandad, otehrwise it will niggle. You don't have to do anything, once you knew, if that is what you chose.

lollilou Sat 10-Nov-12 14:41:51

Yama Xpost.

Kalisi Sat 10-Nov-12 14:42:54

What an awful suspicion to have hanging over you! I agree, you need to ask your Grandfather. You will not be able to drop it otherwise. How horrible if true! sad

abbierhodes Sat 10-Nov-12 14:43:25

I'd want to know. You don't have to ask him, could you mention it in a really grateful sort of way: 'it was so good of you too give us the money grandpa- and I remember you even included my mum the first time! She did appreciate it'. Something like that?

nickelrocketgoBooooooom Sat 10-Nov-12 14:43:28

You have to ask - I would be worried about the caveat "don't ask your grandfather because it would look like you're being greedy"
hmm

you've got to ask him.

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:43:54

I don't know how i could do it discreetly without it all coming out.

I just don't think he would have cut my mum out without a word. He was very fond of her and really upset when she died.

I'd ask in a heart beat. But then I already know that my dad is a cock.

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:46:49

It's so hard, I'm worried about my grandfathers relationship with my dad as well.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 10-Nov-12 14:53:17

How close are they? Is there a history there that makes you suspect what's happened?

I'm not asking for details you don't want to give just wondering about the bigger picture.

I would be really weary of the fall out to be honest. Realistically nothing can actually be made right now other than damaging your grandfathers and dads relationship and making your grandad feel like his gesture towards your mum was either unappreciated if he didn't include her the second time or ruined if he did and your dad pinched it. If you feel other members of your family need to be weary of your dad, then I can kind of see where you're coming from.

A bit like abbierhodes suggested. Could you say something like "I've been thinkng of my dm recently and it was so nice of you to give her that £x. It was so helpful to her". That way if he says "and the other £y" you can say "oh yes, that too", backtrack and you know without dropping your dad in it.

Want2bSupermum Sat 10-Nov-12 14:55:48

I think abbierhodes has the right approach. Don't ask your grandfather directly as that would be rude. Just say that your mother is so thankful and appreciative for the money she received the first year.

abbierhodes Sat 10-Nov-12 14:56:21

Yes, good idea eaglerider, backktracking could be easy, then at least you know.

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 14:56:57

Yeah maybe that's the way to go.

gussiegrips Sat 10-Nov-12 14:57:35

I spout this touchy feely nonsense at my kids when they are cliping or squabbling or try to remember it when I am going to open my big fat gob

"Is it kind?
Is it helpful?
Is it better than silence?"

What is your motivation for asking? Is it that you want to see whether your dad misappropriated the money, or is it to be reassured that your grandfather held your mother in high regard?

What if he did? What good will come of letting those worms free? And, you already know that your grandfather loved your mum, so that's a bit of a moot point.

You should consider whether there might be a third option. It is not impossible that your mother did not want his money, perhaps there is more to the story than you know at present.

I am sorry for your loss. And, I truly think that money would not have helped her more than her knowledge that you cared so deeply for her. That's what matters.

<hug>

ENormaSnob Sat 10-Nov-12 15:03:47

I would have to know.

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 15:05:11

No it definitely wasn't that she didn't want the money. I can still remember the conversation my sister had on the phone with my dad and my mum was really upset about not getting any.

I have to say i have changed details in my op slightly so not to out myself and it's making things more difficult to answer properly. So sod it, it wasn't just 2 years he sent the money it had been yearly for about 7 years at the point my mum didn't receive any.

janflan Sat 10-Nov-12 15:08:48

Also it would have made a massive difference to her life in the last year. She could have spent it free of money worries for the first time in a very long time. Instead she spent it in poverty while my dad and step mum bought 2 brand new cars and flashed the cash like it was going out of fashion. It just makes me so sad if that's the truth.

nickelrocketgoBooooooom Sat 10-Nov-12 15:11:22

sad oh, that's awful if he really did send the money, then. sad

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