To tell dd this is out of order!

(79 Posts)
mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 18:23:29

Dd (16) announces tonight that she is going to town with - lets call him shaun.
So i say isnt shaun 'katies' boyfriend?
Yes but hes my friend too says dd

Me and dh say its not appropriate to go to the cinema with your friends boyf when she doesnt know
Dd says things have 'changed since your day' hmm

so ive told her she needs to message him and say 'sorry cant do this weekend shaun, but woud love to see you and katie soon'

Shes in a strop now.

So AIBU

BeauNeidel Fri 09-Nov-12 21:04:43

YANBU.

A sixteen year old, who let's face it, might change boyfriends like underpants but might also have a very fragile ego, I think it is important to still be teaching them that it's not nice to go behind someone's back. It may be totally platonic - but they are keeping it a secret which suggests not.

If they have been friends since childhood it's different; your post suggests not. As a teenager, I would have been really hurt and upset had I found out that my boyfriend gone out with one of my friends. Now, no I wouldn't be, but I'm an adult now with a fully developed sense of self and would be totally confident in my relationship.

Teenagers still test boundaries like smaller children do, and this is a good example. I would have made my opinions known but probably wouldn't have told her to text him.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 09-Nov-12 20:59:42

What a palava about nothing.

Gawd forbid your daughter is going to the cinema with a male as a friend. Is it so hard to believe that your daughter can be friends with a male? Ive been best friends with a guy, been close friends with his gf and managed to not strip off and shag him. hmm

That aside, if they were did fancy one another and were growing closer, and this was their route then leave them to it! Be a mum and there to pick up the pieces, hopefully she'd only do it once, but you giving her ear ache wont stop her.

But dont doubt her in the first place, you have to at least give her the benefit of the doubt!

And if you never thought she'd do the naughties, and you always trusted her and just thought it was 'not the right thing' then butt out. What on earth are you on about? hmm

CarolynKnappShappey Fri 09-Nov-12 20:57:41

I'd advise her that if she doesn't tell the female friend their plans she may be heading towards a messy situation, so she should have a bit of a think, and that it is then her decision. Unless Katy is a knife wielding gang member, in which case I'd put my POV a bit more strongly.

StuntGirl Fri 09-Nov-12 20:50:09

Mossy, my boyfriend hangs out with my friends all the time. Last week I found out, after the fact, he'd spent Saturday with one of them while I was at work. My friend is male, but if I were questioning whether my boyfriend could hang out with my friends based on their gender, I'd have to have a serious word with myself.

I do however think that if your suspicions are that they are seeing each other behind the friends back, rather than just being friends hanging out, then you have every right to be concerned about your daughter's behaviour.

slambang Fri 09-Nov-12 20:43:36

Response of a 16 year old (ds1)

Told ds(16) the scenario. His question: Well, what are their intentions?
My answer : Maybe just to watch the film together?
Ds: No. The reason they aren't telling the girlfiend is the reason it's not OK.

I think he's got something there.

LittleBairn Fri 09-Nov-12 20:26:38

YANBU I agree at 16 she is still maturing she still needs guidance.

HecatePropylaea Fri 09-Nov-12 20:25:36

i don't think you are being unreasonable.

Going to the cinema with a friend - fine.
Going to the cinema with a friend who is also the boyfriend of your friend - fine
Hiding going to the cinema with your friend who is also the boyfriend of your friend - NOT fine!

It's the hiding it that makes it unacceptable. And "we both saw no reason to tell her" is code for hiding it. That is screamingly clear.

If your daughter's friend says to her "so, what did you do last night?" will your daughter say oh, I went to the pictures with X.

Or will she lie?

That's the tester.

I think she'd lie.

ask her.

And I agree with you - out of order.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 09-Nov-12 20:24:04

So why did you bother asking AIBU if you're so certain you're not BU?

FWIW, I think YANBU to have offered your dd advice that her friend may well be pretty pee'd off at her going out with her boyfriend, but only you can judge whether or not your DD is the sort to mess around with a friend's bf. If she is, then there's a whole other conversation that needs to be had. If she isn't, then YWBVU to tell her she obviously can't be friends with a boy without there being a hidden agenda on one or both their parts.

TinyDancingHoofer Fri 09-Nov-12 20:20:26

YABU.

And i would say the same if i were talking about a married woman situation. They were friends before, they are still friends now. It is nice to have one to one time with friends. It doesn't sound like a massive secret more that they probably just never bothered to tell the GF. Or maybe they think the GF is a bit controlling and jealous and didn't want her to make a mountain out of a molehill.

hugoagogo Fri 09-Nov-12 20:15:05

I must have missed the bit where you said they were shagging; I thought they were just going to the cinema.

SantasStrapOn Fri 09-Nov-12 20:11:53

No, I agree with mosschops too.

CharminglyOdd Fri 09-Nov-12 20:11:27

I think YANBU.

I used to go out with male friends who had girlfriends but, the important thing, they knew. The only instance I can think of that (fortunately) didn't involve me was a female friend who arranged to go to a concert with a male friend. She had been to places with him and his GF before, just thought GF couldn't make it this time. Until she got a hysterical call from the GF because the guy hadn't told her and she'd found the concert tickets in his pocket hmm He hadn't told his GF because he wanted to date my friend, end of in fact they did end up going out together and I didn't like the way it was handled at all.

BOFisAlwaysUltra Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:36

I think it is your business, mosschops- it's you she'll come crying to when her mate isn't talking to her, and everyone in the friendship group is taking sides.

slambang Fri 09-Nov-12 20:06:26

I agree with you Moss but would have suggested not told dd

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 09-Nov-12 20:05:41

Actually, I agree with you mosschops.

Clearly that puts us in a minority!!

mosschops30 Fri 09-Nov-12 20:03:26

Its not ridiculous to compare, if we dont teach our children now to take others feelings into account and respect relatinships then how do we expect them to behave as adults?

Once again i have not 'made' her do anything <slips gun behind cushion> grin

not being rude, just wanted to point out blatent double standards in 'oh theyre 16 its fine they didnt mention it to his girlfriend' and 'oh theyre 18 and married with a child its fine he didnt tell his wife he was taking another woman out'
No difference at all IMHO

musicmadness Fri 09-Nov-12 20:02:32

I do this all the time confused. I generally get along better with guys and will go out to the cinema or something with them whether they have girlfriends or not. I've never known the girlfriends to mind their boyfriend hanging out with a friend either, even if the friend is female. I can't say I would have minded if my ex did this at all. I don't see the point of being in a relationship with someone if you don't trust them to behave appropriately around members of the opposite sex.

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 20:01:20

she is a teenage girl you are overracting and tbh she is going to go behind your back if you are banning her from the pictures she is 16 jeezus she isnt going to an orgey with him, why is it your business

jamdonut Fri 09-Nov-12 19:59:45

I totally agree things have changed.
My DD isnearly 16 and this seems to be the norm in her friendship group.
I find it really odd...when I was her age I had a long term boyfriend and we spent a lot of time in each other's company,particularly outside of school, whereas my daughter and her friends spend time in groups, boyfriends and girlfriends included, at one or other of their houses, or just arranging to go to the cinema etc,with whover wants to go. Nobody seems to get into jealous rages.

hugoagogo Fri 09-Nov-12 19:59:10

You seem very sure that you are right; so why ever did you post?

It's ridiculous to compare the relationship between a couple of 16 year olds with people who are married with children as if they are the same thing. hmm

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:56

I am not sure why you are getting involved in this and making her send a message she isn't allowed to go if you think there is something going on then it is obviously going to go on even if you say no she is 16 and they are friends , dd2 went to the cinema to see a film nobody else wanted to go to with her friends boyfriend ,

Tuttutitlookslikerain Fri 09-Nov-12 19:58:47

What has got into you Mosschops? You asked for opinions, you got them. You've not be flamed! There is no need to be so bloody rude. If you were so cocksure you were right, why did you ask?

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 09-Nov-12 19:55:32

I'm 22, and I went to the cinema/for a walk/to the park/shopping with my friends boyfriends from around 15. We were all good friends and everyone would do it.

Sometimes, especially at that age, it can be nice to go somewhere with someone of the opposite sex who isn't trying anything/wanting anything/no rumours will start. Just - being.

wineandroses Fri 09-Nov-12 19:54:29

So why ask for opinions then? Carry on.

lovebunny Fri 09-Nov-12 19:53:39

its the way its done. even married 'friends' would do it. i think it stinks, i think it leads to trouble, but they insist that they all know so much more now.

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