To not to want to make the effort all the time??

(37 Posts)
notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 11:52:58

Thought about putting this in relationships but its more me wanting to know if I really am being unreasonable, first time I have done a AIBU thread so I hope I don't regret it, but need honest opinions. cringe..
I namechanged as some know me on here in RL

I had a falling out more me shouting at DH this morning. We don't argue (he's way to laid back and hates arguments), we have a great relationship, cuddle up every eve bar when he does sport but don't get much time out on dates etc as money is very tight, great dad etc etc Married 7 years together for 9 and 3 DC.

We have what I think is a good active sex life however I feel like its constantly me that puts things in motion. I go out my way to dress up, have sex downstairs (hate this as although I am lucky to be slim I feel DC wrecked me..same old story) send texts etc. Just the other day I sent one and he came home 10 mins later on lunch so its not that he doesn't want me as I know he does.

Anyway yesterday I sent some kinky texts, made lovely dinner etc etc, we went to bed watched a film and he didn't even get undressed laid on bed watching film etc in the end I fell asleep. I'm so fed up of being the one to intiate anything. Had we had gone up and I had kissed him etc we would have got it on and don't get me wrong it would have been good. But I am now getting to the point where I am fed up.

I am not a big one for cuddles and kisses in the day (DH has said about this before) I do try though..

So if you are still with me I had a shouty rant basically saying the above and DH went off to work without saying much. Am I in the wrong to demand he actually comes on to me? A friend pointed out to me this morning however that has it always been me intiating, which it has so maybe he doesn't bother because of this? hmm I go through this pretty much every month. We tend to go through motions of sex every other day one week to once a week the next.

just frustrating!

NicknameTaken Fri 09-Nov-12 11:56:45

I don't think you are BU, but I think there are better ways to communicate. Maybe a sultry whisper of "I want you to seduce me"? and see if he takes it up?

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 11:58:39

Yes maybe you are right. Everything seems to fall on deaf ears. Will try this thankyou.

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 11:59:50

Thing is I don't want to say it and then it happen. I want to be taken by surprise. Surely thats me trying it on again, asking for him?

valiumredhead Fri 09-Nov-12 12:02:12

What are the difference between kisses in the day and kisses and cuddles at night OP?

Perhaps he feels like you are using him away if he tries to be intimate during the day?

mrskeithrichards Fri 09-Nov-12 12:02:51

If this was the other way round he'd be called a sex pest at best!

valiumredhead Fri 09-Nov-12 12:04:36

pushing him away not using him

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 12:05:37

You were wrong to shout at him as that won't solve anything...and yes how the hell can you 'demand' he comes on to you?

That's hardly going to get him in the mood is it?

If my DH demanded I came on to him, I'd tell him to get back in his cave and stay there.

FredFredGeorge Fri 09-Nov-12 12:10:28

He either has a much lower libido than you, or he's simply very submissive and therefore simply isn't turned on by initiating it and therefore simply doesn't think of doing so, or it would just be an act, and it's perhaps an act he either cannot do at all or cannot maintain (so you have a few days of it and then it stops again).

You need to either explain how much you need him to put on that act occasionally, and find ways to make it possible - accept that you'll need to do some serious spelling it out like NicknameTaken suggests. Or just continue being the dominant one (which presumably you were/are previously or it's unlikely you'd've made it as far as you have.)

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:10:42

Good point didn't see it that way. I don't demand it I just get frustrated that sometimes he just isn't bothered. Used to be the other way around ironicallyhmm

So I keep quiet?

WorraLiberty Fri 09-Nov-12 12:11:58

No don't keep quiet if it's bothering you...talk about it calmly and sensibly.

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:12:00

Cross posts Fred...
Thankyou, I think he does. However my libido is up and down like a yoyo but what you have said makes sense. Thankyou

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:13:12

My problem is I let things build up and then I errupt. I see how thats totally wrong now... sad

mameulah Fri 09-Nov-12 12:20:10

notanypixie I totally do that 'let things build up and the errupt' thing. I have learned that when I can feeling a niggle building up I have to say, 'I am becoming anxious about this...I need to be able to share it with you.' I might have to do that for a couple of days before we do get a chance to speak about it but it flags up a problem and (most of the time) stops a big fight that appears to come out of the blue.

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:23:49

mameulah thats a good idea, thanks!

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 12:26:38

Why not chill out for a few days and give him a bloody chance to initiate things.. because the way I read your post it seems to me that you are the one hassling him for sex all the time..

Stop being so impatient. smile

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:31:44

I really am not a sex pest promise. Or I don't think I am!?

Thing is if I don't initiate sex in the past (more that I have not wanted it rather not because I was in a strop grin its been a couple of weeks before anything happens. He is happy to not do so it would appear. When we have spoken before he has said he hasn't wanted to pressure me to have sex with him.

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:33:29

also squeakytoy you were not far off about being impatient. grin

I think the fact that he replied with all these sexy ideas via text yesterday morning got my hopes up. I just don't feel wanted although he would say to me this far from the truth!

FredFredGeorge Fri 09-Nov-12 12:52:07

notanypixie you don't sound like a pest to me (it seems he doesn't ever decline when you initiate) he just sounds very submissive. You need to sit down and discuss what your needs are, and how you'll meet his - which are also almost certainly for you to initiate it...

MistressIggi Fri 09-Nov-12 12:56:03

Maybe he would be happy with sex every couple of weeks?

squeakytoy Fri 09-Nov-12 12:59:28

I would be happy with sex only every couple of weeks.. grin

My husband would think it was a miracle as well... once a month is about the norm in this house... different work patterns and busy lives...

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 12:59:31

Thankyou to you both.
FredFRed I think you are right.. We will perhaps to a take out treat tonight and relax and chat.

Mistress I hope not I am happy to compromise but that would leave me quite frustrated sad

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 13:00:29

I guess so much has happened in our lives that now things are/have settled we are finding our right balances?

mmmerangue Fri 09-Nov-12 13:07:30

My partner always used to initiate.

When I was pregnant I pretty much said 'No' solidly for 9 months. The idea (and an endless sick feeling) was not appealing in the least. So I think he lost confidence in how to approach me about it...

Now I'm starting to feel like you, although frankly I can only be arsed with the dressing up and pouting about every 3 months!

Maybe there's something thats put him off starting things off? Or maybe he's just out of the habit? When I told DP I was sick of only having sex when I got dressed up for it and I wouldn't again, we didn't have sex for 5 months, soooo I'm not really sure I have the best advice :/

But good luck!!

notanypixie Fri 09-Nov-12 13:53:05

I do get what you are saying and perhaps there is something in it....
I suffered very heavily with PND for a long period of time, in which he was pretty neglected.. 3 years back now but perhaps thats what triggered it. Him not wanting to upset me etc

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