To be sick of people trying to tell me how to care for my newborn?

(61 Posts)
Revelsarethebest Fri 09-Nov-12 08:41:53

My newborn is 3 weeks old. Im 25, married and a first time mum (although have qualifications and alot of experience in babies and children so not clueless).

My baby has terrible wind and really struggles with it. I ve spent hours winding her, changed to anti colic bottles etc, use infacol etc, nothing has helped.

I went to see a friend yesterday (shes much older than me and has a daughter whos 30). All the time i was there, she spent the whole time trying to wind my baby, baby was settled and this was unsettling her.

She spent the whole time trying to tell me what to do with her, said i should change her milk as it was obvious it wasnt satisfying for her (she has 5 ounces every 3 hours) and that as she will take a dummy after a feed that was a sign that it was filling her up!

Tried to explain that i wasnt changing her milk as shes never sick and therefore i could end up with problems if i start messing with her milk etc also HV as advised not to change it.

She tried to convince me to give my baby water with sugar in to get her wind up shock

Theres no way im giving her sugar hmm

There was plenty of other stuff too

I came out of there feeling like a shit mum :-(

My mum also makes comments too.

quesadilla Mon 12-Nov-12 18:28:27

Its pretty much standard, as others have said, but YANBU to be irritated by it. I'll never forget when my dd was 6 weeks old I was in Boots, it was sub-zero temperatures and dd was wrapped up warm in her buggy. I had been in the shop less than five minutes and took the calculated decision that as I was going back outside it wasn't worth undoing any of her clothing, dd wasn't crying or showing any signs of distress and this random woman took it upon herself to start removing items of clothing. When I asked what she was doing she said "your baby is obviously too hot." I was so flabberghasted I walked out of the shop without buying whatever it was I came for --- wish I'd had the nuts to take her to task over it. If I were you I'd stand your grand now if you're confident you don't need the advice. It won't stop people sticking their beaks into your business but it will give you a bit of satisfaction.

rubberducky24 Mon 12-Nov-12 16:47:55

another vote for Colief. I used Infacol and Dentinox with no luck, and tried Colief as a last resort as its so expensive. Baby now burps without being winded. It is thirteen quid though so I asked my GP to prescribe it once I knew it worked as it only lasts for 4-5 days.

confuugled Mon 12-Nov-12 16:36:10

Saying 'crikey, things have changed a lot since your / your dd's day - if the HV found out I'd been doing that she'd have social services onto me in a moment!. Isn't it amazing how what is standard practice in one generation is considered bad or dangerous the next... Hey ho I expect by the time dd has her first child I expect that things will have moved on several times again.' can help and turns it back onto them a bit. if she queries the dangerous bit - turn it around to cot deaths and say how the numbers of cot deaths have plummeted over recent years, since the advice to put babies to sleep on their sides and then updated further to their backs came in - nobody can really argue with that!

For what it's worth, ds1 had bad colic. We switched him from SMA to Aptamil and the problems stopped almost overnight.

I was also told by a friend who's a doctor something that made much more sense about burping babies than anything else I'd seen or heard. If babies get gas in their intestines then in order to get it out that gas bubble is going to have to move up, down, sideways - every which way to get out. it's like trying to get a ball through a maze (albeit one where the ball is trying to go up rather than down). And you can't see it so you don't know if you're sending it in the right direction either. The key to burping them therefore is to try to make sure that this bubble can go in all different directions by moving the baby around rather than just patting them on your shoulder or on your lap. As soon as you start thinking about it and visualising a gas bubble in gut (think way back to biology lessons at school!) and then how it needs to get out - a simple one dimensional pat isn't going to be much help. It might get lucky and get one or two out, just because that's the stage they were at, but trying several different positions several different times really helps!

grumpyinthemornings Mon 12-Nov-12 14:38:00

DS had horrible colic. Gripe water sorted it out within a week. Worth a shot?

I've perfected the blank stare, I get a lot of unsolicited advice as I'm quite young (I think it's that - am mid-20s). It's usually about the kids crying, why don't I comfort them etc, when the simple fact is they're fussing over nothing. It gets easier to blank it out over time...

Revelsarethebest Mon 12-Nov-12 14:19:45

I dont mind advice, its critisim that i dont like - there is a difference.

My friend was being critical, not helpful. When i was winding my baby, she said "did the hospital not teach you how to wind her?" grrr!

"Dont take this the wrong way ... but.. shes spoilt already, and the baby knows it!" hmm

Constantly comparing me to what her daughter was like when she had a baby 5 years ago and how fanastic her daughter did things.

I think theres a big difference between giving advice and going on and on for hours making the person feel like she doesnt know what shes doing and making her feel inadequate.

Thanks for the comments tho! :-)

Mrsjay Mon 12-Nov-12 12:30:01

so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice

we just can't help ourselves it just comes blurting out I do hope the Op was smiling and nodding as she read grin

FWIW when i had my first baby I had childcare qualifications as well still had advice thrown at me just because you have a qualification in childcare doesn't mean that the theory the practical

Rockchick1984 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:53:03

Being honest, if you moan to someone and they think they can help then that isn't offering unsolicited advice as you are telling them about a problem - wouldn't you be annoyed if they knew how to fix it and didn't tell you, coz I certainly would be! Yes, some advice you will be given can be politely discarded, but if you have chosen to discuss it then that is completely different from the unsolicited advice of a stranger coming up to you in Tesco or wherever!!

BackforGood Mon 12-Nov-12 11:39:00

Am just loving the fact that on a thread the OP started to maon about the number of people giving her advice, so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice grin grin grin

winterhill Mon 12-Nov-12 11:17:28

YABU
1 People like to help and be useful
2 Some of the advice you may recieve could be useful to you. You don't know everything just because you have a qualification.

RyleDup Mon 12-Nov-12 11:11:26

It is annoying op. I remember this when I had my first. It doesn't matter how old you are, people ask if this is your first, and then steam in with lots of unwanted advice. Just smile sweetly and ignore it. You tend to get left alone when you have the second.

Queenofsiburbia Mon 12-Nov-12 11:01:37

I'm finding the prospect of all the breast feeding advice daunting enough, never mind the winding 'help' from wellweaners wink

I am just not that patient, thats the problem.
I think I will do my baby version of the classic MN cold question: "Did you mean for your unsolicited advice to be exactly the opposite to what all the experts have told me?" even if not true

katiecubs Mon 12-Nov-12 10:46:40

I would say, having had a baby like this an having tried various potions, milks and remedies, that they just grow out if it after a while so hold tight and carry on as you were. She sounds like she is feeding great!

mmmnoodlesoup Yes, to some extent, but we're down to a cells and molecules by then. Acidic grapes will have no effect on the breastmilk, and neither will wind-producing, undigested carbohydrates in the mother's gut, nor will a fizzy drink give the baby wind.

But this isn't very helpful to the OP, and it's not fair to turn it into a BF thread.

Yes, people interfering and giving unsolicited advice are bloody annoying!
But I have no idea how to help with the wind, sorry. sad

Jingleflobba Mon 12-Nov-12 10:38:39

Ahem. Well Meaning. Not weaning!

Jingleflobba Mon 12-Nov-12 10:37:58

I've been raising our children for 12 years and still get advice...
Our youngest is 8 months old and my MIL still hands out the same advice she gave me when eldest was born... Weetabix in milk at 2 months, don't give dummies (hers never had dummies, neither did she - and she still sucks her thumb at nearly 70!), FF will lead to stomach problems in later life, you know the type.
I second the advice to smile and nod. If necessary a non commital "hmm" works wonders, you can make it sound as polite or as sceptical as you need to.
(Disclaimer: when I had a wobble with DD2's weaning a few weeks ago due to my total fear of her choking my MIL was a bloody rock so she's not totally annoying, just well weaning)

Jen547 Mon 12-Nov-12 10:37:34

Every single mum in the world is doing it all wrong according to every other mum they meet. Im confident enough to say that everyone of us has been made to feel like a shit mum by some "helpful" women at some point. But don't totally ignore all advice-givers. I have been given equal parts useless and totally valuable advice from other mums! You will find your own way of doing things and as long as you are consistent and your baby is healthy THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!!

milkmoustache Mon 12-Nov-12 10:25:01

Being offered 'helpful' advice when you have such a young baby and are awash with hormones is a pain in the arse... I bit my MILs head off when she asked me if I was going to feed my howling DD, having spent the last hour doing precisely that!Try and let it wash over you...and remember it is mostly well-meant.

LeBFG Mon 12-Nov-12 10:20:53

Most advice I just nod to and say 'ah yes'...then do my own thing. They are trying to be helpful after all. I look back to those early baby weeks and I think I was being unreasonable in my expectations of others. All I did was complain and all they did was try and help.

However, a bit of me is still very much on your side OP because I've had some ridiculous, completely unsolicited advice from strangers. And this I object to enormously. I was told by one old lady that I would give DS brain damage because I was burping him so much hmm. Lots of comments about how over/under dressed DS was. I now coldly blank this sort of commentary.

Milk is made from what's in your bloodstream, not the contents of your stomach

Erm, what we eats travels into our small intestines and then into our bloodstream. Hence how painkillers work etc so what we eat does affect our milk.

FairiesWearPoppies Mon 12-Nov-12 10:15:38

My ds was exactly the same and was on sma gold. He was never sick either however we changed to aptimil and the colic an wind disappeared it may be worth considering. smile

Oh god! The stuff people tell you about what you should and shouldn't eat during BF. And it's all a load of superstitious crap any way, except of course cutting out dairy if your DC is CMP intolerant. Oh, and not getting blind drunk or drinking excessive amounts of caffeine. Milk is made from what's in your bloodstream, not the contents of your stomach.

Rant over! smile

My midwife said not to eat many grapes while breastfeeding too

MerseyMama Mon 12-Nov-12 09:57:00

Really not telling you what to do an just sharing my experience , I have four children youngest is 3 months and the last three have all had terrible wind, they normally grow out of it by 12/15 weeks. However my hv recommended brown sugar in warm water and it really does help. Also my local children's hospital babies are given sugar water when they take blood as studies proved it helps with pain so sugar is not always a bad thing.

Queenofsiburbia Mon 12-Nov-12 09:50:23

My MIL already giving out 'advice' to people with newborns who she hardly knows. I'm due in 3 weeks & dreading the deluge!!!

So far the best is "of course the absolute worst thing you can do whilst breast feeding us to eat grapes - people brought me lots of grapes after DS2 was born & it was terribly acidic'"
Her DS2 is, if course, my DH. Last year he had an op to fix a dodgy oesophagus valve, having had very bad reflux his whole life. It's genetics, not grapes!!!
(I will obviously be pointing this out to her as kindly & politely ahem as poss when I get that pearl of wisdom offered to me in a few weeks).

All tips in politely telling people to butt out and Foxtrot Oscar when sleep deprived and stressed gratefully received hey OP?!

blackeyedsusan Mon 12-Nov-12 09:37:38

oh yes... every man and his dog has aan opinion and think it is their right to let you know... repeatedly...

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