To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

[realhousewife]

We also got together in our early twenties and had kids late, I was scared like you. Now I regret no having them much much earlier. Health problems, aged parents have become an issue.

But I have never never regretted it, they were the best thing that happened to me!

All I'd say is make absolutely sure that your partner is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Breaking up is so hard to do.

[controlpantsandgladrags]

If a doctor told you now that you were physically unable to have a child, how would you feel? Hopefully your answer will give you something to think about!

[JeanBodel]

It's such a big decision that it's easy to overthink it.

Are you a very organised sort of person who likes to have everything planned out? Because if you are, that could be contributing to your emotional response.

[featherbag]

Your DH's reaction sounds a lot like my DH, he agreed but didn't seem convinced, there were periods throughout the pregnancy when I honestly didn't dare ask him if he regretted agreeing to have a child because I was frightened of the answer. Our DS is now 5 weeks old and my DH tells me he is so, so pleased we did it, a more besotted daddy has never been seen, he's already talking about DC2!

[grovel]

Leave it to Nature.

[SingingSands]

The problem is, standing on the outside looking in, you see the sleepless nights, the drop in pay, the giving up of nights out, the domestic chores and the school run etc etc and you go "whoah! that looks hard, not sure I want to do that".

But when you are on the inside i.e. when you have a child, you realise that what you dreaded, what people teased you about giving up, is nothing. It's nothing compared to what you have gained. That's why people do it. It's not hard, it's as hard as you make it.

Of course, nobody can make the decision for you. Like someone said previously, it's easy to over-analyse the situation. Imagine instead that you found were unexpectantly pregnant. How would you feel then?

Having children sometimes is not such a big decision as you thing it's going to be.

[Whatmeworry]

Sounds like you are ready....why not leave it to nature.

Very, very few people I know regret having kids, many people I know regret not having them.

[Proudnscary]

Nice Proudnscary says: Totally understand (well I understand your personal dilemma- I didn't have a dilemma as I was mad keen to have kids). You are overthinking it but I think that's inevitable if you don't feel the natural surge of broodiness. Also I'm sure the older you get, the more you feel settled and comfortably off and set in your ways so you feel dc could upset the apple cart.

Harsh Proudnscary says: Nowhere in your OP do you mention how your potential regret (over deciding to have dc) could affect the well being of future children. You only talk about how you might have a terrible 20 years and feel trapped. It worries me that you don't say 'How awful would it be if any dc we had didn't feel loved and wanted becuase it wasn't the right decision for us'.

[Bluebell99]

I think you should get on with trying to be honest. I haven't ever heard anyone say they regretted having children. What has surprised me though is the number of people who have had fertility problems and have conceived through ivf and the like. If you are mid to late thirties you may have already left it too late. I only say that because when my children were small, I had several friends having their first baby at 40+ because they had been trying to conceive for years.

[grovel]

Very sound post from SingingSands.

I hate to bring up money in this context but I've got to say that possibility of feeling trapped etc becomes even remoter if you've got the money to throw at any problems which arise (childcare, cleaner etc).

[Esta3GG]

if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences

In a word - yes.
Like anything in life at time it can be tedious and stressful - but it is also the best fun and most rewarding experience you have ever had.
I have friends who have missed out on parenthood because they left it too late and then couldn't conceive. That is a lousy place to be - wanting to but not able to. Don't hesitate for too long.

[HowMuchIsTooMuchDietCoke]

Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools?

All that stuff just goes on around the edges of family life though, its just a distraction from the main event which is loving your child more than you thought it was possible to love, watching them grow up and interact with the world. I think you are overthinking the negatives and underthinking the positives. Try to think of it in a more balance way and then see what your instinct says.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

there is never a right time, its the most scary thing in the world to do and the responsibility is huge, I knew that if I did not have a child I would be sad and always wonder what sort of parent I would be. I have 2 now and I love them dearly but it has not been easy, I am a selfish bugger and thought life would not change too much with kids, to be honest when they were very little it didnt as we just took them with us and never made it all about them but as they got older things do change and you need to be prepared for that. It changes a relationship too as there is always someone else coming first, for both of us and we never argued until we had kids! they are teens now and we have a life back and no regrets really, dont over analyse but be prepared for it to be overwhelming, be secure in your decision and imagine yourselves in years to come both with or without children and see how you feel. we tried to imagine how life would be without them as Ds1 has put us through hell over the years and even with all that we could not imagine being without them as we knew we would spend our life wondering. life has a habit of working out for the best as my old mum says. good luck with whatever you decide, fwiw I think parents who think it through carefully often are the best ones as it is easy to jump into it (nature obliging obviously) with just a vision of a cute baby and no consideration as to what comes next.

[SomethingSuitablyWitty]

I agree with SingingSands - the things that seem so off-putting in advance are actually fine when you are right in the middle of them. It is hard to imagine that you would ever not mind having to go straight home after work; having to plan nights out well in advance; having bad nights and early starts some of the time; and all of the other things that you worry about. But you really don't. I definitely don't think it will ruin your marriage. It can be hard of course, but I would definitely say my relationship is stronger since the arrival of DD.

This might be totally wrong, but IME and looking at those around me, the men tend to be a bit more luke-warm at the TTC stage - not that they are not committed to it - but they are not always as focussed on the whole scheme as the women can be. And it may be that a somewhat stand-offish or slightly grudging agreement is the best you are going to get and it doesn't actually mean that your DH is not really on board.

[LunarRose]

I don't regret having my children but if I had my time again I wouldn't have had children, certainly not at the time I did.

I was so comfortable at the time, I was unsure whether if I carried on the way I would ever want kids. Combined with a kind of broodiness I chose to have kids there and then.

I wasn't ready. Its a tough one because I think you should wait until you really want it, although I do understand biology might mean that by then it's too late.

[timetoask]

It seems to me that you are not very convinced. I think every child born in this world should be really really wanted, being a parent is very hard work. I don't think people should have children "just in case we miss out".
What are your priorities now? Many people choose not to have children and live happy fulfilling lives.

I always wanted to have children, I love mine dearly and wouldn't be without them, but my first one has special needs and it has been and continues to be exhausting. You need to be prepared to cope with whatever nature gives you.

[TeddyRuxpin]

if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences

That only depends on how important it would be for you and your DH.

Some people have happy and fulfilled lives without children, some regret not having children, others wish they had never had children (I know a few who have admitted this).

Only you know if you are able and willing to make the sacrifices that come with having a child.

Just because children make other people happy isn't a good reason on it's own to have a child.

FWIW before having my DD if someone had told me I could never have children, it wouldn't have been the end of the world for me but now she is here, I can't imagine life without her.

[ellmum]

DH and I had been together 17 years when DD came along. Having a child, whether you've wanted one forever or whether you haven't, is an enormous change (understatement). You say you're a bit of a funny bugger, I'd say my DH is. He was never really concerned about having kids, he could have taken or left it (briefly, we spent about 7/8 years trying, without success, to conceive. Throughout this, his attitude was 'if it happens, it happens') and I was a bit anxious about how he would deal with having someone else to think about. I would say DH probably is the least paternal person I have met! He doesn't really like children, he's quite selfish and likes to do what he wants when he wants (he does have good points too, but they're not relevant to this!!). But he is just the most wonderful Dad to DD. It's amazing really, totally unexpected. Plus, he has been quite ill since DD was really young (various ops and on going nastiness!) and even with that, but he's still great with DD. Having spent a large proportion of my life thinking I would never have children, and having pretty much come to terms with that, I have to say if I knew then what I know now, I would have done ANYTHING to have children. And I say that as someone who was happy without, genuinely happy. But the happiness I feel now is just out of this world. It's like life has been turned from black and white into colour.

[Deliaskis]

I could have written your post OP, about 18 months ago. DH and had umm-ed and ah-ed for years about it.

And then we had an 'accident', and were so vvvvv excited about it that it seemed like that was our answer right there.

I really struggled with the first 3 months and many many times thought it was the worst decision we had made (reflux baby and PND etc.), but she's 9 months now, and I can't imagine not having her. I don't know when it happened, but the house feels empty when she's not in it now, I miss her when I'm at work, and am so excited about what's to come.

I was never a maternal type, had no strong yearning, and felt like if I ever did have a baby, it would be because I felt I 'ought' IYSWIM, but I am so glad I did. It's hard to figure out how or why, but suddenly this little girl just who was a surprised, then a real actual shock to the system (when she was born), now just owns my heart completely.

FWIW, I think it had to have been an accident for us (maybe it was a subconscious one?), as I don't think we would ever have said 'yes let's have a baby, we're ready', we would have procrastinated and ended up leaving it too late.

D

[choceyes]

Well I have two small DCs and life is pretty tough. Much much harder than I thought was possible. Before kids I didn't really know many people with kids and didn't know the reality of it. Which when they are small atleast, is relentless exhaustion, sleep deprived nights, managing ill children whilst trying to hold down a job, never having time to yourself etc etc. My relationship with DH has suffered immensely. So many times we have been on the verge of breaking up.
One child is totally managable and life with one was great and didn't really change our lifestyles much. but when you have 2 or 3, then in my expriences it gets much much tougher.
I think a lot depends on whether you have family nearby to help out if needed. We don't and it really makes life difficult.
At the moment, it is about 90% hard work and 10% enjoyment. I'm hoping the amount of enjoyment goes up soon when they are older.

I don't regret having them, as I love them very much and if I never had them I'd be wondering what life would be like and sad that I didn't have children.
I don't agree that very very few parents regret having children. I read an article not long ago which said nearly 30% of mums regretted having kids. I can't remember when or where I read it....maybe I even dreamt it!

[Rikalaily]

What you are feeling is completely normal! I think everyone gets the jitters when they are ttc, even if it's not thier first. It's terrifying and exciting when you get your first BFP, all of a sudden it's really happening and you have 9 months until the event that will change your life forever...

Then they are born and you hold them for the first time and it is totally overwhelming. By the time they are a week old you can't remember what life was like without them and you couldn't imagine life without them.

I've been scared when ttc all 4 of mine and really scared when I got the BFP's and had a few 'have we done the right thing?' moments, I think it's normal as everything seems uncertain until they are actually here. We are considering ttc no.5 atm and I'm really worried, just like I usually am - Will I be able to cope, will we have the room, will we manage financially, will I ever get out from under this mountain of laundry etc etc, but I know if we do go ahead I could never regret it.

[Harecare]

I've always wanted children and saw having a family as my main goal in life - sad, but true, the rest was all on the sidelines. After visiting my as yet childless friend the other week I was very jealous of her lifestyle, but still wouldn't swap. She's 35, so the clock is ticking I guess, but she's quite happy as she is for now.
Children aren't the be all and end all for everyone. If I couldn't have my own kids I'd adopt. Would you? If the answer is no, then maybe it's just not so important to you. Which is no bad thing.

[valiumredhead]

Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools?

All that stuff just goes on around the edges of family life though, its just a distraction from the main event which is loving your child more than you thought it was possible to love, watching them grow up and interact with the world. I think you are overthinking the negatives and underthinking the positives. Try to think of it in a more balance way and then see what your instinct says

Yes I agree. I also think there are very few people who actually regret having kids. The only thing I regret is not being able to have more than one child, but nowt I can do about that and I am eternally grateful for my little man :)

[choceyes]

I think not having children should be a perfectly acceptable and normal lifestyle choice. It is still regarded as "odd" when couples chose not to have children. I think in the future we will see lots more couples making this choice.
I feel sometimes society pressurises you to have children. I certinaly felt the pressure and I wasn't even broody and I TTC for nearly 2yrs to have my DC1. It's a lot to do with peer pressure.
If most people I knew had no children, I think I'd have been happy without them too.

[Chandon]

If you are happy, and you have a happy relationship, having children will be most probably a happy occasion.

If you have niggling doubts about your DP being "the one". If you you feel unsatisfied in your life, and if you feel life is generally unfair, having children will not fill these gaps.

For me, having children means that everything is more intense. The bad stuff like the sleepless nights, the worries and terrors of motherhood your experience when your child is ill or hurt, the fact you no longer are the most important person your own life are balanced out by the intense love and happiness that are also part of being a parent. And I say that as someone who had hard pregnancies (my back went, I had various problems) and PND!