about this work issue?

[SecretSlattern]

My friend was appointed as a deputy manager of a nursery and was finding it hard to implement essential changes in line with the EYFS. The owner and manager have very little child care knowledge and basically the nursery were breaking rules left, right and centre. She was very upset about it but didn't feel she could leave the nursery because things were so bad.

A situation arose with the manager and she subsequently left (can't go into details for confidentiality reasons), so my friend was promoted to manager and asked me to help out for a "few days or until Ofsted turned up".

I agreed to do this, I am on mat leave from my job and DD2 was, at this time 4 weeks old. I was able to bring her to the nursery with me which was the reason I was able to help out. The initial agreement was that I would act as her deputy for the inspection or that the owner would employ a suitable person for the job.

As much as I was happy to help them out, I now feel that 3 months later, it's getting too much and I am being relied upon too much. I feel now like I am obliged to go in every day and actually "work" there. I was offered a full time job which I declined, I have 3 DC, one of which is in school so working full time is not do-able for me at the moment. I was then offered a part time position to start next year when I have completed my degree and EYPS qualifications. I agreed to think about it (I was offered way more money than I am getting in my current job) and then verbally agreed to the position. The job wouldn't be starting until April 2011.

However, now I have to ring in if I'm not going to be in, I've been given a key group of children which I am supposed to plan and do development files on. If I'm not there, it doesn't get done. I'm treated as though I am actually employed there and I'm not!

Anyway, to cut this long story short, I agreed to the job but I have come to realise that it is simply not do-able. I can't cope with 3DCs, the housework, making sure everything is done, plus my degree and EYPS studies on top of going to a "job" that I'm technically not employed in. DH is making noises about the state of the house, I feel exhausted all the time, to the point where I can't find the energy to do anything with the DCs. In addition, my mum recently had a heart attack and I feel she needs a bit of looking after, which, as I am on maternity leave, I could be doing.

I don't want to go back to the nursery and I'm finding myself making excuses to get out of it. I have said that as I am only helping out, I will come in if they are desperate or as and when I can but this apparently isn't good enough.

so, AIBU to not go back, explaining my reasons as I have done here, or should I suck it up and carry on?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

YANBU to not want to go back, you would be a tiny bit U not to go back. IIWY, I would give them a date when you will 'leave'. Ensure that they advertise for someone to fill your position and don't apologise. You were doing your friend a favour and you've been taken advantage of IMO.
Good luck.

[SecretSlattern]

Thanks Kreecher, that's kind of how I feel tbh which was why I wanted to check

[seenyertoeslately]

I agree with kreecher - they are taking advantage. You're not employed by them and you don't want to work there. If you're on mat leave, don't you have a job to go back to anyway? Or did I miss something?

[Sullwah]

not clear form your post - are you being paid?

[Plumm]

You're all a lot nicer than me - I would just leave. They've taken advantage of you and it's making you and your family miserable.

[SecretSlattern]

Yes, I do have a job to go back to but I am paid a helluva lot less than I was being offered for this new job. With the new job, I would be recognised as holding a degree, reflected in the pay. However, I like my poorly paid job and it is so convenient for school etc.

Yes, I do receive some money each week from the nursery but it is not a wage iyswim (it's well, well below minimum wage), just about covers travelling expenses each week (and I don't receive any maternity pay - long, long story!)

[Rosedee]

For a start tell your dh is just as capable of doing housework and tell your friend that you don't work there so you will stop coming in as struggling to keep upwith things and as it's a verbal agreement of employment then you aren't obligated at all surely? Assume you haven't handed in notice at old job yet? Just explain you have decided to stick with current employment.

[Sullwah]

If you are not getting paid properly - then they are really being taken advantage

I would put a stop to this ASAP

[flowerybeanbag]

Not sure why the dilemma tbh. You are working for less than minimum wage in a job you don't like and don't need. Why even think of carrying on? If you're feeling guilty give them a week's notice or something rather than literally not turning up, but don't carry on as you are.

[doesthismatter]

I am not even sure what you are doing is legal/appropriate. I would expect people working in a nursery (where the parents are paying for care I assume) to be employed on some formal basis - even if it is casual employment, with proper wages etc with CRB checks etc etc. You seem to be getting money cash in hand without any proper paperwork at all. Or have I misread this? Are they describing you to parents as "staff" or as some sort of work experience/trainee?

[fedupwithdeployment]

If you took them to the Employment Tribunal you could possibly have a claim for unpaid wages...unlikely that they could claim that you weren't entitled to the NMW.

[SecretSlattern]

The money is more of a gesture tbh, I did say I didn't want to be paid because a) I already have a job and b) I didn't want to mess around my tax credits for something that was only meant to be helping a friend out for a short period of time.

My dilemma is that a) I don't want to let my friend down and b) I would like to just not go back which I think is the U part of it.

doesthismatter, I have been introduced to the parents as a member of staff, again for reasons I can't go into for confidentiality purposes. I am qualified (Foundation Degree in Early Years Childcare and Education) and I am cleared by CRB (came through last month). Everything else is proper with the exception of payment, as for the reasons above, I didn't want to be paid iyswim. Don't get me wrong, the extra money has come in handy but I'm not at a point where I need it or my familiy relies on it.

Rosedee, I am not handing in my notice to my current job having decided to stay where I am. The only perk to the 'new' job was the money. Where I work currently, I am happy all bar the money iyswim.

[SecretSlattern]

Also, I might have worded it wrongly, but DH does do his bit wrt housework and childcare at home. He has been doing the night shift with DD2 for the past 2 weeks as I'm just too tired to do anything bar the bare minimum.

I don't want to go to a tribunal or anything like that, I just don't want to help out anymore! I'd like to enjoy what's left of my mat leave with DD2 and concentrate on sorting out my house and doing my degree work.

[doesthismatter]

So you are basically a volunteer (a well qualified and CRB checked one) whose expenses are being paid. But you are being described as staff and given staff duties. I am still not sure this is appropriate and I would not continue on this basis. Best to just let them know it is not working and give them till the end of the week or next week at the latest.

[zipzap]

Have you actually signed anything regarding the new job?

Not sure if it makes a difference, but if you have I would write a letter to say that you are no longer in a position to take up the new job and therefore resigning from it which I think you can do even before you start.

It sounds like they have changed your conditions there bit by bit and it's changed very much from what you went there to do originally.

DOn't suck it up and carry on as you are missing your maternity leave at home and spending time bonding with your new baby and also havinga chance to spend time helping your mum. Both of these things a re precious and you're not going to be able to do them at a later date.

You have helped out the nursery a significant amount at very little cost to them and at a big personal cost in time and effort to you.

If you have been telling them that you don't want to do these things and are willing to help out occasionally then what is the worst that can happen if you tell the nursery owner that as of the end of this week you are no longer goign to continue helping out as of the end of this week. Do you know of any agencies that provide nursery helpers - if you do, you could take the details in with you and give them to the manager so she can't claim she is being left in the lurch as she will be able to get agency staff in. If it costs her lots then so be it - she has saved loads by having you there!

If they make noises about the kids and their development plans etc just keep telling that that they knew you were there temporarily and that you weren't even contemplating doing the part time thing until next spring as per the agreement. Particularly now your mum has been ill you can say circumstances have changed, you only agreed to help out for a short time, you have been there for months not weeks and sorry, but now you have to go.

If you have to say anything to parents, well you can still be a member of staff but only there for a short period of time - you can just say that you were only ever there as a bridge to get through tricky times but that you have already stayed for longer than you should have.

after all - what's the worst that can happen - she can fire you on the spot and bingo - you're no longer going to go in

Guess it also depends how good your friendship is with the firend that got you in there - but she isn't being a good friend to you if you are so obviously exhausted adn unhappy and they are ignoring what you are saying, given that you are there to help out rather than being a proper employee.

Finally - once you go - how do you think the kids in the nursery are - maybe the nursery would be better off in the long run if it did have an ofsted inspection sooner rather than later so it would give the owner a kick up the backside about what is needed...

[zipzap]

Take a letter in today or tomorrow - making sure it goes into the hands of the manager so she can't claim she hasn't read it, outlining why you will no longer be available to help them out from the start of next week.

Be prepared to work on friday so the kids can say goodbye and you can be free from then.

Don't think you need to feel guilty, they should for taking advantage of you and not getting anything more permanent set up.

[SecretSlattern]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I meant to come back earlier, but RL took over!

I have spoken to my friend tonight and told her that I don't plan on coming back. I could tell she was a bit narked, so we have reached a compromise; I will cover her for 2 hours a week so she can do her paperwork and I will step in when Ofsted turn up, as per our original agreement. I will see how it goes but I feel so relieved to know that I don't have to go everyday and take responsibility for development files etc. I am also excited about spending some time with my baby and making sure the house is nice for us all.

Thank you once again, I am pleased I asked on AIBU whether or not I was BU