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AIBU?

to dread the idea that DP might one day have to make an important decision about my or DD's life ......

45 replies

FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 10:30

Big of a rant but I'm also seriously questioning my relationship (and am also very hormonal) .....

Our car needed £2k spent to get an MOT so it had to go. We were advised to put it into an auction as it would fetch a few quid, being essentially a good car. Great mechanic fixer upper etc.

The car sold last night - on it's 5th auction. I left DP to take care of the sale etc but it didn't sell initially - I couldn't figure out why. After the 4th auction he tells me he put a reserve of £750 on it!!!!!! DP eventually reduced the reserve to £400 & car sold for £475. He was originally told by the garage he'd "get about £500 in an auction" so the experts were spot on. Pity DP choose to ignore them and think he knows better. Great I say so after commission we'll get over £400 - good step towards a new car. Except NO - there is a £30 per auction charge. 5 auctions x £30 = £150.

PLUS as it took 2 weeks to sell he has to pay another months insurance £50, plus another months parking permit we don't get refunded - about £10. So because he decided against expert advice and my opinion, to put a reserve on of £750 AND LEFT THAT RESERVE ON FOR FOUR AUCTIONS (I am shouting) we get less than half what we would have.

It's not a huge amount of money - really not a big deal. EXCEPT I now think he's a total moron. How did I not know this about him before??? I have been trying to figure out exactly what his thought process was, how did he make these decisions? The conclusion I keep coming back to is he ignored expert opinion and advice, ignored me, ignored simple mathematical sums, and put the car into the auction with a stupid unobtainable and unrealisitic reserve price, knowing full well that selling at auction was pretty much the only option left for the car.

So he took all that information and made the worlds stupidest decisions - one after another, all the while avoiding my questions, avoiding mentioning costs other than the sales commission of 10%. OK, so put it in at £750, but then knowing you were charged £30 per auction wouldn't you lower the reserve the first time it didn't sell???? Would anyone with a modicum of intelligence leave it in there for FOUR auctions??? And he didn't tell me about all this until last night when the information drip drip dripped it's way to me.

I can't even look at him at the moment. I am seriously questioning his intelligence, thought processes and ability to make a reasoned decision. God forbid he would ever have to make an important decision about/for me or DD. I do not trust him to do so. I just think he's moronic - and that is dreadful. It's not like I had him up on a pedastal or anything before, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think this simple task would be handled much better than it was. Or at least to see a little logic applied to the decision making process. He won't talk about it further without getting grumpy now.

He's done similar things at work a few times. Been in full knowledge of certain facts and then made on the spot decisions ignoring every fact that HE KNOWS making a stupid decision that is swiftly revealed to be completely wrong and he looks really bloody stupid.

I accepted early on that I would have to handle family finances etc as it's far from his strong point, but now I feel as If I have to do everything & I hate it. And I also want some kind of legal paperwork in place so he can't make any important decisions about my life should I fall ill. I simply don't trust his decision making process.

AIBU to be so fucked off about this? And how do I stop looking at him and seeing someone I just don't know (or even worse, don't want to know)?

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GypsyMoth · 29/09/2010 10:37

well as he's a dp and not a dh,then what important decisions could he legally ever make??

he sounds like a chancer....and a greedy one

and if you're considering 'legal paperwork' and taking such offence over this,then i'd be questioning a future with him to be honest

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conkie · 29/09/2010 10:39

YANBU I would have went mad as well

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Hedgeblunder · 29/09/2010 10:44

Is he generally a nice bloke though?
Mines great but I recently caught him trying to fill an iron up with water from the tap that had frayed wires and was plugged in and turned on, while stretching across the kitchen with a boiling hot iron in his hand.

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 10:53

Yes he's a DP not a DH - I've never had any desire to get married or it might have happened. I don't know what legal rights common law partners have - must investigate.

hedge thanks for reminding me. Yes he has many many great qualities & is above all a fantastic and devoted father. And generally a sweet & kind partner too. I guess I feel like anything important for our family, nuts & bolts stuff, comes down to me to sort out/organise/decide & that is exhausting & not how I imagined it would be. And it's not like it's what I'm particulalry good at either, but if I don't do it it won't happen. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

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Hedgeblunder · 29/09/2010 10:56

I'm in the exact same position

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/09/2010 10:57

Perhaps he was scared to tell you? I have a fantastic, educated DH who is as thick as mince sometimes. I don't worry about him making decisions about DD, but, we do have very different views about euthanasia and my advanced directive is with my GP and our solicitor (not much use in Belgium though).
If you are genuinely concerned about this, I would appoint someone to act in your best interests (parent or friend). Talk to him about it though.

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wannabesybil · 29/09/2010 11:00

No such thing as common law partners rights.

Make sure wills are in place, make sure pension provisions are in place, make sure insurances etc are all clear who is nominated in the event of a worst case scenario.

Depending on age of children, DP may not have parental responsibility for children and be unable to make a decision. He may be unable to make a decision for you.

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 11:06

he does have parental responsibility for DD - you get that simply by being on the birth certificate.

Ed Milliband probably doesn't have PR, though I'm sure he could sell a 2nd hand car without making a pigs ear of it Grin

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Ingles2 · 29/09/2010 11:10

Mojo I get what you are saying honestly....
but imagine if this was reversed and he was talking about you... would you want to be in a relationship with him?
Would you think this is an acceptable way for him to talk / feel about you?
I think you should seriously reconsider your relationship because it seems to me like you have no respect at all for your dp

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 11:17

yes ingles that is pretty much where I am at today. I need to find a way to recover that respect because at the moment I've lost it. Possibly I need more than he is able to give.

Then again I am very hormonal (being pregnant), and can see an element of overreaction on my part. He does have many good qualities also, but I've just got MORON flashing in big red lights today. It's very upsetting.

Sometimes I just need a bit of time to process stuff & work though it.

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Morloth · 29/09/2010 11:19

Sounds like he screwed up, I screw up sometimes, it happens.

A bit much to expect people to never mess things up.

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DiscoDaisy · 29/09/2010 11:25

FindingMyMojo - It depends when your DD was born as to whether your DP has PR or not.

As for the car you know men are the only ones who know anything about cars and auctions. Us little women don't know a thing about that subject! Grin

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 11:26

thanks morloth - I think you're right.. Now I just need to FEEL you're right & move on

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 11:35

A very dear friend of mine just sent me this message, which I want to add into the mix:

"It's the biggest human challenge to accept one another even though we can't understand one another at all sometimes, and it seems we choose partners who will take us to the limits.

All I can think is that there is stuff that goes on in his head that he's not yet conscious of that overrides clear thinking. We can't always understand luv, all we can do is accept, as fucking hard as that is! "

He's a wise man & he knows DP quite well.

I think the thing I'm finding so very hard, is I just can't understand what went on in his head - it is beyond my comprehension & I struggle with accepting that.

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Snorbs · 29/09/2010 11:42

Crikey OP, there's so much anger coming from you over something so relatively trivial. It's not that big a deal. No-one's died. It's genuinely not the end of the world. He just sold a car, that's all. He didn't make the "world's stupidest decisions", he took a chance in the lottery that is a car auction and it didn't pay off. You're out a couple of hundred quid.

Given your extreme reaction I can well understand why he was so reluctant to tell you. Do you always fly off the handle like this whenever he does something that you feel is wrong? What do you feel gives you the right to insist that a grown-up does everything the way you want him to and, if he doesn't, that you are then justified in berating him like this?

You mention the few occasions when he's taken a decision at work that hasn't panned out. That's life. It happens. Have you balanced that with the amount of times he's taken a decision at work that has worked out for the better? Have you considered that, maybe, on some occasions in your life you have made a decision that hasn't worked out? Would you feel you were being fairly treated if he then exploded at you the way you have here?

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Onetoomanycornettos · 29/09/2010 11:44

If this is the worst mistake he ever makes, and is kind and loving, then he's not that bad, really. I can understand being pissed off, you've lost money and that's not nice, but you also sound a bit stressed/hormonal, and perhaps not that easy to live with right now. He probably didn't dare tell you, as he guessed your reaction.

People make decisions, sometimes they suck, perhaps he is a bit of an idiot on this occasion, but you do need to move on over this one, and as for letting it change 'everything', that's the hormones talking...

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 12:01

snorbs I did say the work decisions were in the face of all information/evidence to the contrary - not from me but from his boss/colleagues. Which is why I question his decision making processes. I've also been very clear that the money aspect of this really doesn't bother me. And I haven't exploded at him - I've exploded here so I can work it all out in my head before I talk to him further about it, if indeed I do.

It's complicated by the fact he's working late every night this week & I'm in bed by 9 most nights at the moment, so we're a bit ships in the night.

onetoomany I am stressed & hormonal indeed.

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 12:02

sorbs and I do think it's quite clear that in the face of all the information he had re the auction and the car, he made the stupidest decisions possible for that scenario.

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minipie · 29/09/2010 12:03

I think it really depends on how often he does something you think is really stupid.

My DH occasionally makes decisions that are completely illogical, idiotic even. (I do too of course, everyone does). But it doesn't happen very often. So I'm happy to trust him to make decisions knowing that 19 out of 20 times he'd do the sensible thing.

If however 2 out of every 3 decisions he made were stupid, I would have rather more of an issue.

It's not clear from your OP which category your DP falls into.

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DancingHippoOnAcid · 29/09/2010 12:05

MASSIVE overreaction, OP.

OK, he was a bit daft and lost you a bit of money.

We all do daft things in our lives. I have done dafter things than this. So has DH.

And if DH reacted in this way I would tell him to stick it up his a**e.

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 12:09

dancinghippo yep I would too Grin

minipie he very rarely makes decisions. I think it's middle child in a large family syndrome.

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marantha · 29/09/2010 12:15

No such thing as common-law-partners, the government can't just inflict legal rights and responsibilities on people just because they live together in a relationship.


It would be illiberal and take away people's freedom of choice. Think about it.

An unmarried couple -if wishing to have legal ties- have to go out of their way to make them themselves e.g. naming each other as beneficiaries in wills, joint mortgages and so on.

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FindingMyMojo · 29/09/2010 12:27

thanks marantha - it's very different in NZ where I am from. After 2 years you're practically treated as married and have rights to half property etc unless expressly & legally agreed otherwise. I've lived in UK long enough though but actually had no idea about my rights/obligations here.

May appoint wise friend as my "voice" should I be incapacitated - my family are too far away.

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DancingHippoOnAcid · 29/09/2010 12:37

Sounds like he is a bit on the dizzy side and must be exasperating at times, but on the whole he is a keeper! Grin

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Heracles · 29/09/2010 12:50

Blimey, it's only money.

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