to not visit my friend?

[missmoopy]

(sorry long post)
I have been friends with her for 20 years. We used to live together. She and her partner have always been slack on hygeine and cleanliness, and now they have moved to a much bigger house I can't stand it.
I hate visiting as I end up cleaning the bathroom and kitchen as soon as I walk in - I am not a clean freak by any measure - the house really is filthy (think Kim and Aggy). I have to clear a room to make a bed for me and my dd. I feel uncomfortable all weekend.
I haven't visited for almost a year after visiting regularly for years. We have met up for day trips etc which is fine, I do still enjoy her company. I don't know what to do. She is very stubborn and whilst I keep thinking I should just tell her why I am not visiting her I know it would upset her, but then my constant excuses not to visit must also be upsetting her....? Help.
Do I just keep putting her off, meet for days etc or do I bite the bullet and tell her, and risk a long friendship??

[LucyLouLou]

Is it risking your or your DDs health? If so, I would say something, in a very nice way. If it's just a bit of harmless dust and clutter, it's less of an issue isn't it?

[thisisyesterday]

hmm well if it really is kim and aggie standard then she must KNOW that it is filthy?
I really don't know... there must be a nice way of saying it- i think it's worth saying

maybe if you are up for it you could offer to come and help clean up a bit?
how do you think she would take it if you told her the truth? i have friends who i think i would be able to say that too if they had a filthy house, and others who would fall apart

[KERALA1]

Dont say anything stick with the daytrips.

[create]

I always think the Kim and Aggie people must have other problems. When a house gets to that state, it's not just laziness surely there must be mental health/depression issues?

Has your friend always been like this?

[missmoopy]

Lucylou, It really is filthy. Proper filth.
She must know, but just talks about it being a mess. I cleaned the kitchen for TWO HOURS last time and felt I have to apologise for doing so! I clean everytime.

thisis, I think she would have a huge strop and may never speak to me again - or she could take it on the chin - she is quite hard to gauge at times. She has fallen out with family over smaller issues. But at same time, I feel I am biting my tongue every time she asks us to visit. I also think my refusals are starting to upset her.

[thisisyesterday]

hmmm how well do you know the partner? could you mention it to him?

[missmoopy]

I have known him as long, but he is as bad, if not worse as her. She blames him, he blames her. It really is a situation I feel totally stuck by - I don't know what to do for the best. My dh hasn't been to their new house and keps saying we should go, but really, it is filthy.

[DetectivePotato]

I would stick with the day trips. Hard to think of a reason if she asks why you aren't staying at hers anymore. She must notice that you clean her house when you go there. She can't be that dim as not to work out that you don't like it.

Can you invite them to yours instead?

I don't see how you can go to someones house and tell them how filthy it is without them taking offense. If they are blaming each other, they already know about it.

[thisisyesterday]

tough one

i think i would feel compelled to say something, especially if she is becoming upset at your excuses not to visit

i dunno, i guess i might arrange to meet up with them both (maybe with your dh too if you think that might help?) and just ask them if they'd like you to do anything? say you don't feel comfortable staying with them if you have to clean up first and that you;d love to help them get it sorted out

obviously that only works if you would be happy to go and help them out though

[chipmonkey]

Tbh, my Mum is a bit like this, she used to blame us but when we all left home it became clear that it was her!

But anytime anyone says anything to her she gets seriously offended. And she doesn't like it when people, other than me and my dsis start cleaning up around her. She takes it v. personally.

I wouldn't say anything. I would go for day trips but just not stay.

[DuelingFanjo]

describe the filth, what is it like?

[missmoopy]

The filth is filth. Piles of dirty pots, very dirty floor, inches of muck and dust on surfaces, food remnants, dirty sink and toilet, nowhere hoovered for what appears to be weeks/months(?), smelly bedding....need i go on?

I would be more than happy to help them and as said in my post I frequently have spent a lot of time cleaning their home. They blame the filth on them seeing no point in keeping it clean while doing work on a house - this is not just building mess - and they also blame each other. I think essentially both lazy.

[DomesticG0ddess]

Sounds gross. I wouldn't want to stay there either. She must know what you think anyway if you are always cleaning when you go there, but doesn't care enough to change things. I mean, who wants their friend to come over and start cleaning their house? I would be really embarrassed, and my house isn't spotless by all means.

So as she is probably well aware you don't like it, I think you should just go one step further and when she invites you again, just say that you find it too dirty and would she like to come and stay with you instead. I don't see how she could be in a massive strop with you for saying it, but is quite happy for you to clean her kitchen for 2 hours when you come and visit!! So, I would risk it.

[missmoopy]

domesticgoddess, I am 99% certain she will have a huge strop. She is stubborn beyond belief!

Our house isn't big enough for visitors or I would happily have them to stay. It would be perfect solution, but not an option.

[DomesticG0ddess]

But she must know how you feel, don't you think? Can you talk about it in a jokey kind of way?

Or could you say that you'll stay when the building work is finished? That would be fair enough and then see if the situation improves.

[missmoopy]

She must know, yes, but does she care? I do wonder. I would be mortified if someone cleaned my house everytime they visited.

I don't think she would take it well, however I said it. I was planning - if I do tell her - to send an email explaining things as I think it would be best way to get point across without sounding rude or cruel. I do not want this to end our friendship but I feel like I can't keep making excuses.

[RunawayWife]

I would not go, I could not go in to a dirty house

[DomesticG0ddess]

Yes it would be easier by email. If she doesn't care about the filth then she shouldn't resent you for pointing it out, and if she doesn't care that you don't like staying in it, then really I think you have to question how much she values your friendship! Perhaps she keeps wanting you to come and stay because she knows you'll do a fair bit of cleaning . Good luck!

[missmoopy]

I haven't decided what to do yet....going to try and ignore/avoid further invites for a bit longer and see...[avoiding confrontation emoticon]!

[DomesticG0ddess]

What about the "not while building works are on" idea?

[missmoopy]

The building work will never be done. They are perpetual house 'do-er uppers'!
Every excuse I give she will have an answer, which will lead to more excuses.....aaaggghhh

[Sidge]

So she's happy enough for you to spend hours cleaning her house when you do visit, but will chuck a strop if you actually verbalise that her house is filthy?

That makes no sense - she must know it's gross or you wouldn't be cleaning it, so why would telling her be such a big deal?

Just say to her - I don't want to come and stay because I don't want to have to clean before I can sleep there.

[bumder]

You can't not go - who would do her cleaning