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AIBU?

to not let my neighbour's 5 year old son in to play?

26 replies

walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:00

I have three children of my own - aged 9, 6 and 4 and this afternoon had two of their friends around to play in the garden.

Then my neighbour's 9 year old son asked if he could come to play as well. He's a very sensible boy and a really good influence on my stroppy 9 year old son - so he came to play as well.

Then his nightmare 5 year old brother came a knocking as well. Given that I was outside hoovering my car and not able to adequately supervise him (he and my 6 year old son have a love-hate relationship) I said no, sorry.

My 6 year old son struggles with friendships as he's ADHD and this other little boy is very spoiled and babied by his parents and is a complete nightmare.

Was I mean? Frankly I thought 6 children were enough!

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maddy68 · 01/09/2010 17:02

yanbu at all - I have often done the same thing :)

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notalone · 01/09/2010 17:04

I think because he was the 9 year olds brother, it probably did seem a bit mean. If I were his parents I would be a bit Hmm that you allowed only one of my children over to play. The love hate relationship would probably have been diluted by the presence of the other children so under the circumstances I do feel you were a little bit unreasonable.

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Fimbo · 01/09/2010 17:06

You have to make a stance once in a while, I didn't and ended up with my neighbours 2 in my garden or house nearly every day last summer holidays and then again after school. The mother is now not speaking because I slowly withdrew. Also I used to pick the youngest daughter up along with my own ds and my friend's dd and because my friend's dd was coming in my house before her mother came for her the neighbour and her daughter thought it was the girl's automatic right to come in too.

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:08

Ah but the thing is my kids are never allowed over there to play! And they quite freely admit that their son is a nightmare. Had I been out there to supervise and negotiate then I wouldn't have minded so much - but I wasn't.

And tbh his parents were nowhere to be seen! They've gone shopping before and left their older son here - at tea time when I was alone with them all.

I'm all for sharing childcare but it does seem as if they're always here. The compliment is never returned.

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colditz · 01/09/2010 17:08

So you had two 9 year olds, a 6 year old, a 4 year old and 2 friends of unspecified ages ... but one of next door's children wasn't allowed to join in.

I can see why you didn't want to, but my Christ, that's mean!

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Asdashopper · 01/09/2010 17:09

Poor boy Sad

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laloony · 01/09/2010 17:10

doesnt matter if you were unreasonable or not, its still a very very horrid uncomfortable feeling turning them away isnt it. You are evry brave.

I get why you did it, but its upsetting the way you describe the boy. Its very difficult isnt it. i still think that all things considered yanbu.

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Fimbo · 01/09/2010 17:10

Yip blackbird, same here. I can count on my hand the amount of times my dc have ever been in my neighbours. I actually booked a holiday last October so we would not be around....

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:13

Well, they're all out playing in our front garden now - and that's fine. I don't mind that. I just don't want to take responsibility for such a young child when I know that he can be difficult. Particularly when I wasn't there to supervise/intervene.

In total there were 3 x 9 year olds, 2 x 6 year olds and my 4 year old daughter.

It's great that they're all such good friends but they've been here pretty much every day through the school holidays.

And his parents never have mine there.

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AmazingBouncingFerret · 01/09/2010 17:16

If I wasnt indoors to supervise then I would of kicked the whole lot of them into the garden so they could all play and then nobody feels left out.

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QS · 01/09/2010 17:18

Yanbu.

The child is the responsibility of his parents. THEY should ascertain where both their children are, and upon realizing one was playing at the neighbours, ensured their other child was suitably entertained/supervised.

You had your hands full.

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:19

I do feel a bit mean but I know that he and my 6 year old have a volatile relationship. My son struggles with friendships and because of his early trauma (my three are adopted) and his ADHD and this other little boy's behavioural problems I would have to be there to supervise. And I wasn't.

Still, alls well at the moment. They're all playing nicely together - for now - on the front lawn.

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jendaisy · 01/09/2010 17:20

Ooh I got absolutely lynched on here once for calling a 5 year old friend of dd's a nightmare, apparently I must be mentally unstable, so watch out - the rubber van may be coming to get you too.

YANBU btw. It's your home, not a creche.

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QS · 01/09/2010 17:20

However, you should not have let ONE child in, you should have refused both entry, saying "sorry, X and Y are having playdates over". It is quite common to not let neighbouring children in when playdates are in progress.

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:22

I'm not saying anything about this little boy that his own parent's don't say! They struggle with his behaviour - and I do know how that feels because my son has ADHD and their behaviours are very similar. Thankfully my son is now on medication which helps him to cope.

I thought that managing 7 children by myself was rather a lot to cope with.

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 17:23

Not strictly playdates. The boys live across the field and just come round! They're in school together and so have known each other since babies.

I do get what you're saying though

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jendaisy · 01/09/2010 17:27

Yep dd's friend's parents thought their child was a nightmare too...hence always trying to offload her onto me Grin

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seeker · 01/09/2010 17:28

If a groupd of children at school left a mumsnetter's child out we would all be up in arms about the unfairness. But in this case we are saying that it's absolutely fine for the OP to let everyone else play but not this one little boy.

Well, I don't think it is OK. I would have taken the 5 year old to his brother and said "X wants to play with Y - you know they some times fall out. Please could you keep an eye on them and come and get me if there seems to be a problem."

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porncocktail · 01/09/2010 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 01/09/2010 18:20

YANBU. You can invite whoever you like into your home or exclude them as you wish.

So, you're considered mean by some. If the child were less of a nightmare you may well have been more accommodating. Not your problem.

You could always do as I do and say simply that you are not prepared to have any other children in your home unless they are those of visiting adult friends. :)

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GypsyMoth · 01/09/2010 18:23

both or none??

i have 5 dc and would no way expect them ALL to be invited in!! ridiculous

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colditz · 01/09/2010 18:36

but would you allow just one to be left out? On their own? WHile the others went to play?

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nancydrewrocked · 01/09/2010 18:40

I agree both or none in these circumstances.

If there were 3 other sibblings at home then fine but leaving out one boy is a bit...mean.

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Lancelottie · 01/09/2010 18:42

Yep. If the left-out-one was the younger, and a real pain, certainly.

DD would like to move in with our neighbours. She's always round there. I'm happy to have the older one (her age) back, but find I'm not on the ball enough for the little one as well. Isn't that just how it goes with siblings?

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walesblackbird · 01/09/2010 19:05

Thank you for your advice - I do appreciate it. As I said I did feel a bit mean and realised quite quickly that I could have handled it better.

I suppose I wouldn't have asked otherwise!

They did all play together for a long time - on the front garden - and the only one being left out then was my middle son. But that's another story.

I do though find it a little unfair that my kids don't get invited back - my 6 year old has never been there (probably for the same reason as their son wasn't invited in today!) - but my 9 year old has only been invited in once while we've had their older son here all day, fed him and even had him sleep here.

You live and learn - next time I will handle it better.

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