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AIBU?

to not want everyone to visit within minutes of me giving birth

82 replies

nattiecake · 31/08/2010 16:53

My DH and mum will (hopefully!) be with me for the birth. My dad will prob not be around at all as he will be starting work in Scotland soon (babas due in 4.5 weeks)

However when my nephew (DH's brothers son) was born, we all piled in to the delivery room about 10 mins after he was born. Not having any children then, it didnt occur to me that she would not want people there quite so soon after labour!!

I told my DH today that I want him to make sure that just me and him get some time with the baby straight after hes born, and that I dont want six million visitors before i even have chance to meet my baby myself. Especially as i want to breastfeed him and want chance to get used to doing this.

However I got the impression that he thought i was being very selfish (he obviously wouldnt say as much to a heavily pregnant lady, lol), and also made a point of saying "do you expect my mum to just leave after hes born, or is it different cause shes your mum?"

I do mean that i just want it to be lierally the two of us, for a short while at least, but I do also think that I would be much more comfy "bonding" with my mum and sisters being around than my inlaws and their extended family....

AIBU? and wheres the middle ground? ideally I'd like them to wait til we're home and hopefully even settled in (assuming all goes to plan) but i know that his family will be comparing this to last time, and i dont want anyone thinking im being precious, but i want time alone to get to know my first child....

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expatinscotland · 31/08/2010 16:56

YANBU.

Make it very clear to the midwives that you do NOT want visitors in the delivery suite.

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traceybath · 31/08/2010 16:59

Are people actually allowed in the delivery suite Shock

You may want to apologise to your SIL Wink

And just get DH to make sure that family know that no-one will be visiting until they're given the go-ahead.

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grumblegrumble · 31/08/2010 17:01

No! Why on earth would anyone think it is OK to pile into the delivery suite? What next, following people to the loo in the interests of being sociable?

On the ward afterwards, yes, you may be OK for them to pop in to see the baby, but it's limited hours, and you have a chance to make yourself ready before the visiting starts. Don't exclude the ILs from that first ten minute glimpse of the baby though, a few hours after he or she is born, but ON THE WARD.

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Francagoestohollywood · 31/08/2010 17:03

YANBU.
Though I must say that I loved having visitors. I desperately needed to debrief after ds's birth and I still remember fondly my best friend making me a bread and butter/jam toast, as I was too knackered to do it myself. Bliss!

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MoonUnitAlpha · 31/08/2010 17:04

I'm suprised visitors are allowed into the delivery suite! Surely they're restricted to visiting hours?

When I gave birth you could only have visitors on the postnatal ward, and visiting hours were restricted to something like 3pm-5pm and 7pm-8.30pm.

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Portofino · 31/08/2010 17:05

YA def NBA! I wouldn't tell anyone I was in labour even. In my case I had an emCS, and was off with the fairies for most of the day afterwards, and DH was exhausted after being up for 24 hours. He phoned and let people know that dd and I were safe and well, but we were in no state for visitors.

In fact even the next day, only my sister came - that was fine as she watched the baby whilst I showered / had catheter removed, bullied the nurses about my medication and tried to help me establish breast feeding, but I certainly wasn't in the mood for hoards of people.

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DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2010 17:07

YANBU at all, though some people will think you shold have the world his wife and all their children in there because it's a 'family event'.

You need to get DH on side but this may be more difficult considering the fact your mum is also going to be there as a birth partner.

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ChuckBartowski · 31/08/2010 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nattiecake · 31/08/2010 17:08

People were allowed in for her as we were all "family". Plus I do believe that the hospital I'll be in (that she was also in) has joint delivery/recovery rooms for anyone staying for less than 24 hours??
Havent had the tour yet though, bloody NHS thinks I dont need antenatal classes til 36+1 (4 classes, so my last one is due when im 40+1. clearly they thought that one through...)

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RonansMummy · 31/08/2010 17:08

if you ban both mums then noone can feel left out :-)

just tell people that you to breast feed and you don't want to get your norks out in front of everyone.

(i've wanted to use the word norks ever since I joined MN! its such a great word!)

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MoonUnitAlpha · 31/08/2010 17:09

My DS was born at 1am, went to the ward at 5am, and my mum visited at 7pm. It'd been a difficult delivery and I was exhausted and struggling to feed so wouldn't have wanted anyone other than my mum and DP there. By the next afternoon though it was lovely having family visiting for a couple of hours!

Once you're settled on the ward can you get your DH to call family and tell them when visitng hours are?

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OrmRenewed · 31/08/2010 17:09

Nope nabu at all.

However once I was cleaned up,DH and I had had some time alone with him and I had had a cuppa I was desperate for visitors to come and tell me how lovely my baby was and how wonderful I was for giving birth to him Grin

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ethelina · 31/08/2010 17:10

I certainly don't want visitors in hospital unless I'm in more than a day. I'm rather hoping for a 6 hours post delivery discharge and by the time anyones ready to see me I'm home.

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LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 17:11

nattie, I'm currently in the middle of this dilemma myself and posted on the subject last week or so ago. I don't want anyone in the hospital bar my DD's father and a potential second birthing partner, and while it's now been made clear to my MIL (not actually MIL, but YKWIM!) that she will not be at the birth (she wanted to be there, rather than expected to be, but now understands it simply won't be happening and she respects that), I'm still negotiating on the issue of visitors in the hospital. Delivery room is a no-no for visitors for me, full stop. Just won't happen. You are well within your right to say you don't want people in the hospital at all, btw, though as was pointed out to me, if you let them visit for an hour or so in the couple of days before you go home, you can restrict their time, where as if they descend on you the minute you get out of hospital, you'll find it harder to get rid of them and they might not take hints well.

Oh, and FWIW, it is different because it's your mum. Delivery is about you as much as it is about the baby and if you don't want MIL in there, say as much. Mums make the rules in there, to the degree that if you didn't want your DH in there and he tried to go anyway, he would be stopped. Tell him your mum is there as a birthing partner, and visits will start when you are comfortable with them, which may be on the ward, it may be a few days or a week after you get home. You've got the right to make the rules here.

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nattiecake · 31/08/2010 17:11

PS re contamination, she had my nephew last summer in the middle of the swine flu crisis, and they still let everyone in.

Oh dear, think i may plan to change hospitals...


PS thank you for not all telling me that im being selfish!!

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ChuckBartowski · 31/08/2010 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 17:18

YANBU by just wanting just the 3 of you there together, but are being very U to have your family take preferrence over your dh family, its not fair, and quite rightly so that your dh is a bit put out

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nattiecake · 31/08/2010 17:23

The thing is though piglet, i'm very close to my family, as is my DH, however we barely see his family at all and they're not at all close.

None of them even live in the same city as us (hopefully a plus as they'll take a while to get here), so surely there is a difference??

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DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2010 17:24

how about if MIl comes to see her son and the OP's mum comes to see her. If MIL wants to support someone she could do it in the waiting room outside the delivery room.

IMO the woman giving birth has every right to prefer the comfort of her Mother over her MIL!

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IsabellaSwan · 31/08/2010 17:28

Piglet - her mum is a birth partner not a visitor. Are you seriously suggesting that she has to have her MIL watch her give birth just so that things are fair? What about being fair to the person in labour?

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LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 17:28

I disagree piglet. The birth should not have to be fair to both families, the birth should be about what the mother wants. If the OP's mother is at the birth, then of course she is going to see the baby. That to me is not a visit. The OP is well within her right to say she doesn't want any visitors in the hospital, and that is not at all about favouring one family over another. It's a blanket policy, if you like. I can see why her DH might take the view he apparently is, but if all visits are stopped until mum and baby are home, there are no grounds for reasonable complaint.

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pigletmania · 31/08/2010 17:32

If all goes well than you will probably not be in hospital for very long, tell dh to tell them to come when you are at home.

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pigletmania · 31/08/2010 17:34

But loopy lou yes I understand that her mum is her birth partner and wil be there, but the rest of HER family such as sisters etc Hmm

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MumNWLondon · 31/08/2010 17:34

It will be up to you who visits in the delivery room and some hospital may not allow visitors at all.

When DD was born my MIL, and DH's two sisters turned up very shorter after she was born but I was happy to let them in. I wasn't even dressed yet, just lying on the bed under a sheet still undressed, but I didn't mind them being there!

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thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 31/08/2010 17:35

YANBU at all. Let people know when and where you want to be visited.

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